Gather ’round kiddies for yet another educational episode of Teen Mom OG! The cast is here to teach us fans important life skills including (but not limited to): how to deal with a baby daddy who’s threatening to take a gun and blow you all the way to VH1 (a la Maci); how to fit in with your newest baby daddy’s swanky California friends (courtesy of Amber); and how to pretend you don’t need to pet a therapy horse, despite everyone around you relying on you for everything (a la Tyler).
The more you know…
We kick this episode off in Michigan, where Catelynn is still trying to avoid filling in the “Save Our Marriage” Mad Libs sheet that Tyler’s therapist asked her to complete. Luckily, Dr. Oz has come calling, asking Catelynn and Tyler to come to New York City to discuss their mental health issues and their fantastic marriage.
Tyler must be eager to get away from the farm for a few days, because he’s literally just shoveling cut-up T-shirts and skinny jeans into a suitcase as fast as he can. Nova, meanwhile, is just standing there looking sad as she watches her parents pack to leave again.
So… fresh-out-of-treatment Cate is going to talk about mental health while she sits next to her miserable-in-his-marriage husband as he talks about their great relationship? SUPER! Why not just let Farrah have a segment where she gives tips on how to manage your anger and be a pleasant person?
Once Ty and Cate arrive in NYC, they are shuttled to hair and makeup. (Surely the show’s hairdresser had to spend a good hour or so combing the Koolaid out of Cate’s tresses to make it look passable for this show.)
Ty sits down in the makeup chair and is immediately hit with an awkward question from the makeup artist (who is, for some reason, is wearing a scarf that looks like one of those neck pillows you wear on the airplane). She asks him how many kids he and Cate have, and Tyler bumbles through an explanation about how they have one kid, but really two because they placed one for adoption but everything’s fine because BrandonnTeresa still let them talk to her sometimes.
Just then, Dr. Dow from the show comes in to talk to Cate about all of her therapin’. Cate tells him that watching movies and going on nature walks was great. He seems to be quizzing her, almost like he’s trying to see if MTV got its money’s worth by sending her there. He tells her that her anxiety and depression are likely triggered by anything to do with pregnancy.
“What was the most important thing you learned while being there?” he asks Cate.
(It’s too bad the camera didn’t casually pan to Tyler during this conversation. We all know he was probably delivering some legendary eye rolls!)
Cate says she’s been getting a lot of hate on Twitter from “ruthless” fans calling her lazy for “running away” from her problems.
Just then, a producer from the Dr. Oz Show comes in to chat with Tyler before he goes on stage. (They must be prepping for some sort of Thanksgiving play or something because the producer is dressed like a pilgrim.)
She tells him that they want to talk about how Tyler was left to be the “emotional rock” for everyone once again. She mentions that they may want to touch on how depression affects a marriage. Tyler’s ears seem to perk up at that remark.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee, Bentley is hanging out with Jen and Larry. Apparently, the Edwards clan have concocted some sort of mini golf course in their backyard.
My hope is that the mini golf course will eventually become ‘Teen Mom’ themed, i.e. you have to putt-putt through a tunnel of Butch’s salt-n-peppa mullet hair, or shoot your golf ball through one of Farrah’s “backdoor” sex toy molds or something.
Now that’s a good time family fun right there!
While Bentley’s visiting his grandparents, Maci is prepping to go to Washington D.C. to promote PCOS awareness. She tells us that PCOS is a condition she has that affects her ovulation and makes her all cysty down in her lady garden. She is planning to go to D.C. to take part in getting a bill passed to make September PCOS Awareness Month.
We next head over to Indiana, where Amber and Andrew are planning to take Baby James to California to visit Andrew’s friends and family…for a month. Amber wants to squeeze a quick visit in with Leah before she treks off to The Cal-i-fornia. (Swimmin’ pools…movie stars…)
Amber changes James’ diaper (and proceeds to throw the soiled Pamper on Andrew’s lap, pee side down, as you do…) before Gary and Kristina arrive with Leah. As we learned last episode, Leah has been too busy livin’ her best life to come visit her mom in bed.
“Can he talk yet?” Leah asks as she stares at the baby, quickly realizing that, like her mother, the baby doesn’t do much but lie there.
Andrew suggests they all go out back and look at his spiffy new three-person hammock. (I assume he purchased this for the rare occasion that Amber wants to lie down somewhere other than the couch or the bed.)
