‘Bachelor Pad’ Episode 3: Whose Face Do You Have to Suck to Get a Rose?

bachelor pad
Miss last night's episode? It was basically 2 hours of this...

Making fun of the lunatics on Bachelor Pad is almost not even any fun. It’s kind of like shooting fish in a barrel for The Ashley. However, it must be done, so here we go…

The night starts at Casa de Syphilis. The ‘Padders are told by Chris Harrison that no one is safe unless they have a rose (or a hefty supply of Valtrex, of course). Chris immediately takes the gang out to the pool for their next challenge, where they are greeted by a team of synchronized swimmers doing a routine. That could only mean one thing folks, we’re in for a water dancin’ competition!

Vienna says she’s thrilled to do this because she was a swimmer in high school. Um, you also said you were a softball player and I seem to remember you losing the softball chucking contest, so I don’t have high hopes for our Lil’ Sausage.

If you have an IQ under 30, please raise your hand.

The gang learns that they will be performing a synchronized swimming routine with their respected sexes. The boys and girls split off to learn their routines. I feel really bad for the poor chick that got stuck teaching the girls: she has to deal with Vienna trying to show off by doing some weak-sauce Rockette style moves, as well as Erica floating there like a big plastic inner tube. (Well, the plastic part is correct at least.) The girls are literally swimming around the pool like germs in a petri dish. It doesn’t look good…in more ways than one.

Meanwhile,the guys are in luck because Michael just happens to be a dance choreographer who seems to be well-versed in the water dancing routines and the like. He creates the routine and has the boys looking halfway human in a few moments. He makes me laugh so much, I really like him. Why can’t Holly love him again too….more about that later.

Anyway, Melissa is saying that she’s going to do really well with this challenge because she was a cheerleader in high school. Um, no one cares what you did in 1947, Melissa; you’re just as pitiful as the rest of them.

"Where did I go wrong with my life?"

It’s time to start the competition so Chris brings out the judges, which include Natalie and Dave from last season’s ‘Pad’ and a woman named Karen who is supposedly a former Olympic synchronized swimmer (so says her medal around her neck, anyway). She looks scared to death (she’s probably afraid she’ll catch something). You know she’s just standing there pondering what the hell happened to her life.

The girls dive in first and Erica’s ginormous beachballs are flopping all over the place and it’s just distracting, so I can’t watch much else, but I know they did bad. The guys go next and it’s clear that most of them are really enjoying prancing around in their Speedos.

The girls congratulate the guys on a job well done. “You really made it your own,” said Randy Jackson Michelle.

Olympian Karen announces that once again, Mike has won the challenge. Michelle takes the girl’s award. Of course, this pisses off Vienna who thinks she was way better than everyone else. Plus, she’s mad that she didn’t win the date because she is jonesing for some alone time with Kasey. Sorry, you guys are just going to have to bone in the common areas like everyone else.

bachelor pad
This was way scarier to watch than last week's trip to the haunted hospital.

Jake’s scared that since he lost and doesn’t have a rose he may be voted out. He is scheming to find a way to stay and finds it in Erica’s overinflated fish lips. He goes over and tries to talk her into helping him become more popular with the other Padders, while Erica’s rubbing her big hoof all over his thigh. At this point, I begin to feel queasy.

Meanwhile, Kasey’s pissed at Vienna because she is being halfway decent to Jake. He tells her that she needs to follow the plan and be mean to Jake. Vienna starts to cry (Round 1!) and everyone else that is unlucky enough to be around them looks like they wish they were anywhere else. Actually, that’s kind of how I feel too. Kasey’s tired of Vienna’s blubbering and has had enough…yeah, join the club!

Michelle chooses three people to go on her date. She picks Kasey, Blake and Graham and they head to a winery. (Perhaps they went to Ben F‘s winery. I hope he gave them a discount!) Michelle pulls Blake aside to scold him about boning both Holly and Melissa, then she pulls Graham aside to stick her tongue down his throat.

Anyone see the terrible editing in this scene? At first glance, Graham has a rose proudly pinned to his Outdoorsman pullover. In the next shot, the rose is gone. I enjoy it when producers and editors screw things up. It makes me feel better about myself.

Anyway, Mike chooses to take Vienna, Ella and Holly on his date. They all go horseback riding through a canyon. It’s really beautiful. However, apparently it’s not beautiful enough for Vienna, who proceeds to plop down on a horse and complain the entire trail ride. The whole time I was rooting for Mr. Ed to just give her one good heave. No such luck.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Blake is trying to make amends with Melissa. You can see that it’s physically paining him to be nice to this batsh*t crazy woman, but hey…the economy’s bad, even for dentist. He’s got to do what he’s got to do.

I’m going to speed this crap up a little because reliving it is making me ill. So….Mike kicks the other two girls to the curb and chooses Holly to spend the rest of the date with. Somehow Bret Michaels shows up and sings “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” It’s all starting to feel like an odd dream I once had after drinking too many martinis and watching too many episodes of Rock of Love.

Chris just told Vienna that Kasey's in the backyard warming up his voice.

Back at home, Jake’s trying to get the bottom feeders of the house to vote for Kasey to go home. Kasey, however, has more important things on his mind. It’s his six month anniversary with Vienna (hey, he lasted longer than Jake I think). Vienna gets a ring (to which she says “I hope that’s not an engagement ring!”) Us viewers get something far better, however. A song by Kasey! We haven’t heard his heavenly voice since he sang to Ali on The Bachelorette and let me tell you, it’s been far too long.

This pretty much made the season for me. The rest of the Crapchelor Pad can suck and I wouldn’t care. Let’s just film Kasey singing for two hours and show it instead of next week’s episode.

What else happened? Melissa bugged the crap out of me. She cried for 110 of the 120 minutes of this craptastic episode. I can’t decide who I want to hit in the face with a frying pad more, her or Vienna. Please God, give me two frying pans.

Chris announces that only one guy will be leaving the Pad and all the women are safe. He’s just about to announce who’s going home (he says “Kasey…”) and the screen goes to black.


Maybe I’ll just hit myself with that frying pan every time I decide it’s a good idea to watch another episode of this horrible show. See you next week!

One Response

  1. All the other people in the house did nothing but complain about Vienna and comment about how mean they were all being to Jake and yet Kirk/Blake don’t have the stones to send Kasey home… WTF?

    Why a loser like Kasey has so much power is beyond me.

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