Juice up your electronic felon-anklet—it’s time for another episode of Teen Mom OG! This is our first episode without “The Big F” so things should be a lot less hostile (but also a lot less glam, given that we won’t get to see what jeweled crop tops Debz OG has added to her closet recently!)
Fresh out of the Nicaraguan jungles, Maci makes her return to Tennessee and is greeted by Taylor and the assortment of youngins. After they leave the airport (and hopefully after Maci was hosed down in the front yard to make sure she didn’t bring back any varmints, critters or body lice) Taylor tells Maci that their leather pocket T-shirt business is growing fast enough that he needed to open a new facility in Florida.
Taylor is going to Florida to see the new facility, and wants to take Bentley on the business trip. Bentley is excited to go and Taylor offers to pay him if he works hard.
(This will officially make Bentley more employed than at least half of the adult clowns on this show, sadly.)
And speaking of the unemployed…
Next we check in with Ryan as he Mackenzie talk about their future, or rather Mack’s future, because evidently Ryan is taking the whole “gap year” concept and stretching it into a gap decade or so.
Mack says she’s looking into going to school for nursing, and honestly, Ryan shows more interest in that than pretty much anything Mackenzie has ever said. (I suppose it will be convenient to have a medical professional in the house, should Ryan find himself, you know, on the business end of a court-ordered anklet at some point.)
Mackenzie’s new career plan will kind of clash with her hankerin’ to “make a baby” with Ryan. Mackenzie’s fixin’ to get the Spawn ‘o’ Ryan into her womb, and Ryan is, as per usual, indifferent.
“I mean, now’s as good a times as any,” he slurs.
Yes, Ryan. There’s no better time to bring another kid into the mix than when you’re fresh out of rehab, jobless and barely allowed to see the son you already have. Why not throw a couple more kids onto the heap of failure that is your life?
Ryan says he’s not interested in changing diapers or being involved with his kid until it’s about 2 years old. Mackenzie giggles, but deep down she seems to know she’ll be taking care of a baby and trying to make sure that Ryan is turned every two hours in order to prevent him from getting bed sores during his frequent naps.
Mackenzie and Ryan leave the room to “go snug.”
While you may think that this is code for “go to the bone yard for at least two minutes of baby-making pleasure,” it’s actually code for “lay on the couch and talk crap about our exes” because that’s exactly what they do.
Mackenzie talks about being pressured into marrying her first baby daddy when she was a teen because she was pregnant.
Ryan chimes in and says he thanks the Baby Jesus (God Leah) that he didn’t marry Maci because it would have been a disaster. He’s under the impression that Maci is still sore at him for pumping and dumping her, though, and says that he doesn’t think Maci’s over their past history.
“That’s sad,” Mackenzie says in a way that makes it seem like she thinks Maci still wants Ryan.
Giiiirl, no one is trying to snatch your slack-jaw-yokel-of-a-husband away from you! Also, if you want to see the definition of “sad,” look up the footage of your husband saying “I do” out on the cement after speeding down the highway higher than Kieffer after he found Jenelle’s secret stash.
Ryan is upset that Maci is still “holding grudges” over his head about stupid stuff…like him being HIGH! HIGH! for the majority of his kid’s life and him bailing out on being any type of parent to Bentley unless his parents forced him to…and stuff. What a buzzkill that Maci is!
Next we spring over to Michigan, where Tyler is still trying to make Tierra Reign clothing line “happen,” despite the fact that Catelynn is still away getting treatment. He’s also trying to take care of Nova, who is begging for a bath. (Hey, he may want to to throw his sister Amber in the tub too. A good scrub would do that girl good!)
Tyler fills up the trough to appease his screaming daughter, and mutters about how tired he is.
Producer Kiki shows up the next day and Tyler tells her how hard it is taking care of Nova (who’s sick) without Catelynn’s help. He’s planning to take Nova to Arizona the next day to visit Catelynn in treatment, but still has to deal with his clothing company crap…and make sure that his dad Butch doesn’t somehow end up on the Michigan’s Most Wanted list again.
Kiki can see the beginnings of Tyler’s mental breakdown, and seems to be concerned that he won’t be able to handle all of the stuff he’s got going on right now.
Next, it’s time for Amber to head to Florida to go visit her brother Shawn (aka “Bubby”). Amber is thrilled that her new boo Andrew is finally going to get the meet Brother Bubby. She’s even bringing Leah along for the trip. (There’s no word on whether or not she hitched her trusty couch to the back of the rental car and brought it to Bubby’s with her, though.)
Back in Indiana, Gary and Kristina are stressing a bit about Leah being with her mom and some random dude for a whole week. Gary admits he doesn’t get all chatty with Amber.
“I keep it short for her because…I think she’s watching Netflix or something,” he says.
