Well kids, we made it to Week 2! Last week’s Season 5 premiere of Teen Mom 2 was quite the doozy: from abortions, to a plethora of pregnancies and even an appearance by our fearless leader, Barbara Evans, it was jam-packed with fun! It’s going to be hard to top last week’s episode’s drama level, unless of course, people start throwing chairs/shoes/full Diaper Genies at one another. Hey, this is ‘Teen Mom 2,’ that could totally happen.
Anyway, the episode kicks off over at Kail‘s place. As per usual, she and Jo are going to court the next day to duke it out over which state Isaac is going to live in.
Kail tells her husband Javi that she knows Jo’s lawyer is going to bring up that pesky physical fight she and Jo got into last season and is worried that they will try to make Kail look like an angry lunatic. (To her credit, at least she actually shows some emotion, good or bad. Jo is basically lifeless. Seriously, someone check his pulse. I’m almost certain he died somewhere around 2010 and they are just using one of those giant cardboard cutouts of him for this show.)
Kail’s mad that she is getting a bunch of crap from Jo for moving, even though the amount of time Jo gets with the kid isn’t changing. After all, Jo moved out of state without permission to create a New Jersey love nest for him and his gasmask-pot-smokin’ hussie, Vee, a while back and Kail said she kept her mouth shut.
Next we check in with Chelsea, who is getting ready to start her new school in a few days. She meets up with her faaaaabulous friend Landon at the coffee shop to talk about her new career venture. Landon is trying his best to be positive, and somehow manages to turn the ridiculous amount of times Chelsea has quit stuff into a positive thing, telling her that he feels like all the things she didn’t follow through with were preparing her for this. (Wow, he’s good! He must watch a lot of Dr. Phil.)
Landon, by the way, has some sort of rat tail during this scene. I’m really excited about that.
Chelsea and Landon are busy chatting away about how they will someday open their own salon and spa and do extensions, makeup, tanning…the works. Meanwhile, Aubree’s busy terrorizing the local coffee shop patrons, running around, scooting across the seats. She’s one step away from putting her toes in some poor guy’s latte when Chelsea finally comes over and scolds her. Aubree looks like she could give two craps about the scolding and Chelsea seems frustrated.
Adam, meanwhile, is chatting with his pregnant girlfriend, Taylor, about getting custody of Aubree. He says that he barely got to see her when she was younger. (Um…because you were too busy being in jail/getting drunk/impregnating teen girls/getting really bad tattoos!) They talk about going to court, and how things with the new baby will be easier because Taylor is less crazy than Chelsea.
Adam then gets all philosophical, talking about how he is so much smarter now, and how he made dumb decisions when he was 17 years old. Um…don’t be patting yourself on the back too much buddy. You have another teen girl pregnant and you spent some of her pregnancy in jail. You’re basically doing exactly what you did at 17, only with more tattoos and less hair.
Meanwhile, Leah and Jeremy have jam-packed the car with kids and are heading to Orlando for some fun in the sun. The twins are busy shrieking in the backseat until they finally arrive at the hotel. The next day, the twins change into their bikinis and Aleeah immediately starts stuffing her top with tissues. Oh Lordy…. 16 and Pregnant Season 18, here she comes! Jeremy, however, is less than thrilled but Leah takes a photo of Aleeah and her ample bosom. Next they go swimming and have a fun family day in the pool.
Over in North Carolina, Jenelle is still recovering from her pill abortion and Babs is concerned about her daughter’s health. Jace, of course, is just concerned about picking the right noun to pair the F word with. He decides to go with “F**kball,” a great choice. Babs, however, doesn’t appreciate Jace’s constant cussing and threatens to put a pickle in his mouth if he says it again. This scene is particularly awesome because Jenelle and Babs appear to be sharing a pink sweatset. Jenelle is wearing the hoodie, while Babs is sporting the sweat pants.
Jenelle may still be leaking abortion blood, but she still has to deal with the pending charges against her from her and Courtland‘s drug bust caper. She calls up her cutie-patootie lawyer, Dustin, to see what crazy-ass things she’s going to have to promise the judge this time to get her off the hook again. “How much jail time am I facing for the felony heroin charge?” she asks. (As you do.) He basically tells her she could go to jail for some major prison time. Or, as Jace would say, she’s f**ked.
