Note From The Ashley: I realize that I am still disturbingly behind on my ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ recaps. I will be recapping this week’s episode too, but I couldn’t skip “The One Where Everyone Tries To Box” so I am doing recaps of Ep 3 and 4.
The time has come! It’s the episode
everyone dozens of people have been waiting for— the one where these trashgoblins exchange cuss words and body fluids (in a non-Oopsie Baby-making way, though). Grannies will be duking it out, girls will be swinging from the light fixtures— what a time to be alive!
This episode kicks (pun intended) off where Episode 2 left off– with Tea asking Roxanne what her damn problem is. Well, we know the shoe’s about to hit the fan because Roxy’s eyes bug out and she’s rubbing her hands together like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons.
From the looks of it, Ashley must have done something really bad to Roxy/Briana. I’m figuring that Ashley killed whatever man the DeJesus Coven has been keeping as their pet or taken Briana’s VIP spot on Dr. Miami‘s hack list or something.
But no. Roxy tells us we’re fighting over Ashley going on Instagram Live and talking crap on Briana while Briana was talking crap on Kail. Or something. I don’t know.
We get to see a clip of what Ashley said about Briana online. (Seriously, this entire show is basically just clips of things the girls post on Instagram all strung together with some cuss words added in.
The Ashley does have to give Ashley kudos for one thing she told Bri, though, when she was encouraging Briana to stand behind what she says.
“Say it with your chest. Say it with your implants and mean it!” she demanded.
Roxy tells us that Ashley’s mom Tea jumped in and “ran her mouth on social media” when Ashley said that.
Roxanne declares them to be “toxic” (which is rich coming from Toxy Roxy, who is basically the human equivalent of carbon monoxide poisoning).
She then tells Tea that she should be ashamed of Ashley for talking to her the way she has. (We then see more social media clips of Ashley ranting about Roxanne on Instagram. Honestly, I’d take Amber screaming in her kimono any day over this crap. She’s the true Queen of the Instagram Rants.)
Meanwhile, everyone else at the table is just sitting there, looking like they’re not sure if they should run and put on a helmet and protective cup or go get popcorn and a camera and capture the Kodak moment!
Tea and Ashley let Roxanne screech her piece, but when Tea tries to respond, Roxy cuts her off and that begins the Mother/Daughter screamfest. These yokels are getting in each other’s faces, screaming and cussing and causing a ruckus. (The poor security guards jump into action, attempting to pull everyone away from each other.)
Tea and Roxy are both screaming, accusing each other of being old and of being trash.
OK, you’re both old and dumb as hell for worrying about this crap. Just enjoy the free MTV-funded vacation and collect your check. WHY DOES ANY OF THESE STUFF MATTER!?
Thank the Jesus God Leah for Margaret, who gives it to us straight as she watches this clownfest unfold in front of her.
“I don’t even know how people can do that at this age,” she tells us. “I have a bad knee!”
Tea insists that she doesn’t involve herself in this kiddy nonsense…as she involves herself in this kiddy nonsense. She vows to “come for” Roxy’s “Grandmama ass.”
As this is all going down, poor April wails that “everyone is supposed to get along!”
Briana tells Roxy that it’s not worth the hubbub, but Roxy disagrees. (Why do I feel like Producer Larry has UPS on the phone, trying to find out how much it would cost to airmail Brittany to Oregon overnight so that she can join this charade.)
Roxanne begins wailing that she’s tired of the “bullying” and tired of poor, innocent Briana getting “harassed on social media all the time.”
The grannies are taking sides. April is clearly siding with Tea. She’s flipping off Roxy and sticking her tongue out at her (as you do), and shouting loudly. (I can seriously smell her ciggie breath through the TV.)
Cheyenne is puzzled as to when April became Tea’s “ride or die.” Catelynn is, as per usual, mortified by her mom’s behavior, which she believes is the result of the gallon or so of brand-name liquor that April has glugged down since they got there.
