The Ashley is well-aware that this recap is more outdated than Kody’s man visor, but she is trying to catch up on her Sister Wives recaps, so here we are with a recap of last week’s recap.
We start of this episode, it appears to be a few months after Christine told Kody she was kicking him, his toxic personality and his poodle perm out of her damn life!
Kody tells us that he feels very “separated” from his family— from Janelle and even Robyn and the kids. (He doesn’t even mention Meri, who has been chillin’ solo in her belltower like Quasimodo since Obama was President.)
Unfortunately, there’s not much time for “poor Kody” footage to air because Janelle went and bought herself a trailer longer than a list of Kody’s bad traits. Kody complains about how he has to somehow get this beast over to Coyote Pass so Janelle can live in it.
They recently bought a new truck (that, unlike Kody’s “wussy” truck can pull the trailer), so Kody begrudgingly goes over to Janelle’s house to discuss the process of getting the trailer home.
Meanwhile, Robyn has drawn her eyebrows on to look very judgmental today because she’s making it clear that she is not happy that Janelle purchased this trailer and truck without
her Kody’s permission.
To be fair, the Browns have literally rented just about every house in the Southwestern United States, yet they had to buy a whole truck just to pull a trailer? WTF?
Robyn tells us she’s heard “funny stories” about how Janelle sucks at driving big vehicles and whatnot. What a laugh riot.
Kody tells us that the truck they bought to haul actually used to belong to his late brother, so that gives us an idea of why Kody wanted to buy it. He still manages to complain, though, telling Janelle he doesn’t like to have “equipment” that he doesn’t use.
Janelle tells Kody that she, too, loves that truck and offers to drive it so that it can get some use after it pulls the RV.
“I don’t want to wear out this truck on a soccer mom, OK?” Kody snaps.
OH NO HE DID NOT!
If I were Janelle, I would have slapped him until my hand hurt for that remark, then slapped him for making it hurt!
Sadly, though, Janelle just tells him to stop complaining and doesn’t address the fact that his comment to her was totally unnecessary and just mean.
Janelle tells us that it is currently May 2021 and that she’s moving in one month. She hopes to start building her house on Coyote Pass by winter.
(Um…isn’t Kody going to be freezing off whatever balls Robyn hasn’t taken from him if he’s living out there in icy temperatures? There’s no way he lasts even one autumn night in the trailer with Janelle. After all, the only thing more “wussy” than Kody’s truck is Kody himself.
“I don’t see Kody doing well in this fifth wheel,'” Robyn tells us of the trailer.
The Sister Wives all know that Kody’s going to see the slightest bit of frost on the end of his Top Ramen curls and go crying back to Robyn’s warm mansion (and gentleman greeter). But, they don’t want to discourage Janelle so they try to be positive about her idea.
Christine does mention that Kody will have nowhere to put his crap now because Janelle is basically living in an outhouse, and Christine already kicked his stuff out of her house, and of course, he doesn’t want to keep anything in Meri’s belltower because then she may take that as a sign that he wants to start banging her (or at least talking to her) again. So it’s off to Robyn’s mansion for all of Kody’s hair gels and assorted man-visors.
Kody is making it no secret that he’s not looking forward to bunking up in a tiny trailer in the middle of nowhere with “Number 2” and their daughter Savannah. But he knows the Polygamy Gods will revoke his Heaven Pass if he doesn’t do it.
Janelle says this is “typical Kody” that he’s on-board with something one of “The Others” proposes then he goes away for a few days and comes back with a list of issues. (Gee, I wonder where he is going when he “goes away” and who is “helping” him come up with those issues?)
Kody wants Janelle to “ask her Sister Wives” if she can put her trailer on the land but Janelle doesn’t understand why this has to involve Robyn and the Others.
And, of course, Meri has to object to Janelle’s plan…even though Meri couldn’t give a flying fig about Coyote Pass…or Janelle. Meri says that maybe she won’t want a RV pad out there in a random spot.
What the actual f**k, Meri?! You can put your outdoor wetbar in another location.
