Praise the Baby Barb! A new season of Teen Mom 2 has started!
(And, yes, they are still calling this show ‘Teen Mom,’ despite the fact that we’ve been ogling these degenerates for nearly a decade and the girls are now actually pushing 30. The Ashley keeps emailing MTV suggestions as to what to rename the show, but the network doesn’t seem to like The Ashley’s suggestions. It’s a shame, really, as The Ashley thinks “As the Dumpster Turns” has a nice ring to it!)
Anyway, let’s get this s**tshow on the road, shall we?
First, we head over to South Dakota, where a very pregnant Chelsea is excited because she and Cole just purchased a new house on a huge piece of land. (It lacks the swamp water running through it and the frequent shrills of Jenelle to be “The Land,” however.)
We get to see Chelsea and Cole’s new MTV McMansion, which is a super upgrade to Chelsea’s original log cabin. To christen the new place, Cole proceeds to “Raise the Roof” (as the kids say…) and Chelsea starts clawing off the inspirational sayings from the walls, one of which says “Be true to who you are and the family name that you bear.” (Seriously, is Farrah taking time from selling her backdoor to write “Farrah Speak” wall stickers?)
Producer Mandi is also there, and Chelsea shows her around the new place. They go outside to marvel at the quietness of their land (again, not to be confused with The Land, where the screams of rakin’ men and children cryin’ for food can be heard on the regular.)
Soon, Chelsea & Co. are all moved into the MTV McMansion. She’s telling Producer Mandi that Adam has actually managed to roll out of whatever pile of laundry he’s been napping under for the last year or so, and called up the child visitation center to set up a date to see Aubree.
The visitation center called Chelsea to see if she would be interested in snagging a weekly spot that’s just opened up on their schedule. (Someone else’s deadbeat dad must have gotten sent back to prison or something.)
She agrees to take it, so that Aubree can see Daddy Dearest while he still has at least some of his teeth.
Despite the fact that Adam hasn’t spent time with Aubree for months, Chelsea says Aubree still wants to see her dad. Producer Mandi looks unhappy about Adam coming back into the picture. After all, if Adam comes back, Producer Mandi will have to go down to whatever freeway overpass Adam is living under and try to get him to film.
Chelsea’s not thrilled about trekking across town with Aubree, Watson and her ginormous pregnant belly, so that Aubree can see Adam but she’s willing to do it.
Next, we head on out to the holler to check in on Leah. She and the girlseseses have been having a granny slappin’ good time this summer, partly due to Leah getting herself herself a new man! He’s tall like Jeremy and unsleeved like Corey, but he’s also one of them fancy men, having gone to the college and learned himself up real good!
Leah and her new man, Jason, regale us with the tale of their first kiss, which apparently happened in front of the girlseses and Aleeah was not having it!
“She told me ‘Don’t take my mommy’s kisses!'” Jason remembered.
Jason declares that Aleeah’s protests just made him want to slobber all over Leah even more!
The next day, Leah heads over to some rando’s house to brag about how she’s gettin’ it from a new dude. She’s gotten all gussied up for the occasion, throwing on a pair of Aleeah’s denim shorts and a crop top suitable for street walkin’ and/or man gettin’.
The rando— whose name is Meg — starts to tell Leah all about her ding-dang job and whatnot, but Leah can barely look up from her phone and grunt a response. Finally Meg shuts her trap long enough for Leah can brag about her man.
You can tell that Leah and Meg are really close, considering Meg has no clue that Leah’s been playing “hide the salami” with a new gentleman friend for months.
Leah explains that she and Jason met “through a mutual friend,” and that he has…wait for it… A STEADY JOB!
Leah tells a jealous Meg that her new man works in “sells” and that he is 39 years old. She uses her “maths” to determine that Jason is a little over 10 years older than she is.
“That’s not bad though,” Meg says. (Honestly, after Leah said ‘steady job,’ I think Meg would have been in awe even if Leah told her Jason was a leper! He’s got a doggone JOB y’all!)
Leah explains that the menfolk in her age group don’t understand the concept of a girl in her mid-twenties having two ex-husbands and three kids…and a TV crew following her around. (Of course, this is the holler, where the baby daddies get racked up right quick…and there’s always the occasional appearance on Cops so…)
Jason understands Leah’s situation, given that he has his own youngin and a pair of ex-wives!
Leah tells Meg that she’s not in a rush (for once) and that she’s enjoying getting to know him. (This means Meg won’t have to start preparing for the joint bridal/baby shower for at least a few more months!)
Things is well, y’all!
Next, it’s time to head down to Florida to see what Briana and the gang are up to. We find out that Devoin has been living with Briana and her family for a few months. She’s mad though because, even though he’s literally been squatting on the couch outside Nova’s room, he’s still managing not to see his kid.
Briana seems surprised that giving Devoin free room and board hasn’t turned him into Father of the Year. She tells her mom and sister (the forever-side-eying Brittany) that she wants to boot Devoin out of the apartment. (Brittany looks relieved, as she probably had to sleep standing up the last few months to make room for Devoin to live there.)