All of a sudden, Kiaya and Tiffany hop into the ruckus, bringing up a time where Ashley and Kiaya were scrapping on The Interwebs and Tea jumped in.
So to sum it up: everyone’s screaming at everyone. And April’s drunk. Catelynn looks like she’s regretting letting everyone think that she was the one who put this Stooge Fiesta together.
Ashley insists that she never had an issue with Kiaya, and Kiaya disagrees. Ashley refuses to admit that she crap-talked about Kiaya online, even though she clearly crap-talked about Kiaya online.
“When I said it wasn’t about you, it was not about you,” Ashley tells her.
(Narrator: It absolutely was about Kiaya.)
UGH. Can we just get to the spitting and throat karate-chopping and whatnot. This is embarrassing. And nobody cares.
Kiaya is making a lot of sense and Ashley isn’t liking that. Meanwhile, Roxanne is inside the house, basically gnawing on a stick to keep herself from charging outside and attacking Tea and Ashley like a rabid dog.
Roxanne is also getting tired of April spraying negativity (and beer) at her. She “suggests” that someone snatch up April’s booze.
There is some progress being made between Tiffany and Tea, though. Tea apologizes to Kiaya for calling her a clown online. Kiaya accepts it, but tells us later that she knows Tea doesn’t mean it.
Inside, Roxanne is just screeching random words at Tea. Outside, Amber pipes up and asks why they’re all on social media talking about each other anyway.
UMMM!?!?!?!? Well if that’s not the couch calling the recliner comfy. Allow me to remind you of this lil’ piece of heaven, courtesy of Amber.
Amber insists that all of the ‘Teen Mom’ stars haven’t gotten into fights with each other. Kiaya reminds Amber of the time she charged on-stage like a bull in heat to try to slap the Botox out of Farrah, but Amber insists that “Farrah is not Ashley.”
Kiaya looks like she’s just entered the Twilight Zone, hearing Amber— Queen of the Televised Whoop Ass— talk about how dumb it is to fight with people you’re on a TV show with.
Ashley decides she’s done listening to Amber yap, so she goes inside the house. Kiaya, meanwhile, continues to remind the ‘OG’ girls that they’ve been arguing over dumb crap on the Internet with each other since Kiaya and Ashley were eating Gogurts out of their Barbie lunchboxes.
Amber is trying to be helpful (and she’s not wrong saying that all of this drama doesn’t matter and is immature), but it’s pissing the other girls off.
Kiaya gets up and emotionally runs in the house, leaving Amber confused.
Surprisingly, it’s Ashley who comforts Kiaya (?!?!) and they congratulate each other on being so mature (?!?!). They tell each other that it’s something to be praised if a conversation doesn’t end up in flipped over furniture.
Tiffany tries to tell Amber not to take Kiaya’s outburst personally, because, in fact Kiaya looks up to Amber so much.
OK, guys. We actually are in the Twilight Zone. That’s truly the only explanation at this point.
There are so many fights and “conversations” happening and they keep jumping around to everyone to hear them complain about everyone else. Personally, I’d rather check in with April and her tall cans. Also…what’s Christy been up to this whole time? These are things I’d like to know.
I do not care if Kiaya has beef with Ashley who has beef with Briana who is mad at Tea. Let’s just follow Christy around and see what hijinks she’s getting up to because you know there are hijinks.
Later, April slurs her way over to Roxanne and apologizes for flipping her off through the window. April explains that she “didn’t know” it was Roxanne who she was flipping of.
(Um…who did she think it was? Butch in a blonde curly wig or…?)
April is slobbering all over Roxy and Roxanne is desperately trying to get away from April (and her booze breath) but to no avail. Seriously Roxanne looks like she’s rather be shaving Christy’s “cooter cat” than be within five feet of April.
Meanwhile, those in the house who aren’t part of the fighting are trying to lighten the mood by playing a game.