Kody tells us that, of course, this is Janelle’s fault because she doesn’t act like a woman who is married.
“We do things separate,” Kody tells us.
Kody says that Janelle should have asked her Sister Wives if she could park her RV on ‘their’ property. (Why doesn’t she just park it on her property? Oh, yeah, because Kody can’t make up his mind on where to draw the property lines on this wretched land.)
Janelle is just over it. OVER.IT. She says they’ve been “talking about” the property for three years now and no one has done anything with it except set their Lysoled lawn chairs out on it on occasion to film a scene for the show. She wants Kody and the Sister Wives to finally get moving and do what they said they were going to do three years ago.
She says she doesn’t give a hoot what the other Browns do with their plots of lands because she’s ready to build on hers.
Janelle reminds us that, again, no one cares that she and her teen daughter are going to be homeless in six weeks unless they make this RV situation work, as there are no rentals available. Meri reminds us that she and the rest of these knuckleheads have still not used their TLC paychecks to pay this stupid property off so they can build on it.
“I think it’s time the family prioritizes paying off the property,” Janelle tells us.
Later, Meri heads to her bed and breakfast in Utah, where she tells us she’s trying to figure out how to run it, now that her mother has passed away. Meri’s mom had been running the inn and now Meri is stumped as to how she will continue to run the business in Utah while living in Flagstaff, Arizona.
The ever-helpful Kody suggests to Meri that she just move up there and run the inn. Not only will that solve her staffing problem, but it will also put about 300 miles between him and Meri (and her cobwebbed loins). Kody was probably so proud of himself for coming up with that plan.
Of course, Meri thinks Kody is trying to get her away from him. (Um…ya think?!) Robyn defends The Curled One’s actions, stating that Kody wasn’t trying to be insensitive and this was probably just him “thinking out loud.”
Meri then gets all high and mighty, stating that she was here at the beginning and that she helped start this family.
Um, Mer? I’m not sure that’s something I’d be bragging about if I were you.
Meri reminds us that, at one time, Kody actually loved her and wasn’t trying to pawn her off on the State of Utah. Meri says that Kody’s not going to get rid of her that easily!
Kody tells us that he wasn’t trying to be mean by suggesting Meri move, but he says he barely sees the lady now so who cares if she’s living in her Flagstaff or in Utah? He will ignore her no matter where she is.
Meri assures us that she’s not going anywhere and is determined to try to save this “family.”
Back in Flagstaff, Kody and Janelle are going to look at “their” RV. It’s Janelle’s birthday, so Kody is considering this RV (and I guess his presence?) to be Janelle’s birthday present.
Janelle then makes it clear that she bought the RV herself and that The Curled One had nothing to do with the purchase whatsoever.
They arrive at the trailer, and Janelle tells us that the trailer is “massive” while Kody calls it “small.” (Usually it’s the other way around, eh, Kod?)
Kody tells us that, despite Christine peacing out, he still plans to build five homes on Coyote Pass (someday…) He wants one house for each wife, and two houses to use as rentals. (I guess he’s given up his dream of owning his “Papa Polygamy Pad?”)
He says that the rentals will help them survive their retirement.
Kody keeps saying that his life is in limbo because Christine’s leaving and he doesn’t “know what that looks like.”
Um…it looks like her throwing her crap into her car and leaving so fast that the brakes squeal and dust comes up, bro.
He says he’s still in the “anger phase” of the divorce and is happy to have this Coyote Pass project to distract him.
Later, the entire family is going to Christine’s house to throw Ysabel a graduation/18th birthday party. (Surely, Robyn will have every family member blasted with bleach before they are allowed to go near her or her offspring.)
Christine’s busy setting up the party when Kody calls out Ysabel out of the blue (he must have wrestled his phonebook out of Robyn’s claws somehow). He wants her to come hang out with him, even though Christine needs Ysabel’s help with the party set-up.
Christine’s gnawing on her arm to keep herself from torching Kody on-camera. She says that it “might” have been more helpful had Kody called to ask if he could help with the party, “you know, because she’s his daughter.”
