‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 5 Premiere Recap: Abortions & Adam-Hating

Teen Mom 2 Season 5 Cast

Teen Mom 2 is back! Although the show almost got canceled back when one of its stars, Jenelle Evans, was too busy getting “HIGH! HIGH!” the MTV Gods have once again shined down on us and sent us a brand new, Barbara Evans-packed season!

We kick things off with Jenelle, appropriately. She tells us how she got “a lot of counseling” after breaking things off with Kieffa. However, that counseling must not have been very effective, because she soon jumped into a relationship with another “loosa boooooooyfriend,” Courtland Rogers. Ol’ Courty took a page out of the Kieffa Mooching Handbook, and basically used Jenelle for her MTV money, all while they both got “HIGH! HIGH! HIGH!” And then they got married. As you do.

Courtland and Jenelle, a true love story.
Courtland and Jenelle, a true love story.

It’s actually totally amazing that they were able to cram like eight months of trainwreckdom into a cute 30-second summary complete with cartoon unicorns and what not.

We start off with Juh-nelle leaving jail after getting arrested with Courtland for drug possession. Court’s still in the clink, but Jenelle was able to get herself bailed out. (Maybe she had her pal Tori sell off all those hair feathers she bought for that Ke$ha concert to pay the bond?)

Teen Mom 2
“I’m only talking to you because Tori’s in jail/rehab/at the  clinic.”

She’s back to living at Casa de Barb and is trying her best to stay sober. Jenelle’s pal Taylor comes by to talk. We’ve never seen this Taylor chick before. Where’s Tori!? It’s just not an episode of ‘Teen Mom 2′ without Tori’s typical dead-behind-the-eyes stare. Anyway, Taylor serves her purpose and asks all the typical MTV-required questions to move the plot along: “How do you like stayin’ with your mom?” “Are you gonna go back to Courtland?” etc.

“I’m really happy that I’m not on heroin anymore,” Jenelle tells Taylor. (Who hasn’t told their gal pal this at some point or another, right?)

Jenelle says she’s so mad that she married someone that she “didn’t think thoroughly.” (Um…) She then tells her pal that she went to the doctor and was denied a chest X-ray because she is, once again, with child.

Let’s hold up here a sec: in one five-minute segment we’ve addressed Jenelle’s heroin use, quickie marriage, arrest and pregnancy. I’m exhausted already. I’m about ready to curl up with a goblet of wine and some doughboys and have myself a nap. Alas, we must keep going down this rabbit hole. After all, we don’t yet even know what God-forsaken color Chelsea‘s hair is going to be.

Back to Jenelle’s pregnancy. This is the first pregnancy shown on ‘Teen Mom 2’ that is not an illegitimate pregnancy. Jenelle actually conceived this spawn in wedlock. Isn’t it ironic…don’t ya think?

Jenelle says that she can’t believe she’s pregnant and is upset that she didn’t make Courty put a bun on his hotdog. To be fair, they were probably both in a MTV money-funded drug stupor at the time so she shouldn’t be too hard on herself. She says that she is planning to have an abortion and that Babs is driving her up to the doctor to fetch one of them there abortion pills.

Leah's house is literally crawling with kids...
Leah’s house is literally crawling with kids…

Next we check in with Leah, who, in the time since we last saw her, also gave birth to a child (in wedlock! We’re two for two!) She is now the mother to three young girls: Ali, Aleeah and the new baby, Adalynn Faith. Corey has also moved on and is planning to marry his girlfriend, Miranda, the next day.

Leah’s house has basically been transformed into a giant Chuck E. Cheese, with kids running everywhere and toys scattered throughout. I feel like I need to bathe in hand sanitizer after just watching this scene. Somehow, Leah manages to find a few minutes to sneak away with her pal Kayla (who, since we saw her last has gotten herself a spiffy Miley Cyrus haircut) to chat.

teen mom 2
“I can’t believe I’m still doing this crap five years later.”

Kayla asks how Ali is doing, and Leah explains that she was recently diagnosed with a rare form of muscular dystrophy that will progress as she gets older and bigger. However, Leah vows to keep Ali as independent as possible.

They skip right on over to the topic of Corey’s wedding, which Leah says she’s happy about.

So..many…weddings….Seriously, I’ve been to like three weddings in my whole life. Leah and Corey’s twins have already been in three of just their parents’ weddings! If I knew these people, I’d be over at the Dollar Tree buying wedding/bridal shower/Sorry your wife cheated greeting cards by the cart-full!

"I wanna skin people and stuff. Wait, that can't be right..."
“I wanna skin people and stuff. Wait, that can’t be right…”

Next we drop in on Chelsea, who tells us that she only lasted a few weeks in beauty school before dropping out. Her baby-daddy, Adam, has done quite well for himself since we last saw him: he got arrested for his third DUI and has managed to knock up yet another young girl! As…you…DO!

