It’s been a long couple of rose-less months since Sean Lowe gave out his final rose on his season of The Bachelor. (Shockingly, they’re still together…allegedly. Anyone want to take a bet that they’re giving that fateful “We are ending our relationship but remain dedicated friends” statement to People magazine? I know, I’m a grinch.)
Anyway, even though they canceled Bachelor Pad, ABC was kind enough to schedule the next installment of The Bachelorette over the summer TV break, giving us something to watch (and The Ashley something to write about) during the hot months.
This season’s ‘Bachelorette’ is Desiree Hartsock, who finished fourth on Sean’s season, mostly thanks to her brother throwing a sh*tfit during her hometown date and basically threatening to cut Sean. She was dumped by Sean soon after, but now she’s back (without her trademark bangs!) and ready to find love again.
Anyway, we are re-introduced to Des in the first scene. After pulling up in a Honda, Chris Harrison tries to shuck the “poor” off of her by handing her the keys to a Bentley and declaring her the official ‘Bachelorette.’ Every ‘Bachelor’ or ‘Bachelorette’ always seems to have a theme: Sean had his abs, Jake Pavelka had his pilot status to go off of, Emily Maynard had…well, everything. Like those that came before her, Desiree has her theme: she used to be poor.
She basically tells us that her childhood was really tough. She had to live in an apartment (the horrors!) and that her parents didn’t buy her a lot. (I wonder how many years of counseling it took her to get over the day that her mom wouldn’t buy her the latest My Little Pony toy…groan.)
After pretty much sh*tting on her parents on national TV for not making enough money, Desiree arrives at the Bachelor Mansion to kick off her “journey to find love.” Before we can get this pile of crap steaming, however, we have to meet some of the guys looking to win
a spot as the next ‘Bachelor’ I mean, Desiree’s heart.
First we meet Bryden (It’s like Bryan and Brandon mixed together, y’all!) He joined the military to get over his broken heart. He says he’s loyal, honest, sensitive and protective. (Add in ‘thrifty’ and ‘obident’ and he’d be a Boy Scout!) Next we meet Drew who wastes no time telling us about his rough upbringing: from an alcoholic dad to a handicapped sister. He thinks the fact that they both had crappy lives before all this will make them the perfect match. Whatever you say, buddy.
Next we meet “Slick” Nick R., a magician/tailor (as you are) who is determined to win Desiree’s heart. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull his, um, rabbit out of his hat on the first date if you know what I mean. (No? Me neither…moving on…)
Robert is an entrepreneur from California that claims that he invented the art of sign-spinning ads. (Well…I invented Post-It Notes, so there.) I’m not sure I buy that, but I intend to look it up. Brandon is a wakeboarder that tells us that he’s had a life of “rough water” (see what they did there?) His dad was a deadbeat, his mom an addict. Good Lord, did they save up all the sob stories for Des? Are their dates going to consist of all of these people sitting around the campfire trading stories of how they had to eat cat food to survive? (Eh…it will still be better than Ben‘s season of ‘The Bachelor’ if they did.)
Desiree stands in the driveway of the Mansion, telling us that she’s “Ready for love” and that her “heart is so open,” which is the cue for the first limo to arrive. Sob-story Drew is the first one out. Unfortunately, no one told him that it’s not polite to stare directly at a girl’s boobs (especially the first time you meet her….especially when it’s on national television.) He legit ogles her breasts the entire time they talk.
Next is Brooks, who was greased to an inch of his life. He was followed by Brad, who had cooked up a great scheme to get Des to remember him: he’s brought a wishbone with him. Ah, yes, nothing says “Love me” like playing with the dead carcass of an animal. Michael emerges next, bringing with him the equally goofy idea of trying to find the penny that Des threw in the fountain on the first night of Sean’s ‘Bachelor’ season. He starts digging in the fountain, as Des stands there awkwardly. Des claims to have been poor so she should be used to having to dig around fountains for money, right? This is just a regular Saturday night in her childhood.
Kasey arrives next. He works in social media so he decides that he’s going to speak in hashtags when he greets Des, telling her she’s “#perfect and #marriagematerial.” Um…The Ashley has two “hashtags” for you, buddy. #ShouldHaveThoughtOfABetterGreeting and #WhyAreYouWearingTennisShoesWithASuit.
We meet a few more and finally, Johnathan emerges, bringing with him possibly the best greeting in ‘Bachelorette’ history. He presents Des with a note that asks her to join him in the Fantasy Suite and comes complete with room key! Um, no one wants to crawl into your bed at the Best Western, buddy. Desiree is understandably shocked and declines his offer. Thank you, ABC, for bringing this degenerate into my life.
