Well, here we are again…
It’s time to grab yer favorite bag of off-brand pork rinds, slap some strawberry Kool-Aid in your hair and “set down” for a spell to watch another episode of Mama June: Family Crisis!
When we last left off, Pumpkin was screaming at Mama June for being a general trashcan who always chose men over her kids. Mama tried to blame “the addictions and such” but Pumpkin was having none of it, reminding Mama that she was more than happy to sign over her rights to Alana so the dern government wouldn’t come a’grabbin’ all of her money for pesky things like child support.
When the new episode starts, we are right back into the fight, where Pumpkin is just verbally bitch-slapping Mama and throwing all of her hot garbage deeds back in her face. She also accuses Mama of only caring to fix her relationships with her kids because she wants their smiling mugs in her wedding photos.
Mama insists that this sudden desire to reconcile with her crotch goblins has nothing to do with her upcoming blinged-out beach wedding, but Pumpkin’s not buying it. She says that the whole lot of ’em can’t just “get over” the fact that Mama was happy to shovel Alana over the Pumpkin to raise– and pay for!
Mama is streaming tears, but Pumpkin tells her that none of the girls responded to the “I’m sorry…and stuff” text because of this.
Mama then gets angry, once she sees her crocodile tears won’t work. She tells Pumpkin she felt like she was getting “rail-roaded” when the child support amount was originally determined to be $2,000 a month. (Mama ended up agreeing to pay Pumpkin $800 month, in addition to occasionally paying for Alana’s claws to be done.)
Pumpkin says getting only $800 a month to raise Alana was a slap in the face. (Mama looks like she’s ready to give Pumpkin an actual slap in the face. She does not like being called out on her own trashbaggery, that’s for sure!) She insists that she’s been wanting to fix her relationships for a while, but Pumpkin reminds Mama that her “actions” don’t demonstrate that statement.
Pumpkin points out that Mama chose to move far from her daughters— to the abandoned Jazzercise studio in Alabama– because her meth-mouth-of-the-month husband, Justin, wasn’t allowed to leave the state. Pumpkin says she plans to march on out to the parking lot and inform Justin of what a diaper-pail of a woman he married.
Mama insists that she’s not asking any of her family members to forget what she’s done to them in the past. She is, however, asking them to think about forgiving her.
Mama insists that she doesn’t have a lot of money, but Pumpkin doesn’t believe her.
Before Pumpkin can pounce on Mama and maul her to death, Doe Doe takes June out of the room.
Once Mama’s safely away from the vultures, Pumpkin tells the gang she’s not surprised that Mama ruined what was once a good day.
Outside, Doe Doe is comforting a sobbing Mama June.
June seems genuinely shocked that her daughters weren’t thrilled that she chose to crash their event. Doe Doe tries to explain that, generally, when you try to foist your kid onto someone else so that you don’t have to support them financially anymore, it doesn’t go over well.
“You should have pitched this fit there!” Doe Doe tells June. “She wanted to know at the lawyer’s office that you were willing to fight!”
June just stands there with a dumb look on her face (although that may just be how her face looks?) She still doesn’t seem to understand the words that are coming out of Doe Doe’s white Chiclet-filled mouth.
June says that she thought she was doing the right thing by trying to unload Alana to Pumpkin. She claims that she’s never done “the court” for custody before and…you know…thinkings is hard, y’all!
Doe Doe said that June’s family is such a mess that a professional needs to try to fix things. She also advises June to stop defending herself and to let the girls yell at her.
“Just be quiet!” she says. (Honestly, everyone on this horrible show should take that advice. It’s only like 10 minutes in and my ears are already ringing.)
Mama tells us that she wishes Doe Doe would mind her own beeswax.
UMMM….Junebug? You do realize that if Doe Doe hadn’t pulled you away, Pumpkin would have torn you apart like the Great Value trashbag that you are?
Inside, Pumpkin declares that she’s going to go talk to Justin to get the truth.
She finds Justin’s car and hops right in. Justin looks startled. (He was probably just sitting there, playing with his new Lego set and minding his own business.)
Pumpkin tells Justin what June said that day in the “law-yer’s” office about wanting to sign over Alana so she didn’t have to pay child support. Justin says that he had no clue what went down, proving that, once again, Mama June has lied.
Pumpkin then proceeds to show Justin her phone, proving that Mama was lying when she claimed that she was calling her daughters. This makes Justin angry.
“I love your mama to death but she’s full of s**t sometimes, dude,” Justin says.
I think that’s nice…
Pumpkin makes it clear that she is not mad at Mama for anything having to do with her addiction. She is mad because Mama continues to act like a lying pile of sewage. Pumpkin asks Justin to tell Mama that she is mad about what Mama did in the “law-yer’s” office, and not anything else.
Justin agrees to try to explain everything to June, and Pumpkin advises him to take Mama and get the hell outta there before Josh gets back with his Hot ‘n’ Readys and sees Mama there.
