Howdy, kids! We’ve got another episode of the Teen Mom OG, full of the same crap we see each week. We’ve got one girl regurgitating her relationship with an ex (Cheyenne); someone else talking about their anxiety (Amber), and, of course, somebody moving. (Is it even an episode of this show if someone doesn’t relocate?)
We kick things off this episode in Indiana, where Amber is still mulling over Gary’s offer to let her squat out on the lawn of his property. She says it would be a “big move” (but, frankly, any time Ambie shovels herself off the couch it could be considered a “big move”).
Amber says that she’s trying to spend as much time as she can with her daughter Leah, because Leah’s “almost at that age” where she won’t want to hang out with her parents anymore.
During one of Amber’s visits, Kristina invites her along for the Shirley Family Fun Day out on the lake. Amber (surely knowing that the boat will be equipped with many, many glorious seats) jumps at the chance to go along…until Gary informs her that they’ll be going boating near her old house.
Amber then, of course, informs us that she has so graciously let her ex, Andrew, and their son James stay in her house, while she has been stuck in Air BnB’s. She longs for the machete-marked walls of her old abode (not to mention the couch she left behind that had just the right scent of dog pee and Matt Baier’s old sweat in it).
They begin to talk about Amber’s house.
“It’s Andrew’s now,” Gary says, immediately regretting making that statement. Amber shoots him a death stare that appears to terrify him. He gets that “walking downstairs holding a TV with Amber behind me” look in his eyes and I’m pretty sure he tinkled in his boxer briefs a little.
We watch as Ambie and Andrew (wearing a space cat tee, natch) have their first date (pre-machete whacking) with their son in the house. But, as we know, things went sour, shoes were thrown, weapons were wielded and mugshots were taken, so now Amber has been away from her dream house for over a year. She’s nervous about going over that way, because she thinks she may run into Andrew at the lake.
(Um…is he Sasquatch or something? Why the hell would he just be lurking around the lake, waiting for Amber, her Shirley “parents” and her film crew to arrive?)
Next, we head over to Oklahoma. With her upcoming move to Florida getting closer, Mackenzie decides it’s finally time to tell her kids they’re being uprooted.
The kids ask if their dad will be coming along and Mackenzie tells them she doesn’t really know, but if not, he can still visit and FaceTime them often… as long as the reception is decent at whatever bar Josh and the rodeoin’ groupies are hanging out at this week, of course. The kids also ask about their Papa – Mackenzie’s dad, Brad, – and are relived to find out he’s allowed to visit them as well.
Um…the kids do know they’re not going to prison, right?
More importantly, Mackenzie assures the kids that Florida is a magical land full of swimming pools, dolphins, seashells and cereal.
Mackenzie says that while she’s away, she’s renting her home to her friend
Airbnb and has already found a place in Florida that she and the kids can lease/terrorize for a year.
Next on her to-do list: packing the necessities.
Mackenzie tells her sister Whitney that life has been keeping her on her toes lately, but “it’s exciting.” She also says she wants her sister and dad to visit soon, but is worried the visit might have to be delayed because their dad hasn’t been feeling well. Mackenzie is concerned about leaving her dad while he’s sick, but for now, she’s still planning to relocate.
Over in Los Angeles, Cheyenne – currently doing her best Amber impression by sitting on the couch – tells Zach she’s passing the time by “building a cart,” which is code for spending her MTV money on some online shopping.
Cheyenne tells Zach she’s planning to meet up with her friend Zaina somewhere outdoors where they can safely hang out. (Apparently all the outdoor personal trainers and outdoor aerial acrobatics instructors in LA are booked for the day?)
But…who can think of hanging upside down by a piece of cloth at a time like this? Cheyenne has BIG problems. She’s nervous what her pals will say when they find out she’s boinking Zach again. As we know, things ended badly the first time Zach and Chey were dating, so Chey’s friends won’t be too thrilled to see his raggedy ass coming back for Round 2.
He tells Cheyenne he supports her, yet when Cheyenne extends an invite to join her and her friends for lunch, Zach gives the same answer Cory gives when asked if he’d like to eventually get a real job: “No, I don’t.”