Speaking of degenerates, they just keep on coming. One guy shows up shirtless, asking a disgusted Des to “accept these abs.” Larry is a doctor that decides to give Des an impromptu dance lesson. The only problem is Des has no clue what he’s trying to do and almost ends up ripping her gown. (For once she doesn’t have to keep the tags on it and return it to JC Penny at the end of the night– she ain’t poor anymore, remember?)
However, Diogo takes the cake for creepiest entrance of the night. He emerges from the limo in a full suit of armor. In addition to his outfit, he also seems to be semi-creepy. He wants to get her heart, but I’m pretty sure the only thing he’ll be getting is a restraining order against him, with requirements to stay at least 100 feet away from Desiree and/or her property.
Ironically, Ab Boy has enough balls to tell Diogo that he went overboard. Um, you showed up looking like an extra from Magic Mike, let’s pipe down a little bit, buddy.
The goons just keep coming, and Desiree, bless her heart, is trying her best to keep a straight face, even telling Chris Harrison that “This is all so much fun.” She meets Juan Pablo (who I’m pretty sure she ended up calling “Juan Pooplo”) and Brian, who decided to make his suit himself.
The final guy in Des’ parade of rejects is Ben who arrives with his son, Brody. He tells Desiree that he brought his son because he’s the most important thing to him, blah blah blah, but we all know it was just a ploy to get a rose, and possibly into Des’ pants…er, dress. (I would be so mad if I was the mother of that kid! I know a lot of people thought Ben bringing his son was cute, but I thought it was horrible! He used his son as a pawn!) Unfortunately, the ‘Bachelor Mansion’ hi-jinks are restricted to those 21 and over so Ben hands his kid off to grandma and heads inside to enjoy the fruits of his son’s labor.
She goes in to to greet her coven of creeps, and all the guys are falling all over her. First Nick announces that he will make her “disappear” and, instead of doing a magic trick, just steals her away. (I actually thought that was pretty clever.)
Guys are stealing her away after a few moments, and finally she sits down with Ben, who tells her all about how he and his best friend had this kid together and are looking for extra pieces to their puzzle. (Did he just ask her to do a threesome?) Apparently Des likes threesomes, baby mommas and kids because she scurries off to get the first rose to give to him.
This, of course, pisses all the other guys off, and Ben’s walking around showing off the rose and saying things like, “Whatever it takes, man.” Wow.
Ab Boy is getting even more desperate for attention, so he strips off his pants and dives into the pool. Unfortunately, no one even notices/cares and he’s left alone, soaking wet and looking even dumber than before. (Des does give him a pity rose later in the night, though, for his efforts.)
All the guys are trying a different tactic to get a rose: one guy starts rambling about some kid that he met in Iraq, one guy busts out the soccer ball to show off his head-balancing skills, and Drew, once again, just stares at her chest when he gets a few moments alone with her. (Jesus, buddy, go get a porn and take care of this. My God!) Desiree even calls him on it, and he blames it on nerves and she gives him a rose.
Meanwhile, Dance Dip Larry is bummed out about how his attempt to sweep Desiree off her feet didn’t exactly go as planned. He pulls her aside and ups the creep factor big time– constantly putting on and taking off his glasses (was he trying to be seductive?) and staring intensely into her eyes, telling her how great it is to meet her over and over again. Um, security!
Jonathan gets a hold of her next, and he’s determined to make his “Bone me in the Fantasy Suite” ploy work. He creates a mini suite in one of the Mansion rooms and tells us he plans to “kiss her on the mouth.” (And, most likely, attempt to wear her face as his face.) Desiree is completely turned off that he’s still trying to get her into the Fantasy Suite. She agrees to talk to him, and he continues to be all perverted, asking her to “do something crazy for him” and letting her know that he has a “full love tank.” (Um…) She’s basically begging one of the guys to make this dude disappear (where’s that magician when you need him?!) Finally, she excuses herself. He comes right back, steals her away and tries to push her into the Fantasy Suite he’s created. SERIOUSLY?!
Des tells him that he’s making her very uncomfortable and tells him (and his full love tank) to get out. All the guys are congratulating her on giving the creep the boot when Chris Harrison announces it’s time for the rose ceremony. She’s already handed out a bunch of roses, so it doesn’t take very long to give out the remaining ones. Roses go to Brandon, Zak K., Will, Brooks, Dan, Chris, Brian, James, #Kasey, Robert and Mikey. Going home broken-hearted are: Dance Dip Larry, Dork in Shining Armor Diogo, Make-Your-Own Suit Man and Magician Nick, and a few others no one cares about.
Until next week, kiddies!