Raise your glass and lower your standards– it’s time for another episode of 90 Day Fiance: The Last Resort!
This week’s episode kicks off in Molly’s room, where the women of ‘The Last Resort’ are congregating for some girl time. Before the SHEnanigans can begin, however, Kalani tells Angela and Liz they need to hash out their hot tub squabble.
Presumably out of fear that the show’s resident SEKSI Mee-Maw will lower the boom on her, Liz actually thanks Angela for nearly getting into a physical altercation with her a few nights ago, claiming it ended up helping her realize that she doesn’t have Ed’s back.
Sure, Liz…whatever helps you sleep better at night/prevents you from getting knocked out by someone’s grandma on television.
After Angela and Liz hug it out, Molly surprises the ladies with a room full of lingerie from her store, because the only thing better than a free vacation is a free vacation that comes with free advertisement for your personal business. Molly claims the impromptu lingerie party is exactly what the ladies need after dealing with their problematic partners and assorted relationship issues.
Next we check in with the men (sans Michael and Ed) who are still at the bar planning this over-hyped night of naked debauchery. Fortunately-– for who exactly, we don’t know–- Jovi tells the guys he has the skinny on the stripper scene in the Keys because he knows a couple of girls who used to pivot the poles in New Orleans and have since relocated to the stages of Key West.
Jovi throws in the fact that he doesn’t “want to get anybody in trouble”–- notably Asuelu, whose marriage is particularly rocky at the moment–- but Kelly assures them all will be fine as long as Asuelu doesn’t get caught.
This plan is almost as rock solid as the relationships on the show.
Jovi proceeds to tell the guys about a strip club he used to frequent “before” meeting Yara, (Sure, Jan…). He also talks about a stripper at the club he befriended and ultimately traveled with to Jamaica. Jovi all but admits to “doing the sex” with his topless travel pal before defending his decision to treat Asuelu to a night of nudity, even if it means pissing off Yara in the process.
Proving that he is, in fact, even dumber than he looks, Jovi then fires off a text to his stripper pal to see which nights she is working that week.
The guys then begrudgingly agree to invite Ed along for their night of partying and pawing strippers, but only if Ed apologizes for calling Kelly a bitch, agrees to keep his mouth shut and promises not to take his clothes off at any point.
“I do not want him naked on a stage,” Kelly says.
THANK YOU on behalf of viewers everywhere…..
As the guys exit the bar and prepare to head back to the resort, Asuelu channels his inner 15-year-old boy and expresses just how excited he–– a grown man with a wife–– is to see a naked woman later that week.
Back at the resort, Molly selects lingerie for each of the women to try on, even taking into consideration that Angela is a proud member of “the fat cat club.”
…and because Angela is… the way that she is… she insists on telling viewers that Michael loves her “fat cat” because “it’s purr-fect.”
This show should really come with a warning label I swear. I am triggered.
As the ladies take turns trying on their lingerie selections, Yara says she wants to go last because she feels insecure. Molly says she just can’t understand how Yara could be self-conscious, so she asks Yara to open up about how she’s feeling. Yara claims it’s a cultural thing, before explaining how her parents put a lot of pressure on her to be perfect. She also says her mom made comments to her about her nose and her weight when she was growing up. Yara says although Jovi tries to be understanding of her insecurities, he’s really secure in himself so he doesn’t really get it. Molly tells Yara she’s stunning and it appears to make Yara feel a bit more comfortable.
As their convo wraps up, Kalani enters the room to reveal her “mistress of the night” getup, complete with a whip, which she takes for a spin on a couple of her cast mates.
Yara is the next to show her outfit, and she shares her big reveal with Angela. Yara tells the ladies she feels really good about herself–- almost as good as Angela.
You know what’s sure to derail Yara’s sudden wave of empowerment? Her husband reaching out to a stripper he once traveled/slept with.
The next day we head to Kalani and Asuelu’s room where Kalani’s sister Kolini, who we’ve forgotten is along for this trip for some reason, stops by to do a wellness check on her nephews, but mostly to catch up on the hot goss with her sis.
Kalani tells Kolini that Asuelu is trying to romance her, but because he cheated, she’s not into it and claims the two are more in the friend zone than in the bone zone. Kalani says when she’s not thinking about Asuelu cheating and catching the tongue funk from a random, she’s thinking about Hall Pass Guy, which leaves her in a “really hard spot.” Kalani also reveals there’s more to the story of Asuelu’s infidelity, but she isn’t ready to share it yet.
Kolini tells Kalani to let her know how everything goes before presumably heading back to her reserved cabana by the pool.
Elsewhere at the resort, Kelly stops by Molly’s room and the two head off to breakfast, riding high on the literal few positive interactions they’ve had at this retreat. After sitting down, they’re joined by the rest of the cast (minus a hungover Liz) and Michael on his iPad and tripod setup. While talking about their respective girls and guys nights, Ed tells the group about his hypnosis experience.