GARY.FOR.THE.WIN. I see that little dig you took at Amber and her couch-dwelling lifestyle, Gar…and I like it.
Gary’s concerned that, with the excitement of seeing Brother Bubby, coupled with being with her new man, Amber will forget to spend time with Leah while in Florida. (Or maybe he’s scared Amber will forget Leah in Florida? It’s hard to understand Gar when he mumbles.)
Amber, Leah and Andrew check into their rental house and Amber explains that Brother Bubby helped her alot when they were growing up.
Producer David pops out from behind a potted plant to ask Amber some questions.
“What is it that you think Bubby wants to learn about Andrew?” he asks. (And, kudos to Producer David for keeping a straight face while getting that sentence out!)
Amber says Brother Bubby just wants to make sure Andrew isn’t as big of a piece of garbage as Matt. (Hopefully she’s checking all of Andrew’s backpacks frequently to ensure he’s not stashing her cash in his Jansport!)
Back at Maci’s, we learn that Jayde has been breaking out of her crib at night and sneaking into Maci and Taylor’s room. (I wonder if Ryan breaks out of his bedroom at night and goes over to “snug” with Jen and Larry at night?)
Taylor and Bentley leave for their business trip, so Maci decides to take Jayde shopping for a “big girl bed.” (Maverick is nowhere in sight, but he’s like two now, right? He should be fine on his own for a few hours.)
It’s here that we notice that Maci’s wearing a brace on her knee. Either Taylor got a little too wild in the sheets (trying out something he learned from watching Farrah’s “Backdoor” special movie, perhaps?) or she got injured in the Nicaraguan jungle.
Maci lets her rugrat run all over the store, crawling into all of the beds like Goldilocks on a Pixie Stick high.
Over in Florida, Amber, Andrew and Boo Boo get to Brother Bubby’s house (try saying that five times fast). Amber is stressing that Brother Bubby won’t like the newest specimen she’s bringing home.
Brother Bubby is happy to finally meet the dude who knocked up his sister after knowing her for about a week. He tries to ask polite questions about them shacking up together.
“Didn’t it suck going from California to Indiana?” Brother Bubby asks Andrew.
“No it’s nice,” Andrew replies. I mean, who would want to live in a multi-million dollar house in Malibu when they could move into Amber’s crib, what with its dog-pee-covered floors and rooms haunted by Matt’s presence (not to mention his dirty-sweatsock-like stench)?
Once inside the house, a Nerf gun fight breaks out. Leah pegs Andrew in the side of the head, but he doesn’t really feel the pellet hit his noggin because it’s covered in all that Muppet fur.
After the toys are put away, the adults sit down and Brother Bubby immediately begins grilling Andrew. He asks for an explanation of what Andrew actually does for a living. (He doesn’t actually say the J-word—you know, “job”—so MTV didn’t have to bleep it out. That’s basically a swear word on this show!)
As Andrew begins to tell Bubby about his camera work, Amber interjects and informs her brother that Andrew is a cinematographer. She’s obviously very proud that 1) she knows a word that contains that many letters and 2) her boyfriend has at least one credit on IMDB.com that isn’t ‘Teen Mom’-related.
Andrew decides to really go for the gold in his lies. At the beginning of this conversation, Andrew was a cameraman…and then he became a cinematographer. Now, Andrew adds that he’s also a screenwriter.
“I think everybody should be writing,” Andrew says. (Dude…half the knuckleheads on this show can barely write their own names. Don’t get crazy.)
Brother Bubby ain’t buying it. He knows that when someone from LA says they’re a “screenwriter,” that basically means they’re unemployed and spend an hour or so a week at Starbucks, having their friend take pictures of them while typing on their laptop so they can post the photo to Instagram. #WorkingOnMyScreenplay #Coming2019
Brother Bubby wants to know if Andrew watched Amber on ‘Teen Mom’ and Andrew denies knowing anything about her prior to meeting her. I actually kind of believe him because… I mean, would you date Amber after watching her kick Gary down the stairs, go to prison or, worse, makeout with MATT?!
Brother Bubby points out that Amber got with Andrew (and got pregnant) immediately after breaking up with Matt.
“I feel like Amber has to have someone in her life,” Brother Bubby says.
Amber gets all offended. Girl, you didn’t even have time to get rid of the personalized doormat you had made for you and Matt before moving Andrew in! Let’s be serious here!
Amber gets all huffy, protesting, “I was single for four years before I was with Matt!”
Of course, for 17 months of those “four years” Ambie was in prison. And for the rest of it she was HIGH! HIGH! But…congrats?
In Michigan, Tyler packs up Nova and heads to Arizona to go visit Catelynn, who has been at the treatment facility for a week. Cate’s aunt and parents, April and David (who rarely, if ever, films for this trash-heap of a show), are also along for the trip.