Later on, Cheyenne meets up with her friend Zaina for a lunch date that surprisingly doesn’t require a safety harness. Cheyenne tells Zaina that a few months ago “an old friend” reached out and now she and said-old friend are kind of dating/humping. She then confesses that Zach is the “old friend.”
While Zaina seems surprised by the news, she insists that they FaceTime their friend Remy to let her do the dirty work – aka tell Cheyenne what a terrible mistake she’s making.
Remy says she doesn’t think Zach really made Cheyenne happy in the past and both she and Zaina agree that they need to see proof that Zach has made some changes. In order to do this, Zaina says they (Cheyenne’s friends) need to have a talk with Zach.
Cheyenne looks thrilled.
Down in Tennessee, we briefly check in with the Edwards crew, where it’s apparently nap time (or there’s a slow carbon monoxide leak that’s making everyone in the house sleepy). Larry has nabbed Ryan’s special burrow on the couch for once and he’s using the time wisely.
Jen tells a (possibly conscious?) Larry that, once again, Bentley has some kind of sportsball game, and she wants the whole clan to attend. Instead of Larry asking Ryan himself, Larry asks Jen if Ryan – who is literally lounging about 5 feet away – will be coming along to the game. Ryan appears caught off-guard by this suggestion but ultimately mumbles his response. He says he will not be attending the sportsball game.
Finally, we check in on Catelynn and Tyler in their home (aka the Octagon of Triggers). Catelynn is still training to make the world a better place, one bad eyebrow at a time. However, today the focus is not on Cate’s Career of the Month, because their pal Alexa has come over to talk about the only other storyline these people have: making more girl babies!
“Just bang it out before you’re 30!” she tells a terrified-looking Tyler.
He tells Alexa that he and Catelynn have yet to “bang it out” in order to spawn again.
They then launch into a discussion about how Catelynn often thought it was a bad idea for her to have Vaeda…while she was pregnant with Vaeda.
Awww, come on, Cate! Save something for Vaeda’s baby book…which, if it’s anything like Carly’s scrapbook, should be ready by the time Vaeda is starring as the grandma on “I’m Pregnant and So Is My Grandma!” (I mean…it’s only a matter of time before TLC tries to create this show…)
Tyler then explains that he has the easy part of making babies. He literally just has to “bang it out,” while Catelynn has to carry the kid, push it out, go through the pain of the baby spewing experience, etc. (And, not to mention, he’d have to surely deal with Cate’s mom April in the delivery room, smoking a ciggie at the south end of Cate, croaking “Push it like ya takin’ a poop, Catelynn!”)
The next day, Catelynn and Tyler, along with Tyler’s mom Kim, take the kids to the apple orchard. Both Baltierra spawn are cranky, which makes Catelynn worry that adding another tier to that stroller would send her over the edge.
Catelynn, in an effort to calm down her cranky, wild kids, offers to get them “some donuts and juice.”
They head over to a bunch of picnic tables, where Cate proceeds to plunk Vaeda in the grass and change her because she’s crapped herself. (That must bring Kim right back to the days where she was dating Butch!)
Tyler jokes that if they make a third crotchfruit, Cate will likely just throw her (because we know it’s going to be a girl) down and change her right there on top of the picnic table while shoveling down her seven-point quesadilla!
Kim then asks the required question of the episode: When will Cate and Ty have another baby? Kim tells them that if they fail to spawn again, they’ll regret it.
WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE PUSHING THESE TWO TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD!? Between the kids they have, all of their animals (and I’m including Butch in that category), the therapy horses and Tyler’s general hate of his life, another kid is the last thing they need.
All of a sudden, the producer tries to stir up some drama by announcing that the bouncy house is CLOSING.
Nova goes into shock, screaming and crying that she did not get to jump in the inflatable COVID incubator. She’s starting to go apes**t. (Picture April if someone told her they’re going to stop making her brand of cigarettes.)
Tyler feels bad that they didn’t take Nova to the bouncehouse sooner. He says that the womenfolk wanted to shop, therefore causing the kid to miss out on bouncing the donuts and juice out of her system.