Somehow, this discussion turns into yet another conversation about Angela’s “fat cat,” along with a side of Ed’s taint and Michael’s asshole.
This show is officially the health class from hell.
Kalani, who clearly wants to see the world burn at this point, then suggests that everyone go around and give their take on salad tossing.
Almost immediately, we’re cursed with the image of Ed simulating his, um, tossing technique on a flower– an act that makes Asuelu literally vomit at the table.
Asuelu throwing up then triggers Angela and Kalani, who both start gagging and dry heaving.
As it turns out, rock bottom has a basement, folks.
After fully grossing out cast members and viewers alike, Ed moseys up to Kelly and apologizes for calling him names. He also vows to the group to “be less talk-over,” which we can only assume is Ed Speak for “be less Ed.” Due to the group’s expectations of Ed being at an all-time low, they give him actual pats on the back for apologizing before having to be asked to apologize.
Later that day, the couples meet back up at therapy where they are greeted on the beach with blow-up mattresses, one blow-up doll, sex therapist Reba and Simone, a Kama Sutra instructor. We soon learn that the blow-up doll is supposed to be Michael’s stand-in for this session, despite the fair skin and red hair.
Simone asks each couple (and Angela and her blow-up doll) to face each other on the bed and begin breathing together. (So, does Angela just let a little air out of her blow-up doll at a time or…?)
They’re then instructed to tell their partner what they love about them. As the couples get started, Kelly and Molly find that they’re struggling to do what’s asked of them. Molly explains that she wasn’t ready to do this exercise with Kelly today because they still have a lot to talk about, and sitting criss-cross applesauce on an inflatable mattress isn’t helping.
Kelly questions if he and Molly still love each other, to which Molly says they do, they just aren’t IN love with each other. Kelly appears to nod his head in agreement. As the class continues, however, Kelly insists he and Molly don’t need to take part in the exercise and suggests to her that they leave.
When Molly doesn’t agree to bail, Kelly decides he “can’t do this” and leaves on his own. Back at his room, Kelly says hearing Molly admit that she isn’t in love with him made him feel like an idiot. He also says Molly isn’t the person he fell in love with.
Reba swings by Kelly’s room to check on him and Kelly tells her he just couldn’t stay in the class after hearing what Molly had to say. Kelly tells Reba he loves Molly, but says he can’t force her to feel the same.
“I’m out,” he says.
After speaking with Kelly, Reba returns to the beach beds where she finds Molly crying over the state of her and Kelly’s relationship, as well as the fact that she feels alone on this retreat. (Um…can we get another blow-up doll out here pronto, guys?)
Reba tells Molly to “center” and focus on what she wants.
Molly says the best she can hope for at this point is that she and Kelly stop hurting each other and, like Kelly, she insists that she’s “done.”
With Kelly and Molly gone, the couples resume their class and begin trying out Kama Sutra positions– a segment consisting almost entirely of Angela harassing the absolute hell out of her plastic Michael stand-in and Ed and Liz simulating sex positions that will haunt me until the day I die.
Later that night, Asuelu and Kalani sit down with Dr. Jason for couples therapy. They jump right into the session with a recap on the Kama Sutra class-– an activity Kalani says felt like a hang sesh with her bestie, due to her and Asuelu’s current dynamic. Kalani then tells Dr. Jason that she feels grossed out when she thinks of Asuelu in a sexual way.
“I just think of his penis with somebody else, so then that just disgusts me and then I don’t wanna do anything,” she adds.
Asuelu calls Kalani’s comments “hurtful,” but says he’s willing to be patient. However, Kalani says she’s basically blocked all romantic feelings towards her husband out of fear that he will hurt her again. Asuelu says Kalani makes him feel like a bad person, but Kalani tells him he’s not a bad person, he just makes “dumb choices” sometimes, noting that everyone does.
Kalani says she doesn’t know what it will take for her to forgive Asuelu, which only confuses her more. She also says she honestly doesn’t care about having sex with her mattress-humping hubby anymore, which brings Asuelu to tears (probably because he knows he’s staring down a lifetime of humping a blow-up doll if he can’t fix this).
Dr. Jason tells the couple that being besties isn’t the worst place to be, as “healthy, strong relationships must have that foundation of friendship.” He suggest they not focus on getting freaky, but rather forgiving and building on their friendship.
While speaking to the camera, Kalani expresses doubt about her ability to forgive Asuelu before admitting that she still hasn’t forgiven him for things he did at the beginning of their relationship. When asked by producers to expound on this, Kalani reveals that Asuelu has cheated on her the whole time they’ve been together, including when they were dating, when she was pregnant, right before he came to the U.S., three years into their marriage and again recently.
Kalani says these transgressions– all 792 or so of them– make it nearly impossible to forgive a person.
That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous “90 Day: The Last Resort” episode, click here!