Strap on your poorly colored hair extensions and shellac yourself in some self-tanner from The Wal-Mart because it’s time for yet another episode of Teen Mom 2. Last week, the girls had themselves all wrapped up in assorted hi-jinks, so The Ashley can’t wait to see what they’re fixin’ to get into this week!
The episode starts in West Virginia, where Leah is preparing Ali for her very first day of school. Leah gets her youngin’ all scrubbed up and shiny, and then they all head out to Ali’s school. No one seems to be worried about where Aleeah and the baby are at this point (except for Ali, who at least mentions that her sister was left behind.) Hopefully a sound guy was willing to stay behind and keep an eye on the other kids.
In Delaware, Kail is feeling bad for dragging her husband into the bridesmaid drama and putting him in the middle. He likely spent the day cowering in the corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, whispering, “No more purple earrings. No more purple earrings.”
He finally emerges (wearing a Miley Cyrus shirt, naturally) and is willing to discuss The Great Earring Caper. Kail says that it’s weird for her to now have to listen to other people’s opinions because she only had her mom, Smirnoff Suzi, growing up. The only time she really had to compromise back then was when she was battling Suze for the last Capri Sun juice pack. (Hey, sometimes you run out of juice to mix your drink with and you have to steal it out of your kid’s lunchbox. Everyone does it…right?)
Meanwhile, in the Carolinas, Jenelle says it’s been a while since she’s seen Jace, what with the hour drive, the countless court cases and all the rabbit-esque humping she and Nathan are doing to get her knocked up again. She finally swings by Casa de Babs to complain about how she doesn’t have any friends. (Um…hello, what about your fresh-off-parole pal, Tori? Or that girl they hired to talk to you about your abortion? If those aren’t true friends, I don’t know who is!)
Babs says she’s worried about her daughta “havin’ anotha controllin’ relationship.” Jenelle insists that Nathan isn’t controlling; after all, Nathan allows her to do way more than Crusty Courtland did. I’m sorry, what? He allows her to do things?
The only person she should answer to is Babs because, well, Babs is the greatest person to ever walk around in a pair of sensible Dr. Scholl’s sandals. No man should ever “allow” you or not allow you to do anything– especially not some dude you’ve known for a month. W.T.F.
Babs tells Jenelle that she misses the days that they would sit around and talk at night. (Picture it– Babs fryin’ up a couple of doughboys, Jenelle admiring how nicely her court-mandated ankle bracelet shines in the moonlight, and mother and daughter giggling on the porch like a couple of school girls. Ahh, the good ol’ days!)
Jenelle says she doesn’t talk to her mom because, well, her life’s no longer in the crapper and she doesn’t need anything from Babs right now. Well, at least she’s honest! Babs says that even when Jenelle does come over, she only stays about 10 minutes and then she’s off back down the road on her way home to Underwear Boy. (To be fair, Babs, sometimes she’s there 20 minutes, if MTV needs her to redo some camera angles!)
Finally, we jump over to Chelsea’s place in South Dakota. She’s still angry that Adam kept Aubree at his house instead of his parents’ house but, as per usual with Chelsea, she hasn’t actually addressed the problem with them. Instead, she’s bitched to every single friend that has come over to her
landfill house about it.
They randomly decide to film Chelsea and Aubree fetching their mail. (Gee…I wonder why they decided to do this…wouldn’t it be weird if there was something that was integral to the plot of this episode in there?!)
As Aubree asks Chelsea for money (hmmm…asking a parent for money, I wonder where Aubree learned that!?) Chelsea opens a suspicious-looking envelope and, wouldn’t you know, it is something that’s integral to the plot! It turns out that Adam has finally made good on his four-year threat to take Chelsea to court for custody. She calls Randy, who tells her that they will do their best to object to Adam’s petition.
Other Chelsey shows up and moves the heap of clothes on the couch so she can sit down and look at the custody papers. Chelsea says that she just wants Adam to go away and leave them alone, since he’s basically just a useless lump of nothing.
“Like my dad?” Aubree asks.
InTheFace. When Adam finally rolls off the couch around 3 p.m. and watches this episode, hearing his daughter say that, unprompted, is gonna sting.
Meanwhile, it’s time for Kail’s baby doctor appointment. Her doctor is a weird mix of Bob Saget and Mr. Rogers and he is doing his best to work the camera. He’s oddly annunciating every word. Maybe he thinks if he does well on this show, he’ll have a shot at the next season of ‘The Real World.’ (Hey, they’ve done every other God-forsaken premise of that show, why not an “MD edition?”)
Anyway, while Dr. Hollywood is digging in between Kail’s legs, she asks him if she can keep her placenta so that she can eat it in a pill form. Even the doctor is creeped out about her wanting to eat her own insides, but he’s doing his best to “Dr. Drew it” and be as positive about it as possible. He says it’s not everyday that he has a patient that wants to snack on medical waste but, hey, whatever floats your boat.
He then advises her to find a new doctor because she now lives in another state. (He says that’s the reason he wants her to hit the bricks, but we all know he’s totally horrified at the thought of her mauling her placenta.)
Jenelle, meanwhile, is having her own insides removed. She had to have emergency surgery to remove her appendix. (She, however, isn’t planning on eating it, as far as we know.) Of course, no medical emergency on this show would be complete without a few people getting into a fight at the hospital. Apparently, Underwear Boy and Babs got into it while Jenelle was under the knife.
