Hi, kids! It’s once again time to check in with our favorite teenage moms for another episode of Teen Mom 3. Last week, the girls wasted no time getting right to the things that make this show fantastic. In one episode, one girl got engaged, one girl got took her deadbeat baby-daddy to court, one girl begged her boyfriend to love her and another took MTV on a drug-run! All we need is for someone to get arrested and/or beat their best friend over the head with drumsticks and we’d be all set. (Crossing my fingers at least one of those things happens in this new episode!)
Anyway, this episode kicks off in Miami (“but it’s pronounced “Miam-a, y’all!”) Oklahoma, where Mackenzie is pouting after her plan to get her boo, Josh, to move in with her and her parents has failed. He’s agreed to stay over once a week to help with the baby; however, opening his eyes while he is there is still optional. (Seriously, has Alex’s baby-daddy Matt been hanging out with Josh behind the barn? This kid looks way higher in every episode than Matt does!)
Mackenzie’s mom, Angie, may be allowing Josh to stay over, but she’s determined not to give Mackenzie a pass to ride her cowboy while under their roof, so she’s making them sleep in separate rooms. After all, they aren’t allowed to have sex before marriage. Except for that one time they boned and had Gannon…oh, and that other time. Oh, and that time a few months ago. But other than that, no sex of any kind is permitted. (And honestly, I can’t imagine Mackenzie being all that disappointed that she can’t bone Josh. The kid may ride broncos but I highly doubt he’s a stallion under the sheets. He can barely stay awake!)
The next morning, Mackenzie tells Josh that she’s thinking about getting on birth control, something that Josh is all for. (Um…hello! They’re not allowed to have sex before marriage. Who needs birth control?!) Mackenzie’s already the black sheep of the family for all the bumpin’ and grindin’ she’s done in the past with Josh, so it’s unlikely that Momma Angie will be thrilled that her youngest daughter plans to fornicate all the way to the altar.
Can someone just tell Mackenzie to do what every other 17-year-old girl does when she wants her mother to get her birth control: tell her you’re only taking it to clear your acne up and/or regulate your cycle and that you would never be like those slutty girls that use it to prevent pregnancy! Works every time!
Meanwhile in Wyoming, Katie is showing off her engagement ring to her friends while Joey is shoveling extra coal down in the mine to start saving for the wedding. He comes home to find Katie worried about how small their apartment is. She really wants to move but everything is so expensive. But she really has nothing to worry about because Joey is almost sure he gets a discount at that “nice ass Silver Ridge place” because of his work.
The nice ass Silver Ridge complex comes complete with a 24-hour hot tub and gym (for when Joey wants to “get his fitness on”) and eliminates the need to keep the baby’s crib next to the stove!
Katie and Joey head over to the “nice ass” place to see what $930 a month can get you in the fine state of Wyoming.
Katie and Joey are thrilled with the apartment and decide to rent it.
Next we go to Pennsylvania, where Alex is stressed out from taking care of herself, the baby and Matt, all while Matt is resting on his heroin-filled laurels. She goes on a walk with her friend Sabrina, who decides to randomly (and by ‘randomly’ I mean at the constant probing of a TV producer that’s standing right out of the camera’s view) to ask Alex if she wishes she’d have given her baby up for adoption. Um…awkward. (For the record, Alex says she’s happy that her neighbor’s brother’s mother’s friend’s cousin isn’t raising Arabella.)
Alex is getting more and more annoyed that Matt is still jobless. Matt is upset that Alex wants him to try to work…and stuff…so she doesn’t have to raise their kid and work three jobs. Alex’s mom comes home and tries to help them work out their problems but they continue to argue, mainly because Matt thinks Alex thinks she’s “eshlawns” (um?) above him. She agrees and Matt storms out. Alex’s mom tells her to quit her bitching and to apologize to Matt. (UM!?!?)
Finally we go to Orlando to meet up with Briana. She’s trying to make things work with her deadbeat cyber-bullying baby-daddy Devoin, so she invites him over to “chill” with her and the baby. She takes him upstairs and tells him that she knows he was talkin’ crap on Twitter (she has screenshots!) and also informs him that she was about to drag his ass to court.
Devoin can’t quite understand what Briana’s saying so he just sits there with a stupid look on his face. She tells him that if he ever disrespects her again, she’s going to file the order and keep him from her and their baby.
The next day, Briana is hanging out with her mom and trying to decide to if she should call Devoin. Her mom suggests letting him baby-sit Nova for one hour to see how awful of a parent he is.
Over in Oklahoma, Mackenzie heads to her friend Victoria’s house to talk about the sex and what kinds of things she can put in her vajayjay (or on Josh’s hotdog) to keep them from having more babies.
