It’s time to check in with the “ladies” of Teen Mom 2!
On this episode, the cops are called (and, surprisingly, not to The Land), Javi and Briana spend some quality time together (surprisingly not at da club), Kail introduces us to a new “daddy” (surprisingly not one of her son’s fathers) and despite not being on camera, Adam continues to out-Adam himself — no surprise there.
The only thing more painfully drawn out than Kail’s baby-naming process is undoubtedly MTV’s airing of LAST SEASON’s ‘Teen Mom 2’ reunion… but low and behold, we’ve finally made it to the end of that dark and trashilicous tunnel!
After a tedious few days of contractually obligated filming under one roof, the moms and their assorted motley crews are finally heading back to their respective swamps/crowded apartments/cabins/holler-adjacent humble abodes to keep the merriment and cameras rolling.
First, we check in with Kail, who says she’s ready to put the reunion drama behind her… all while she continues to talk about the reunion drama.
Kail brags to Jo (who is being mobbed by Kail’s litter of offspring) and her “special” friend Dom that she kept her cool during filming and even Producer J.C. chimes in to sing Kail’s praises, suggesting that MTV may need to change the title of the show to “Adult Mom.”
Before leaving Kail’s house, Jo says he’s glad he and (most of) Kail’s kids were not present for the garbage-fire of a reunion.
Jo has barely scooted out the door when Producer J.C. turns into some sort of gossiping tween.
“So, what’s up with the whole Javi/Briana thing?” he asks Kail, all while acting like this is a TOTALLY NEW SUBJECT that has never been discussed.
Kail is over it and tells J.C. she’s happy that Javi is bangin’ it out with Briana at Briana’s apartment (all while her mom and sister are probably sitting on the same couch, watching old episodes of Bad Girls Club to try to get fight tips for the next Reunion.)
She says she’s done talking about Briana and Javi.
“When he has a girlfriend, he leaves me alone!” Kail says, adding that she will probably never talk about Javi on-camera again.
Ha ha, good one Kail. Yeah, and Flat Tummy Tea really does help people lose weight!
Next, we visit with Leah, who has really classed up her child swaps this season! She’s no longer meeting her baby daddies on the side of a road to exchange youngins; she’s now coming over to Jeremy’s place to fetch her kid!
Leah is strutting her stuff as she walks up to Jeremy’s door. Her hair is freshly curled, and she’s made sure to slather on plenty of that Magic Lipstick she was hawking last season to ensure she’s lookin’ all gussied up for Jeremy.
After Addie tells Leah she wants Jeremy to go trick-or-treating with them the next day, Leah invites him to tag along. Jeremy jumps at the chance to go… “for Addie”…of course.
Jeremy notices how fancy Leah’s gotten herself and seems to want to do some “Monster Mashin’” with Leah after the girls pass out in a candy coma.
Leah’s flirting must be a bit rusty. After telling Addie that she doesn’t like Jeremy because his last name is “Cow Fart” (Calvert/Cow Fart…see what she did there? Me neither…) Jeremy rolls his eyes, but then remembers it’s possible he could get laid, so he stays quiet.
Leah heads home to do some gossiping with her friend Meghan. (Where’s Producer JC when you need him?)
Leah fills Meghan in on the reunion drama, all while Meghan—who is obviously green when it comes to “The Hollywood” filming and such—can’t stop staring at the camera. Leah compares the Reunion to being on The Real Housewives, and frankly, we don’t know which franchise should be more offended by that statement.
Leah also tells Meghan that she is surprised that Jeremy wants to come trick-or-treating with her and the girlseseses, since he has never before wanted to spend Halloween with her and the kids.
Down in Florida, Briana gets her talons cleaned up in preparation for Javi’s visit.
While at the nail salon, Briana tells her friend she’s keeping her guard up with Javi even though he’s “a good boy.” That is, he’s “a good boy” until things eventually go south and he is declared Public Enemy #1 by Briana, her mom and her sister. But for now, things are great and no one is at risk of being hit in the head with a stiletto.
Over at Chelsea’s house, the baby fever is not letting up and she and Cole are ready to try for Baby #3. Chelsea says she’s stocked up on ovulation tests and is tracking everything on her phone to ensure she and Cole can pop out more babies to fill their cabin.
(But…if a baby is born in wedlock on a ‘Teen Mom’ show, does its birth even count?)
Chelsea says it’s weird to actually be trying to get pregnant on purpose. Sounds like someone has been visiting ItsYourSexLife.org, guys!
Finally, we venture down to North Carolina, where Barb is treating her son grandson Jace to a pizza picnic…in the middle of some sort of random road or something (as you do).
