Sister Wives is back! For once TLC didn’t make us wait two years (or 13 cycles of the Brown Family cold sores) in between seasons, so the footage we’ll be seeing is relatively new-ish. The Ashley can’t lie— she’s been waiting to get her mitts on this episode and sink her claws into the pile ‘o’ douche that is Kody Brown for a while now.
So form a cringy flashmob with family members you hate, and put your hair into a frizzy man-pony and let’s jump right in, shall we?
Episode 1 kicks off by giving us a recap of what went down last season, when Kody chose to isolate from some of the Sister Wives and their children due to “COVID.” He swore that he was only doing that because Christine and Janelle and THEIR kids refused to rub down their mail. However, some of the Sister Wives began to suspect it was Kody’s way of getting out of rubbing them down and just staying with his beloved wife, Robyn and being able to give her the ol’ biscuit butter on the regular.
We also get a refresher on Christine deciding to finally throw the 175-lb glob of ramen hair and gaslighting— otherwise known as Kody— the hell outta her bedroom, after he confirms that he has no desire to ever butter her biscuit again.
Oh, and Meri’s still not getting any either, but no one even remember she’s still in this “family” so no one really cares.
That’s where the new season begins. We get some new opening credits for Season 17: There’s Meri and Kody’s wedding pic (and the more-recent photo of them together and touching. Kody looks like he is dying to Lysol down his arm to get any bit of Meri off of him). There’s Janelle and Kody’s wedding photo, and a recent pic of them posing like brothers whose mother made them go down to the JC Penny Portrait Studio and take back-to-school pics.
Long gone are the Sister Wives all talking up the benefits of plural marriage in the credits. No one is even bothering to pretend that “it just makes all of us better” or that they “wouldn’t want anything else.”
Christine starts telling us that, months before, Kody told her that he wasn’t attracted to her. In a clip, Kody doesn’t deny that he doesn’t like Christine, but he tries to convince us that a “romance-free marriage” is a new trend. Christine ain’t buying it.
Kody tells us that it was COVID— and certainly not Robyn– that caused the family to dissolve. Robyn says it’s been very hard on Kody, which, in turn, makes him very hard to live with.
Naturally, Kody retreats to the only wife who doesn’t currently have his picture up on their dartboard: Robyn. He wants to discuss the “Christine situation” with her and find out what
she tells him she thinks he should do.
Much to Kody’s dismay, Robyn doesn’t bash Christine. (I would have loved to hear her tell Kody she ‘never liked that biotch anyway.’) Instead, she dares to suggest that King Kody sleep on Christine’s couch and try to work things out with her.
Robyn suggests that Kody take residence on Christine’s couch until she’s so tired of looking at his face that she eventually lets him sleep platonically in her bed again…or something.
Kody’s positively offended!
“Why does a GUY have to sleep on the couch? It’s his room, too!” he barks.
“It’s the walk of shame! I’m not gonna do it!” he adds.
Robyn clearly thinks that Christine won’t be able to last without a grunt from Kody every now and then. She tells Kody that Christine is probably just trying to see if he’ll actually do what she asks.
Kody continues to pout like a toddler who’s been denied a cookie.
“I’m NOT sleeping on the couch!” Kody mutters.
Meanwhile, Janelle is at her house, enjoying some Kody-free time. Unfortunately, she also has COVID, but, hey, I’d rather spend time with the Coronavirus than Kody Brown.
Kody heads to Christine’s house. Instead of being sad that Christine kicked him out, Kody is pissed and offended.
Christine tells us that Kody’s presence gives her anxiety. However, she agrees to meet with him to discuss their diaper-pal-of-a-marriage.
Things start out OK. They are being nice to each other— until Christine tells him that she made the decision to boot his crap out after he told her he didn’t want to have an “intimate marriage” with her anymore. That gets him in the ol’ pisser and he comes out swinging. He claims he never told Christine that he wouldn’t bang her occasionally. Christine insists otherwise, though.
“I never signed up for a marriage like that!” she insists, making it clear that she refuses to be “put on ice” (aka “Meri-Browned”) for the rest of her life by Kody.
