It’s time, once again, for The Ashley to check in with our gal pals from Teen Mom OG, just as she has done for the last decade.
Let’s all take a moment to mourn all the moments of our lives that we have devoted to watching these dysfunctional degenerates over the last 10 years. Sigh. We could have been out changing the world, but instead we spent our time listening to Amber complain and Maci drink beer.
Well, let’s get on with the s**tshow. We’ve already wasted our lives, so we may as well keep watching. We all know that, no matter how many times we bust out our best Amber-like “I’M DONE”…we always end up tuning in anyway.
We kick this episode off with Catelynn, who is about to shoot out The Spawn of Tyler: Third Coming, any day now. While Baby
Tezlee isn’t due for another two weeks, Cate’s doc tells her that that kid could come blasting out of her penis fly trap any day!
Even though Tyler’s dad, Butch, has apparently fallen off the sobriety wagon (and likely landed into a giant pool of cocaine and grocery store brand beer), Catelynn and Tyler still want him there to watch Not-Tezlee as she is expelled from the Cate’s hoo-ha.
I mean, nothing says “Welcome to the world, kid” quite like Butch’s hungover face breathing the scent of cheap beer in your face, am I right?!
Ty calls up Butch to let him know that Catelynn’s “50 percent effaced” so he better HIGH! (HIGH!)-tail it home to Michigan if he wants to see the baby’s birth. Unfortunately, money is tight for Butch, who reports that he only has “like $40” to his name. Tyler assures Butch he will send him enough MTV bucks for a bus pass or something.
Butch is excited to be “in the free world” during the birth of this grandkid, since he (and his epic salt-n-peppa mullet..RIP) were always behind lock and key when any of his other kids welcomed their children.
Cate and Ty later discuss the idea of not having anyone in the delivery room when Not-Tezlee is born. (Well, other than their MTV film crew, naturally. Hey, those bus passes for Butch aren’t going to pay for themselves, you know!)
Over in LA, Cheyenne says she’s moved on from Cory, thanks to her new Baltimore boy toy, Matt. Cheyenne’s stepdad David and oddly named sister, R. Kendall Kylie, are chatting about the new man in Cheyenne’s life.
Chey tells us that she met her new boo met at “an event” and she was wooed by his man bun. Cheyenne says that he doesn’t feel awkward about her having a daughter, so he’s a keeper…at least until Cory dumps that Taylor chick…
Chey admits that she’s a lot for any guy to take on, what with her daughter, her, um, Cory, and her big loud family. Oh, and that pesky camera crew following her around…
Still, the new dude is OK with it all, at least, for now.
“It’s not baggage, it’s blessings!” R. Khloe Kourtney tells Cheyenne.
Over in Tennessee, Ryan is still livin’ that “three hots and a cot” life in the slammer. He’s been behind bars for three weeks, and his son Bentley and parents Larry and Jen are having a hard time dealing with the shame of having a jailbird loved one. However, the Edwards clan seems to be used to seeing Ryan in an orange jumpsuit at this point.
“I wasn’t even crying my eyes out,” Jen says of when she found out Ryan was headed back to the clink. “I was just, like, this is what it is and let’s move on.”
Larry and Jen say they refuse to go down to the jail and see their degenerate son. (As it is they probably have to wear disguises around town so people don’t recognize them from “that show were all them girls done got themselves knocked up!”)
With Jen and Larry refusing to go to the jail, I guess that rules out an MTV-sponsored field trip to the clink so we can gawk at jailbird Ryan. Bummer.
Maci’s got her own problems to worry about. She says she’s noticed that her youngest “oopsie baby,” Maverick is beginning to stutter. She sits in her big hillbilly mansion, burning up that dial-up AOL internet, searching for clues as to what’s wrong with Maverick. She’s worried that the stutter may be a sign of a serious issues, like autism or a learning disability.
Maci gets nervous when she reads all the possible causes of the speech issue, so she and Taylor decide to take Maverick to a specialist.
Meanwhile, in Michigan, Catelynn is home from the doctor’s office. She says that, much like all of us while we are admitting we still watch this crappy show, the baby’s head is down. That means the baby is ready to be delivered. Although Tyler says he’s excited for the birth, Catelynn is not. She does want the pregnancy over, though.
“I’m ready for it to be out!” she says.
Why do I think that’s exactly the phrase Cate was muttering to Tyler about nine or so months ago, when this whole thing started?