Trashbag Tori comes over to check on her friend (and most likely try to pilfer whatever prescription drugs Jenelle was prescribed after her surgery.) Jenelle regales her pal with the dramatic tale of her appendix surgery. She mentions that Babs wanted to talk taxes right before Jenelle went into surgery. (Hey, if Jenelle bites the big one while under anesthesia, Babs wants to know how to wire all that MTV money into her account!)
After Babs found out that Nathan was taking care of Jenelle post-surgery, she felt unwanted and threw a hissy fit. Jenelle plays us one of Babs’ voicemails (which starts off with “Well Juh-nelle…” This basically makes my entire day.) She says that Nathan is controlling and is basically just “a pretty boy Courtland.” Oh Babs, I couldn’t love ya more if I tried!
Right after the voicemail ends, Barb calls Jenelle again to report that she’s worried that Nathan is just using her for money. She says that Jenelle “better pay Dustin” because he’s been really good to her. And, you know, because you legally have to pay him for his services. Jenelle smirks at Barb’s suspicions and screams that Barb is dumb before hanging up on her.
Just then Nate comes home from “work” and Jenelle makes a point of telling him that Babs thinks he’s a bum. Nathan, of course, makes sure that the cameras catch him without a shirt. (“Call me, Hanes! I look great in a boxer brief!”)
Back in West Virginia, Ali’s first weeks of school have been a big success, and everyone continues to make a big fuss over her.
Corey’s dad (who’s wearing overalls, naturally) brings up the fact that maybe they should start paying attention to that other girl…what was her name, oh yeah, Aleeah. He then asks Corey if he’s ready to have another kid, and Corey looks like he’d rather be skinned alive than have another kid right now. Luckily, he doesn’t think his wife Miranda will be peeing out her Mirena any time soon so they should be good.
Meanwhile, Leah is Skyping with her pal Kayla, who is now living in Vegas. She shows off yet another new hairstyle (blond with caramel streaks, y’all!) Kayla brings up the fact that Aleeah may burn the house down if she doesn’t get some extra attention soon.
In South Dakota, Adam and one of his degenerate friends go to dinner to mooch free drinks off MTV and discuss how Chelsea still wants that white picket fence life with Adam. He says she’s heartbroken that he’s chosen to have that perfect American Dream life with Taylor instead of her.
Yes, I’m sure Chelsea will be crying her eyes out in five years as she watches Taylor work a double shift at the truck stop diner so that she can pay for Adam’s seventh Rogaine treatment. Tragic.
Randy and Chelsea have filed an objection to Adam’s visitation request, which means the whole gang will have to go to court to settle it. Chelsea wants him to have supervised visitation because Adam can’t even take care of himself for two days, let alone a kid. (I mean, two kids.) Chelsea feels bad that she gave Aubree such a crapsicle for a father, and she says she wishes she had thought of all this before she got pregnant at 16.
In Delaware, it’s time to go get Kail fitted for her wedding dress. Gigi asks the obvious question: why have a wedding when you’re super-pregnant? Kail says that she had no idea she was going to get knocked up back when she started planning the wedding. She says she kind of wishes she wasn’t preggo for her dream wedding, but it is what it is.
Gigi then brings up whether or not Kail should invite her mother to the big day. Kail says no way, which is probably a smart idea. (Not that I wouldn’t kind of enjoy watching a drunk Suzi go face-first into the punch bowl before trying to get everyone to join her in a lushed-up Electric Slide.)
They head into the bridal store and Kail puts her wedding dress on. The dress is really big, which Kail dislikes. She wants to make sure everyone knows that she’s “with child” and not just fat, so the seamstress goes to work.
In Carolina, Babs and Jace come over to see Jenelle, who is still on her death bed and recovering from her surgery. Jace is adorable and hands his mom some flowers while Jenelle shows Barb her scar. Barb asks her daughter if she’s worried about Courtland, who has just been sprung from the slammer. She reminds Juh-nelle that Courtland knows what kind of “cahr” Jenelle drives and that he has a tendency to try to run her off the road.
Nathan takes her warning as an excuse to start ripping on Babs. He brings up some of the things she said to Jenelle about him being a “loosa” and then rushes over to get a folder full of his check stubs to prove that he is actually employed.
Jenelle asks her to be positive or get out of her house. Babs chooses to leave and is mad that she drove two hours “fah nuthin’!” She curses and Nathan scolds her for using that word in his house.
Babs comes back like a chargin’ bull, and has a few more choice words for Nathan. He says that she shouldn’t be raising Jenelle’s child (well, he’s right there) and that it’s Babs’ fault that Jenelle got all doped up on heroin with her last “booooooyfriend.”
“I didn’t put a needle in hahr aaarhm!” Babs protests. Nate then accuses Barb of taking Jenelle’s son away, which pisses Barb off even more. “She was out paaaahrtyin’ with Tori every night!” she screams. (To be fair, sometimes she was off gettin’ “HIGH! HIGH!” with Kieffa.) They keep arguing like Jenelle isn’t even in the room. Barbara starts to sob and Jenelle kicks her out of the house. Barb makes sure to let Jace know that she was kicked out.
Barbara leaves, telling Nate “Ya betta not disrespect me again, ya sonna bitch!”
If only she had called him “Mista Disrespectful” my whole life would be complete.
Next week, Leah suggests that she and Jeremy go to counseling, Jenelle continues to fight with Babs, Adam tries to make his “couple DUIs” seem like no big deal and Kail deals with more wedding day stresses.
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!