Kody says that Christine had been telling people in the family that she wanted to get the hell outta Kody Land. He does make a point, however, when he says that Christine should have told him instead of everyone else.
“I’m not going to be fooling around with a woman who’s talking about leaving me!” he says.
Christine says that it was “one of the most-humiliating experiences” of her life when Kody told her he didn’t want to hump her anymore. She also says that she’s not down to get down with a man who doesn’t even care what happens in their marriage.
Christine surprises Kody when she reveals how serious she is about leaving.
“I think we both just need to be free of each other,” she says. “I’m just ready to be free. It’s been 10, 12 years of bad.”
Kody insists that things were just peachy when they were living in Lehi, Utah, at the beginning of the show. Christine reminds them that he never helped her (not to mention began canoodling Robyn while Christine was pregnant). Christine tells us that, in addition to being pregnant and taking care of a whole bushel of kids belonging to her and Janelle, she also had to get a night job.
That left Christine’s oldest child, Aspyn, to tuck the other kids into bed at night, despite only being 10 years old. She says when she asked Kody to come help put their kids to bed at night, he refused, saying he had to be with other wives. Kody insists it was just Christine trying to get more than her share of The Kodster.
I mean…who wouldn’t, right?! Ever moment with him is surely a treasure!
Kody insists that Christine was always talkin’ crap on the sister wives while they were living in Lehi. Christine admits that she’s not very close to Robyn (probably because any time Christine gets within a five-foot radius to Robyn, Robyn shoots her in the face with anti-bacterial cleanser). She also says she’s not that close to Meri. While she is close to Janelle, Christine says that she does (or did, back when she actually liked Kody) get jealous.
Christine said it became even harder to be nice to the women Kody was actually showing interest in (so, um…Robyn), after her and Kody’s marriage started to crumble.
Kody mutters that he was SO around Christine’s house a lot before COVID. Christine asks him to tell her how many full days he’s spent with her and their kids in the 800 or so days they’ve lived in Flagstaff. Kody is silent because he knows damn well he’s been boot-scootin’ his ass over to Robyn’s place the second he could escape Christine’s house.
Christine helps him out by telling us that the answer is three. Three days. Out of 800.
Kody insists that he’s been there for “full days regularly” and that if he left it was due to him having to work.
“When people have things to do, they leave the house,” he says.
Kody tells the camera he doesn’t have time to “play” like Christine does, and that he wonders what
does the nanny do does Christine do all day.
“It’s certainly not cooking and cleaning,” he says.
OH NO YOU DID NOT! NO, YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE, KODY BROWN! NO!
Christine reminds Kody that he said he doesn’t want to pound it out with her anymore, so there’s no sense in him holding on to their marriage. Kody tells her it’s not his fault he’s “turned off by her behavior.”
Christine says that Kody needs to just tell her that he doesn’t want to be married to her, instead of freezing her out (a la Meri) and putting her cold, frigid loins back “in the trees,” never to be heard from again, except if King Solomon or Queen Ari request her presence at Thanksgiving.
“It is cowardly! Man the f**k up!” Christine says.
Kody then turns the convo to the one thing that really matters to him: money.
“I bought this house, I bought this bed. This is my place too!” he insists.
She tells Kody that being married to him has been “heartache and pain,” and that she really did try for a long time to be the wife that Kody wanted.
Kody says the one thing Christine didn’t do is treat her sister wives with “kindness and respect.”
Soooo…basically Christine didn’t suck up to Robyn enough. We know she gets along well with Janelle, and that Kody could give two rats’ toots about Meri, so, again, it all comes down to Robyn.
Kody admits that Christine was “great at being willing to mother Janelle’s kids” (um..?) but that she “was never willing to mother Robyn’s kids.”
Christine “mothered” Janelle’s kids because that was her place in the family, so that Janelle could work. Robyn doesn’t work. Robyn has a nanny to care for King Solomon and Queen Ari so Robyn is free to breakdance or…do whatever the hell it is that she does.
