It’s once again time to head down into TeenMomVille, where the unplanned pregnancies are plentiful and the couches are well-worn.
This is a very special week on Teen Mom OG, as a youngin will be slip-slidin’ down the baby chute of Cheyenne. Let’s get right to the Pitocin- and placenta-filled fun!
For our first stop, we head to Los Angeles. When we check in with Cheyenne this week, she’s “epiduraled up,” as Zach puts it. MTV cameras were not invited in to film the spawn expulsion, but Cheyenne’s mom, Zach and Zach’s dad Terry–- who scored a last minute invite to the birthin’ party–- are there to witness the fun.
You’ll never see a man more thrilled to be sitting next to a biohazard waste trashcan than our boy, Terry. He is having a great time and seems to be shocked that he snagged the last viewing spot in the hospital room.
Back at the house, those who didn’t make the cut— Cheyenne’s sister, R You Really Making Me Watch You Give Birth Via FaceTime?, her dad, Ryder and Baaz–— check in to see if the baby is ready to rip through Cheyenne’s nether regions.
After some dramatic music, we cut back to the hospital annnnnd right to Cheyenne’s crotch. We are getting the full play-by-play from the stirrups
After some more blurry baby chute shots, baby Ace slides on out and make his MTV debut.
Back at Cheyenne’s house, Cheyenne’s dad Kyle pulls Ryder away from her Cory Challenge Barbie doll to let her know her little brother has arrived. Ryder seems less-than-enthused by her new little bro.
Cheyenne and her dad keep talking about how awful Chey’s labor with Ryder was…right in front of the kid! Ryder just has this sad look on her face, almost like she’s trying to figure out how to apologize for weed-wacking her mama’s lady garden four years ago.
The next day, Cheyenne and Zach make it home with baby Ace, and Ryder and Baaz welcome him with some head pats.
After settling in for about 3 seconds, Cheyenne starts to realize how difficult it will be balancing a newborn and a four-year-old– something she probably should’ve considered about 10 months ago. Fortunately, Cory has made it back home from ‘The Challenge’ and will soon be there to lighten the load/steal some camera time.
Down in Florida, Mackenzie is taking a break from calling Josh a dick and trying to get her kids to do something other than crap in garages, run away and bite people. She decides to confront her dad, Brad, about his unhealthy lifestyle.
Before confronting her dad, Mackenzie talks to her brother Zeke, who reveals Brad has been neglecting his diabetes and feeling depressed. Mackenzie tells her brother she understands why their dad isn’t in a good place because he’s “missing his other half.” Mackenzie decides– for reasons completely unknown– that it would be beneficial for Brad to come to Florida for a visit.
…because things are going so well at the McKee household?
Later on, Mackenzie wrangles her (literal) ankle biters for a FaceTime call with their grandpa. When Brad picks up the phone, Mackenzie & Co. catch him mid-McDonald’s run, much to Mackenzie’s dismay. Brad tells Mackenzie he’s only dining on McDonald’s mystery meat because he’s pretending that his grandkids are eating it with him… which says a lot about Mackenzie’s cooking.
As Brad drives off with his meal-o-shame, Mackenzie tells him she’s going to arrange for him to visit her and her sun-kissed rugrats in Florida, with her sister serving as his travel escort/food monitor.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee, Maci‘s come down with another case of the “females.”
Does anyone think this footage is from the same day a few episodes ago that Maci was
hung over um…sick from PCOS PTSD? The clothing they’re wearing is suspiciously similar to the clothes they were wearing in that other episode. Come on, MTV, buck up and hire Ryan & Co. back! We need some drama. This show will sink faster than Jenelle‘s house on The Land if every episode focuses on Maci’s ovaries.
Anyway, because Maci’s laid up, Taylor‘s frantically trying to figure out how in the hell he’s going to collect all of the Oopsie Babies from their various sporting activities and schoolings. He gets out his “Things That Matter” notebook and draws out a game plan that puts him picking up Bentley at cheese-rolling practice, and Maverick at his lawn-mower racing match. However, that leaves Jayde stranded at underwater knitting lesson!