Chelsea says she is starting yet another new school this week so that she can “do skin…and stuff.” She tells her dad, Randy, all about her plan and he is understandably skeptical. After all, he’s probably had to do like 100 extra root canals just to pay for Chelsea’s last hairbrain scheme (pun intended) of being a hairstylist and doesn’t seemed thrilled to have to shell out even more cash to pay for her new school.

Next, they discuss how to explain Adam’s new spawn to Aubree. (Maybe just put her in front of the TV for a few hours and let her watch a marathon of Maury Povich? With all the “You are not the fathers!” and crazy family dynamics on that show, she’ll eventually get the idea. Hell, she may even come out thinking her family’s pretty tame!)

teen mom 2
Megan is probably really pretty under all that goop!

Chelsea’s pal, Megan, is back. She’s slapped on like three extra layers of foundation since we last saw her. She and Chelsea have also basically morphed into the same person: same hair, same makeup…it’s actually quite scary. Megan will be doing the skin care school with Chelsea and they are both unhappy that they will have to get up early now. Um…don’t you both have young kids? How the hell are you able to sleep in at all? Mimi from The Drew Carey Show Megan says she feels sorry for Chelsea to have to deal with Adam having another kid.

Finally we head over to Kail‘s place to see what’s new in her life. Javi has been stationed in Delaware, but Kail hasn’t been able to move with him because her baby-daddy, Jo, won’t allow his son to move with them. However, she’s got a lot more to worry about because….she’s pregnant.

It’s the day of her baby shower and she tells her friend Gigi that she never pictured herself to have two kids by two different dads. (Hell, that’s nothing compared to whatever Jenelle will eventually have racked up!)  However she’s happy that she did it the right way this time and got married before getting pregnant.

"I really wanna icepick you in the eye for saying that."
“I really wanna icepick you in the eye for saying that.”

The next day, Kail is nervous to see Jo because she recently filed a petition to move Isaac to Delaware with her. She goes over to Jo’s parent’s mansion and we see that he’s still the piss-and-vinegar-filled Jo that he was before. He tells Kail that she looks like she weighs the same as she did before getting pregnant. 

We also find out that Jo is planning to fight the petition, so there will be many more court date clips in our future!

Back at Leah’s, Corey has arrived to pick up the twins for his wedding. Aleeah says that it’s her wedding, to which Leah responds she has a long time before that happens. Yeah, at least 10 to 12 years!

Corey comes in and they discuss the wedding. Leah says she’s happy for him, and Corey says that he’s glad that they found two good people to be stepparents for the twins. I’m actually really blown away by how mature they are being. It seems like they’ve come a long way in their co-parenting since last season, which is great.

It’s time for the big wedding. Unfortunately, Miranda must have put a big “Do Not Enter” on the barn door before the wedding because MTV cameras weren’t allowed in. Instead, we have to see a slideshow of the wedding pics, which is disappointing. It looks like a cute down-home Southern wedding. Corey wore his best flannel shirt for the occasion and it appears they were hitched in hillbilly bliss.

You're not foolin' anyone, MTV!
You’re not foolin’ anyone, MTV!

The next day, the girls are at Corey and Miranda’s place. (No honeymoon? Surely Corey saved enough money from not renting a tux to take his bride to the town’s Best Western for the evening?)

It’s supposedly the day after the wedding; however, in the wedding photos, Miranda is platinum blond. “The next day” she is sporting two-toned dark and blond hair, so unless she spent her wedding night in Chelsea’s garage getting her hair done by Chels and Megan, they are totally lying about the timeline here. Great job as always with the editing, guys.

As Corey and Miranda discuss their wedding, Aleeah is busy dragging her head on the carpet. As you do.

Chelsea is finally starting to see Adam as the "stud" that he is...
Chelsea is finally starting to see Adam as the “stud” that he is…

Back in South Dakota, Chelsea is meeting with Adam to discuss everything. He walks into the restaurant looking like your average street thug, with a muscle tank and dark glasses. He’s full of one-word answers to all of Chelsea’s questions, except for when the topic of custody comes up. Adam says he “f**king pays child support and stuff” so he should get more time with Aubree.

He threatens to take Chelsea to court and says that Chelsea keeps Aubree from him. Chelsea says that it’s Adam who doesn’t want to be around his daughter, except to pretend he’s a good dad.

Later, Chelsea picks up Megan and says she doesn’t even know Adam anymore and that she doesn’t want to have to deal with his crazy ass for the rest of her life. Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies. Crazy lasts forever.

She goes to pick up Aubree at South Dee-ko-tah Mary’s house. Mary is legit wearing an “I <3 South Dakota” tee that’s just to die for. Seriously, I want one so bad.