Mama gets back in the car, and Justin tells her she has some ‘splaining to do! He confronts her about trying to sign away her rights to Alana, and June tries to plead stupidity again. Justin gets it, but June is still not letting it sink in why the girls won’t just forgive her, put on some Pepto-pink monstrosity of a dress and play “happy family” for her on her wedding day.
Justin said that June is not being honest with any of them.
Mama June is mad that everyone is mad at her now.
After they drive off, Josh comes back with a stack of pizzas and wants to know what the hell happened while he was gone.
The next day, Pumpkin has misplaced at least one of her youngins. (Don’t ya hate it when that happens?) Her and Alana sit there arguing for a while about who was supposed to be watching Youngin No. 3 (all while the kid is still missing, mind you).
Finally, Alana remembers that she put the wayward youngin in the crib for a nap.
Just then, Jessica and Sheyann arrive to watch Pumpkin’s litter while Pumpkin goes to meet Doe Doe to chat.
Over in Alabama, Justin and June are heading to meet Mama Dukes for a cake-tasting. After finding out he’s been lied to by June, Justin’s not really feeling up to doing “weddin’ stuff…and stuff” but the offer of free cake is too hard to pass up.
Justin said that he’s very hurt that June doesn’t even seem to care that he’s hurting.
June not caring about the feelings of those around her? Now I find that very hard to believe…
They meet up with Mama Dukes and head into the cake shop. June tells us that having an amazing cake (that’s paid for by WEtv, natch) is the most-important thing to her.
The cake shop lady brings out a plate full of samples for the group to try.
They all start shoveling the free cake into their gullets, and June is trying to act all lovey-dovey with Justin, but he’s not having it! Even sweet buttercream frosting can’t get him to act like he likes June right now.
June tells Mama Dukes that the “bling to the max” wedding dress that she wants is $8,000. (For those of you keeping track at home, that amounts to 10 months of child support for Alana.)
June argues that, because she’s on the TV and on The Interwebs, she needs the best of the best.
Justin continues to snub June, and Mama Dukes tries to pretend she doesn’t notice. (She probably figures the cake shop lady will take the free desserts away if she thinks June and Justin aren’t actually going to make it to their wedding.)
Finally it gets to the point where the tension can’t be ignored anymore.
Finally, June confesses how she busted into her daughters’ meet-and-greet like the Kool-Aid man and screamed at Pumpkin, causing Pumpkin to go out to the car to tell Justin why the girls are actually mad at June. Justin explains that he’s furious that June continues to lie to him and everybody else on the planet.
June is being a smug piece of garbage, as per usual, and tells Justin to “move the f**k on.”
“You’re mouth is overloading your butthole right now!” June tells her husband.
(I don’t know what that exactly means, but I vow to tell someone that one day! #Goals)
With that, Mama June scoops up whatever remaining cakes she can get her meathooks on and waddles out of the cake shop.
Back in Georgia, Pumpkin and the redheaded youngin meet up with Doe Doe to talk crap on Alana. Pumpkin says that her sister is too busy buying hair and bossing Dralin around to turn in her college applications.
Pumpkin is concerned that Alana always depends on Dralin to do everything…which is how Mama June has been with the assorted street urchins she’s dated over the years.
Speaking of Mama June, Pumpkin says that as long as Mama continues to act like a crapgoblin, she has no interest in reconciling with her.
In Alabama, June and Justin are driving home from the disastrous cake tasting and arguing. June declares that she’s also mad at Doe Doe for actually telling her why everyone hates her. June thinks that Doe Doe is trying to take over and act like she’s the girls’ mom.
Justin’s like, “Um…yeah OK, whatever you say…but she’s legit the only person who doesn’t want to throw you off a bridge right now.” He suggests that June take Doe Doe to lunch and try to bribe her with fried meat products to talk the girls into liking her again.
June agrees, but when she texts Doe Doe, she doesn’t really even ask if she can go to lunch, she just tells Doe Doe what time she needs to meet her.
The next day, June and Justin are waiting at the restaurant for Doe Doe to arrive. June is really hungry and keeps bitching about how late Doe Doe is, despite the fact that June isn’t on time for anything. (Hopefully a producer gave her a napkin to gnaw on or something…)
June says that she doesn’t actually care about mending her relationship with Doe Doe. She says she’s only going to pretend to be nice to Doe Doe because she needs to use her to get her daughters to like her again.
Doe Doe arrives and June doesn’t even say hello. She just demands Doe Doe figure out what fried meat product she’s going to order because June’s hungry and doesn’t want to wait.
Doe Doe soon realizes what’s up, and tells us she knows June plans to use her to get back into the girls’ good graces. She plans to play along– and milk June’s wallet for all the free food she can before telling her to kiss off!
June’s shoving food into her piehole as Doe Doe advises her to call her kids, and leave messages, even if they don’t want to talk to her. Doe Doe insists that she’s on June’s side, even if June is a steaming diaper pail of a person.
That’s it for this episode!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Mama June: Family Crisis’ recap, click here!