April, however, decides that it’s time to crack open another one of those brand-name bruskis and wanders outside to get it. There she finds Producer Larry, who looks very uncomfortable and is grimacing. He’s either got a case of the poops…or he’s just been tasked with cutting April off from the booze.
Larry informs “everyone” (but basically just April) that they’re “done with the alcohol for tonight.”
April does not like that. She immediately declares that she wants to go home (back to where she certainly has a white Styrofoam cooler full of Natty Ices just waiting for her).
April charges into the kitchen to let everyone know that she’s been cut off.
April is absolutely furious. There are two things you don’t do to April: disagree with her choice of prom dress or take away her booze.
She is cussing, pounding on the counter and demanding that she be given back her “f**king drink!”
As per usual, Catelynn is absolutely mortified by her mother’s behavior. Catelynn tries to get April to shut her trap (given that April is literally screaming and cussing out Cate’s employer…and, yes, I use that word looser than Farrah’s morals, but still…)
April is still screaming about how everyone else still has their drinks except her, and Catelynn looks totally embarrassed. The other girls notice Cate’s expression and try to remedy the situation, but April can not be stopped. She is absolutely on a quest for that last can of beer. She is just continuously flipping off the camera to show her disgust.
As you do.
April is screaming at anyone who even suggests that she may have slightly overindulged. By now, poor Catelynn is literally crying and everyone feels bad for her.
Meanwhile, Larry is continuing to do the dirty work. He has Roxy and Bri outside, asking if they will be able to refrain from tearing Tea and Ashley’s faces off for the rest of the trip. The DeJesus girls assure him that they will.
(Narrator: They, in fact, would not).
Briana and Roxy go into the kitchen to hang out with Jade, who is making cinnamon rolls. All of a sudden, Ashley and Tea come in to make some food. (All that squabbling has given everyone the munchies!) A sly grin spreads across Roxanne’s face.
Tea bends over and “accidentally” booty bumps Roxanne. In turn, Roxanne walks past Tea and “accidentally” pushes into her. Tea demands an apology and Roxy pretends she has no idea what Tea’s talking about…but Roxanne was LITERALLY SMIRKING as she pushed into Tea. She tells us that Tea is just being dramatic.
WE ALL SEE THIS, ROXY. I am not on either side of this jester jamboree, but WE ALL SEE THIS LOOK.
They keep showing the “bump” over and over again (even in slow mo!) and it’s clear that Roxy intentionally body checked Tea. Suddenly, a bodyguard just appears between Tea and Roxanne because he— and everyone else— knows it’s about to go down.
At first, Bri and Ashley are trying to calm down the screaming grannies. Tea tells Briana that she doesn’t want to talk to her, because she’s the daughter and she wants to “respect” that. Of course, that sets off ol’ Roxy, who starts screeching that Tea had no respect for Briana when she was throwing jabs on The Interwebs awhile back.
Jesus God Leah. Can someone please just hit somebody so this horrific episode can be over?
Roxanne is still insisting that she didn’t bump Tea, and Ashley springs into action, insisting that Roxy did bump Tea. She calls Roxy a bitch, and that’s when Briana gets off her Dr. Miami-carved booty and jumps into the fight. She stands up on the kitchen counter and seems to be planning to karate-chop Ashley into next week. Amber tries to get Briana to get off the counter.
Briana declares (as she is surrounded by security guards she actually hasn’t dated— yet) that she is up there because it will enable her to have a better angle to kick Ashley in the “f**king throat” easier.
Ashley calls Bri out, declaring that she is only up there because she knows she can’t fight.
Come to think of it: have we ever actually seen Briana fight? Sure, she’s started a lot of ruckus, but have we ever actually seen her throw a punch? Or a kick? I think the only thing we’ve ever seen her fight is chlamydia.
Ashley declares Bri to be trash and Briana busts out her trusty trademark phrase, telling Ashley, “suck my d**k.”
