Even though it’s been over two weeks since the second part of the Teen Mom 3 reunion aired, The Ashley just recently got around to recapping it. While she was tempted to just let it pass sans recap, the fact that someone literally tries to hit someone with their high heel in this episode makes it feel like a crime not to recap. This episode has ‘The Ashley’ written all over it!
Last week, The Ashley recapped the first part of the ‘Teen Mom 3’ reunion finale which featured Alex and Mackenzie. If you’d like to read that hot mess of a recap, click here!
Anyway, this episode kicks off with all four girls sitting down with Dr. Drew Pinsky to discuss all that has happened over the season. Dr. Drew asks each of the girls how their children are doing and Mackenzie, Katie and Alex all regale him of tales of their babies’ recent developments.
Katie says that Molli is talking up a storm; Alex mentions that Arabella loves books and Mackenzie tells him that she recently got Gannon a pony because he loves animals. (And, if he is anything like his dad, head trauma.)
When he asks Briana what Nova’s been up to, she just blurts out, “I love her!”
Um…..perhaps she didn’t understand the question? Someone please tell Dr. Drew that he has to speak extra slow when he’s talking to Briana.
After the break, we kick things off with Katie. She says that Joey has been going to anger management and couples counseling and that they are giving it another go at being together. (I guess ol’ Joe got tired of boning his side dish Bridgette? I find that hard to believe, what with her sweat pants, ratty ponytail and the baby hanging from her teet. She is the epitome of dream girl!)
Katie says that she, Joey and Molli are all living together as a family (Spoiler alert: since this was filmed over a year ago, this is super-old news and she and Joey are no longer together.) She tells him that Joey and Bridgette’s relationship ended after about a month. Katie starts getting emotional when she speaks about Joey and Bridgette, and Dr. Drew does that thing where he awkwardly leans in all close to the girl and holds her hand.
She says that she likes jerks because her dad was kind of an jerk. Surprisingly, Dr. Drew doesn’t take the opportunity to dive into Katie’s daddy problems, which is typically his favorite thing to talk about. Instead, he brings out Joey, who’s sporting his best zip-up hoodie for the occasion.
He says that he’s a baller in Wyoming because he works in the coal mines. Dr. Drew’s face during this scene is pretty funny. The fashionable blazer he’s wearing during this episode probably costs twice what Joey makes in a month digging coal.
Next, Dr. Drew carts out Luci, Katie’s mom. Apparently, Joey doesn’t exactly love Luci (see what I did there?) because they haven’t spoken since the drag-out fight we saw play out on the TV. Luci comes out and says that she’s not very happy that Katie is giving Joey another shot.
Katie says that she wishes her mom and Joey would let go of their anger, and that her mom doesn’t know how to start fresh.
That’s when Luci gets the “Guuuuuurl, no you did not” look on her face and decides to play the prison wife card. She tells Katie that she had to start fresh when her husband went to prison and left her with three kids to raise.
“Tell me about starting fresh–go there with me!” she says, while death-staring her daughter.
Well…this is awkward.
Dr. Drew decides to jump in with his, “Well you know, pregnancy and all this mess is 100 percent preventable…” line, before heading to a commercial break.
Prepare yourselves, kiddies. We are about to witness what is possibly the greatest moment in reality TV reunion history.
Next Dr. Drew brings up Briana. First we watch her trashbag of a “journey,” which includes The Great Papichulo Caper and Briana’s mom trying to smash a vase over Devoin‘s head.
Dr. Drew decides to get personal and ask Briana if she’s doing the sexy-time with her secret lover, Jacob. (Nope, nothing awkward about this at all…)
She says she has an IUD so she could get freaky without having to worry about a baby popping from her loins in nine months and Drew seems to be happy about that.
Briana says her mom “doesn’t like me doing certain
people things” and that she doesn’t want her to date. Drew moves right along to Devoin, who, as Briana tells us, is still a loser that doesn’t spend time or money on his daughter. (I, for one, am shocked.)
Next they wheel out Devoin, who is already dressed in black and white stripes (and ready for admittance into any county jail!) He says that he wants to come see Nova, but it’s hard to go over to “ya baby mama’s mama house” to see your daughter. That’s probably especially when your baby mama’s mama likes to throw vases at your head!
Drew brings up the time that Devoin couldn’t even take care of Nova for an hour, and Devoin argues that it shouldn’t be held against him because he hadn’t see the kid in like a month and she was sick.
Um…..?! Seriously, I just can’t with this creep-goblin…
Briana says she never asks Devoin to come over to see Nova, to which Drew says that she really should ask him if she wants him there. Then it starts getting crazy. Briana brings up the fact that Devoin doesn’t even know anything about his daughter, and that the one time he actually bought her something, it was a pair of Jordan shoes that were way too big for her.