“The reason I’m not attracted to her is that she’s not being loyal,” Kody says of Christine. “I feel betrayed.”
Kody then tells her that they married “under circumstances that were not romantic.” Christine corrects him, telling him that they were “romantic” for her. (Well…he still managed to squirt out six kids with her so there had to be at least a little attraction there.)
Kody says they got married because he felt that they were “following through with a destiny.” (So basically, God told him to marry Christine and to “shake the sheets” with her every two years or so until they had enough offspring so that it looked like he liked her. Or something, I have no clue…)
Kody says that, despite him not really liking Christine, he married her anyway and things became “wonderful.”
“I fell in love with you because I thought you treated people great, and then you started treating people badly,” Kody said. (Go ahead and sub that second “people” for “Robyn.”)
Christine is absolutely done. She’s like, “he made me have to fit all these criteria for him to be attracted to me. Can I just say that it’s over?”
“I can probably count on my hand how many times he’s told me I was beautiful and I don’t think that has anything to do with my sister wives,” she tells us.
Kody is still not getting it. He asks her if she actually views their marriage as “completely unsalvageable.”
Christine’s like, “Bro, take the freaking hint. You’re thicker than the Lularoe leggings Meri’s selling.”
“Oh, it’s over! Why would you think differently?” she replies to a stunned Kody.
Once he realizes Christine didn’t come to play, he admits he wasn’t attracted to her when he married her, and that he felt “pressured” into the marriage.
Christine looks like she knew it all along, but it still feels horrible to hear him say it aloud.
Christine tells us that— just to clarify— their church doesn’t do arranged marriages, so she has no clue why Kody felt pressured into marrying her. (Maybe Meri was standing there with a glue gun threatening to glue his lips together if he didn’t bring more women into the family so she didn’t have to spend so much time with him?)
Kody say that, eventually, things were good between them. Christine agrees that their marriage was great for years.
“Then why is it so easy to get rid of it?” Kody asks.
Christine says that the last decade has been full of sadness and heartbreak…not to mention her having to watch her “husband” slobber all over his favorite wife Robyn right in front of her. When Christine expresses this, Kody just grunts in anger.
Kody then says it’s “irresponsible” for Christine to want to leave him, because of their “kids.”
To recap: Kody and Christine have six kids. All of those “kids” are adults and living on their own except for the youngest, Truely.
Care to try again, Kodster?
It’s weird because we’re watching Kody try to guilt Christine into staying with him, even though we all know Kody doesn’t actually want her to stay with him. But for some reason he has to pretend like he does. But he is genuinely surprised that Christine has already made up her mind to leave him, and that none of his little games are working on her.
“I’m angry and I feel pathetic,” he says.
Well…yeah…so it’s business as usual.
Kody insists that they have “love and intimacy” in their relationship and Christine slaps right back and tells him that “a couple of times a year” doesn’t work for a marriage.
Christine says she was interested in an “intimate marriage.”
“You are?” Kody asks hopefully.
“Was, Kody,” Christine says.
Kody says the “problem” was that Christine never got over her jealousy. (We can assume he means her jealousy of Robyn coming into the family and becoming Queen of the Sister Wives/Kody’s loins.)
By now, Christine is just livid.
“You are an a**hole! To think that my value as a human being is contingent on how you feel I’m treating other people!” Christine tells the camera.
Finally, Christine just says what we’ve all been thinking for years: that Kody’s pissed that she’s not properly bowing down to Robyn, who is ultimately “the women he loves.”
“I think he has a favorite wife,” Christine declares.
Well…that’s the understatement of the century, ain’t it?
Finally Christine just asks Kody point-blank if he wants to be married to her. Naturally, Kody’s a coward and doesn’t want to risk rejection so he turns it around and asks her if she wants to be married to him.
She is straight-up with him, telling him, “No, I don’t want to be married to you.”
Kody actually looks relieved.
“I’m good with that. Nobody’s a prisoner here,” he tells her.
