Bust out your sunscreen and battery operated devices–– it’s time for another episode of 90 Day: The Last Resort!
When we first check in with the romantically-challenged couples this week, we find Yara and Jovi in a private beach-side yoga class right as they’re getting out of child’s pose-– ironic, as their whole issue this resort is based on Yara not wanting to have another. (Child, that is.)
Yara says she’s still mad that Jovi spent the previous night getting his drink on with the MeeMaw of Madness– Angela— and equally pissed about the dynamic duo proceeding to bust into her room at 2 a.m. with a boombox; however, Yara says she’s trying to let it go and move on “peacefully.”
After the yoga instructor finishes the class, Jovi apologies to Yara for getting wild and wasted with Angela, but Yara tells him they need to talk about the baby situation, because they’re clearly not on the same page. Jovi then wants to know when they will be on the same page– aka, when will he be cleared to knock her up with another Jovi-spawn.
Yara tells him that there will be no Jovi Spawn shooting out of her baby cannon for a minimum of four years— if she even wants to have another kid. Jovi is cool with this plan, but less so when Yara tells him she’s staying on birth control until she’s ready for a second child and that’s that. (Insert slow clap for Yara and a “Yaaasss girl” here.)
Yara adds that she and Jovi need to focus more on fixing their current issues, not growing their family.
Later on, the couples gather for their daily group activity, where Therapist Petey asks each of the pairs to sit at one of the four tables in the room. Petey tells the group Angela won’t be joining them today, and everyone is super bummed about it. (Well, everyone except Yara, Liz, Kelly and Molly, that is.)
Petey then introduces a special guest for today’s activity: Reba, the “pleasure-positive sex educator.”
Before Reba gets the class started, Big Ed, being the big man-child he is, raises his hand and asks Reba where babies come from. His bad joke is met with groans by everyone except Kalani, who is pretty much enamored by any man who isn’t Asuelu, so that doesn’t really count.
As she tries to get the class back on track, Reba assures the group they won’t have to do anything embarrassing today, like putting cucumbers in their mouth, which is apparently something she makes her regular students do. Once again, Ed interrupts-– this time to point out the size of Jovi’s mouth– insisting that Jovi would have no problem completing an activity of that sort if asked to do so.
Reba— bless her heart for not picking Ed up and chucking him right the hell out of her classroom— hands out cards to the group and asks everyone to write down any sex-related questions or comments they want to share with the group anonymously. After a brief survey of the room, Reba discovers that more than half of the cast were never taught sex education in school. She says that’s ok, adding that there may be things the couples don’t know about themselves or their partners.
Naturally, Ed then interrupts the class again, this time to ask about circumcision, which only reminds the group that Ed stripped down the night before at the request of absolutely no one.
Reba finally gets to the bucket of questions, the first two being: “How to make my dick big” and “How to make myself last.” Asuelu immediately calls himself out for submitting the questions on deck, and once he and the rest of the group stop laughing, Reba tells Asuelu to think about WHY he wants a bigger love stick, because “not all people with vaginas want people with big dicks.”
Asuelo says that he wants a big one because other people have big ones.
As the class continues, Kelly asks a question about finding the G-spot– and spoiler alert, according to Molly, “He don’t know where mine is!”– and “someone” asks how to stay in the mood when your partner requires multiple breaks.
While the latter is intended to remain anonymous, someone clearly didn’t relay that information to the camera man, as we immediately pan directly to Liz and Ed. In response to
Liz’s the anonymous question, Reba shares some prostate pro-tips to get your penis-having partner poppin’ off until the sun comes up. Liz then proceeds to blow the world’s worst cover by blurting out that she would “LOVE” to know what non-lethargic love making is like, to which Ed suggests she “find another partner.”
Moving right along, Reba schools Asuelu in all things lubricant, explaining to him the difference between lube and using his own spit.
No…seriously. This is what we are choosing to watch on TV, guys. We need to do better.
Reba then asks everyone to rate sex with their partner on a scale of one to 10, as long as they’re comfortable doing so in front of the rest of the class. Asuelu is up first, rating his and Kalani’s sex life a 10; however, Kalani says she’d be more happy declining. (We’re not sure if she’s declining to answer or declining to engage in more saliva-filled sex sessions with Asuelu.)
Reba moves on to Molly and Kelly’s table, where Kelly reveals he and Molly aren’t currently having sex. Going off of the last time they did, however, Molly rates them an eight. Kelly then reminisces on the sweaty “barbaric” sex he and Molly used to have, only for Molly to tell him it wasn’t sweaty because it was barbaric, it was sweaty because they’re “fat” and were “both out of breath.”
Reba says she knows there’s still a lot of good in Molly and Kelly’s relationship– sweat and all. She confirms that Kelly still finds Molly attractive, but Molly says she doesn’t know how she feels about Kelly today, because a lot of her attraction to him was because of his drive and his career as a cop. Molly feels that Kelly is unmotivated.
Next we move on to Liz and Ed’s table. Ed says his and Liz’s sex life started at an 11, but is now around a five. Liz agrees that it started “really great” but now she’s fed up with having to stop to give Ed “five or 10 minutes to catch [his] breath and then get back into it.”
Because of this, Liz says she prefers to go the self-pleasure route. Reba suggests Liz “share” her “solo experience” with Ed, but Liz says she’d rather not. She also throws in that when Ed has “shared” her solo experience in the past, it was only because he couldn’t satisfy her himself due to the fact that he “gets out of breath so fast.”
While Molly and Kelly try (and fail miserably) to hide their laughter, Reba straight up dismisses Liz’s dig, thanks her for her honesty and keeps the class moving. Meanwhile, Ed reminds viewers that he just had surgery and is trying to get into shape. Liz chuckles at this excuse, adding, “it’s been months.”
