Jenelle Evans posted a new vlog this week, detailing what’s been happening in her life since she last hoofed it over to her she-shed and recordeda YouTube video a month ago.
And, because The Ashley has nothing better to do, she’s going to recap this mess for you!
Jenelle kicks things off by announcing she has finally got rid of the pile of algae that had been in her pool. (Sadly, she is not referring to her swampy soulmate, David Eason, here.) Jenelle is sitting in front of her pool drinking coffee, as the weeds on The Land grow waist-high or so. Jenelle goes on to laugh that she’s “actually been kind of busy” for once. (Not that her usual schedule of chugging Natty Lights and shaking her dumper on TikTok don’t keep her swamped…pun intended.)
Anyway, Jenelle explains that in the month since she made her last video, things have been going well…
Jenelle admits that she and David “didn’t get along for, like, a week.”
She assures us, though, that “we’re back at it.”
(When she says “at it,” The Ashley can’t help but think of the Jenelle and David rolling around on the floor, tearing each other’s mildew-scented T-shirts off in a fit of swampy passion. Also…now that image is stuck in The Ashley’s head so someone please come drown me the murky waters of The Land Pool. Please and thank you…)
“Our marriage is stronger than ever!” Jenelle reassures us. “Sometimes we disagree over the stupidest things but, you know, our marriage isn’t perfect.”
Um…yes, so we— and most of the emergency services personnel in North Carolina– have heard…
Jenelle then switches gears and talks about actually escaping The Land and going to Briana DeJesus‘s recent “Bash Kail Bash,” which was held in Florida earlier this month. Jenelle seems thrilled to have attended an event that she wasn’t kicked out of, and/or that she didn’t have to have David and his trusty collection of balloon slashers dragging behind her.
“It was last-minute, I wasn’t gonna go,” she tells us. “We had so much fun y’all! It was actually great because everyone got along. There wasn’t any fights, any arguments or disagreements.”
(Apparently hating the same person makes for a great party theme?)
Jenelle goes on to say that Bri’s party was a DeJesus Family Reunion, with Briana’s Coven ‘o’ Cousins even flying in from out of town to attend.
Of course, they may have just been there to watch Briana’s lump-of-a-baby-daddy Luis spin tunes, as he served as the party’s DJ. (I’m sure the Orlando-based Denny’s where he usually DJs on Saturday nights was bummed that he called in sick. No one bumps jams for the folks eatin’ Moons Over My Hammy plates quite like Luis!)
The idea that a party could take place without any brawls or screaming matches must be novel to Jenelle, because she keeps stressing that there were no arguments and that she got along with everyone. Over and over…
Jenelle then reveals that one of her old nemesis–MTV– was at the party, and that we may be seeing her oddly eyebrowed mug on our television screens sometime soon.
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“Was MTV there at the party? Yes. Did they film me at the party? Yes, I signed an agreement to film,” she said.
(Just so you guys know, this does not mean she signed a contract or will get paid if she appears. She most likely only signed a release form to have her image/voice appear on the show.)
Jenelle says that “we had a little bit of conversations” (um?) when she arrived at the party. But other than that they “just had fun.”
“So for everyone freakin’ the hell out about this party, it was really about friends coming together and hanging out!”
Jenelle goes on to talk about how Briana beat Kail in her lawsuit.
“There’s freedom of speech, so you can’t get mad for bitches talkin’ s**t,” Jenelle tells us.
(I feel like they should change the motto of the United States from “E pluribus unum” to this quote, honestly. It’s as American as it gets!)
Jenelle then actually has an unexpected moment of self-awareness, stating that she can’t go sue everyone who talks crap on her for getting arrested so many times, because it was her own fault.
Wow…wasn’t ready for that one. What’s next? David being nice to animals or Kieffer telling everyone it’s not a good idea to make meth in your kitchen or something?
Jenelle then says that she’s done talking about K-A-L-E. (Don’t worry guys, she “spelt” it wrong on purpose so that it would be the vegetable’s spelling. Oh, Jenelle, you card!)
Jenelle then starts to get this sly smile on her face. She explains that she “hasn’t really been keeping up” with what were supposed to be her “daily” vlogs.
Jenelle then goes back to the topic of the party, marveling over the fact that Briana had a tattoo artist at the party who gave everyone tattoos “for free!” (The Florida Department of Health is cringing right now.) She says that he did a great job. (However, this is coming from someone who has ‘YOLO’ tattooed on her collarbone— unironically— so…)
“His name was Celebrity Tattoo Artist.”
Of COURSE it was.
Naturally, Jenelle chose to get a dollar sign on her wrist because… she’s actually making money y’all! She begins to talk about her “new business venture” which is… ONLYFANS!
Yes, kids, Jenelle is now taking photos of her carefully concealed hooter and selling them on the OnlyFans app.
Jenelle is thrilled that people are actually paying her to post photos of her bazoongas covered in swamp moss (or whatever the hell she’s posting on there. The Ashley has no clue and plans to keep it that way!)
Jenelle then explains what’s changed since she told fans a while back that she would never post explicit content on OnlyFans.
“I want to show a sexier side of myself!” she says.
Jenelle says she’s tired of the “bad stigma” that surrounds OnlyFans, and that if she wants to shake her hooters ‘n’ cooter on camera for money, that’s her business.
Besides, she says, not all OnlyFans content is sexual.
“You can choose what you want to do. You can do cooking videos.”
“And if you do want to post some sexy stuff, you set your boundaries,” she continues. “No one is telling you what your rules are.”
Well, except maybe David…obvs.
Jenelle explains that it costs $20 a month to access her subscriber page, and then she sends out “mass DMs” for more personal videos and “pitchers.”
Jenelle makes it clear, though, that she’s never done nudity in those videos or “pitchers.”
She then slyly mentions that she’s been making “really good” money off of OnlyFans. She refuses to reveal exactly how much, but it appears to have been enough for a hose off and a new shirt, as Jenelle is looking cleaner in this video than she has in her last few.
Jenelle, a true businesswoman, then tells us that she’s been trying to make her page “very personable and worth it” for the fans. She gives OnlyFans a glowing review, and say she doesn’t care if fans think she “degraded herself” by signing up, because she’s fine with whatever she’s posting being leaked…or something.
“Why post thong and bikini ‘pitchers’ on Instagram when I can just post it to a private page that only adults see?” she says.
Jenelle says she’ll keep posting these “informational videos” on YouTube, and keep flailing her fanny on TikTok, but all the “sexy stuff” will now go on OnlyFans.
She goes on to say she is frequently asked for photos of her hooves.
“Some guys aren’t all gross, and the website isn’t all gross,” Jenelle says.
(Um…if you’re some dude who wants feet pics of some random former reality star, you’re probably at least somewhat gross…)
Speaking of gross, Jenelle then addresses the fact that even David has made an account on OnlyFans and has been posting “sexy” stuff to it.
JESUS GOD LEAH, I can feel the chunks rising…
Even Trashbag Tori has gotten into the act, and is currently making money on OnlyFans. (Not gonna lie; The Ashley would actually subscribe to Tori’s page if she’s willing to just post videos of her toting her possessions around in a Hefty bag and/or hitting Jenelle on the head with drumsticks in various ways.)
At the end of the video, Jenelle signs off by promising not to forget about the chumps on YouTube who watch her crap. (Heeey-o!)
For more of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!
(Photos: MTV; YouTube)