Stomp out your “peace-gathering” bonfire and find a sitter for your girlseses—it’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2!
(As The Ashley previously told you, Jenelle Evans and her pyromaniac tendencies were excluded from Monday’s episode, but rest assured, the remainder of the cast managed to bring plenty of their own nonsense to fill the allotted time spot.)
Our first stop on this week’s hot mess express is South Dakota where we find Chelsea and Cole running errands with their trio of kids. While driving to pick up some more “Mom Life” sweaters, newest cabin resident Layne starts screaming.
Chelsea tells Cole that Layne is crying because she’s hungry and since they are far from the comforts of their flanneled abode, she’ll have to resort to breastfeeding in the car or, as she oh-so-eloquently puts it, “get my tit out on camera.” (Don’t worry, Chels, Farrah does it all the damn time!)
“You’re gonna do the dangle on camera?!” Cole asks, as if this is the most embarrassing thing Chelsea has done on this show. (Clearly he missed the season when Chelsea decided to go blonde…or pee out her IUD…or date Adam…or basically all of 2011.)
Chelsea has Cole pull over and sends him inside for sandwiches. (She needs some baby-milk-makin’ fuel, apparently!). She crawls into the backseat to feed Layne as Cole (and his milkless man-nips) scurry inside for turkey subs.
After Cole gets back to the car, Chelsea buckles Layne in and they head out for attempt number two of errand-running—all while Layne and Watson scream from the backseat.
Chelsea looks about one crying fit away from losing her mind. (Seriously, if this was Jenelle, she would be pulled over on the side of the road, dropped to her knees, screaming “Leave me aloooooooone!” at her screaming offspring.)
Next we check in with Kail who is getting ready for her PotHead hair product launch. Kail calls her friend Becky and says her sister Mikaila will be meeting her in New York for the launch party. She also says she invited Chris but isn’t sure if he’ll show up. (If he’s trying to slam slippery uglies with his baby mama this week, he’ll be there!)
Kail and Mikaila arrive in New York and head out for lunch. Kail says she’s been getting tons of congratulations text messages and Mikaila for some reason thinks her own pregnancy is the reason for it.
Um…ok? Mikaila should know that this is Teen Mom 2, so no one cares about kids!
Down in Florida, Briana calls her boyfriend John to tell him that Luis has officially moved back to town. He will soon be lurking and humping broads in Orlando’s sleaziest nightclubs, but before he does that, he wants to go see his kid. Briana is nervous about Luis seeing Stella, since the poor kid couldn’t pick Daddy Dearest out of a lineup. (To be fair, she may have to someday…)
John seems unfazed about Bri’s ex-nightclub hump partner living near her again.
With Casa de Girlseses still being repaired from “The Great Flood,” Leah and said girlseses have been squatting at her boyfriend Jason’s house. While eating dinner with Addie—who is praying hard for Jesus… and new carpet, as you do—Leah tells Jason about her plans for the twin girlseses’ upcoming birthday.
Since this show apparently has some sort of standing discount with any and all indoor trampoline parks, Leah decides that’s where the fiesta will be held.
Jason tells Leah he can’t believe the girlseses are turning 9.
Um…bro? You’ve known these kids for about six months (aka the lifespan of the typical Leah marriage.) Quit acting like you’ve been there since they were born. It’s creepy.
He then asks Leah how old she was when she gave birth to the twins. Apparently the fact that Leah is on a show called TEEN.MOM. wasn’t enough of a hint for ol’ Jason.
“You were a dad at 37. I was a mom at 17,” she tells him as he stares at her all slack-jawed.
REALLY BRO? YOU ARE JUST NOW FIGURING OUT WHY THE SHOW IS CALLED ‘TEEN MOM?’
Meanwhile, the twins are out having dinner with Corey and Corey’s dad Jeff. Like Jason, Corey tells the girlseses he can’t believe “y’all’s 9.”
His full quote may be the most “Corey” quote of the series (except for the all-time classic “Jesus God Leah,” of course.)
“It’s crazy that y’alls is nine. It feels like y’alls were just born!” he proclaims.
They have to bust out the subtitles in order for all of us to understand that Corey is telling his girlseses that, once they came shooting out their mother’s underage beaver box, his fun was basically over.
I think that’s nice.
Back in New York, Kail and Mikaila sit down for lunch to talk about baby shower plans. In the middle of their conversation, Kail stops to take a picture of Mikaila and is surprised to see how much the two of them look alike.
“So I look like a fat whale?” Mikaila replies.
JESUS GOD LEAH! That may possibly be the harshest unintentional burn we’ve ever witnessed on this show.
After touching on some baby daddies number 1 and 2 topics, Kail and Mikaila eventually land on the subject of Chris. Mikaila asks Kail when enough is enough, to which Kail basically says she needs his sweet, sweet lovin’, regardless of how stupid chasing him makes her look.
She also tells Mikaila she hopes Chris will show up for her product launch in spite of his disdain for the MTV cameras—a hatred Mikaila can’t wrap her head around.
Back at the DeBoer’s Log Cabin of Love, Aubree is sick and Chelsea is not having any of it because she doesn’t “do puke.” Chelsea says that while Aubree was getting sick in the bathroom at all hours of the night, she chose to check in on her from the hallway and instead sent Cole in to handle everything.