Back in South Dakota, it’s Chelsea and Megan’s first day of school. They woke up late so they’re hustling to get ready for class. Seriously Megan should just give up. There’s no way she can schellac her face properly in a few minutes. The amount of makeup she wears could take hours to apply. Seriously, I bet one of those makeup artists on FaceOff could create a whole monster makeup in the time it takes Meg to just do her eyeshadow.
Anyway, Chelsea’s mad because Aubree isn’t listening to her and won’t wake up. She’s begging her to wake up and Aubree ain’t having it. She rumples into a ball on the floor and Chelsea picks her up and tries to brush Aubree’s hair. Again, Aubree’s not having it. (To be fair, I don’t really blame the kid…we all saw Chelsea’s attempts at doing hair during beauty school…I’d be terrified to put my mop in Chelsea’s hand’s too.)
The girls are running super-late and Aubree’s doing her best to push Chelsea’s buttons. After she dumps her off, the girls head to the school to learn how to skin people. Their instructor seems like a real interesting cat. First, her name is Karma (yes) and she’s a waxin’, spray -tannin’, facial teachin’ firecracker. Karma’s assistant Beckah wants to know what all the girls’ favorite dessert is. Chelsea says she has a good feeling about this.
Over in Pennsylvania, it’s time for court! Kail and her lawyer meet up with Jo and his lawyer at the court. Jo and his lawyer show up looking like mafia bosses in suits. Unfortunately, there was some sort of “mix up” that will prolong the case even more. Kail is stressing over the whole situation. Jo, however, doesn’t seem too worried. Plus, his lawyer’s kind of a dick.
A few days later, Jo comes to Kail’s place to deliver Isaac. They barely exchange a few grunts during the pass-off and later, Kail calls Javi to let him know that there is no end in sight for the court case.
Back at Casa de Barb, Babs reminds Jenelle that having a felony charge against her will “ruin ya life foreva.” Ah, Babs. We can always count on you to remain positive. Jenelle says that she really wants all these felony drug charges to be behind her because she just had the abortion and she wants to start fresh.
Let’s take a moment to just process that sentence, shall we?
Babs, of course, has heard this lil song and dance number from her daughter before and is skeptical to say the least that Jenelle will change. She suggests getting a “paaaahrt time job” to meet people (re: people not on heroin). Jenelle, however, assures her mom that she is actually meeting people. In fact, she met a guy online recently! What could possibly go wrong with this?!
“Anotha guy online?” Babs yaps. Jenelle puts her mom’s fears aside and tells her, don’t worry, we met through a dating app so we are basically perfect for each other. Yes, folks. That just happened. A dating app!? Why didn’t you say so! Let’s get that Neil Warren Whatever guy from EHarmony.com over here right now to marry you two crazy Internet-lovin’ cats!
Babs reminds Jenelle that she’s still married to Courtland. Jenelle insists she’s not married…oh wait. OK, she is married but she it’s OK because she is separated.
Babs says that she shouldn’t already be looking for another guy so soon. Jenelle insists she’s not really looking for a new guy…that it just kind of fell in her lap, after she downloaded the dating app and spent hours prowling the Internets looking for a guy that likes Ke$ha, paaaartyin’ and the occasional weekend stay in the county pen.
Jenelle says that she’s been talking to this guy for over a month but hasn’t met him yet. Babs says that he “could be a serial killa!” to which Jenelle just laughs. I mean, she dated Kieffer and Courtland previously…a serial killer might actually be a step up. At least he would probably shower.
Jenelle tells her mom that the guy, Nathan, is an underwear model that works and goes to college. Babs is the best— she just blurts out, “And he wants to meet you?!” (Oh, Babs, I heart you so!) Jenelle seems surprised too. Maybe he doesn’t have cable?
Back on Leah and Jeremy’s vacation, they take the twins to an amusement park, along with Leah’s mom Dawn. Ali’s not really having a good time at the theme park until Leah forces her to ride the giant dragon. (No that’s not some sick metaphor, it really is a giant dragon.)
At lunch, Leah discusses how hard it is for Ali to do some of the things that Aleeah can do. They’re stuffing in pizza and fried items as Leah starts talking about how Jeremy has to leave and go back to work after they get home. Leah realizes that she’s going to be stuck at home with three kids by herself and that kind of puts a damper on the pizza-eating fun.
Jenelle is heading out to get a post-abortion pedicure with Tori! (She is alive!) Jenelle fills her friend in on all the abortion/dating app fun that’s been happening in her life lately. (You know the Asian lady that’s doing her toes is totally going to talk crap on this chick as soon as they leave.) Jenelle said that she hates being alone and it would be easier if she had Jace. Tori, of course, tells her, “Don’t be ridiculous. You’d still want someone to bone,” and Jenelle basically agrees.
