It’s time to check back in with our favorite not-so-teenage moms! This week, our five heroines will be making more bad life decisions, and, luckily MTV was there to document them all!
Now that Bristol and Cheyenne have been properly initiated into the Teen Mom OG sorority, having pledged to share their baby daddy drama, bad hairdos and general awful decisions so the American public will have something to point and laugh at, let’s get started.
We kick this episode of with Catelynn who has packed up her zebra-print hoodie and Butch‘s cut-off rat tail (which I assume she carries around with her because…who wouldn’t?!) and is HIGH! HIGH~-tailing it back to Michigan. She hasn’t completed treatment (this time), but she misses Tyler and that blond kid that lives with her so she’s decided she may as well go home early.
(Hey, when MTV is footing your thousands-of-dollars bill for treatment, you’re not that concerned with getting your money’s worth, apparently.)
For the occasion, Cate has purchased a few new packs of raspberry Kool-Aid and dumped them on her head (as you do), in attempt to appear edgy for her homecoming.
She’s greeted by Producer Kerthy at the airport (not to mention an entire camera crew, eager to catch that fresh-from-treatment glow emanating from under Catelynn’s fuchsia-colored mop). Catelynn tells us that Tyler and Nova have no idea that she left treatment early, so she’s excited to surprise them.
As Cate and Producer Kerthy are barreling toward the Baltierra home, Cate explains that she’s been instructed to see a trauma therapist three times a week to treat her PTSD, anxiety and depression. Producer Kerthy looks kind of jealous. After working on this crap-heap-of-a-show (and being subjected to domestic Farrah-ism for years), she and the rest of the ‘Teen Mom’ producers should all be given trauma therapy as part of their benefits package from MTV.
Cate says that her PTSD is from either her Hefty-bag-of-a-childhood, or placing Carly for adoption. There are so many crappy parts of Catelynn’s life that even she’s not sure what’s traumatized her the most.
Catelynn walks through the door, and Tyler and Nova are shocked. Nova is thrilled to see Catelynn and Tyler is…putting his acting chops to use by pretending to be thrilled to see Catelynn.
Over in Indiana, Amber is in bed (naturally), watching Baby James solo for the first time, since Andrew has gone to California. With Andrew out of the house, Cousin Krystle scurries right over.
Amber complains about Leah not wanting to come visit her, and Cousin Krystle explains that it’s just a normal thing kids do. Amber says that she’s been really depressed lately, and even went to the hospital for it but was told she doesn’t have postpartum depression. It’s just regular ol’ bipolar.
Amber says she visited her psychiatrist recently, who gave her some anti-anxiety and anti-depression drugs. Amber can’t believe that she’s still depressed, despite how well her life is going. She’s given Matt (and his backpack of lies) the heave-ho, had a do-over oopsie baby and is making hundreds of thousands of dollars for sitting on her couch. Yet, she’s still depressed.
We head over to Texas next, to check in with
Farrah Bristol. She’s still wearing those damn overalls, and is now saying that her relationship with her husband Dakota is “at a breaking point.” She tells Producer Kristen that she has to do these dramatic talks with producers because she doesn’t know anyone in Texas. (As we know, almost all of Bristol’s family is in Alaska, shootin’ large animals and looking for Russia out their windows.)
Bristol says that her whole day depends on the kind of mood Dakota is in, and she’s tired of it!
“I live my life on complete eggshells,” she says. “I think everyone in this house does, even the kids.”
Bristol says that she’s about to stick a fork in her marriage to Dakota.
Meanwhile, Producer Kerthy (who is really making the rounds this week), is talking to Dakota. He says he knows their marriage is basically over. Dakota says Bristol isn’t there for him when he needs her, and that he has to “go to other people’s houses” to get the support that he needs
Um…is that like the same way Matt would go to “other people’s houses” to get the “support” he needed behind Amber’s back?
Producer Kerthy, sensing that Dakota’s words may come back to hurt him later, suggests that he means “his friends.” Dakota agrees.