Later on, Chelsea thanks Cole for taking one for the team.
“I’ll deal with all the poop if you handle the puke,” she says. (Man, whoever said romance is dead must have mistaken it for one of the mounted dear heads lurking somewhere in the DeBoer cabin.)
Someone who has to handle both poop and puke herself because she “don’t got no man” is Briana. In fact, she’s just received a text from Luis saying he won’t be able to meet up to see Stella.
Briana tells Brittany about the text and to no one’s surprise, she chalks the whole thing up to Luis being a bitch and well… she isn’t necessarily wrong.
“Luis a grown a** man, he about to be 45,” she tells Briana.
In all seriousness, Brittany is the star of this show. No one throws the shade like her and she wears random Halloween-themed crop tops on the regular for no reason.
Back in the hollers of West Virginia, Leah is driving the girlseses over to their actual house. Her attempt to move her family into her boyfriend’s house on the sly has not been overlooked by Aleeah.
“We basically live at Jason’s house!” Aleeah yells.
Leah insists they’re only there because they’re “fixin’ up their house” (and not because it’s easier to play “hide the salami” when you’re shackin’ up together).
Aleeah isn’t buying it, and tells her mom to “get a U-Haul” so they can at least move all their crap over to Jason’s.
The girlseses decide they want a Paris theme for their birthday party. Leah looks confused as to what that entails, but agrees to get the kids what they want because, after all, “y’alls is nine.”
Over in New York City, it’s the night of Kail’s product launch and she and Mikaila are getting their hair and makeup done in the hotel. Joining them in the room is Becky, who is sporting an interesting white, powdery dry-shampoo look on top of her head.
Becky either needs her roots done badly or she’s just swan-dived into enough nose-candy to satisfy an entire ‘Real Housewives’ cast!
Once Kail and her crew arrive at the party, she’s greeted by some reporters and friends in an extremely crowded room. Shortly after, she spots…wait for it… a no-longer-blurred-out Chris! Yes, apparently Chris has finally taken that first slug of the MTV Kool-Aid and agreed to appear on camera.
Kail sees him and her eyes light up like Addie’s do when she sees a bucket of cake frosting. She runs over to give him a hug, and he grunts into her shoulder that Kail “look good.” He also tells her that he’s proud of her for creating something other than his love spawn.
She plants a big kiss on him and then “slyly” invites him to shack up with her for the night. Way to play it cool, Kail! Apparently ol’ Mikaila just got relocated to the hotel linen closet for the night?
The next scene takes place the next morning, and we see that Mikaila is on the hotel room’s extra bed. That probably means Kail didn’t get to bang it out with Chris. Kail admits that, whenever she sees Chris, she totally forget what a piece of crap he is. Kail says she doesn’t know where their “relationship” stands (um?) and vows to remain single…unless Chris wants to bang or something, of course.
Meanwhile in The WV, Leah and her sister Victoria are shopping (at The Party Palace, natch) for decorations for the girlseses’ party. Leah and her sister struggle to stay on the Paris theme and eventually just opt to go with the “Paris colors” of black and pink because…apparently French people favor that color scheme…or something.
As they throw plastic “Paris” table cloths into the shopping cart, Leah tells her sister that living with Jason wasn’t planned, it more or less just happened… coincidentally the exact thing that landed her a role on this show.
Victoria isn’t buying it. She asks Leah if she officially lives with Jason, and Leah won’t admit it.
It’s all because they ain’t got carpet in their house yet, y’all! That’s IT!
Meanwhile, in Florida, Briana finally convinces Luis to hang out with his daughter, so they agree to meet up at a park. Naturally, Luis shows up to the outing wearing his best DJ-themed t-shirt.
Luis tries to give Stella a hug, but much like the music industry, she wants nothing to do with him. Not only does Stella not want this aspiring DJ to hug her, she doesn’t want him to pick her up either, which she proves with her mini-meltdown in the park.
Bri assures Stella that she’s right there, and that the big bald strange man won’t run off with her. Stella looks terrified.
Back at Chelsea’s house, Aubree is no longer throwing up so Chelsea will finally go near her. To make amends for her terrible bedside manner, Chelsea helps Aubree with a school project, which she presents at school the following day. On the way home, Layne decides once again that she isn’t feeling this whole car ride thing and decides to vocalize it in a big way. For the second time this episode, Chelsea is forced to pull her dirty SUV over to “do the dangle”—this time, in a gas station.
Again, don’t feel bad, Chels! Leah’s kids spent years eating their meals at the gas station!
Back in West Virginia, it’s time for the girlseses Parisian trampoline birthday party—aka the latest partying trend in West Virginia. Leah and Jason head up to the trampoline park early to set up, but not before Jason plays Leah a video of her snoring like a grizzly bear. Jason tells Leah she sounds like an 85-year-old man…
But they ain’t livin’ together y’all!
During the party, the kids (and parents) jump, climb and sweat all over the trampoline park before sitting down for pizza and cake.
Back at the park, Briana and Luis talk child support—or lack thereof—and Luis assures Briana he’s going to get his finances in order, just as soon as he scores a few more DJ gigs on teen night at the local club. Briana tells him he’s missed out on a lot with
Sharla er…Stella and she just wants him to be more involved.
Luis agrees and then flashes a haunting grin at Stella that causes her to immediately start crying again.
Until next time!
To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!