Why is Jenelle constantly wearing her hood this episode? She’s either trying to hide from Courtland/the law/Kieffa; let Babs give her a bowl cut with bangs or is trying to hide a new hair color so MTV can shoot scenes out of order. Whatever the reason it’s ever-present in this episode, the hood cannot hide how orange Jenelle’s face looks in this episode. Seriously, it’s so bad. We have not seen this level of orangeness since Chelsea during Season 2. Jenelle must have let Megan do her “skin.”
Jenelle admits she has major daddy issues and that she just wants to settle down with someone so that Jace will stop calling every random street youth he sees “Daddy.”
Over in South Dakota, Chelsea picks up Aubree from daycare and heads home. Chelsea’s dad Randy arrives to see how Chelsea’s first day of school went. Chelsea also tells Randy how Adam wants to take her to court, and Randy just rolls his eyes. Taking Chelsea to court would require Adam to actually put on a shirt with sleeves, and we all know that he just ain’t ready for that.
Randy assures Chelsea that Adam will not be able to take Aubree away from her because he’s a loser. Chelsea says that she doesn’t want Aubree to have a sibling. Sorry Chels, but that’s one thing Randy can’t fix for ya. She wails how she hates being mature and they end the segment with a photo of Chelsea being framed by blocks that spell out “FML.” Really? That really just happened, MTV?
Over in North Carolina, it’s time for Jenelle to meet her dating app dream man, Nathan. She’s dumped Jace off with Babs and heads over to some weird tropical mini golf place. Nathan regales us with his life story up until he got the dating app: he’s a former Marine who loves his family. He asks Jenelle what the most bizarre thing she’s ever done is. (Now we know he doesn’t have cable!)
Will Jenelle talk about the time she almost got thrown in the slammer because she refused to miss a Ke$ha concert? (I mean, she did get those feathers in her hair after all…) Or how about the time she met, married and got arrested with Courtland all within a month or so? This could take a while…
Nathan says the craziest thing he ever did was join the Marines. Oh, boy, buddy…you’re in for quite a treat…
She decides to go with the tale of how her and Kieffa ran off to New Jersey to do drugs. Nathan seems kind of scared. (They must not have a section on that dating app that you can check YES or NO if you’ve ever been addicted to any Schedule I substances. They should look into that.)
She assures him that she’s been sober from it since November, so seven months. (For those of you playing The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom 2’ drinking game at home, that does, indeed, count as a time stamp! This episode was filmed around June!)
Nathan says that he used to have an aunt “that was messed up on drugs…and stuff” so he totally gets the junkie lifestyle. He doesn’t seem to be put off by Jenelle’s former life (or the camera crew that’s constantly following her). They end the date by pouring water all over each other’s heads. As you do.
Finally, we check in with Leah one last time. She said that the stress of vacationing with three kids has been too much so she and Jeremy leave the kids with Jeremy’s mom so they can have some alone time. They talk about Ali’s disease and how it will progress. They have to go to the doctor to learn more about what’s going to happen to her. Leah is not happy that Jeremy won’t be there for her and the girls when he goes back to work.
“You don’t have to make $5,000 a week,” she tells him while trying to convince him to find another job. Wait–hold up! This dude who can barely string two coherent sentences together makes $5k a week laying pipes?! Excuse me while I go cry over my college degree and stack of bills…That’s $260,000 a year: for that kind of money I’ll lay pipes anywhere you want! Call me, West Virginia!
Leah’s still all huffy that her husband actually wants to work and support their family, including the two kids that aren’t even his! She seems a bit ungrateful and could really benefit from watching a marathon of Maury Povich, where men are doing whatever they can to get out of supporting the kids that are actually theirs!
She’s legit mad at Jeremy for wanting to go to work at a well-paying job to support the kids. Seriously!? Sure, he could take a job at the Tastee Freeze making $9 an hour, but then who’s going to pay for your fake nails and bleached blond hairdos? Think about it!
Next week, Jo and Kail fight, Chelsea and Adam flirt, Jenelle introduces yet another guy to Jace and Leah cries. So yeah, basically, business as usual.
Wanna read The Ashley‘s recap of last week’s episode of ‘Teen Mom 2?’ Click here!