Dakota says that “quittin’ and throwin’ the towel out” (um?) is against his beliefs and the GOSH DERN BIBLE BOOK…but he can’t stay married to Palin or he’s going to go “Farrah” on someone someday soon.
Next, we jaunt over to Los Angeles to check in with Cheyenne. She’s chatting with her bizarrely named sister, R Kyle Lynn ABC123 and her boyfriend Zach about how long it took doctors to stitch up her lady taco after birthin’ Cory‘s lovechild.
“For my next baby, I’m getting an epidural!” Cheyenne says.
Zach manages to block out the vagina-sewing convo because he is still stuck on the fact that Cheyenne was talking about her “next baby.”
Chey informs him that, when Ryder turns two, she’s getting knocked up again, regardless of what boy she’s with at the time (apparently).
“I want another baby. It isn’t a straight demand, but it’s just what’s going to happen,” she tells Zach, who seems to be debating whether or not to turn and run for the hills right then and there. (To answer your question, Zach, yes, you should.)
“We probably talk about having more kids more than we talk about getting married,” Cheyenne says.
Well…you’re certainly on the right show, girl!
Cheyenne then tells R Kelly Lincoln that she and Zach have the “next baby” conversation every time they “do it.”
I think that’s nice…
The next day, Cheyenne nasally tells us that Cory is helping her run some errands. (Perhaps she’s finally going to go see an Ear Nose & Throat doctor about her constant stuffed-up nose?)
Cory tells Cheyenne that he plans to ask her father for some “co-parenting” advice. The entire fam is gathering for a barbecue the next day, so that will be the perfect time for them to have an awkward on-camera conversation. Cheyenne says that’s fine and all, but warns Cory that he better keep his trap shut about her living with Zach, because her dad doesn’t know yet.
Cory knows that Cheyenne’s dad won’t be happy to hear that his little girl is banging her live-in lover, and he’s “afraid” he will “slip up” and accidentally tell him.
Um…sure, Jan. We all know the only way Cheyenne’s storyline will be remotely interesting is if Cheyenne’s dad grabs Zach by the neck and beats him, Amber-style, for shacking up with his little princess.
Finally, we head down to Tennessee to see what Maci has been up to. Now that she’s court-protected from Ryan, she’s feeling better, but is still worried that Bentley is allowed to go see Ryan, as long as he’s with Jen and Larry.
The next day, Jen is coming to pick up Bentley for a visit. Maci knows it’s going to be awkward with Jen at their house. But…why? Just because Jen’s son threatens to mass-murder your family (allegedly) and whatnot, that doesn’t mean you can’t get along with Jen, right?
Maci is also stressed out because her son Maverick is looking too much like her daughter Jayde these days. Her parents want the kid to get a haircut, but Maci doesn’t want to chop his luscious locks. Maci tells Taylor that she hates to see Maverick’s man bun go.
Over in Michigan, Tyler is pouting that Nova is now paying more attention to Catelynn than him. He tries to remind Nova that he was the one feeding her Hamburger Helper and washing her clothes while her mom was off petting horses and catching up on her “Twilight” movie-viewing, but Nova is unfazed.
The next day, Catelynn realizes Tyler is a bit gloomy, and she suspects it’s because he was left to run the house, the family and the farm while Cate was away…again. Cate wants to speak to Tyler about his sour attitude. (After all, she didn’t get this new pink ‘do to be around a Gloomy Gus!)
Tyler heads off to his (nature-walk-less) therapy session, where his therapist suggests bringing Catelynn in to do some sessions together.
Tyler tells his therapist that Catelynn doesn’t really see the need for couples’ counseling because she feels like they don’t have any problems. That’s news to Tyler, though, who says that the last two years or so (which is basically their entire marriage) have been a dumpster fire for him.
I think that’s nice…
The therapist looks lost. (But…at least she doesn’t look like Matt Baier in a bad wig like Tyler’s last therapist did!) She offers Tyler a few copies of some sort of “Save Our Marriage” worksheet she’s created to keep this marriage intact…at least until the next season’s ‘Teen Mom’ contracts are signed.