Gary, never one to turn down a chance to go view a relaxation device, quickly gets up to go see the hammock.
Later, Amber tells Gary how hard it will be not seeing Leah for a month. Even though Amber says she doesn’t see Leah much as it is, she’s always thinking about seeing her, so that counts.
In Los Angeles, Cheyenne is still partying at what may be the longest family pool party ever. Still dressed in her thong swimsuit, Cheyenne goes over to talk to her dad. He’s all mad because he just found out, thanks to Cory‘s big mouth (and constant need for drama), that Cheyenne’s boyfriend Zach is now her live-in fornication partner.
Cheyenne’s dad told her that he only loves her if she abides by his “conditions,” so Cheyenne is going around the party telling everyone that her father just told her that he doesn’t love her.
She goes up to her grandpa (who is named Harmone, naturally) and tells him this, and he literally could give two f**ks. Harmone looks right past Cheyenne and acts like he doesn’t even hear her. (Maybe he turns down his hearing aid when she enters the room. I mean…you can only take so much of Cheyenne’s post-nasal-drip voice, right?)
Cheyenne (in her thong) marches out in front of her house, where she finds her father. She starts screaming at him about what he said, as the MTV cameramen rush to capture the Kodak moment. Then, Cheyenne’s stepdad comes out (shirtless, of course) and joins the argument. Random people from the party start pouring out of the house to watch as Cheyenne and her dad yell and cuss at each other.
All we needed was a squad car to roll up to the house, and we’d have the all the makings for an episode of Cops!
Cheyenne’s dad explains that everyone has conditions on their love. He legit uses an example of Zach banging 100 people behind Cheyenne’s back, something she admits would make her not love him any more.
“See, there’s conditions!” Cheyenne’s dad yells.
Zach is just standing there, looking like he wants to ask how many girls exactly he can bone behind Cheyenne’s back before she stops loving him.
Eventually, Cheyenne and her dad make up, but not before her dad tells her that her butt is hanging out of her swimsuit and to cover up.
Finally, we check in with Bristol, who, as you’ll remember, decided to give her husband Dakota the ol’ heave-ho last episode. Luckily, she’s not stuck in her house in Texas, wearing her overalls and staring at her estranged husband. Instead, she’s in LA because her son Tripp is participating in a “reality TV dance competition show.”
See? Teen Mom Stars: They’re Just Like Us!
As Bristol watches Tripp rehearse for the “Reality TV Dance Competition Show That Will Not Be Named,” she tells her sister that she’s bummed that she’s going to be stuck living in Austin, even after her divorce, due to her daughters with Dakota. She wants to move back to Alaska because she knows her family will be there to support her through the divorce.
Back in New York, Tyler and Cate are on-stage at Dr. Oz. The doctors ask Tyler to tell Cate what he needs her to know. He looks like he’s about to explode but manages to kindly ask her to understand the toll all of her therapy-horse-petting trips are taking on him. He brings up the Marriage Mad Libs and the idea of her watching the past ‘OG’ episodes, and Catelynn looks like she wants to take a strand of her pink hair and strangle him with it.
Later, Dr. Dow talks to Cate and Ty and encourages Catelynn to watch ‘Teen Mom’ like Tyler wants her to. Catelynn looks madder than if someone had taken her zebra hoodie away, but she doesn’t say anything.
The doc then asks them what the lowest point in their relationship has been. Cate says it was years ago, when they started couples therapy. Tyler drops a bomb on her though, saying that the lowest point in their relationship is TODAY.
Like Harmone, Catelynn must have turned down her hearing aid because she acts like she did not hear a word Tyler or Dr. Dow just said.
Catelynn says there will always be “little bumps in the road” and Tyler can NOT contain the eye roll. He looks down to avoid doing it in the camera but he is not successful.
Over in Indiana, Gary tells Amber that, since they all don’t do anything that the producers can make a story line about these days, he is trying to figure out who is father is. Last season, we learned that Gary’s mom Carol had many, many, um…”gentlemen callers” in the days before Gary was birthed, and she doesn’t even remember whose sperm it was that infiltrated her non-PCOS-stricken ovaries to make Gary.
Carol was gettin’ freaky, y’all!
The next scene takes place in Los Angeles, which means Amber and Andrew and the baby have already flown out there.
Is The Ashley the only one who was a bit disappointed that they didn’t come to Cali-forny in an old jalopy, complete with Cousin Krystle sitting on the back in a rocking chair, a la Granny from “The Beverly Hillbillies?”