Victoria decides it’s best for Mackenzie to text her mother the news that she wants to get on birth control. It takes both girls to send this text message, of course, and they’re curious to see what Mackenzie’s mom has to say about the whole thing. Her mom texts back saying she wishes that Mackenzie and Josh would choose abstinence. Um, yeah Mom, because that’s worked out so fantastically in the past. Let the girl get a Mirena and, provided she doesn’t pee it out like Chelsea Houska did, you’ll be sans anymore grandkids to take care of for a while.
In Wyoming, Joey’s friend Gary randomly decides to call and say that Joey owes him money from three years ago and he wants it back ASAP. Um, he borrowed money from this kid three years ago and now it’s this big emergency to get it back? Was he in a coma this whole time or something?
Joey says he doesn’t know anything about Gary or his $400 and Katie is angry that Joey comes with so much debt. Then they fight some more. Seriously, the people on this show fight more than the folks on the Jerry Springer Show. Except on “Teen Mom 3” you’re not allowed to whip off your heel and beat your partner with it. (Amber ruined that for everyone.)
After Joey storms over to his mom’s house, Katie meets up with her mom, Luci, to discuss Joey’s Gary Shirley debt and why she’s sick of Joey’s grumpiness. She’s tired of him yelling at her and is starting to rethink the whole marriage thing.
Back in Orlando, Briana is sad because she has to miss out on her Jerry-curl pal Jaidie’s fabulous pool party because of her teen mom-dom. To ease her pain, Jaidie comes over to visit before the par-tay begins. They start to paint their nails in the driveway (as you do) and Briana tells her pal all about her big plans to let Devoin help parent Nova.
Devoin arrives later that night and Briana’s sister gives him some major eyebrows and attitude before she and Briana leave. Briana’s having a hard time leaving her daughter with this degenerate. Well, hopefully one of the MTV cameramen knows CPR for when Devoin accidentally almost kills her.
Unbeknownst to Devoin, Briana and her family are sitting outside in their car just in case they see flames and need to rescue the kid. Nova is screaming bloody murder the whole time Devoin is there. She even throws up (maybe she couldn’t stand the smell of Devoin’s imitation Tommy Hilfiger cologne.)
Eventually, he calls Briana before his hour is up and she arrives home to find a screaming Nova and a sweaty Devoin. He’s literally pouring sweat. I believe Briana has accomplished her goal of scaring him away for good.
Meanwhile, Mackenzie’s heading to the vagina doctor to get herself some birth control. Her doctor is concerned that Mackenzie won’t be able to remember to take her birth control pills. (You know him and the other OBGYNs totally have a baby pool going to see when this chick will be back in their office knocked up once again. Um…whoever picked May 2013 wins!)
Mackenzie says she’s not so sure about having to take a daily pill so the doctor brings up the Mirena, which is inserted into her uterus (I’m sure Mackenzie had to take a moment to look up all these big words on her phone.) She agrees to get that and the doctor shows Mackenzie how the device works. She gets all Mirena’d and texts her mom to let her know.
Meanwhile, Josh is busy roping his fake steer head and chatting with his trusty pal Lane.
Listening to Josh sleepily explain to his pal about Mackenzie getting on birth control was truly the highlight of my night. Of course, I am pathetic but still, it was classic! “I guess Mackenzie’s gonna go on and get herself on some birth control…and stuff.”
When she comes home, her mom is waiting for her to talk about all this birth control nonsense. Mackenzie insists that she’s not using the birth control for sex.
In Pennsylvania, Matt has returned home. Alas, he’s not staying long. In fact, he already has his three hoodies and bag of heroin packed up in his backpack, but Alex’s mom is trying to get him to stay for some reason. (Maybe she likes the fact that he keeps the couch all warm for her?) Alex refuses to apologize (rightfully so!) and Matt says he doesn’t need this crap.
Alex’s mom (who, other than asking Alex to apologize is completely awesome) tries to reason with the kids and get them to work together for Arabella’s sake. They decide to go to family counseling with a lady named Julie. Matt comes right out and says he’s been an IV drug user for four years, so that might be where Alex’s trust issues came in. (Yup, that might be it!)
Julie (and her unfortunate haircut) seems a little overwhelmed by the issues between Alex and Matt. She doesn’t say much except to tell them when they are mad at each other they should go into different rooms. For this MTV has to pay this lady $150 an hour!? Good Lord. I should have been a family counselor.
Meanwhile at Katie’s house, Joey’s still in a horrible mood and Katie’s mad that he keeps yelling at her. He tells her he only got the “nice ass” apartment because of her, but Katie doesn’t think he loves her anymore. He’s pissed and, after throwing everything off the table, he tells her it’s over for good. (However, their breakup did lack an “I’m done!” which kind of bummed me out.)
Next week on “Teen Mom 3” it’s prom night for Mackenzie, y’all! Bust out your best JC Penny Junior’s gown and get to Miami’s biggest dance of the year. My money’s on Mackenzie winning prom queen because everyone knows whoever has an MTV camera crew following them always wins.