The therapist then enlightens Ty that she’s a ‘Teen Mom’ viewer herself! From tuning in, the therapist has learned that Tyler basically takes care of everybody. Ty says that he and Catelynn never watch the show together, which the therapist says is unfortunate.
She may also be trying to get him to watch so he realizes how boring their scenes have become. Perhaps she wants him to start road ragin’ and gun pullin’ (a la Jenelle) to get the ratings up?
The therapist suggests that Ty make Cate watch the last season of ‘OG’ back to show her how crappy life has been for him while she’s been away. The therapist is worried that if Cate doesn’t, Tyler will have a full-on breakdown, and will need to go watch movies at treatment himself, leaving no one to feed the family goats….oh, and Nova.
AND WHAT OF THEIR CHILDREN’S CLOTHING EMPIRE?!?!? (I suppose Butch and April could take over the “reigns” of Tierra Reign. All of the onesies would smell like Virginia Slims and bad decisions, but, hey, someone’s gotta run the business!)
Back in Indiana, Andrew is home from his trip, so Amber’s cookin’ up a big pot of spaghetti and changing into her fancy furry flip flops for the occasion. Andrew is sporting his “cats in space” T-shirt (as you do).
Before eating, they stare at the supersized portrait of Leah in the dining room, and Amber talks about what a “butthole” her daughter is.
I think that’s nice…
“She needs to be here,” Andrew says angrily. “It’s ridiculous!”
Um…slow your role there, Cat Boy. You literally came onto the scene like 10 minutes ago. You have no idea why Leah doesn’t want to visit her mother, and didn’t see how Amber was a self-absorbed, um, butthole for the first eight years of her daughter’s life so…
“I just have to be motivated to do things,” Amber tells him. “That helps a lot when you’re, like…depressed.”
Meanwhile, Gary learns that Amber tried to get Leah to come visit her but Leah turned her down.
Leah, probably sensing that her mom wants her to come over so she can “learn how a Diaper Genie works,” told her she can’t because she’s “busy today.” (She’s out on the trampoline with her sister, for the record.)
Gary makes it clear that Leah not wanting to visit Amber has nothing to do with him. He says that Leah’s at the age where she gets to make her own decisions.
Meanwhile, in Texas, Bristol is standing sadly in her kitchen (in her overalls), as Dakota enters the house. They kick the kids out of the room, so we know some serious “talkin’ words” are about to be exchanged.
Bristol says that being married to Dakota has made her more lonely than when she was alone. She admits that she’s been kind of a dick, and Dakota admits that his PTSD is causing a lot of their problems. It’s a weird conversation, because Producer Kerthy is sitting on the floor next to them, and they keep switching from talking to her and talking to each other.
“We’re quittin’ on our marriage,” Dakota says.
They apologize to each other for talking crap on each other, and both admit they still love each other. They do, however, decide it will be better if they get a divorce.
Over in LA, it’s time for a ragin’ pool party at Cheyenne’s family’s house. It’s POPPIN’! People are legit doing choreographed dances poolside and stuff. It’s like being in an early 2000s teen movie. All we need is for Jennifer Love Hewitt to appear in a scene as a bad Offspring song plays in the background.
In the midst of the festivities, Cory tracks down Cheyenne’s father and stepfather to talk about co-parenting. They’ve managed to be civil to each other, and Cory admires that, as he hopes to have a relationship with Cheyenne’s boyfriend Zach that doesn’t have to include the LAPD. Chey sees Cory talking to her two dads and instantly gets worried that he’s discussing all her co-habitatin’ and fornicatin’.
Cory tells the guys that he never had a father because he was “doing eight years” (in “The Prison,” we can assume). The dads tell Cory they’re proud of him for stepping up and being a father to Ryder. They tell him not to be intimidated by Zach.
“Zach lives with Cheyenne, so I don’t want him seeing Ryder more than me,” Cory says.
OOPSIE DO! There goes the secret, Cory!
The dads seem shocked by the news, but don’t say anything…yet.