Taylor calls up one of their trusty pals and, luckily, he picks one who appears to be sober even though it’s already afternoon. (Phew!) Maci’s pal Ashley tells Taylor she’ll be happy to throw on a “Things That Matter” jersey and head on over to pick up Jayde.
Taylor’s feeling pretty good about himself, having figured out a way to transport all of the Oopsie Babies but, a few days later, Maci’s bitchin’ mad!
“I have a bone to pick with you,” Maci tells Taylor. (Naturally she waits until the cameras are there to pick said bone…)
Taylor, most likely already knowing that his wife is about to verbally circumcise him for literally no reason, continues to look on his laptop. (We can assume he’s reading WikiHow articles on the topic “How to get your wife to stop bitching at you.”)
She’s basically sitting on the couch screaming that she’s “a good mom.” (Oh crap. I thought we had switched over to Amber‘s segment for a second!) She tells Taylor that, while it was nice of him to give her ovaries the day off from shuttling Oopsies in the minivan, she doesn’t want anyone else raisin’ her babies!
Maci says that on the day she was “sick or whatever” Taylor had no right to call up a friend and ask for help.
“I would prefer it not happen again!” Maci barks. “You and I both take a lot of pride in showing up for our kids, being there for our kids, no matter what.”
Taylor looks dumbfounded. He explains that he was trying to help Maci out and be kind. Maci, however, seems to be taking his actions as an assault on her mothering skills. Taylor’s being careful not to clap back at Maci for being an ungrateful wench (because the cameras are there and all).
Maci says it’s no fair that Taylor’s getting mad at her for being mad at him.
“I mean, I think it’s ridiculous!” Taylor protests.
Finally, Taylor’s had enough and gets up, stating that he needs to go fetch an Oopsie Baby. He walks out the door and you just know he went and crushed a six-pack of Bud Lights (and then crushed the cans on his head) in anger.
Maci sits smugly on the couch, angry that anyone has dared to disagree with her.
Next, we go over to Michigan and see what’s new in the Octagon ‘o’ Trauma. Catelynn and Tyler are still recovering from their visit with Carly, but Cate doesn’t have time to think about that because she will be expelling yet another Female Spawn ‘o’ Tyler from her vagine in just eight weeks.
Cate says she wants some “quality couple time” with Tyler before the “focus is on the kids full-time.”
Um…you already have two kids, girl. Shouldn’t you already be there?
Catelynn asks Tyler if they can go on a “babymoon” before the new spawn arrives. She says she wants to go back to the place in Puerto Rico they went with Maci and Amber (and their beaus) years ago. Whenever The Ashley thinks of that trip, she can only see this:
Catelynn gets busy looking up flights but Tyler has to remind her that, you know, they already have two Carly Clones to unload before they can go on vacation. Catelynn assures Ty that April (and her new sassy haircut) will watch a Clone, and his mom Kim would help out, too.
Tyler laments that, once the third Carly Clone barrels through Catelynn’s loins, Vacation Time will be over for them.
“When’s the last time when we didn’t have no kids?” Cate asks.
Thanks to that pile ‘o’ MTV money Ty and Cate have in their Octagon, they are able to jet out on a moment’s notice to some far-off, exotic place that is both baby-free and Butch-free.
The next day, though, their babymoon plans are on hold when April reveals that she’s too busy to watch the Clones. They’ve put all their vacation eggs in Kim’s basket, hoping she’ll watch both Clones so they can babymoon bone in peace.
Sadly, though, Catelynn and Tyler are told by Kim that she has to, you know, work and can’t just watch a boatload of kids at a moment’s notice so they can go on yet another vacation.
Go figure! (Also, are people even allowed to say the word ‘work’ on this show? Isn’t that a contract violation or something?)
Tyler tells Cate that people with a bunch of kids don’t usually get to go on “babymoons” anyway. He reminds her that no one is gonna watch three kids for them. Catelynn is disappointed that she’ll have to spend the last few months of her pregnancy at the Octagon with a bunch of screaming Carly Clones.