Andrew’s friends are all marveling over the baby like he’s the Baby Jesus or something…or maybe they’re just shocked that their pal actually knocked up the ‘Teen Mom’ girl who went to prison?
“So do you like being a dad?” one asks Andrew. “Is it, like, hard?”
Amber, who, as we know, is the model of motherhood, explains that parenthood isn’t as hard as everyone thinks. I mean, the kids basically raise themselves after the first two months or so, right?
Amber and Andrew regale the friends with stories about their relationship.
The friends take turns holding the Holy Infant, and Amber brags that Andrew is a proud father.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Los Angeles, Cheyenne’s drama with her dad is over, so she goes looking for someone else to bitch about. She finds Zach’s friend, Malik, who is about five free Jose Cuervo shots in and looking to make his MTV debut. Cheyenne tells us Malik is “causing trouble” with her.
Cheyenne orders Zach to kick his friend out of the never-ending party, but Zach refuses. Instead, he gives Malik more shots. Cheyenne is all fired up again, out on the porch and telling Cory that she wants everyone to leave the party.
Taking a line from the Great Amber Portwood, Cheyenne is just randomly going around yelling “I’M DONE!’
(I feel like her ‘Teen Mom’ initiation is now complete.)
Cory tries to get Cheyenne to shut her trap and stop embarrassing herself, but Cheyenne is on a mission to get Malik thrown out of the party. Her story keeps changing, too. First, she claims that Malik was annoying her. Then, she says he was waving a bottle in her face. By the end, Cheyenne is telling people that Malik is hitting her with the bottle.
The ever-changing story is all very Farrah-esque. Soon, Cheyenne will be claiming that Malik smashed the bottle over her Granny’s head, stole her thong bathing suit and was stabbing party guests in the front yard.
Cheyenne is mad that Malik is “calling her out of her name.” (And, yes, The Ashley had to Google that phrase because half the time she doesn’t know what the hell the kids are talking about these days.)
Soon, Cheyenne is bawling in the living room about how she feels so “disrespected” that no one is kicking Malik out. Cory looks like he wants to back away slowly out of the room.
Finally, Cheyenne’s stepdad finds Malik and asks him to leave so Chey will stop screaming. Malik seems to agree and all is well…until Cheyenne stomps back outside while screaming at Zach to “DO SOMETHING!”
Soon, Chey and Zach are screaming at each other, as Malik is happily (yet aimlessly) wandering the street, chugging his booze right out of the bottle like he’s Debz OG on New Years Eve.
(Um…can we kick Cheyenne off this show and just focus her segments on The Life of Malik? He’s way less annoying and I imagine he gets up to some interesting hijinks!)
Neighbors, party guests and MTV cameramen are all gathering around Zach and Chey who are both screaming at each other to shut up.
I think it’s sweet when couples start thinking alike!
As soon as Zach accuses Cheyenne of being unable to hold her liquor, she becomes enraged, trying to hit him (Amber-style), as her friends pull her by her witched-out weave to hold her back.
Chey tells us that, after the party, Cory took Ryder and fled the scene.
The next day, Chey calls Zach and they agree to talk out their problems. Cheyenne pretends she’s going to take responsibility for her boozed-fueled craziness.
“I think things could have been handled better…on everyone’s side,” she tells Zach.
Zach agrees that he will keep his bottle-waving friends away from Cheyenne’s weave.
“I don’t like to handle things dramatically,” Zach says.
Oh, honey…you aren’t going to last two seasons on this crap-show then!
Meanwhile, Bristol tells us that she and Dakota have been avoiding each other and have only been communicating through their lawyers. However, she knows that the day will soon come where she has to come face to (sweaty-bang-covered) face with Dakota.
In Texas, Dakota is upset because “there is no coordinations” between him and Bristol in terms of the kids’ schedules. Bristol finally answers his call, and tells him that basically, his seeing his children all depends on how well Tripp does on the “Reality TV Dance Competition Show That Will Not Be Named.”
Bristol then reminds Dakota that her lawyer sent him a memo the other day reminding him to keep his sweaty mitts off of Bristol’s “America” sweatshirts and whatnot.
She then tears a page right out of the Farrah Abraham script.
“I’m a great mom, and I’ll continue to be a great mom!” she declares.
Um….great? But nobody asked you that. The guy just wants to know when the hell he gets to see his kids.
