Hi-de-ho, fellow trash TV lovers! Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone (and with it, our waistlines and/or dignity), it’s time for a nice, big helping of Teen Mom 2 trash stew, starring out favorite nearly-30 trainwrecks…and Chelsea.
We kick things off in the holler with Leah, who was left with quivering loins after Jeremy ditched out on their date earlier that week. Leah has yet to hear from Jerm to find out when he plans to finally come butter her biscuit. (And no we’re not talking about him applying Country Crock on her Cracker Barrel buttermilk bread, thank you very much.)
(Hint: we’re talking about them doing “the sex.”)
However, there’s no time for Leah to be thinking about her empty pickle pocket, as her sister Victoria is fixin’ to go ‘er to the courthouse and get herself (another) divorce! As we know, Victoria’s souvenir from their Costa Rican vacation came in a form of an oopsie baby, courtesy of their river rafting instructor. Unfortunately, Vic was still hitched to her second husband when she got knocked up, so things are a bit messy. (I mean…these are the Messer sisters after all; mess is legit in their last name.)
Victoria is nervous to face off with her husband in court while she’s carrying another man’s baby. She is scared that her husband will make Victoria hold off on the divorce because she’s knocked up. Apparently in The WV, the jilted husband can make the wife wait until the spawn-in-question is born so that a paternity test can be administered.
Hey, bro: I’ll go ahead and save you that trip to The Maury Povich Show right now: You are NOT the father.
Leah, having already been through two divorces herself (because…this is ‘Teen Mom 2’), volunteers to go to court with Victoria for moral support.
Somehow, Leah manages to turn the moment around to focus on her and Jeremy’s cancelled dinner-and-doink session. Leah says that “life with Jeremy” is just a constant string of cancelled plans. (Damn those sick grandparents!)
The girls arrive at the courthouse, and Victoria points out that it’s just like old times.
“We’ve been here together before!” she says jollily as she hoists herself out of Leah’s trashmobile.
There are two girls, both under 28 with four divorces under their belts. Mama Dawn must be beamin’ with pride!
Next, we head over to South Dakota, where Chelsea is still sporting her fashionable pilgrim hat and worrying about the message that Adam‘s mom Donna left her. She and Cole are still on their weird double date at the deserted mall food court, but Chelsea can’t wait another moment to find out what Donna wants to chat about, so she goes ahead and calls her.
Since Adam’s mom doesn’t want to be on this crappy show, we only get to hear Chelsea’s end of the phone conversation. We can hear Adam’s mom talking, but they have kind of made her sound like the teacher on the Charlie Brown cartoons so we can’t really understand what she’s calling to bitch about.
Apparently, Adam’s mom wants Chelsea to agree to let Adam be at the house when Aubree visits her grandparents. Cole looks like he needs a stick to bite on to help him contain his anger as Adam’s mom insists that Adam doesn’t need to go to any visitation center to see his daughter, even though their court agreement says otherwise.
Chelsea finds out that it’s actually Adam’s mom, not Adam, who wants Adam to have more time with Aubree. Chelsea tells her that it’s not going to happen.
Cole and Chelsea’s friends assure her that she made the right choice by not letting Adam’s mom get what she wanted. Adam’s mom apparently used the excuse that Adam can’t pay for visitation center visits because he has no income because he has no job.
Next, we swing over to Indiana to see what Jade‘s up to. As you may remember, her baby daddy Sean recently failed to pay his utility bills and had his water and electric shut off. Rather than let Sean resort to crapping in holes and cooking his Top Ramen over a traditional hobo trashcan fire, Jade has offered to let him stay at her place. Jade tells us that he’ll be staying at her home until he can pay his bills.
So….basically, ol’ Sean will be shacking up there forever…or, at least until he and Jade get into another fight and she tosses his stained white tank tops, Axe body spray and vape pen into a heap out in yard.
Speaking of the TV, Sean lovingly cradles his Sony 40-inch as he takes it out of Jade’s trunk as she explains that she “don’t have no stand” for it to sit on. I’ve never seen him hold his daughter
Khloooy Klowie Khloie that carefully.
Sean thanks Jade for letting him “you know, stay here…and stuff.” She says that because he is the man who knocked her up, she felt like she had to help him.
I think that’s nice….
Sean says he’s realized he doesn’t want to argue with Jade like he did when they lived together the last time. I guess a few days of washing your Hanes with the neighbor’s house will do that to ya!