Finally, we head to Indiana to check in with Amber. Apparently, Purdue University isn’t having any more online flash sales for college swag, so Amber’s trying to figure out how to fill her time. She decides that her new goal is to get Gary to go to counseling with her so that he can understand her better and not hold all the selfish crap she did/does against her…or something.
She wraps an ACE bandage around her head and texts up Gar to inform him of this new plan.
Amber says that she hopes getting Gary therapied will convince him to let Leah go to therapy too.
Gary takes Kristina out back to inform her of Amber’s latest desire, and that he plans to go.
“Once again I get put on the back burner!” Kristina said, quickly changing her tone to make it sound like she was joking.
Gary has no clue why Kristina feels back-burnered, and seems to be confused as to why she doesn’t want him to devote even more time to Amber’s wants, needs and “fillins.”
Gary says that he won’t go if Kristina doesn’t want him to. (Of course, that means he may have to dodge a TV or two once Amber hears the news.) He asks her if he should go.
Kristina didn’t answer at first, but then mutters, “If it’s gonna help.”
Literally everything about Kristina is screaming “F that biotch” but, because she’s an actual saint, she doesn’t want to do anything that hurts Leah.
Gary asked Kristina again if he should go, telling her, “If you don’t want me to go, then I won’t go.”
“I’m not going to stop you!” Kristina answered.
She did, however, want to know if the therapy session would be about the co-parenting of Leah, to which Gary replied that the session would probably be more about Amber and understanding her mental health issues.
“That way I don’t hold things against her!” Gary says. “I can get a little insight into her.”
Kristina looks like she’s about to go ‘rill woman’ on Gary. Gary has been getting ‘insight’ into Amber and her ways for over a decade. I think you know everything you need to know, man.
Gary reveals that he and Amber went to a counselor years ago, back when they were still together and Amber was still beating on him. Gary says that the counselor told Amber to stop getting physical with Gary or it could make Leah more likely to seek out a violent partner later in life. He also told her that her violence could have legal ramifications.
Gary tells Kristina he knows that she’ll understand because…actual saint.
Gary admits that it sucks that he’s basically bound to Amber until LeahBooBoo is 18 and/or she gets a restraining order to keep Amber away from her, whichever comes first.
Back in Los Angeles, Cory is coming home to celebrate getting yet another participation trophy on ‘The Challenge.’ Cory’s homecoming coincidently falls on Father’s Day, and even though Cheyenne gave birth four seconds ago, she can’t turn down the opportunity to throw a party.
While this particular celebration will be light on bounce houses, professional decorations and live entertainment, it will still give Cheyenne an excuse to flex her party planner muscle. More importantly, it will give Cory a reason to shift the focus of an episode centered around a whole human being born back to his favorite thing: his damn self.
Before the Father’s Day festivities begin, the dads and other male family members (minus Cory) sit around and talk about fatherhood. During the talk, Cheyenne’s dad tells the group it’s especially important to him to as a Black man to have broken the stigma often put on Black fathers and how Zach will also be a setting an example for the next generation to come.
He also tells Zach he’s “passed all the tests” with him before getting up from the table to give Zach a hug.
As the Father’s Day celebration continues, Cory arrives at Cheyenne’s house and surprises Ryder with a big sign and zero prize money.
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, Mack is preparing for her dad and sister to arrive for their visit. Unfortunately, there is clothing, candy and (possibly literal) crap all over Casa de McKee. Mackenzie is stressed, trying to clean up her house just enough so that it isn’t condemned by the city while her family is in town.
Mackenzie goes on to state the obvious: the chore chart she created for her pack of wild children “hasn’t been working.”
Despite the popsicle-covered floor and dirty, well… everything, Mackenzie is super excited to see family members that won’t argue with her/disrespect her on camera for a change. She shoves all the old food and broken toys and whatnot into closets and under beds and gets the house presentable by the time her family arrives.
As Mackenzie’s family settle into her sticky house, she sits down with her dad to talk about “his sugars.” She takes him ’round back, where the youngins are busy stirring some sort of mosquito-filled pool of water with random sticks…as you do.