Cate and Ty are still trying to make Butch’s travel arrangement so he can watch the birth, but, unfortunately, Butch is Missing in Action. He’s no longer responding to their texts or calls.
Catelynn can’t believe Butch would miss this big moment.
“If any of my kids are having kids, I’m going to be there regardless!” she says.
(Hell, the way this show is going, MTV will probably be there too when Cate’s kids are having kids…in 12 years or so…)
Next we head up to Indiana, where Leah is busy throwing some silent shade at her mother. She’s playing cards with Gary and Kristina and mentions that her mom, Amber, sent her a text and told her that she was in LA.
“She said something about being there for work…or sumpthin,'” Gary says of Amber.
Leah is not buying it. This was legit the face she made at the mention of her mom and the word “work.”
We find out that Amber’s in LA to do press for ‘Teen Mom.’ We all know that actually means that someone had to peel the couch cushion off Amber’s mommy-made-over butt, and now she’s sitting around some California studio, acting like she’s Audrey Hepburn in spandex pants.
Amber, being the glamorous, hard-working movie star that she is, tells Producer David that she has to go to “meetings” all week– and even get up at 5 a.m. once!
The horror! Normally, the house has to be on fire (and/or a prison guard has to be poking her with a nightstick) in order for Amber to rise before noon.
Of course, Amber’s visit to Cal-ee-forn-a isn’t all “movie stars, swimmin’ pools.” She also plans to go see her ‘OG’ co-stars, Cheyenne and Cory. She has a bone to pick with Cory over some comments he made in the press during one of the 25 times in the past year that Amber has threatened to quit ‘Teen Mom.’
She calls up Cheyenne and is being super nice. She makes no mention of the fact that she wants to kick Cory down the stairs and throw a TV at him for what he said about her (that was true) to a random tabloid…once.
The girls agree to get together (after Amber figures out when she can fit it into her tight movie star schedule). Andrew smiles slightly, wondering if tonight is finally gonna be the night that Amber causes him to end up on an episode of Cops.
Cheyenne mentions Cory, and Amber tells her that “Cory needs to come!”
“I need to talk to him in person,” Amber adds as she lets out an evil laugh. (Poor Gary heard that laugh all the way back in Indiana, and probably has to go change his Hanes now.)
Andrew clearly knows what’s about to go down.
“He’s probably nervous you’re gonna smack him!” Andrew says.
Amber says Cory won’t be getting a knuckle sandwich a la Portwood “today” (but maybe tomorrow?), and seems mad that Andrew would dare suggest that on camera. (Looks like Andy may be getting a big ol’ glass of Portwood Punch today…)
Back in Michigan, Tyler and “Miss Waddles” (as he so eloquently calls his in-labor wife) are heading to the hospital. Apparently Not-Tezlee couldn’t wait for Butch to hop on the Greyhound bus and get to Michigan, and she’s coming RIGHT.NOW.
Tyler wakes up Nova and gets her in the car, as a laboring Catelynn assures Nova that nothing is wrong.
Now that Cate is a big MTV star and whatnot, her days of heaving a baby from her loins as an MTV cameraman zooms in for the money shot are over. She doesn’t give birth on camera, so all we get is a post-birth video of baby Not-Tezlee, shot on a home video camera. (I know this was most likely shot on a cellphone camera, but whenever I see the words “Home Video” I think of the giant video camera that Danny Tanner used to carry around on Full House episodes and picture him filming it.)
We learn that Baby Not-Tezlee has actually been given the name “Vaeda Luma” (and, sadly, no, that is not a spelling error. That’s really her name…sigh.)
The whole crew (sans Butch) has arrived at the hospital to meet the new spawn. Even Tyler’s fresh-from-the-‘Hab sister, Amber, makes an appearance (wearing a cat ear headband…AS.YOU.DO.)
Cate’s mom, April, arrives and meets the baby. (There was most likely a nurse following April around with a can of Febreeze, spraying so the newborns wouldn’t have to inhale all the residual smoke from April’s Virginia Slims.)
Over in LA, Amber and Andrew are up and at ’em. They make sure to announce that it is 6:15 in the morning. Apparently a shot of Amber in the wild at that time of the morning is more rare than a Bigfoot sighting and needs to be properly recorded!
They get her to the E! studios and put her in hair and makeup.
After her interview, Amber and Andrew meet up with Andrew’s friend Flynn who looks like he’s been released from jail after going on a two-day bender. (Well…that or he’s just from LA and working on production of a TV show.)
The first thing Amber tells Flynn is that they’ve been up since 5 a.m.