“We’re older now, it’s time to grow up,” she says.
I mean…they are a whole five months older than they were back then.
We next head over to Delaware, where Kail is dealing with her sick dog, Bear. Last episode, we watched as Kail got devastating news that Bear likely had a cancerous mass on his spleen. She calls her friend to talk about her options for Bear. She knows she will probably have to put the dog down.
Kail has to explain what’s happening to Bear to her kids. Since there is nothing funny at all about sick animals and putting dogs down, The Ashley is just going to skip right on through this. It’s not a laughing matter…
Instead, we’ll head down to Florida to see what Briana‘s doing. She is out on the patio with “Shirley” chatting about her baby daddy drama. To the surprise of literally no one, ol’ Luis has been Missing In Action since Bri gave him the “trucking” money. He has not contacted her or Stella since he got his grubby mitts on that cold-hard cash.
Bri says her relationship with her boyfriend John is also lacking. They barely talk and Briana says she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. And, since she has no time to breakup with him the proper way, she’s just going to text him to let him know it’s over.
“Shirley” thinks that’s pretty cold, but Briana still shoots John a literal “Dear John” text to end it.
“I’m not happy anymore and do not want to be with you,” she writes.
Well…you can’t accuse Briana of not getting straight to the point!
John responds that he already knew things between him and Bri were over, but doesn’t write much more.
“I wish I got more out of him!” Briana says. “I don’t know what this means right now! Are we broken up?”
Back in South Dakota, Chelsea, Cole and the rest of their litter (sans Aubree, who is with Adam’s parents) head up to Papa Randy‘s cabin for some relaxation and Adam-bashing.
Cole and Chelsea tell Randy that Adam’s mom told Chelsea that it’s time she stopped “punishing” Adam for his “failures.” Adam’s mom also said it’s “inconvenient” for her to have Adam banned from the house while Aubree’s there.
Randy jokes that Chelsea only has eight more years of dealing with Adam & Co.’s crap before she’s free. Chelsea looks like she wants to jump off the balcony of the cabin after hearing that.
Back in West Virginia, Victoria and her lawyer emerge from the courtroom victorious!
“It’s all over!” Vic tells an excited Leah, who awkwardly high-fives her.
Victoria joyfully exclaims that her current husband yelled “That’s not my baby!” when the judge was told that Victoria is pregnant.
Of course, Leah has to find a way to bring it all back to her own mess of a life.
“Being here triggers me a little bit,” she tells Victoria and the lawyer (who looks like she wants to hand Leah her card so she has it for when she and Jerm get back together, remarry and then split again.)
“Ex husbands just makes everything complicated!” Victoria says.
Yes. Yes, they does, Victoria…
Of course, fornicating with a rando you met while on vacation in another country while you were married to someone else probably doesn’t help, either…
Later, Leah takes her girlseseses to the park to celebrate their Auntie’s second divorce with bacon double cheeseburgers and fries. Afterward, Victoria stops by Leah’s house to discuss Victoria’s newest baby daddy, a Costa Rican man named Royer. Vic swears that they are getting along “for now.”
Well…it helps that you have thousands of miles and several international borders between you, hun. The last time you saw the dude in person, you were “heels to Jesus” in the back of his raft, so it’s kind of too early to tell how your relationship is going to be.
Leah is worried that Royer will come to the United States and things with Victoria will not work out. Victoria says that, if that happens, she won’t let it define her life.
This, of course, allows Leah to talk about her own trainwreck-of-a-life. She says all this divorce talk makes her think about when she split with Jeremy the first time. She says that she feels that neither her nor Jerm are putting much effort into their bangfests these days, so it may be a sign that they aren’t meant to be regurgitated soulmates after all.
Leah decides that she must sever ties with that sweet, sweet Jeremy Lynn lovin’, for the sake of the girlseseses, who are becoming confused by her relationship with Jeremy.
“And it’s not about the sex anymore!” Victoria declares. “You can totally get that elsewhere, you already know that!”
Mama Dawn must be positively radiant watching her dainty daughters’ conversation.
Leah hopes that Jeremy will agree that they need to stop humping for the sake of their daughter.
Meanwhile, in Indiana, Jade is thrilled to see that Sean is being helpful while he’s squatting at her house. To celebrate Jade’s birthday, Jade and Sean (and a pack of random friends and family looking for an MTV-paid-for meal) go to a restaurant.
“Everyone pop a squat!” Jade tells her crew as they sit down at the table.