Over in North Carolina, Jenelle is fixin’ to head down to Ye Olde Abortion Clinic to get the pill that will remove the Spawn of Courtland from her uterus. To help Jenelle get her mind off of things, Babs tries to get her to look at Jace’s new “school pictas.” Aww, perfect. They will look great hanging up on the wall next to Jenelle’s 12 mugshots!

Later, Babs is concerned about Jenelle’s “procedura” the next day, and is adamant that Jenelle get on birth control afterward. (Obviously, Jenelle didn’t take Babs’ advice!) Jenelle said that she would have been on birth control before, except that she had that pesky heroin addiction to pay for and there just wasn’t money in the budget for a Trojan Value Pack.

You gotta love Barbara, honestly. She’s always there to try to build Jenelle back up, no matter how bad she messes up. Plus, she makes doughboys and says funny things. #BabsForPresident

Since the clinic is a few hours away, Jenelle, Babs and Jace have decided to take a little abortion road trip. They are planning to spend the night near the clinic so Jenelle can be first in line to de-spawn herself. The next day, is the day of the “procedura” and Jace decides to go into a cussing frenzy, saying the F-word and the B-word. Babs and Jenelle are arguing over who taught him that. “We gotta come up with anotha word in its place,” Babs muses. Um…what’s wrong with Jace calling his daycare classmate “a bitch of a daughta”? Seems OK to me!

"Having an abortion is hard and stuff."
“Having an abortion is hard and stuff.”

Later, after taking the first dose of her abortion pill, Jenelle and the gang head home. Jenelle’s cranky that she has to put four pills in her mouth the next day and let them dissolve. Um….gurl, you were slamming heroin like a month ago. Let’s not get all butt-hurt about taking a couple of pills. That’s called Monday night at Kieffer’s place!

Meanwhile, Jace keeps saying the F-word so Jenelle says she’s going to put soap in his mouth. Jenelle says that she needs a break from Babs and Jace, to which Babs says, “You know what, Juh-nelle…” (My day has been made!) Babs is offended that she trekked all the way to the abortion clinic, paid for a hotel and supported Jenelle, only to be crapped on by her daughter without even a thank you. Jenelle calls her mom a bitch, and Babs is just done.

Season 5 Episode 1
“Mmm, fried vegetable-like item…”

Back in West Virginia, Leah and Jeremy are having a night out at the sports bar without the kids, and they discuss Corey’s wedding. Leah says that she and Corey could have tried harder to make their relationship work. (Um…that’s slightly awkward to say to your husband, right?) Jeremy says that he thanking God when he found out that Corey was engaged again because it meant that Corey would be bound in holy matrimony to another woman and would hopefully leave Leah alone.

Over in Pennsylvania, Kail meets up with her friend Peach. (Please tell me that’s not this chick’s actual name and she is using an alias because she doesn’t want her real name associated with this show.) They decide to go paint crap and talk about Kail’s pregnancy. Kail reveals that she took her birth control out when she got married so she wasn’t exactly surprised when she got pregnant again.

"I'm back, bitches!"
“I’m back, bitches!”

The episode ends on a pretty blah note, but the season seems like it will be jam-packed with goodness: new babies, custody battles, dating app romances, MORE pregnancies, possible divorces and even more abortions. Thank you, MTV, for bringing this goodness back into our lives!

To get ready for Tuesday’s episode, check out The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom 2′ Drinking Game!

(Photos: MTV)

16 Responses

  1. I agree with Kat. Kail started it with the whole weight thing…and can I just be honest here…she looks hideous. I know I know I know, pregnant women are beautiful, natural women gorgeous blah blah blah but seriously would it kill her to wash her face or do something with her hair. I’m embarrassed for her…and for crying out load, take your dog out of the cage if your home!! That’s borderline abuse (2nd episode comment)

  2. I really love your write ups. More fun than watching the show to be honest. I always read the “as you do” parts to hubs for a good laugh! I think Babs is the one who needs some counseling re enabling!

  3. Whose the 70’s mom wannabe country singer from Olan Mills pictured with the other lovely ladies of teen mom 2 above?

    1. hahaha I had to do a double take. Jenelle does look like she is trying out for the Dollywood Dixie Stampede.

  4. I would’ve been pissed at Jo for saying that if Kail hadn’t commented about his weight first. Sorry, but it serves her right for being bitchy for no reason.

    1. I thought the same thing. The first thing she did when she saw him is say “it looks like you have put on some weight” and backhanded his stomach. A very odd conversation starter if you are trying to be amicable.

      I didn’t really understand the insult towards her. He basically said she has not gained much weight with the pregnancy. Or I guess that she was fat before she was pregnant.. I don’t know. Either way, she was the rude one here.

    2. I agree Kat. Kail only got what she deserved. She started the weight thing. So we can’t be completely pissed at Jo, had she not said anything and he did.. well then yes.

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