Amber explains all of the Hollywood stuff she was doing today, bragging about how she had to do another live TV show today. Don’t ya hate it when that happens?
Flynn (and whatever critters are currently living in his ample beard) tell Andrew and Amber how cute they are together. Amber says Andrew’s great because he doesn’t let things bother him.
That will probably come in very handy since he’s in a relationship with Amber…and her insane temper…and her Fist ‘o’ Felon.
Over in Michigan, Baby Not-Tezlee (aka Vaeda) is heading home from the hospital. The family’s assorted pets are there to greet them when they walk in the door, but sadly, no Butch.
Producer Kerthy wants to talk about what a general life disappointment Butch continues to be. Cate talks about how on the morning of Vaeda’s birth, she thought she had gas and/or needed to poop, but it turned out to be the baby coming!
Cate says that, at this point, the babies just kind of fall out of her hooter.
“I only pushed one-and-a-half times and she was out!” she proclaims. “It took maybe five minutes!”
Cate then offers her thoughts on labor and delivery.
“I think it’s one of the most disgusting but beautiful things in the world, ya know?”
Producer Kerthy looks confused…and kind of scared that Cate will ask her to be this kid’s godmother…where’s Producer KiKi when you need her?!
Later, a still-robe-wearing Catelynn chats with Tyler and his mom Kim about their lack of Butch.
“He’s such a dick!” Kim snarls. “I could care less if I ever see him in my life!”
They talk about how Butch had no excuse not to come to the baby’s birth, especially since he has missed all of the Baltierra Family births in the past, including Tyler’s.
“F**K HIM!” Kim yells, adding that she went all “Mackenzie Edwards” on Butch and wrote him a long, mean letter.
“As I sit here and type this letter to you, Butch, my heart is very heavy,” Kim reads. “I know what hurt looks like in my kids’ eyes because, you see Butch, I’ve seen it all of their lives!”
OOOOH, giiiirl! Kim did not come to play. (Sadly, she didn’t tell Butch that he’s so full of s**t that his eyes are brown, but I’ll let it slide…)
Kim finishes her letter by telling Butch he’s dead to her and that she has discontinued her relationship with him! She says she’s washing her hands of Butch (and all his substance abuse shenanigans) and Cate and Ty commend her for having the courage to send Butch that letter.
Over in Tennessee, Mackenzie is shoveling salad into her gullet as she talks to her friend…and for some reason we have to watch it happen.
Mackenzie is knocking back margaritas as she explains that Ryan’s been arrested three times, and she’s stuck by him each time. (Uh-oh…Mack may be trying to take Maci’s spot as the designated ‘Teen Mom’ Martyr! Hold on to your cross, Maci!)
“I’ve watched him get put in handcuffs three times,” Mackenzie says.
Mack explains that, before Ryan’s most-recent arrest, he did spend a few moments with his newest son, Jagger, before he was cuffed and clinked.
While Mackenzie seems calm now, she admits she went “freakin’ postal” on the poor lady at the jail. (Something tells me there was a very sternly-written letter sent to the jailhouse the very next day!)
Apparently Mack tried to take Jagger down to the jail to visit his daddy (as you do), but the jail lady refused to admit the baby without his birth certificate.
Mackenzie says that, although you are allowed to visit your degenerate loved one every day if you want, she hasn’t gone to see Ryan in about two weeks.
“I just think it’s gross!” Mack says. “I don’t like it!”
Meanwhile, Maci and Taylor are taking Maverick to a speech pathologist to check out his speech issue. Maci’s nervous but anxious to hear an opinion from someone other than Dr. Google.
Maci mentions that everyone tells her that her daughter Jayde “talks so well” (Um…) and is so smart, but everyone just kind of seems to feel bad for Maverick. Maci and Taylor agree though, that the kid has a mean streak. Maci also says Maverick’s a cry baby.
Geeez. You guys may want to pull this episode for your home library of ‘Teen Mom’ episode DVDs. If Maverick sees this when he gets older, he may burn down the hillbilly mansion in a rage. The fact that they named him Maverick gives him almost enough reason to torch the place as it is…
They pick up the kid and take him to the speech center, where the pathologist asks them questions about Maverick’s issues. He asks them if anyone in the family “demonstrates any disfluency in speech.” Taylor and Maci look confused by the question, but tell the pathologist that, no, they all talk real good.
The pathologist sits and plays with Maverick for a while to evaluate him. Later, he tells them that a lot of kids that are Maverick’s age have speech issues, and that he doesn’t think Maverick needs any special therapy at this time. Maci and Taylor are very relieved.