April is nervous that her past will be brought up in Cate’s therapy sessions.
Tyler and Cate sit down to talk, and Tyler basically wants to know when Catelynn will be back home and available to help him roll kiddie clothing orders. Cate tells Tyler not to stress out, which is exactly what a stressed out person wants to hear.
In Tennessee, Maci wrangles her block-throwing children while Mackenzie enjoys a MTV-paid-for meal with a friend. Mack tells her friend about her plans to go back to school and brags about Ryan wanting to put a baby in her. They talk about when Mackenzie and Ryan are going to “start a family.”
Um…you people already have two kids between you. I think that ship sailed.
Mack says that she knows that Ryan is going to be the best dad.
Sure…and Gary’s going to start teaching Jazzercise classes.
Mackenzie’s friend then asks the required question about Ryan and Maci’s co-parenting relationship. Mack can hardly control her excitement as she declares it’s a “hot mess expres.” When her friend mentions Ryan’s past wrongdoings, Mack quickly comes to his defense.
“He might not have been like, the perfect dad, by any means… but he’s never been an absent father.”
OK, who’s going to tell her?! Perhaps we should just leave a bundle of early-season ‘Teen Mom’ DVDs on her doorstep and let her find out for herself…bless her heart.
Back in Florida, Amber and her crew are enjoying some fine dining at a joint called Stumpknockers, which is coincidentally the name Amber usually gives to her boyfriends.
They start discussing Amber’s upcoming baby birth, and Brother Bubby warns Andrew not to look at Amber’s lady bits while she’s heaving out his kid, unless he wants to be scarred for life. (Or, you know, he could just watch his girlfriend on the current season of Marriage Boot Camp. I feel like either act would be terror-inducing.)
Bubby then asks the happy couple when they’re going to tie the knot. Amber gets uncomfortable at the mention of marriage.
“We haven’t talked about that yet!” she protests.
Geez people, it’s not like they are serious and already made a HUMAN BEING together or something.
Amber tells Brother Bubby that she’s not in a rush to get engaged…again, given that she’s already been engaged four times. Despite her stellar record, Amber tells her brother she wouldn’t make Andrew sign a pre-nup. (Apparently she wants to lock down his “director” salary?)
Back in Arizona, Tyler, Nova and Cate’s family get ready to sit down for dinner at their rental house while Nova chews on some raw onions for an appetizer (as you do). April shares with Tyler some of work she and David have been doing with Cate as part of family therapy week. April flips through the packet of goals and commitments they drafted up and only seems mildly confused by the process. In her defense, she didn’t know this free vacation required any reading or writing.
Over at Ryan and Mackenzie’s house, Mack tells Ryan that if all goes as planned (and no one has to go back to the ‘hab for driving while higher than Cheech and Chong), she’ll graduate from nursing school by 2021. Ryan doesn’t seem confident that his wife will be able to get through nursing school, though.
Mackenzie plans to go visit the college and Ryan is heading to meet with “his person” (who we can assume is either his drug counselor or his therapy horse wrangler?) They both exclaim that they’re excited that this will finally “give us something to do” and “keep us busy.”
You know what else gives you something to do and keeps you busy? Having jobs.
Ryan says he’s still struggling with his attempt to stay off the vein candy. He has big plans though.
“I’m thinkin’ I’m gonna go do that counselor…whatdya call it, what is it, counseling?” he tells her.
“An addiction counselor,” Mackenzie offers to which Ryan grunts in agreement. Ryan also says he’s planning to go to a few Narcotics Anonymous meetings. He hasn’t actually gone yet, but he does have plans!
Meanwhile in Florida, Amber claims Brother Bubby’s bed as her own and tries to find out what her brother thinks of her newest baby daddy. Amber’s brother says that, while he doesn’t know Andrew too well, as long as he doesn’t have 12 kids and a pile of unpaid child support bills, Andrew is a winner in his book.
“Well,” Brother Bubby offers, “Andrew’s different than any person you’ve ever been with. I can’t think of one other person you’ve been with that didn’t have a million skeletons in his closet and wasn’t shady.”
Well…yay, that pretty much sums things up.
Back in Tennessee, Taylor and Bentley return from their trip and Maci welcomes them by making Taylor assemble Jayde’s new bed. While up to his ear in various furniture pieces and instructions, Taylor asks Maci if she’s ready to have another kid. Maci’s ovaries clamp up at just the thought of shooting another kid out of her baby cannon. The thought of staying sober for nine months a few months while pregnant must be terrifying for Maci.
She’s got Maverick screaming and Jayde running around in a diaper full of poop, but Taylor still asks if that’s a “no” on wanting more kids.
The baby talk is too much for Maci. She chugs down a bottle of hard cider as she takes Maverick to bed.
AS YOU DO.
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recap, click here!