Back in the class, Jovi rates his and Yara’s sex life a six because he wants more of it, while Yara rates it an eight because she claims Jovi doesn’t always listen to what she wants.
Yara tells Jovi he approaches sex like everything else in life:
“Would TLC be interested in using this as a storyline?” what he wants and when he wants it. Jovi says he understands, before immediately explaining why he doesn’t.
Reba then hands out homework to each of the couples. For Liz and Ed, she says to focus on arousal without penetration. (Can we please outlaw the use of the word ‘penetration’ when we are discussing Big ED?! Please and thank you.)
For Asuelu and Kalani: take a page out of Liz’s book and engage in some “solo satisfying”; Yara and Jovi: cuddle without it leading to sex (much to Jovi’s dismay); Kelly and Molly: identify your turn-ons and turn-offs; Us: try not to walk away from this episode with any residual trauma.
After class, Ed accuses Liz of embarrassing him in front of everyone, though Liz insists that she was only being honest. Liz says once again, Ed’s behavior shows that he isn’t taking group therapy very seriously.
Later that day, Reba is subjected to a private sex class/therapy session with Angela and Michael–- the latter of whom is being beamed in via Zoom.
Reba begins by asking about Angela and Michael’s sex life and Angela proceeds to tell her that during all three of her visits to see Michael last year, they banged it out on the daily.
We will give you a moment to recover from the mental picture of Angela and Michael “banging it out.”
Reba then asks about “simulating” that experience when they’re apart, to which Angela says she’s into it, but says Michael is “against the self-pleasure and stuff” due to religious reasons and also his penchant to have the real deal– SEKSI necklace and all.
In an attempt to spice things up from afar, Reba introduces Angela and her nearly-unwilling partner Michael to a Bluetooth vibrator that may help for those long distance dry spells. Surprisingly, Michael is on board with the idea and Reba gets their respective phone apps fired up so the couple can get to work. Angela tells Michael they have a wild night ahead of them–- so long as he’s remembered to charge his cellphone.
We then check in with Yara and Jovi— who are supposed to be cuddling— we find that their “homework” consists largely of Yara trying to keep Jovi from playing grab ass.
And because the producers clearly love a jump scare, the show immediately cuts back to Angela’s room, where we find Mee-Maw yelling about the “corn cob” shoved inside of her after “suiting up” for tonight’s homework.
What in the egg-toting horrorshow….!!?
Angela makes her way to the bed, armed with her iPad on a tripod and Michael anxiously waiting on Zoom. We’re pretty sure we disassociated during this scene, but unfortunately, not soon enough. The amount of therapy I will need from watching this scene is unmeasurable.
Over at Liz and Ed’s villa, Ed
does damage control tells Liz he “got a lot” out of today’s class, but Liz is quick to remind him that he couldn’t help making stupid comments from the jump. Ed says he needs to tone it down, but goes on to blame his childish behavior on his nerves, which is funny, considering he’s currently on Liz’s last one.
Right when we think Liz is coming to her senses, she tells Ed that she’d hate if something happened to him and he didn’t feel like she had his back.
Ed tells Liz he’s going to start being serious when he needs to be, and she vows to have his back and try not to tear him down.
caves makes up with Ed, the two of them head inside to do their homework– fortunately AFTER turning off the lights and dismissing the camera crew.
I AM NOT OK, Y’ALL!
Back in their room, Asuelu and Kalani tell their kids that they went to school today and now have homework to do, which is weird as hell when you think about what they’re referring to, even if they are speaking in code.
Kalani reminds viewers that her and Asuelu’s homework is to “satisfy” themselves separately– which Asuelu says is referred to as “fufu” in Samoa. According to Asuelu, he doesn’t like to “fufu” because he thinks it’s bad luck, as he once did so after playing volleyball and proceeded to break his ankle.
Still, Asuelu says he’s optimistic that his luck will change and that he will be a lean, mean, fufu-ing machine by the end of this exercise.
Doubt sets in, however, as we watch a nearly naked Asuelu make his way to the other room where he goes on to caress and hump the wall before doing little bump and grind on the corner of the bed.
“Watching Asuelu hump the wall” certainly wasn’t on my 2023 Bingo card but here we are…
While the couples are off doing their homework– or in Asuelu’s case, a piece of furniture– Kelly and Molly meet with Dr. Jason for a private therapy session. Dr. Jason asks Molly about the comment she made in the sex class about Kelly’s former career as a cop being a turn on for her. Molly explains that it was more about Kelly’s motivation and drive at the time, which she claims he no longer has.
Kelly tells Dr. Jason that Molly isn’t telling him the whole truth about their situation, and that truth is that he “changed his whole world” for Molly, but Molly hasn’t validated her love for him at all. Molly tells Dr. Jason that Kelly has no respect for her as a mother or a business owner, adding that Kelly also hasn’t “come out of cop mode.”
In response, Kelly accuses Molly of turning on him and starts to get emotional, insisting Molly is “wrong.”
“I went against all my beliefs for her, I changed everything for her,” he says. “I don’t want to be with a person like that. I’m not safe, I’m not secure. I don’t want to be with a person like that. No, no. She did me wrong, man.”
Dr. Jason points out to Molly that Kelly’s love for her is making him cry, and Molly says she “gets it” but still doesn’t think Kelly is taking responsibility for his actions. She also says she doesn’t feel that Kelly can take care of her emotionally, financially, physically, mentally or sexually (no matter how many walls he humps).
Kelly says he “can’t deal with a liar” and proceeds to get up from the table and walk off.
That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous “90 Day: The Last Resort” episode, click here!