Christine then tells Kody that them ending their marriage doesn’t mean that she will just sit in her home in Flagstaff and not bother Kody for attention anymore. She informs him that she plans to move to Utah, where there are people who actually like her. Kody is shocked.
Kody— who hasn’t made any effort in years to parent any kid who wasn’t sprung from Robyn’s hoo-ha— is suddenly upset that Truely will be moving away with Christine. Kody tells Christine that, even if they’re not “lovers” (haha, good one) anymore, she still needs to live near him so they can “parent” Truely together.
He then tells Christine the “poison” in the relationship is the fact that she wanted something more than she was getting from Kody.
Um…yeah. That’s why she’s leaving your ass, bro. Try to follow along.
Kody insists that he doesn’t show favoritism among his wives. He starts naming them off but gets stuck when he tries to think of Janelle’s name. (No, seriously.)
Christine tells Kody it’s not possible for her to stay in Flagstaff. Kody— this blob of awfulness– tells Christine that she should “grow up and do it” because that’s what “adults” do.
“You get married to somebody else, you could bring them here and they can become part of the family,” Kody says angrily. “You don’t break up the family with what you’re trying to do! If you’re a grown-up, grown-ups do that!”
WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K!?
Christine somehow manages remain calm. (This man would have been pulling my Press-On Nails out of his eye sockets if I were Christine!) She asks Kody, “You expect me to stay here?”
Kody continues to be awful, gas-lighting Christine and telling her that she needs to make it work for the “kids” and that she’s being selfish for trying to leave him and have a decent life for herself. (This woman raised like 20 of his kids– it’s her time to live a little without having to check in with the Sobfather, Robyn, every time she wants to do something.)
Kody tells her that the idea of her moving “doesn’t work for me.”
Christine reminds Kody that
her children their children pretty much all live in Utah now. He doesn’t respond (maybe he didn’t recognize their names?), but then starts blabbering about COVID again and how Christine, Janelle and THEIR kids didn’t follow his rules.
Christine tells him that COVID taught her that she could do things alone and that she didn’t need him (or his rules, or his cornucopia of wives) after all. Kody is so mad and that creepy vein in his forehead is positively bulging. He asks Christine if her leaving means that the family is “no more.”
Christine basically tells him that he and his Clorox Crew treated her and her kids like lepers during COVID and that they don’t even feel like they’re in the family anyway.
Christine tells him that he wasn’t with her for years (even before COVID) and Kody continues to talk to her like a 10-year-old child who got in trouble and Christine looks like she wants to beat him over the head with the Lularoe trophy she has sitting on the shelf nearby.
Kody insists he only neglected the family members who broke his rules.
Kody then tells Christine he’s afraid she will go to Utah with Truely and Christine will “get a boyfriend who wants some of our money.” (And by “our” we can assume he means his and Robyn’s.)
Kody says that Christine, her non-existent boyfriend and the polygamy-hating state of Utah will cause him to lose access to Truely and, most-importantly, all his money.
Hearing all this has made Christine even more sure of her decision to leave this wild-wigged warthog behind and go live her best life in Utah.
Kody then pulls out his “Hail Mary”…er “Meri,” if you will. He tells Christine that, as awful as her marriage to him has been, his marriage to Meri has been way worse.
“You and me have had way more romance than me and Meri have in the last five years,” Kody says.
Um…that’s like saying Jeffrey Dahmer was a swell guy because he killed less people than Ted Bundy.
Christine says she’s done watching Kody be a devoted dad and husband while at Robyn’s house. She tells us it’s obvious that Robyn’s more important to Kody than any of the rest of the sister wives, especially her.
“I’ve been the third wheel for years now and I know it, and everybody knows it,” she says.
I think the most-devastating line of this whole episode comes at the end when Christine asks Kody why he would want her to stay.
“Because I’m supposed to,” he tells her.
Girl, get your kid, get your boxes and get the hell out of KodyLand.
Finally, Kody sees what Christine’s been saying all along: that they can’t force themselves to love each other, or even pretend that they love each other for the cameras.
That’s all for this episode of ‘Sister Wives!’ To catch up on more ‘Sister Wives’ news, click here!