“She don’t need shoes!” Briana wails. “She don’t!”
And clearly Briana “don’t” have an easy time passing English 101.
Devoin brings up that he doesn’t know what kind of milk his baby drinks.
“She drinks whole milk!” Briana yells. “She don’t drink formula no more!”
Briana is clearly frustrated and tells Devoin to take his deadbeat ass off the stage. But Drew knows that he needs Devoin to stay for better ratings, so he decides to sit in between them.
That’s when things start to get good…
Briana says that Devoin doesn’t know Nova, and Devoin decides to bring up the fact that on Briana’s 16 and Pregnant episode, she didn’t know anything about taking care of the baby. (WTF? Um, where were you during that time, Devoin? Out getting High! High! with assorted street hooligans while Briana tried to take care of the kid alone.)
Of course, that pisses of Briana’s sister, Brittany, who has been watching the scene from backstage. She charges like a bull onto the stage yelling that Devoin “don’t do nuffin’ for her!” Brittany gets up in Devoin’s face and he yells out, “What are we on ‘Jerry Springer’ now?”
That could possibly be the only witty thing this kid has said all season.
You know things are serious because for the first time ever, the set security comes into the shot and pulls Devoin away from Brittany. Drew is standing in between them. (You can tell knows a fight is a’brewin’ because he stands to the side where he’ll be able to watch the brawl but not get blood splatter on his clothes.)
Brittany keeps screaming, “Do something! I dare ya ass to do something!” One security guard (who kind of looks like Bruno Mars) is holding Brittany back, while a giant wall of a man pulls Devoin backstage. Both Devoin and Brittany are trying to lunge at each other, neaturally.
Meanwhile, Briana and Brittany’s mom, Roxanne, charges out, whips off her red pump (YESSSS!) raises it up and tries to chase Devoin.
Does anyone else feel like this scene was created by the reality TV gods just for The Ashley?
Unfortunately, Roxanne isn’t able to pummel Devoin with her pump because he’s already been pulled off the stage. Roxy looks ready to charge back there and beat the beJesus out of him but another stagehand holds her back. (Let her go! This will be the only interesting part of this whole season!)
Dr. Drew doesn’t even have a chance to pitch one of the many teen pregnancy websites before they fade the scene to black for a commercial break. It’s actually better that way. You really do need a moment to reflect on all the trashiness we just witnessed.
After a quick commercial break, Drew sits down with the three Dejesus women. (I’m sure Devoin was strapped down to a chair in MTV jail during this time.) Brittany justifies her actions because Devoin is a deadbeat and shouldn’t be talking crap on her sister! Roxanne says that they have all tried to get Devoin to be more involved in Nova’s life but he refuses. (Briana insists that her mom has even “texteded” him to try to get him to come over.)
After the conversation about Devoin gets stale, Drew brings up Briana’s not-so-secret lover, Jacobbbb. Brittany says she still has no use for him, one of the reasons being that she thinks he distracts Briana from Nova. In fact, Brittany claims that there have been times where Nova has been crying and Briana is too busy to tend to her because she’s “texteding” Jacobbb sweet nothings. (I can only imagine what those Hooked-on-Phonics-esque texts would look like: “I Luv U Jacobbbb Cuz U R Nice 2 me 4Eva.”)
Next the doctor turns the tables on Brittany, asking her if she has a boyfriend. Brittany says that she does; however they are not having sex because she’s “legit scared of s**t happening and stuff.”
Drew then asks her if she ever got around to getting that pap smear.
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL ARE WE WATCHING, YOU GUYS!?
They cart the girls off the stage and bring up Devoin, who apologizes for getting so angry. He says it’s mostly because Briana’s a bad co-parent and that her family gangs up on him. Devoin says he’d like to be able to bring Nova to his house and have his mom help raise her. After all, he says, his mama “done raised” four kids. (If the rest of them are anything like this specimen of a man sitting in front of us, that’s not really something to brag about…just sayin’.)
He tells Drew that in the very near future, he plans to establish paternity, get visitation and start paying child support. (It’s been over a year since this was filmed and –shockingly!–he has yet to do anything but get his hooligan butt thrown in jail. I.Am.Shocked.)
With that, Drew throws in one more “prevent pregnancy” pitch and it’s time to wrap things up. (No pun intended.)
Since we don’t know if the show will be picked up for a second season, this may be the last ‘Teen Mom 3’ recap that The Ashley ever does. Until next time, try not to get yourself concussed and stop fighting with your baby mamas on Twitter, everyone!
(To read the first part of this reunion recap, which features Alex and Mackenzie, click here!)