Britt and Bri declare that, back when Devoin had no phone he spent more time with Nova. (Um…yeah, because his broke ass couldn’t call up any of the local street youths to come pick him up!)
Now that Devoin has gotten his mitts on the finest Tracphone the 7-11 offers, he’s off rousin’ and carousin’ again. Damn that technology! Damn it all to hell!
“He had freedom! He had a link to the outside world and a way to escape,” Brittany says.
Um….nope, nothing creepy about that statement…
Later, Bri texts Devoin to inform him of his eviction, but he’s not worried since he now has his own place.
Next, we head to Delaware to check in with Kail. She gives us the news that Javi‘s now shacking up with his girlfriend Lauren and….she’s pregnant. (Of course she is– this is ‘Teen Mom’ after all.)
Kail tells us that things with Baby Daddy No. 3, the still-refusing-to-film Chris, are better than ever. They are getting along now, and Chris is seeing the baby regularly and making his child support payments. Producer Patrick could care less whether or not Chris is giving Kail baby money. He wants to know if Chris is giving Kail the Hot Beef Injection on the regular!
Producer Patrick is trying to squeeze the fornication gossip out of Kail, but all she’s saying is that she and Chris are “working on” their relationship. (i.e. they’re boning but he won’t let her call him her boyfriend.)
Kail says that she has no feelings toward Javi, and that she really couldn’t care less that he knocked up some other broad. She tells Producer Patrick that she hasn’t had any contact with Lauren, though, due to the fact that Lauren text-dissed her during the period that Javi was simultaneously trying to boink Lauren, Kail and Briana. Kail says she has no desire to buddy up to Lauren.
Finally, we HIGH! HIGH! tail it to North Carolina to go see what Jenelle has gotten herself into lately.
We find out that Jenelle is mad that Baby Daddy No. 2, Nathan, was upset when he allegedly found bruises on their kid Kaiser. (This is, of course, what caused the big custody saga that took place between Jenelle and David, and Nathan and his mom last summer. You can read all about that here!)
Kaiser has been reclaimed by Jenelle, but Jenelle has mediation with Nathan scheduled for the coming week. Before she can go “mediate” with Nathan, though, Jenelle asks her mom Barb to stroll out to a random park to listen to her talk crap on Nathan and sing the praises of her husband Lurch.
They traipse out to a random bench in a random park (because nobody is going to set foot on The Land to film).
Barb says she’s happy that her and Jenelle are getting along now, which Jenelle attributes to Barb no longer “being mean to David.” Barb says they started to mend their relationship around the time that Nathan and Doris kept “Kaisa” from Jenelle.
Jenelle says that Nathan kept Kaiser from her “for no reason,” and that Lurch already explained to Nathan that the bruises found on the boy were from a slip-n-slide, and not from him.
Jenelle wails that Nathan is trying to destroy her swamp water fairy tale life!
“Nathan is trying to do everything in his power to sabotage my husband!” Jenelle cries.
She then explains that Lurch acts like a gun-totin’ raging lunatic because everyone is mean to him!
“And everyone wonders why my husband acts the way he does and freaks out the way he does! It just pisses me off the way everyone thinks about David.
“He doesn’t do anything wrong and does everything in his power to make our family happy,” Jenelle says as she cries. “For everyone out there who wants to hate on David, David is not a bad guy!”
Barb looks like she’s trying to figure out if this is all a trap. She scans the woods, possibly to see if Lurch is standing out there holding up cue cards for Jenelle to read during this scene.
To her credit, though, she did keep a straight face when Jenelle said David “doesn’t do anything wrong,” so I’ll give Babs that…
Meanwhile, in South Dakota, it’s the day of Aubree’s visit with Adam. Chelsea is nervous while driving to the visitation center, since she knows there’s a big possibility that Adam will be MIA (that stands for “Mething in Action” obviously) and not show up for the visit.
Chelsea tells Aubree that if Adam is late, the visit gets cancelled and the visitation center will call them and let them know. Sure enough, on cue, the phone rings and Chelsea is told that they are sans deadbeat dad. Adam has not arrived, which means the visit is not going to happen. Adam will have to pay a fee for wasting everyone’s time before he can set up another visit.
Aubree is straight PISSED. The little girl has some fire in her, given that this is only one of many times that Dear Ol’ Dad has left her hanging. Chelsea manages to keep her cool, though, and tries to make sure Aubree is OK.
They head off to get ice cream and talk about what happened. Aubree says she’s sad but not surprised that her loaf of a father couldn’t pull himself together for one day.
“He never does anything,” Aubree says.
Well…at least anything legal…
In West Virginia, Leah’s new gentleman caller Jason is over for lunch. He and Leah and the girlseses sit ’round the table to feast on some hamburgers. While stuffing her face with Grade C meat product, Leah talks about how her girls have been on camera since the very moment they shot out of her gentleman greeter. The girls soon lose interest listening to Leah and Jason talk about their relationship and how they each have “two felled marriages.”