In the backyard, later, things are still “going off” (as the kids say). Girls are twerkin’, people are dancing on piles of bricks, and Cheyenne’s dad is going for a dip in the pool. He’s floating around, most likely plotting as to how he is going to murder Zach and hide the evidence. Cheyenne confronts Cory to ask what his conversation with the dads was about.
Cory tells Cheyenne he was just getting co-parenting tips but… “oh, by the way, your dads know that Zach lives with you now.”
Yeah, Cory, that just slipped out. Hate when that happens…
Cheyenne is pissed, especially because Cory seems to be enjoying that he was the one who told her secret. She knows the moments of Zach’s life are numbered if she doesn’t go smooth things over with her father.
She stomps off, and locates her dad and stepmom. She’s decided to try the “I already told you that, didn’t I?” technique.
“It has not been a secret, dad!” Cheyenne says.
“It has not been revealed!” he fires back.
Cheyenne then tries the classic “if I would have asked, you would have said no” line. (What is she, 12?!)
Cheyenne’s dad reminds her that he didn’t freak out when she came to him less than a year ago, knocked up, unaware of who the father was, and basically prepped and ready to go for a Jerry Springer Show episode.
The stepmom tells Cheyenne that her father loves her unconditionally. Cheyenne’s dad snaps back, making it clear that he only loves Cheyenne “with conditions.”
I think that’s nice…
Cheyenne’s stepmom chooses that moment to bust out what she’s been learning from those Rosetta Stone CDs.
“That’s no bueno,” she tells her husband.
“I’M LITERALLY OVER IT!” Cheyenne yells, turning to leave.
Sorry, Cheyenne, but the correct “storm out” phrase on this show is “I’M DONE!” You’ll learn. Oh, and, nice bathing suit.
We head back to Michigan, where Ty is dashing home, eager to start on the “Save the Marriage” worksheet. Cate is upset that Tyler wants to work on their marriage, Tyler is upset that Cate is clueless about their problems, and Nova is upset and screaming because Tyler won’t let her climb on the furniture.
Fun times at the Baltierra farm!
Tyler suggests Catelynn watch the last season of ‘Teen Mom.’
“I don’t like watching that stuff,” Catelynn says bluntly.
Um…that makes two of us, girl!
Catelynn doesn’t want to watch because she says it will make her feel sad when she sees how hard her rehabbing was on Tyler.
“Do you think I’m blind to it all?” she asks him. “Do you think that I was just so into myself that I didn’t care what was happening?”
Tyler doesn’t say anything, but his face is screaming “HELL YES!”
Finally, we had back to Tennessee. Jen comes in to pick up Bentley and it’s awkward…like “Cheyenne wears a thong bathing suit in front of her dads” awkward.
Maci tells Taylor to tell Jen to wait until they finish Bentley’s homework, which means Jen is just lurking around, talking to the babies (or perhaps trying to figure out which one is which). Finally, she just goes out the door, since Maci and Taylor are not even looking her way or saying anything to her.
Bentley finally goes out to meet Jen, and Maci stands there, seemingly proud of herself for the way they iced out Jen.
Once Jen and the cloud of awkwardness are gone, Taylor’s trusty barber, CT, makes a house call to chop off Maverick’s man bun…while he’s sitting in a director’s chair…in the front yard. Maverick’s hair is successfully cut, and Maci takes the sheared locks and puts them in a Ziploc bag.
“I’m going to sleep with this in my pillow tonight!” she says.
I’m sure that’s what everyone did with Butch’s cut-off rat tail for the first year or so…
Later, Maci is also sporting a new ‘do (some sort of unicorn braid sort of updo…which is never actually explained). Taylor brings up how awkward it was when Jen was at their house, and says that it’s dumb that things are so strained between them.
“We’re all in a crappy situation, and not because of any of our own doings,” he declares.
Maci almost seems mad that it was so awkward with Jen.
UM…you were the one who froze her out and didn’t say anything to her when she was in your home. Poor Maverick was the only person in that house who was nice to the lady!
That’s all for this week’s episode!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here!