Catelynn starts to walk Nova to the bouncehouse, but dares to turn around to say something else to Tyler. That, combined with the idea of adding yet another baby girl to his litter, sends Tyler into a straight-up tizzy.
“JUST GO! JUST GO! TAKE HER!” he screams at Catelynn, ordering her to go faster so it doesn’t close.
Um…Catelynn has two speeds, Ty: slow and not moving.
Catelynn protests that Tyler should come, or bring Vaeda as well, but he wants to sit at the picnic table (with the plastic jug of what I hope is apple cider and not baby urine). He yells so loud that his voice cracks like a pre-publecent boy.
“Why the hell are you yelling at me?!” Catelynn screams back. (Meanwhile, all of the people sitting around them at the other tables are looking scared/like they should whip out their camera phones and record a “Teen Mom Couple Freak Out” video for YouTube.)
Tyler then realizes that he looks like a crazy person, so he tries to change his tone and pretend he’s all happy about the bouncehouse experience, but the damage has been done. Nova, realizing she hasn’t gotten any attention for the last 30 seconds, decides to up the drama even more.
“I’M NOT GOING IN THE BOUNCEHOUSE!” she screams as she attempts to run to another picnic table to join another family.
Cate finally takes Nova to the damn bouncehouse, and Tyler turns to his mom to talk about what just happened. She, however, is swooning.
“God, you look just like your dad,” she says in a creepy, dreamy voice.
Tyler says that since Cate “spit venom,” he had to spit it right back.
I think that’s nice…
Back in Indiana, it’s Shirley Family Fun Day! Amber (borrowing the martyr’s cross from Maci for a scene) tells us she’s willing to “put her anxiety aside” in order to spend time with her daughter.
Gary has fired up the boat, and Amber and Kristina go to pick up Leah and her sister from school. Leah is very surprised to see her mom in the car with Kristina at pickup. It’s obvious that Ambie doesn’t often see the light of day early enough to pick Leah up from school.
“Wait…what are you doing here though?” Leah finally asks.
Amber is surprised by her daughter’s bluntness, so she asks if Leah would rather she just get out of the car and lurk the local cornfields. Leah looks like she’s seriously considering the offer.
“Do you want to?” she asks. (Even Kristina can’t manage to stifle her surprised laughter at Leah’s ruthlessness.)
Leah BooBoo BoogerButt Shirley has had enough of Amber and her shenanigans, y’all!
On the drive through Ambie’s old neighborhood, Leah reminds her that Amber always told her she was going to get one of the “rich houses.”
Amber is suddenly filled with pride.
“Didn’t I?” she brags.
Leah then brings up the time Ambie took her parasailing (on camera, naturally).
“I swear to God we were gonna fly off that boat!” Amber remembers.
Soon, the whole gang sets out on the boat. Amber immediately whips out her camera to get an Instagram mom photo, but Leah shuts down her dreams of proving she’s a hands-on mom.
“Don’t post that anywhere!” she tells a disappointed Amber.
Later, Amber sits down with Producer Townsend. (Wait….WHO?! There’s no way that’s her real name. She’s probably just embarrassed to be on this show and doesn’t want people to know her name. Can’t blame ya, girl.)
They begin to talk about how Leah had to grow up fast, due to Ambie spewing her from her loins at such a young age. (And, you know, the prison stay, Amber’s fondness for the Tabs ‘o’ Fun, Amber’s rotating soulmates, the machete whackings, the trainwreck TV show and whatnot.)
To be fair, though, Amber is being quite self-aware in this scene, much more than usual. She says that her own behavior caused Leah to “see things some kids don’t see” and be impacted.
Still, she’s confident that with Kristina and Gary’s help, Leah won’t end up being on a crappy MTV show about pregnant teens like Amber was.
I think that’s nice…
Meanwhile, Maci is still supporting “Bentley’s” decision to see a therapist, although she has a new concern on her plate as Bentley’s grades have started to slip. Maci tells Taylor the latest progress report from the school shows that Bentley failed an open book test, to which Taylor asks “how?”