Ashley decides to up the disgusting factor. She hocks a loogie at Briana, who gets it smack in the face. As the spit flies over the jumble of women, cameras and bulked-up booties, it’s quickly becoming a chaotic scene.
As soon as the loogie hits Bri, everyone just begins to tear into each other. Briana is basically crowd-surfing trying to kick Ashley’s throat, while Tea and Roxy try to charge at each other.
JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
(April is nowhere to be seen so we can assume she’s taking advantage of all the hubbub to go break into the bar and grab all the bottles of beer she can get her mitts on!)
Speaking of grabbing bottles, Tea picks up a wine bottle and starts swinging it.
Briana, who is being held in a football hold by one of the security men, grabs a giant metal Hydroflask and chucks it at Ashley. It misses, but everyone keeps picking up crap to throw at each other.
Finally, one of the producers gets the good sense to move the girls involved outside. However, no one goes out without a fight. Tea is trying to get her claws into Roxy, as Roxy is throwing water at Tea, declaring she is trying to cleanse her of her demons.
Seriously. There has to be something better we can spend our time watching, no?
Kiaya tells us that she can’t believe everyone is trying to murder everyone and it’s only Day 2.
Poor long-suffering Larry is back, and he has to drag these angry wenches out of the house. Of course, Briana has to get back up on the counter and swing herself from the kitchen chandelier before leaving…as you do.
Tea invites Briana to “come get these hands.”
All of a sudden, Jade comes out of nowhere and starts screaming at Tea that she’s too old to be acting this way. (I honestly think Jade was angry because she didn’t get to make her cinnamon rolls. She wanted that snack!)
Tea declares that, yes, she’s old, but that she still looks better than Bri and Jade.
They finally wrangle everyone apart and Ashley and Tea (and her trusty new sidekick April) go outside, where Ashley explains that she had to spit on Bri because Bri is a “dirty ass ho.”
Cate and Maci go out to try smooth things over with Tea and Ashley. Catelynn decides to go ahead and tell us all that Ashley is with child. That’s right— not only is Ashley screamin’ and spittin’ and scratchin’ but she’s also sperminated.
JESUS GOD LEAH!
Jade runs to tell Briana that she was trying to throat-kick a pregnant girl and Briana is shocked. Once word spreads around the house that Ashley is pregnant (thanks to Roxanne), all of the moms and grandmas seem to turn against her, stating that it was irresponsible and reckless to put an unborn child into that trash-heap of violence.
Speaking of trash heaps and violence, Ashley is still outside declaring that she plans to beat the beJesus out of Roxanne and Briana the next time she sees them. She does not yet know that her pregnancy secret is out of the bag inside the house.
Producer Larry gathers up all of the “ladies” (again, using that term very loosely) and tells them to try to keep from clawing each other’s eyes out for a few minutes while he runs and checks Craigslist for job openings…I mean, tries to get everything straightened out.
Briana tells us that she’s proud of herself for not letting things get “super escalated” with Ashley.
UM…girl, you were literally swinging from the light fixtures. Have a seat. (Literally, please sit.)
Larry decides to bring Ashley and Tea to a different hotel for the night. Ashley starts screaming that Larry should move Bri and Roxy. (To be fair, she’s right. They were all equally responsible, both mother/daughter pairs should be dropped off at separate trash dumps and be on their way.)
Larry explains that Ashley spitting on Briana was the reason she and Tea are getting the boot.
When Larry says the move is for Ashley and Tea’s “own safety,” Tea gets all fired up (again) and starts screaming at Larry.
Don’t these people get tired!? Seriously, I’m exhausted from just watching all this trashbaggery.
Finally, they leave and Larry goes in to tell Roxanne and Briana that they’re also being removed so that the producers can figure out
how to best capitalize on this dumpster fire what to do next.
That’s all for this episode!
To read The Ashley’s recaps of previous episodes, click here!