The next day, Jenelle tells us she’s “still pissed at my mom and Nathan from the Reunion.”
Does anyone else feel like we’ve been hearing Jenelle say this exact same line for the last five years? I think they’re just inserting old soundbites into new episodes at this point.
Anyway, Jenelle is fresh out of the therapist’s office after discussing her relationship (or rather lack thereof) with her oldest son Jace.
While sitting in a random parking lot, Jenelle calls Lurch (who else?!) to tell him how the appointment went.
“The therapist said that me and Jace need to, like, connect more,” Jenelle tells her husband.
The therapist also thinks Jace and Jenelle need some therapy sessions together, as well as some sessions with Barb and eventually, some one-on-ones with Jace and Lurch. (Everyone would need to be properly frisked before entering any sort of meeting, hopefully…)
Jenelle says she warned the therapist that Barb won’t be too pleased about those suggestions. She also blames Barb for not having Jace’s best interest in mind, unlike her and David who “co-parent with our exes” well.
Um…nothing says “co-parenting well” quite like fighting with your ex just days ago, in front of your son and a camera crew, during a reunion taping. Am I right?
The therapist also states that it’s a bad idea for Jenelle and Lurch to constantly bash Barbara in front of Jace…and for them to constantly pressure Jace into saying he wants to move onto The Land. Go figure…
Meanwhile in Florida, “Daddy Javi” has arrived to spend some time with Briana. He will, unfortunately, have to keep it in his pants for a little while longer, as he is immediately peer-pressured into playing stepdad to Briana’s kids, specifically Nova who guilts him into joining her in a bounce house.
Briana watches as Nova and Javi play together, and you can almost see her trying to squeeze her Nuva ring out of her Dr.-Miami-doctored-vagina.
Over in Delaware, Kail is joining Jo and his family at a fundraiser they’re hosting to help hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. (Santa Jo to the rescue again!)
While discussing the event, Kail tells Jo and Vee that she’s bringing her “Daddy Dom” as her date. Jo tells Dom he feels uncomfortable calling her “daddy” but she assures him he’ll warm up to it, though Jo disagrees.
A few days later, it’s almost time for the hurricane benefit, and Kail and crew are primping before they head out. While playing with Lux, Kail’s friend Becky jokes that she, Dom and Kail are “Two and Half Lesbians and a Baby.”
Something tells me ol’ Lurch won’t be tuning in for that show. He’s not so big on “the gays” and such, as we know…
Dom, Becky and Jo get suited up (and, luckily, no one has chosen the same suit from the Burlington Coat Factory, phew!) and the whole gang heads out to the benefit.
Soon, everyone is “Electric Sliding” their way to helping Puerto Ricans get drinking water and stuff. It’s a great time for all, especially Daddy Dom, who keeps trying to casually put her arm around Kail for most of the night. (I think she may have even tried the trusty “yawn arm” move they taught us on shows like “Saved By The Bell.”)
Back in The WV, Leah’s crew has erupted into chaos! The twins are getting their Halloween makeup put on, while Addie ditches her usual dinner of sugar packets and months-old Pillsbury icing to chomp into a cameraman who is dressed as a hamburger.
Thank the Baby Jesus that man didn’t dress up as a Lunchable or all three girlseses would have been gnawing at him!
After Leah scolds her youngest daughter for cannibalizing the producer, the twins get into fight over a spell book. (Seriously, I never thought I’d get to type that sentence!)
The twins are both dressed as witches, and they both want that ding-dang spell book! Soon, girlseses are flying everywhere, as Aleeah pushes Ali down and almost takes Addie with her. Aleeah apologizes (probably because she’s knows she’s ‘bout to get a whippin’ for hurting her fragile sister), but Ali kicks back at her in disgust.
Leah don’t got time for no spell book squabble, y’all! She’s got her second baby daddy coming any minute and she has yet to transform herself into a sexy, yet sensible adult witch! She grabs the spell book and tells Aleeah she’s calling her father, Corey Tyler, to tell him what’s happened.
Aleeah is scared at the thought of Daddy Corey (not to be confused with Daddy Dom) finding out what a rascal she’s been, so she starts crying and kicking things. Leah shuts herself into the bathroom to call up Corey, who is clearly not thrilled that he’s being bothered to straighten out a squabble over a spell book. (He answers the phone, “Yeah?” after all…)
He goes ahead and disciplines his daughter, threatening a two-week grounding and telling her to “lose that attitude right now!” (I’ll bet Barb wishes she could call up Corey Tyler any time she needed to tell Jenelle to lose her damn attitude!)
