‘Teen Mom 2’ Episode 5 Recap: California Dreaming & Baby Scheming

Oh they things you can do when you don’t have a job…

It’s time to break down another episode of Teen Mom 2! Hold on to your Mirenas because this episode’s a doozy!

We start off with Kail, who is tasting wedding cakes with her maid of honor, Peach. Javi isn’t able to attend the free-cake-eating festivities, but Kail says it doesn’t really matter because she’s basically going to get what she wants anyway.

The whole time this scene is on, I just keep thinking of that episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse brings home a box of wedding cake samples so that his family can help him choose his wedding cake flavor…and then Michelle does this.

michelle full house cake

Yeah, Michelle was a total dick.

Anyway, after the cake tasting, Kail ditches Peach to meet up with Javi. She tells them that they’ve chosen a “delish” pumpkin cake for their wedding. Javi could give two craps because he has even bigger news–they got the house they were looking at and they are officially homeowners…at 20. Excuse me while I go cry over my student loan bill and wrinkle cream.

OK, I’m back. Kail kills the good mood by informing Javi that good ol’ Jo is, once again, back to ruin their plans. A court date has been set up to discuss the custody of Isaac. (Luckily the court must have been able to work around Rappin’ Jo Jo’s rap tour schedule– Whew!) Kail says that Jo is fighting their move all together, which worries her because they will have to sell their new house.

"Seriously, will everyone quit it with all of this 'working' nonsense!"
“Seriously, will everyone quit it with all of this ‘working’ nonsense!”

Speaking of selling houses, we next swing over to West Virginia, where Leah is trying to figure out how to unload her new home in order to find a place better suited for Ali. Jeremy took a month-long job out of town so he sent his mother over there to help Leah take care of their litter.

Unfortunately, Leah has even more problems to worry about: her best friend Kayla (the one with the Japanese pop star bleached blond hair) apparently pulled “a Jenelle” and up and married a guy after a few months of dating. (Sadly, Kayla didn’t go to Olive Gaaaaardhan for her honeymoon like Jenelle and her hubby Courtland did.)

She is, however, going to be moving to Las Vegas, which is really far away from the West Virginia. Like, really far. In the time it would take Leah to pack up her broad and drive to Las Vegas, Chelsea could change her hair color twice and Jenelle could meet, move in and get arrested with a guy, and Leah would still not be there!

Naturally, the thought of losing her best friend (and constant ‘Teen Mom 2’ filming partner) is very scary for Leah. However, all Jeremy wants to talk about when he calls is where they are going to live when he gets back. Don’t worry– Leah has a great plan. She wants to buy a lot of land that currently has a double wide trailer on it. She plans to just move the whole rascally gang into the double wide for the time being. (Um…where the hell is Leah going to “warrrsh” the babies? They aren’t going to have one of them there basement bathtubs to “bath” in if they are living in a trailer.)

"Back to warshin' the babies in the rust tub!"
“Back to warshin’ the babies in the rust tub!”

Jeremy doesn’t seem to mind moving into the double wide. (I guess he figures they can take the kids ’round back and hose ’em off when they get dirty.) “It’s fine with me, ” he says. “A house is a house.” Umm…no, actually it’s a trailer. Just sayin’…

After they decide on what kind of rims to put on the wheels of their mobile home, Leah scolds Jeremy for not being around. She tells him that he’s missing their baby daughter, Addie, getting fat. Let’s hope she doesn’t get too big or they’ll have to be fixin’ to get a triple-wide! (Wait..is that even a thing? Help me.)

Next, we check in with Jenelle, who is taking Jace to a swim lesson while Barb is at work. Jace is still getting over a cold, so naturally the best thing to do is take him out and put him in a cold pool. But hey, the camera crew only comes once a month, so Jace is gonna have to just pop a few Baby Tylenol and suck it up.