The topic of conversation drifts to Jade’s mom, whom Jade says is still not allowed in her house. (I suppose the limit is one jobless moocher at a time, and Sean’s already snagged that spot!)
A random raspy-voiced aunt (who, no doubt, has smoked at least two packs of Kool Ultras since Reagan was in office) asked if Jade and Sean are getting along now that they are living together again. (I suppose she’s asking because she’ll want to videotape any upcoming episodes of Cops they may be featured on?)
Jade and Sean say that they are managing to refrain from ripping each other’s faces off. Jade says the fact that Sean has been earning his keep via toilet scrubbing and underwear washing has made things much better.
Sean even proposes a toast to Jade. He thanks her for being an incredible mom and “an incredible girlfriend.” Jade looks like she wasn’t informed that she was once again Sean’s girlfriend but she lets it slide.
Later, Jade and all her best galpals squeeze themselves into neon Fashion Nova frocks to go out on the town to celebrate Jade’s birthday. There’s enough Wet-n-Wild eyeliner and knock-off Kylie Jenner cheek highlighter at that table to start a discount makeup store. Seriously.
Jade– dressed like she’s going to interview for a job as The Grinch’s personal assistant– gives a speech, thanking all of her friends for helping her through a very tough year. They all cheers to that, then slug down as many free cocktails as they can sink their Lee Press-on Nails into.
Jade tells her pals that she hopes Sean continues to be a decent person, and that one day they can get married and be happy. She says she loved him even before he knocked her up and she still loves him now.
The next day, Sean is supposed to pay his bills and return to his own home. Jade isn’t sure that’s a good idea anymore, because she’s enjoyed Sean being around to take out the trash (and give her the occasional pickle tickle, surely). She tells him to forgo paying his bills and just stay with her as long as he wants.
In West Virginia, Leah is fixin’ to tell Jeremy that their hump seshs are over. He calls her up and she explains that she feels that it would be best if they cut off the romance (i.e. sex) and just acted as co-parents, since their relationship is starting to confuse Addie.
Jeremy seems to suggest that they can still hook up, but Leah explains that the banging makes her have “fillings” for Jerm. She is unable to separate rabbit sex from romance.
Jeremy says he agrees with her, but Leah senses he is just saying that to get off the phone.
She demands that Jeremy tell her how he really “fills.”
Jerm agrees that he doesn’t want their banging to confuse Addie, and he worries that their relationship will once again turn sour and they’ll end up back at the trusty courthouse again.
Jeremy then seems to fake being pulled over by the cops, which Leah thinks is a lie to get off the phone.
Leah hangs up the phone, sad that her days of Jeremy “laying pipe” in her nether regions may be over for good this time.
Back in Florida, the DeJesus Coven goes out for sushi…and smack-talking of all of Briana’s menfolk. She tells Roxanne and Brittany that she has given John the text kiss-off…and that she’s unhappy that he didn’t grovel and beg her to reconsider.
Roxanne is disappointed in Bri for breaking up with John via text.
“You owe that man a call!” she tells her.
Briana refuses to call John, and the rest of the DeJesus Coven calls her a coward.
The next day, John does text Briana back…to let her know he’s in the hospital. (Possibly from the shock of the breakup?)
They ended up talking on the phone after John “textedededed” Bri a photo of his hospital discharge papers. John had been complaining of chest pains, which he attributed to a “heartbreak.”
Brittany can barely keep her eyeballs inside their sockets because she’s rolling her eyes so hard.
Briana says that she started crying as John explained her was “emotionally stressed out.” She decides to go up to New York to meet with John the next day. Brittany advises her to cut the cord ASAP if she’s not in love with John. Briana is having second thoughts about ending things with him.
The next day, Briana arrives in New York, but John wants to have their discussion off-camera. (Boooooo! Hisssss!) After their talk, Producer Jamie (wait…who?!) comes to Bri’s hotel room to chat and get the scoop on what went down.
Briana says that after an awkward dinner, John blamed her for everything that went wrong in their relationship. She actually takes responsibility, stating that John is right.
“He was so mad…he was crying and like, screaming at the same time,” Briana says of John.
Briana said that, in the end, they both decided to end things. She’s bummed that she’s going to have to see John’s mug at the upcoming ‘Teen Mom 2’ Reunion.
That’s it for this season of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ Next time we see the girls it will be onstage at the Reunion. (Hopefully all the girls remember to pack their helmets!)
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ recap, click here!