Meanwhile, in Florida, Devoin and his friend Dre (seriously…is everyone associated with Briana named Dre?) go to get an MTV-payed-for lunch and discuss Devoin’s job. He actually has a real job, serving over at the TGI Friday’s, which is surprising. Devoin says that life as an employed, functioning member of society is exhausting.
Meanwhile, the DeJesus apartment is crawlin’ with people. Briana’s trusty pal “Shirley” (who, even after several seasons, The Ashley believes is using a fake name because… no one under 80 is named Shirley, right?!) is there with her son. Briana tells Nova that Devoin is coming by, but only to pick up the trashbags full of his crap. She tells Nova that she can visit Devoin at his new place whenever she wants.
Once Nova goes off to play, Shirley asks Bri if she’s being “for real” about letting Nova visit Devoin, and Bri admits she’s not sure about it. Just then, there’s a knock at the door, so Bri climbs over the heaps of clothing, toys and junk strewn around the apartment and lets Devoin in.
Devoin collects his crap, thanks them for their hospitality, kisses Nova and makes his way off into the sunset to start his life as a non-squatter.
Over in Delaware, Lauren and Javi are sorting the free loot they recently got at their baby shower. Lauren tells Javi there are 97 days left before his spawn comes barreling out of her vaginal slip ‘n’ slide. She’s terrified.
Javi tells us that there’s been a lot happening lately, what with the shacking up, knocking up and whatnot. He was worried how his son Lincoln would handle it all, but Lincoln is excited. Lauren is not excited, however, about Kail staying away from her. She tells us that she has yet to meet Kail, and that she finds it weird that Kail hasn’t introduced herself at all.
They decide that the Meeting of the Marroquin Baby Mamas should happen at Lincoln’s next soccer game. (At least this way, if Kail and Lauren end up “wraaaastlin'” on the soccer field, Lincoln will be distracted.)
Kail tells us that she’s planning to keep her distance from Lauren at the soccer game, because she doesn’t want to meet Lauren yet. The hustle on down to the soccer field, and Kail sets her litter far away from where Javi and Lauren are, but soon Lauren and Javi are playing soccer with Isaac.
Kail looks like she needs something to bite on.
Soon, Kail and Lauren are standing on the side of the field, battling each other in a weird “coach off.” They’re both yelling commands to Lincoln, who is standing on the soccer field looking like he wants the whole thing to be over so he can go get his end-of-the-game snack. He’d much rather be happily munching on a Handi-Snacks and a Capri Sun than be running around a soccer field trying to listen to what the angry ladies on the side of the field are screaming at him.
All of a sudden Lux runs over to Javi, which forces Kail to interact with Javi. Lauren tries to talk to Kail, but she’s having none of it.
There will be no Meeting of the Baby Mamas today, guys.
Finally we head back to the Carolinas, where Barb is talking to Producer Annalise. Barbara (who is wearing some sunglasses she most likely purchased from Ray Charles’ garage sale) says that her and Jenelle made amends during the whole Nathan/Doris/Kaiser custody saga.
“I guess she needed her motha!” Babs says.
Meanwhile, in Carolina, Nathan is hanging out with some rando who is willing to listen to him vent about Jenelle without making fun of his gelled mohawk hair thing.
Nathan tells his friend about how he found switchmarks on Kaiser’s butt, and how Kaiser said that he got the marks because Lurch hit him with a stick. He says that’s why he refused to give Kaiser back, but eventually the police came to his mom’s house and made them give Kaiser back to Jenelle.
Nathan says he’s hired a lawyer because he doesn’t want Lurch anywhere around Kaiser.
Later that week, Jenelle and Nathan head to mediation to try to talk out the Kaiser conundrum. MTV had its cameras there and was all ready to film, but Jenelle showed up with Lurch in tow, so they had to shut down production.
When they come out of mediation, Nathan says it was a total waste of time and nothing was resolved, so they’ll be going to court.
Jenelle gives Barb her own rundown of the events while they stuff their faces with frozen yogurt. Jenelle says that she denied Nate’s requests to make Lurch be supervised while he’s with Kaiser, and than Nathan got mad and hulked out.
“No one’s listening to me!” Jenelle says Nathan told the mediator. “Her husband is dangerous! I want my son safe!”
The nerve of that Nathan…looking after his kid!
Jenelle claims that, while Nathan was yelling, she sat there calmly, the very epitome of levelheadedness (as we know is always the case for Jenelle).
Barb suggests that Nathan may be on steroids again (or, as she once called it “the tie-stosterone!”)
Jenelle denies that Nathan is on the juice. She does, however, state that Nathan is obviously still secretly in love with her (obviously) and that he’s trying to “hold on” to her any way he can.
Well, obviously! I mean, who wouldn’t want to date Jenelle?! COME ON!
That’s it for this episode!
To read The Ashley’s other recaps, click here!