Apparently it’s a private swimming instruction with Steve the Instructor. Jace looks scared but knows that he really has no choice but to hop in the water and get ‘er done. After the lesson, he tells Jenelle that he wants to stay with her instead of going home to Babs. Jenelle calls Babs and asks if she can take a sick Jace to a football game (while it’s raining outside, mind you). Luckily, our gal Babs is on the ball and tells Jenelle that her plan is just not going to happen.

Because you usually get handed huge wads of cash for doing absolutely nothing....
Because you usually get handed huge wads of cash for doing absolutely nothing….

Finally, we hop over to South Dakota and see what Chelsea is up to. She’s still in skin school and is learning a lot from Karma, the instructor with the Kate Gosselin haircut. After school, Chelsea tells Megan that, even though it was last week, she wants to do “something spontaneous” for her birthday.

She has come up with a brilliant plan to go spend the week in California because apparently that’s what you do when your ex-boyfriend is about to have a baby with some other broad.

She invites Megan to come with her and she immediately agrees. No one seems to worry about child care, the money it would cost for them to fly to and stay in California, but they do talk about how they are going to miss skin school. Luckily they “just happen” to have a few days of vacation coming up (at the end of August? Um…) so they decide that will be the perfect time for their California “mommy vacay.” (Yes, they really called it that.)

"By all means, blow off all your responsibilities and go to California. Here, take my credit card."
“By all means, blow off all your responsibilities and go to California. Here, take my credit card.”

Chelsea does realize that going on a “vacay” will require her to actually change out of her pajamas, at least for a little while, right?

Back in Pennsylvania, Kail and Javi are packing up their stuff to move to Delaware. They are keeping the move a secret so that Jo doesn’t find out. Isaac isn’t thrilled about the move, but Kail’s trying to make his room feel more at home.

Kail’s thrilled to be a home owner because it means that she will never again have to take something off the walls of her house if she doesn’t want to. I’m sure back when she was living with Smirnoff Suzi, the “decor” changed rather frequently. The color of the carpet probably changed each day, depending on which mixer Suzi used (and threw up) with her vodka.

Over in North Carolina, Jenelle comes home from Jace’s swim lesson and is tongue-mauled by Nathan when she walks in the door. She tells him about what happened with Jace and Barbara and Nathan says that obviously Babs is an idiot for not letting Jenelle bring a sick Jace to the rainy football game. He insists that Jenelle would be a great mom and that he wants to have kids with her because she will be getting ‘Teen Mom 2’ royalties for years because he’s in love with her.

"Don't worry, I'm totally reliable. I even have a Walgreens Rewards card."
“Don’t worry, I’m totally reliable. I even have a Walgreens Rewards card.”

Jenelle says that Nate would be a great dad and that they should probably try to have a baby now. Wait…what?!?!!? Please tell me my ears are filled with doughboys and I heard that wrong. They’ve been dating for a few months and decide that now would be a great time for Jenelle to get knocked up again, while Babs is raising Jace and Jenelle is technically still married to Courtland, the cold sore king?!


“I guess we’re not going to use protection anymore!” Jenelle says gleefully. Unfortunately, they are going to have to inform Barbara of their plan to procreate and are worried about what she’ll say.

Nathan does a downright embarrassingly bad impression of our Babs, asking “Juh-nelle why you havin’ anotha kid when ya can’t even take care of the one ya have.” (His Barbara impression actually sounds like a mix between Honey Boo Boo’s mom and Lionel Ritchie). Jenelle giggles and nods, knowing that her mom will actually say something like that when they tell her their plan.

So….why are you having another kid when you can’t even take care of the one you have?

"Are ya friggin' nuts?!"
“Are ya friggin’ nuts?!”

Naturally, they invite Jace and Babs out for ice cream. (Oh sure, fill Babs’ mouth up with Mint ‘n’ Chip so that she can’t squawk at your poor life choices.) Jenelle tells us that she feels like her life is getting back on track and that she wants to return to school “soon,” so it’s a perfect time to have another baby. (Just a wacky idea but why not return to school, get your degree and then have a baby?)