After hanging up with Bristol, Dakota tells a pigtailed Producer Kerthy that he knows Bristol’s mom Sarah Palin is behind a lot of this nonsense.
Soon, Bristol is back in Texas, and she has to go drop off the girls at Dakota’s. She’s hoping she doesn’t have to see Dakota in person, so she brings her mom Sarah with her. (That should be sufficient in repelling Dakota– and pretty much anyone else– away.)
Sarah congratulates Bristol on achieving a “holy moly guacamole” hoochy mama look the night before. Tripp, who is also in the car, looks like he wants to throw himself out of the moving vehicle and take his chances on life as a street kid.
Sarah then assures Tripp that all of his “little friends” are going to want him to teach them how to do the foxtrot. Of course they are; everyone knows that ballroom dancing is all the rage for 10-year-old boys to do at recess!
Bristol tells her mom how excited she will be once she has her own house.
“You..with your logistics…should be a logistical expert,” Sarah tells her. “Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn!”
Um…was Sarah slugging out of Malik’s party bottle? Is she having a stroke? WTF is happening here?
Sarah says that, so what if Bristol loses her house to Dakota? Material possessions don’t “amount to a hill of beans.”
At home, Dakota tells Producer Kerthy that the last two weeks without Bristol in the house have been the happiest weeks he’s had in years. He adds that he feels like he just got out of a life sentence in prison, and that things are much better now that he’s de-Palin-ized the bedroom.
Meanwhile, Producer Kristen is badgering Bristol for updates on Dakota. Bristol looks stressed, and seems to want to kick the crew out, but she doesn’t say it. Instead, she says that she’s upset that Dakota heaved her stuff out of their room.
“In our divorce, I didn’t ask for anything,” Bristol wails. “All I asked for was the money I put into this house, to have that back.”
She says she bought everything in the house, but she’s not going to be petty about it and tell everybody that. (Um…you just did.) She cries because she feels Dakota was being petty by moving her crap.
Over in Washington D.C., Maci is speaking to Congress (or something…I’m not quite sure what the hell is happening here). She ends her Presidential Address with, “Let’s change the world!”
You really can’t make this crap up, can you?
After her inauguration and speaking about the PCOS in her life, Maci flies back to Tennessee to talk to Taylor about the POS in her life. (We’re talking about Ryan here, in case you didn’t catch that.)
Maci later tells the Oopsie Babies that she got to play on the “playground on Capitol Hill” (cue the “Schoolhouse Rocks” song), and that she never imagined that, back when she was just a knocked up teenager, that she would some day be speaking to Congress about her ovaries.
That’s literally all we get of Maci this week, since the show’s new trainwrecks seem to be monopolizing all the time these days.
Back in Indiana, Gary is still “on the case,” trying to track down whoever’s sperm was responsible for his creation. He’s chatted with his mom Carol about “the frisky years,” and Carol has spilled all she can remember from those Zima-filled nights back in the early ’80s where she was banging men like conga drums.
“She feels bad about it because she knows it don’t make her look good,” Gary tells Kristina.
Well… we are on ‘Teen Mom’ here, guys. None of these knuckleheads are exactly the epitome of purity. Had Carol been fornicating around 2008, rather than 1988, she would have probably earned a spot on a lucrative MTV reality show!
Gary is hopeful that the private investigator he’s hired (thanks MTV money!) will be able to track down his dad.
Plot twist: What if it is Butch?! How magical would that be? Maybe Carol was boinking her way up the Midwest and ran into Butch at a biker bar or something? The Ashley is getting unreasonably excited about this possibility.
Back in Michigan, Cate and Ty have returned home from the Dr. Oz taping and Cate realizes that everyone is going to keep bugging her until she does Tyler’s Marriage Mad Libs. She gives Nova a bucket of ice cream and goes to work. When she realizes how “intense” it is, though, she bails out.
Tyler is out with his friends, talking about how he doesn’t want to go back to the quesadilla- and therapy-pig- filled days before Cate went to treatment. He admits to being “pretty miserable” in his marriage right now, and says, just once, he’d like to be the one petting the therapy horse and watching movies!
“If you can meet those needs, awesome, if you can’t let me know now and let me get out of here,” he says.
Tyler sounds about as happy in his marriage as Farrah’s film crew in the Porta-Potty on a hot Texas afternoon.
“Marriage is a bitch!” Tyler declares.
Well…yeah, but so is pretty much everyone on this show…
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here!