Christine is excited because they’ll actually be allowed to “touch people” at this gathering, thanks to everyone being COVID tested or vaccinated. (My money is still on Robyn bringing a fire extinguisher full of anti-bacterial soap that she just casually sprays on people when they’re not looking.)
Christine says that she wanted to have this big party because she knows this is probably that last time they’ll all have to play “happy family” before she hauls ass out of Flagstaff.
Robyn tells us that she went ahead and told all her kids that Christine was
abandoning the happy family and kidnapping Truely to Utah leaving, even though Christine hasn’t even told her youngest Truely yet.
WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K MA’AM?! Once again Robyn has overstepped the boundaries and done whatever she could to make things harder.
She says that her older kids DaytonAuroraBrianna are sad and confused, while the younger two are “so sad.”
Speaking of Robyn’s spawn, Kody hauls King Sol and Queen Ari over to their older siblings and makes a big thing about announcing each older kid’s name. (Anyone else think he did this because Ari and Sol have no clue what their siblings’ names are and Kody didn’t want that to be obvious on camera?)
Robyn’s kids seem insanely thrilled to be at the party. Honestly, they look like hostages that were just set free and handed a cupcake. (I mean…they kind of are…)
Ysabel actually has to come up to Robyn to ask for a hug. Robyn seems incredibly uncomfortable with all the Sister Wives and germy kids running loose.
Ysabel tells us later that she saw her parents’ divorce coming. Mykelti says she’s happy that Christine and Kody finally threw in the towel on their miserable marriage. (She says this in an interview in which her husband Tony is seated next to her, looking like some sort of Fraggle.)
At the party, Kody reflects on how many of his adult kids hate him…as you do. He tells us this has made him lonely and bitter at the entire family.
Christine prepares the birthday cake for 18-year-old Ysabel. She talks about how Ysabel, now 18, can travel and go live her life…as an 18-year-old.
Here comes Kody, though, asking her if she is turning “sweet 17.”
THIS DINGALING DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HIS DAUGHTER’S AGE WHEN IT’S PUT RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM.
I swear, the only thing Kody Brown is worse at than being a husband is being a father to adult children.
The Happy Family Day is about to become even more of a trainwreck because now these people are adding music to their awkwardness. Aurora is going to play the guitar and–Jesus God!– CHRISTINE IS GOING TO SING a song to Ysabel.
Did we not suffer enough when we had to endure the “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” nightmare during Mykelti’s wedding? I still shiver whenever I hear anyone call anyone “sweetheart” because it reminds me of Christine’s screeching.
Anyway, after Christine sings, everyone is going to sing. (I’d imagine Robyn won’t be singing because, naturally, she will be breakdancing in the corner during this time.)
The music starts playing and Christine grabs the mic. DEAR GOD.
She begins singing the theme song to The Hills for some reason and everyone starts crying. I’m assuming that’s because their ears are all bleeding but who knows?
To be honest, it does warm my cold heart to see the whole family actually trying to do something nice for one of the adult kids, who have been the true victims in this mess that Kody has created. It was nice to see one of the older kids getting some attention.
The party goes well and everyone has fun, which causes some of the adults to wonder why Christine would want to leave. After all, it’s quite a hoot over there….other than the fact that one wife is in exile, another is about to be homeless and the third hasn’t had a pickle tickle for a decade. But you know, other than that…
“How does this not work for everybody?” Robyn asks.
Even Meri (who is probably just happy to be invited to something with actual humans) wonders why Christine can’t force herself to stay in a miserable marriage for the sake of the family.
Christine says that Kody’s sad because he’s realizing that he missed out on most of his daughter’s life and now it’s too late to get to know her.
He tells us he’s now starting to wish Christine wasn’t divorcing him and that Ysabel wasn’t leaving.
“It’s a weird thing to be getting left,” he tells us. “The message that we had to the world about functional polygamy seems so dysfunctional now.”
Well that’s the understatement of the century…
That’s all for this episode of ‘Sister Wives’! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here!