They pick their flavors and then sit Babs down. Nathan and Jenelle start to get all giggly and Barbara is wondering what these “jokahs” are laughing about. Barbara senses that she’s about to get some bad news. Nathan says that it’s not bad news…not for them, anyway. Babs looks like she knows what they’re about to tell her and just asks bluntly, “Ya pregnant?” Jenelle says no, to which Babs thanks the Baby Jesus in happiness.

Not so fast with that celebration, Babs…not so fast…

"Seriously? W...T..F... Maybe the cameraman will raise me."
“Seriously? W…T..F… Maybe the cameraman will raise me.”

Nathan informs her that he and Jenelle are trying to get pregnant and that he knows that she’s going to be with Jenelle for the rest of his life. “Oh my gaaawd, no!” Babs screeches in horror. Looks like our poor Babsy’s gonna be pulling double shifts at the Waaahl-maaart to try to pay for her bushel of illegitimate grandkids. Well, look at it this way, Babs. It could be Kieffa’s baby. Or Courtland’s. Those kids would have come out with track marks already on their forearms.

Anyway, Jenelle is busy telling Barbara how ready she is for another baby, all while her first kid, Jace, is desperately trying to get attention while playing unattended in the arcade. Babs says that she’s the only mother that Jace has ever known and that Jenelle is still really young to make this kind of commitment– again.

“Well I’m almost 22 years old now,” Jenelle says, to which Babs corrects her and says that she’s actually 21.

“Well I’ll be 22 in less than six month,” Jenelle protests.

I CAN’T! I CAN’T! Help me, Baby Jesus! I’m going into overload here! These Jenelle-isms are just killing me!

"Hahah suck on that for a while, Babs!"
“Hahah suck on that for a while, Babs!”

Babs realizes that she’s helpless to stop Nathan’s semen train, but insists that if they have a baby, it’s going to be their problem and not hers. The Barbara Inn is officially closed!

Meanwhile, Chelsea is sad to say goodbye to Aubree so that she can head to California for her “vacay.” As per usual, Randy comes over to help facilitate Chelsea’s hair-brained idea. (Um…where the heck is Megan’s kid? Did they just put him in a fenced yard and hope for the best?)

"I wonder what we can get MTV to pay for?"
“I wonder what we can get MTV to pay for?”

They arrive in Los Angeles and, after teasing their hair to Peggy Bundy-esque heights, set out to explore the City of Angels. They head to the Venice Boardwalk to buy bikini T-shirts and then Chelsea says they need to find roller blades. Um…maybe check 1995? I think those things went out of style right about when Michael Jackson diddled his first kid, no?

Fabio called and he wants his hair back, Brahhh!
Fabio called and he wants his hair back, Brahhh!

They head over to J’s Rentals and talk to Dustin, who is literally the guy everyone from South Dakota thinks they will meet in California. He’s got long hair, tanned skin, a muscle tee and a fondness for the word “dude.” As someone who has lived in Southern California all her life, The Ashley swears that they must have had to go to a talent agency to cast Dustin in the role of “Roller Blade Rental Guy” because no one here really looks like that. Seriously.

They get skates and then go screeching and skating down the beach walk, and after a minute or two Chelsea is already sitting down. I’m surprised…said no one ever.

"Does court have a happy hour by chance?"
“Does court have a happy hour by chance?”

While Chelsea’s blading beachside, Adam is meeting up with a collection of his hooligan friends at–where else?–a bar to talk about his new baby. Adam says that he’s ready to clean up his act now that he has his second kid coming. He starts singing his regular “I’m Going To Go To Court For Custody” song, and I get a wave of deja vu. Haven’t we already seen this scene like eight times in the past eight episodes?

Back at Leah’s, it’s time almost time to say goodbye Kayla. She comes over and instead of them talking about Kayla’s happy times– a wedding, a move–Leah once again turns the conversation on how bad her life sucks because she’s not going to have Kayla there to cry to when things get rough. Kayla’s been a bit player on ‘Teen Mom 2’ for like five years now–can’t Leah give her like two minutes in the spotlight?! Geez.