In the end, everyone gets to be a witch and go trick-or-treating, even Leah, who’s hoping that her costume will have Jerm “bewitched” by the end of the night.
While trick-or-treating, Addie is caught by Leah trying to go to a house for candy twice.
“Look at you, tryin’ to double dip!” she tells Addie (although Jeremy turns around because he thinks Leah’s talking to him…and she very well could be, given the recent sexual tension between them!)
Next, we head to The Land, where a 911 call is being made. (So, you know, business as usual…)
Jenelle is calling the police on Jace’s behalf. She tells the operator that Jace called her crying, claiming that Barb had hit him.
This sounds like a job for Corey Tyler to straighten out, no?
The police are sent to Barb’s house, and the next day, Jenelle and Lurch regale producers with the tale of what happened in Barb’s House of Wayward Grandchildren the night before.
Jenelle says that Jace confessed he had lied and that Barb really hadn’t hit him. Despite this revelation, Jenelle says she still fears for Jace’s safety and wants to take her mom back to court over custody of Jace.
And the “Give Me Back My Son” storyline marches on…
In the aftermath of Jenelle’s 911 call, Barb tells the producers about Jace’s latest behavior issues and how he’s been getting out of hand.
Barb says all Jace wants is for everyone to get along but she just doesn’t see it happening. Barb is worried about Jace’s future and is determined to make sure he grows up properly, aka far away from The Land, and in her custody.
Speaking of custody issues, over in South Dakota, Chelsea is moving forward with getting the court to require Adam’s visitation with Aubree to be at a supervised center. Adam has just been thrown in the slammer for domestic assault (again) and Chelsea has had it with his nonsense.
Chelsea says that she wants Aubree to have a relationship with her father, but her safety is the most important thing. As we all know, Adam is unpredictable. The only “safe” thing is the assumption that he’s wearing a shirt too small for him, walking around in a cloud of protein drink residue and reeking of gym sweat and bad decisions. Oh, and drugs…
“I don’t think Adam’s parents would be Aubree in danger on purpose, but he is on drugs and stuff and erratic,” Chelsea said. “If he just showed up at their house and lost his s**t…”
Chelsea drowns her slimy baby daddy sorrows in a Starbucks Skinny Latte, and later, tells Producer Mandy that Father/Felon of the Year Adam, is once again requesting that Chelsea lower child support.
On the most-recent court papers, Adam states that his “situation” has changed and that he’s also trying to start his own business.
We can only assume that business is some sort of reverse psychology life coaching. He might actually be pretty good at that; if his clients do exactly the opposite of what Adam has done, they’ll probably do pretty well in life!
Chelsea estimates that Adam is currently about $10,000 behind in child support. (It’s amazing how hard it is to support your kid when that MTV money stops flowing and you have to get a real job…are you hearing this, Jenelle?)
Chelsea tells the producers that if Adam happens to wind up in the slammer for his latest offense, she’ll tell Aubree the truth because she old enough to know her dad doesn’t have his life together…which is, of course, the understatement of the year.
Speaking of not having your life together, we next check back in with Javi and Briana, who are preparing to go on a real date together.
Briana warns Javi she’s going to take a long time to get herself dolled up. (Hey, Dr. Miami can’t fix everything, after all.)
Not wanting to end up having movie night with Roxanne and Brittany on the couch (aka Luis’ former place of residence), Javi offers to help Briana with the girls to speed things up and get closer to checking into that Ramada Inn they’re inevitable going to end up in.
“It does take a village to raise a God-damn child,” Briana says.
She really should jot that down in Stella’s baby book…
As soon as Briana heads into the “bafffroom” to do her makeup, the rest of the DeJesus clan walks in.
Brittany immediately gets mad about some spilled tomato sauce.
Javi tells her not to get her tube top in a bunch, and that it’s a “quick cleanup.”
Brittany does not find Javi’s response funny. She tells him that because he’s “out here tryin’ to wife my sister, you clean it.”
And Javi does.
Javi thinks that, now that he’s cleaned up some spilled tomato sauce, he’s free to bone Briana, but Roxanne has a different idea.
She corners Javi on the couch and says she needs to “ax” him some questions. Roxanne wants to make sure Javi’s intentions are pure (just like her daughter) and we know she means business because she drew on her serious eyebrows for this scene.
Over in Delaware, Kail and Dom are driving home the day after the hurricane fundraiser, when Kail says she’s getting questions asking if Dom is her new girlfriend.
Dom and Kail decline to DTR, though their flirty exchange all but confirms that they’re dating. Move over Jo, Javi and Chris… there’s a new daddy in town.
Until next time, hold on to your spellbooks, kids!
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