Maci and Taylor decide they need to talk to Bentley and explain the importance of asking for help when you need it. Taylor suggests that they also remind Bentley that wrestling season “is right around the corner” (as well as cross country and golf team and all the other assorted sportsball tryouts) and if he can’t keep his grades up, he can’t be involved in all 37 of his activities. Maci says Bentley should treat school how he treats baseball.
OK seriously, how many activities is this kid involved in?! Bentley has more responsibilities as a middle schooler than Ryan does as a married man in his thirties with 3 kids. Just making sure he has all of the appropriate shoes/cleats/spikes on for each sport is more of a job than most of the people on this show have.
Later on, Maci and Taylor sit Bentley down in an effort to “motivate him.” (And by “motivate” him we mean “shame him on-camera,” of course because…Maci.)
Bentley tells his parents he has “a couple C’s” and they tell him he’s doing well on classwork and homework, but falling short when it comes to tests and quizzes – open book or not.
Apparently Maci isn’t on-board with the ol’ “C’s get degrees” study plan. (We all know how important education is to Maci. After all, she did spend about 10 years getting her associate’s degree.)
They remind him that faith and family come first (well, their family, anyway), followed by school. But more importantly, he can’t fulfill his goal of one day lettering in 20 different sports if he doesn’t keep his GPA up.
Maci reminds Bentley that he can do better – something we’re sure she wishes she could say to her teenage self back when she was choosing who to let diddle her hoo-ha.
A couple of days before her move to Florida, Mackenzie stops by her dad’s house to see how his latest doctor’s appointment went. Unfortunately, Brad reveals he has to undergo quadruple bypass surgery. He goes on to explain the procedure to Mackenzie who looks a bit horrified, rightfully so. Brad tells his daughters that he needs their mom right now because “she’d know what to do.” Mackenzie and Whitney tell their dad they believed he was having chest pains as a result of a broken heart and are shocked at the doctor’s diagnosis.
Whitney tells Mackenzie their dad will be going into surgery the following week (after her move to Florida), and asks if Mackenzie will be pushing back her plans. Mackenzie wants to know “the chances of something bad happening during surgery,” to which her dad explains every surgery can be risky.
Later on, Mackenzie’s friend Cayla comes over so Mackenzie can fill her in on everything going on. After explaining her dad’s upcoming surgery, Mackenzie reveals she’s postponed her move a week in order to be there for her dad during (and a few days after) his surgery.
Cayla tells Mackenzie it’s good that everything happened before she left for Florida instead of after, to which Mackenzie agrees, adding “this family needs to catch a break.”
When we check back in with Cheyenne, it’s time for her posse to confront Zach and for Zach to try his best to win them over. Soon after their arrival, however, we see that the odds aren’t looking very good for Zach. We also see that, like most of us, Remy and Zaina had too much time on their hands in 2020.
Remy and Zaina ask Zach to explain who “2020 Zach” is – aside from a man sitting on a couch with his girlfriend and second-guessing the decisions that brought him to this moment. Zach says while dating Cheyenne this time, he plans to drinks less, maintain his own identity and be more understanding of Cheyenne and Cory’s co-parenting situation, etc.
After a few more PowerPoint slides, Remy and Zaina deliberate and declare Zach and Cheyenne “guilty in love.”
Finally, we check back in with Cate and Ty. Things are still tense after the Great Bouncehouse Blunder, and Tyler tries to clarify to Cate that he felt like she snapped at him.
They both apologize for snapping at each other, and they leave the apple orchard full of donuts– but not full of anger.
The next day, Kim watches the kids while Tyler and Catelynn “reconnect” in their relationship, and talk about having another baby.
They talk about how this is the first time in years that they raised their voices at each other. They then talk about reproducing again, and Cate says she doesn’t want to regret not having one more kid when she’s in her 50s or 60s. (Hell, they’ll still probably be filming this show, so we’ll get to watch how that plays out!)
Ty mentions that they’re currently “not” not trying (um…ew) and that Cate could get sperminated at any point.
“Heat of the moment, you feel like you know what. We have no fears about it,” he says.
That’s all for this episode! Hopefully next episode we’ll get to watch Cate take a pregnancy test on the toilet again!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recap, click here!