"I've been fixin' to shave, but I reckon I haven't."
“I’ve been fixin’ to shave, but I reckon I haven’t.”

Meanwhile, Corey goes to have a heart-to-heart with his dad, Jeff. Corey’s not happy about having to talk about Ali’s condition. (Can we instead focus on the fact that Corey’s beard is now literally eating his face these days?) Jeff tries to get Corey to face they fact that Ali may be in a wheelchair, but he is still clearly in denial over the whole thing.

Back in North Carolina, Jenelle continues her string of bad decisions by going to go see her ol’ pal, Tori. She’s sporting a freshly dyed head of stoplight red hair, which tells us she must be back on drugs because no one would leave their house looking like that if they were sober.

Anyway, Jenelle informs her friend that she is planning to get knocked up again. Even TORI knows that this is a bad decision. (Seriously, when Tori is questioning your decisions–it’s a bad, bad idea. This is the girl who thought it was a good idea to beat her friend on the head with drumsticks, mind you.)

Tori can barely hide her disbelief and brings up the fact that Jace might feel bad about her having a new kid. Jenelle insists that not only will he be OK with it, but he’ll probably be helping her with the new baby. Wait, so now Jace is raising the new baby? In the words of Babs, “Oh my gaaawhd!”

Things are always better when Tori makes an appearance.
Things are always better when Tori makes an appearance.

Tori brings up the fact that Jenelle just recently had an abortion and swore off men and having kids forever. And then she brings up the fact that Jenelle may end up being pregnant in jail. You just don’t get to have these kinds of conversations every day, do you? (Well, unless you’re friends with Jenelle, of course.)

In West Virginia, it’s time to say goodbye to Kayla for good. She ends her time on ‘Teen Mom 2’ with a long, tear-filled hug with Leah and the scene fades out.

Next week, everyone will be yelling. Kail is yelling at Jo about custody, Leah is yelling at Jeremy for being late and Chelsea is yelling at Adam for being a general douche. Oh yeah, and Jenelle gets knocked up…again.

(Photos: MTV)

13 Responses

  1. best part was when Tori looked at Jenelle with that “WTF” look on her face when she was talking about having a baby. She actually said what most of us are thinking, and Jenelle didn’t have a good answer for any of the questions.

  2. I am still in disbelief that Jenelle is pregnant again. I just can’t believe it. It always seems that the less you can care for a baby, the easier it will be to get pregnant… sad.

  3. I just don’t believe the scene where Javi slides Kail the key. Are we really to believe that she was NOT at settlement? That KAIL, being how she is, would allow Javi to buy the house on his own? Of course her MTV money bought that great house, a house much nicer than mine. Guess I should have been a teen mom…ugh.

    1. I highly doubt she “bought” that house. I’m guessing she “rented” that house and just wants people to believe she has a mortgage for some reason. Maybe if the Ashley can pull up public records to prove me wrong, but I sold real estate for 4 years (granted, not on Delaware and every state has different laws/rules) but usually it takes more than 3 days or less than a week to buy a house. I would like to declare this the “episode of liars” as it seemed all of these girls (except Leah) lie in some shape during this episode. Trust me.

      Ps-no one buys a house without looking at the inside. NO ONE!!!

      1. @Kayleigh– Kail and Javi did, indeed, buy the house. Of course, MTV edited it all together to make it look like it happened over a few days, but it was actually a months-long process! 🙂 -The Ashley

  4. I always LOVE these recaps!! But I did read somewhere, but can’t remember Megan doesn’t want her son on tv. He’s always with his dad.

  5. After watching this episode, I’m convinced that Tori is not now, nor was she ever, a friend of Jenelle! She is paid by MTV to question her. She didn’t even bother keeping the questioning “casual”, it was like she read it line for LINE! from what the producers gave her.

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