In California, Cory tells his pal Jose that he knows Cheyenne is dating someone new. He’s thrilled, because that means he’s free to bone Taylor without any guilt about not boning Cheyenne.
Later, Cory offers to “give Cheyenne a ride” to her dinner with Amber. Chey says she knows Cory has been “poking” at Amber on social media, so she’s hoping Cory can contain himself and play nice with Amber.
Cory mockingly tells Chey that he will be nice to Amber. Cory then says he plans to pick apart everything Amber says.
Cory should probably throw on a helmet over that cap. Safety first!
Speaking of Amber, it’s now 5 p.m. and she’s getting cranky. (I mean, she has been up since 5 a.m., in case you hadn’t heard!)
They’re caught in LA traffic, and Hollywood Starlet Amber is not happy about it. Andrew decides to get the toxins out of his life (no, we’re not talking about Amber here), so he buys himself a liver detox drink to sip on while they sit in traffic. He asks Amber to hold it for a second, and she looks at it in disgust, like it was Gary’s sweaty underwear or something.
Amber tells Andrew she’s tirrrrred from working all day. When Andrew tells her that he needs to pull over and find a gas station bathroom ASAP, Amber is even more annoyed.
How dare he need to empty his bowels in the presence of such a star!?
Honestly, Hollywood Amber is just a total treat.
By now, Andrew is sweating and his eyes are starting to bulge out. He looks genuinely worried that he might have an accident before he finds a gas station.
It’s now 6:30 p.m. (nearly a half hour since Andrew asked to be allowed to blow out a gas station bathroom), and they’re still driving. Somehow, they end up in an ally. Amber keeps yelling at the poor guy.
(Kudos to whoever chose the music for this scene. They’re legit playing a song that says, “I’ve got a feeling I can’t ignore…” We know Andrew does too…and it’s about to blast itself all over that rental car driver’s seat!)
Andrew pulls into a parking garage and gets out (we can assume to relieve himself) and Amber is super-annoyed. Andrew comes back to the car, 10 minutes later, looking much better, only to find Amber even more irritated.
They arrive at the restaurant and Amber tells us that she hopes she can talk to Cory and “get him to understand my past.”
Cory and Cheyenne arrive at the restaurant. Cory and Amber hug (I assume this is like when boxers knock fists before they beat the tar out of each other?) and they all sit down to chat.
Cory wastes no time in antagonizing Amber.
“Did you sign your ‘Teen Mom’ contract yet, or not?” he asks her.
Amber gives him a look, and we all know s**t’s about to get ‘Jerry Springer.’
Everyone else giggles nervously, but Amber is not laughing.
“You wanna play right now?” she asks in her best “Tough Girl Who Has Been in Gel” voice.
She then explains that she had enough of the online bullying that comes with being on this trashcan of a show. (They play the sad music so we feel bad for Amber.)
Cory offers the most un-heartfelt apology ever.
“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings,” he tells Amber.
Cory brilliantly changes the subject and brings up Taylor. Amber, always up for a good gossip, even during a fight, asks who Taylor is, and Chey explains that it’s Cory’s new little girlfriend.
Cory explains that his girlfriend is a big Hollywood star like Amber, since she’s already been on Are You The One? and Ex on the Beach with Cory.
“Cheyenne met a guy and his name is Matt,” Cory tells Amber.
(Andrew has not uttered a single word during this conversation. We can assume he’s under the table, leaking liver toxins and sobbing?)
Cheyenne corrects Cory and tells him that she and Matt are not dating, they’re “courting.”
Um…when did this become the Duggar reality show?
Amber, being the career entertainer that she is, immediately wants to know if Matt is “in the industry.”
Amber says that having Andrew be in “the industry” has helped him understand her life and helped them stay together.
In the end, Amber and Cory let go of their beef. (They show us this by having a cartoon lion– Cory– hug it out with a cartoon sloth– obviously Amber.)
Later, Cheyenne tells us that she’s going to reach out to Taylor because Cory asked her to. She tells her family about her plan and her mom and sister (R. Kim Kris-dashian) are against it. (The sister is holding her also-oddly-named son, Baaz and making faces that look like she just sampled Andrew’s liver detox drink.)
“It’s hard thinking about someone around Ryder that’s not us,” Cheyenne’s mom says.
Cheyenne decides to reconsider her plan to talk to Taylor…
That’s all for this episode! Until next time…
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