Brad admits to Mackenzie that he’s let his health slide since her mom passed away, and Mackenzie says she struggles with it herself, despite what people may think.
Brad knows he needs to do something about his health to prevent his kids and grandkids from losing someone else in their life. He and Mackenzie decide to do something about it together, as long as it doesn’t involve any sort of chart.
Meanwhile, back in Tennessee, things at the MTV Mansion are tense. They joke that MTV is going to be making a storyline out of how crappy their relationship is. (And…here we are…)
Taylor says he reached out to trusty “Dr. Carol” to see if she can give them some couples counseling.
Later that day, Maci and Taylor retreat into the rec room to talk to Dr. Carol. (Bentley and Maverick— sporting twin banged mullets, as you do— watch nervously from the door.)
Maci explains that she wants her fights with Taylor to be quick, precise and…you know…end with him agreeing with her. Taylor says that he lets Maci’s crap slide way more than he should.
Dr. Carol tells them that they should work on communicating in a way that doesn’t “terrify” the other person.
I think that’s nice…
Sadly, Dr. Carol doesn’t tell Maci that she was being completely unreasonable and ridiculous. They decide that the best time for Maci to complain to Taylor is after she bones him in the morning.
I think that’s nice…
Dr. Carol also stresses that Maci and Taylor make sure to carve out some “beer time” for each other.
Maci says she wants more Taylor Time and that “sometimes it’s annoying because I just like him so much!”
Taylor responds with the fakest laugh humanly possible. He is, however, relieved that there will at least be beer.
Meanwhile in Michigan, Tyler sees how disappointed Catelynn is about not getting a fourth babymoon, so he heads out to the Therapy Horse Stables. He calls up Kim and tells her he wants to surprise Catelynn with a romantical dinner outside the Octagon. Kim says it’s a great idea (because it doesn’t involve her watching the Clones while Cate and Ty are “livin’ la vida loca” thousands of miles away in Puerto Rico.)
Later, as Tyler is preparing the surprise dinner, Cate is tucking the kids into bed. Tyler is so excited for Catelynn to see what he’s done, so he calls her out.
“What the hell is this for?” she asks as she walks to the table, which is lit up with candles and covered in her favorite flowers.
Catelynn reacts with little to no enthusiasm. You would have thought that someone just asked her to give Gary a vasectomy or something.
“Do you love it?!” Tyler asks, pointing out that he’s got all her favorites set out for her.
“Yeah. It’s cool. Thanks babe,” she responds.
UM!!?? What’s with these bitoches being ungrateful to their super-sweet husbands. I think they need to be married to ol’ Matt Baier for a week or two to really appreciate what they have!
Tyler keeps desperately trying to sell Catelynn on the dinner, since he’s clearly put so much time and effort into it. Catelynn, realizing that she is gonna look like a dick on TV if she doesn’t show some appreciation, then tells Ty he will be rewarded for his efforts.
“You deserve a blowie!” she tells him.
JESUS GOD LEAH. I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT…OR PICTURE THAT.
They toast to their love (and the fact that they no longer have to live under Butch and April’s unstable roof.)
Finally, we head to Indiana one more time. For some reason, Gary has to go to Ambie’s house to inform her that he’ll go to counseling with her. (Texting must be down in Indiana?)
They small talk about how much Gary sweats while “doing his garden.”
“That’ll make you lose weight, sweatin’ and s**t!” Amber declares.
Seriously, these two are made for each other…
Amber’s surprised to hear that Gary will go to therapy with her. She also reminds him that she doesn’t just have mental illnesses but she has the top mental illnesses.
(Honestly, is there anything more “Amber” than what I just typed?!)
She then launches into how much effort she has to put in just to shovel her backside off her couch every once in a while. (I mean, otherwise she’ll get pressure sores and stuff.)
A few days later, Gary has to pick up Amber (naturally) and haul her ass to the therapy appointment. We’ll have to wait until next episode to see what Amber guilts Gary into doing next!
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom OG!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here!