Matching camo outfits. Taking drug tests in a fast food restaurant bathroom. Deciding whether to buy diapers or pot. From what The Ashley has heard about the latest episode of 16 and Pregnant, it’s got all the makings for the best recap ever! Let’s not wait another moment to get this hick parade started!
On this episode of ’16 and Pregnant,’ we meet Autumn, a Richmond, Virginia, girl that loves to party. (And by ‘party,’ she means she likes to go on down to Bubba’s daddy’s backyard and drink Natty Ice while her guy friends are fixin’ to light stuff on fire.) Autumn also enjoys spending time with her boyfriend, Dustin.
They like to curl up on a dirty Beautyrest mattress that was surely found ’round back of the Piggly Wiggly, and snuggle underneath a camouflage-print blanket. (While wearing their camo jackets in bed, naturally.) Just a warning guys: there’s no way The Ashley can be kind during this recap: these kids will take heavy fire because, well…I’m an assh**e.
Anyway, apparently Autumn and Dustin were doing a lot more than snuggling under those camo sheets: they’ve done made a baby, y’all! Autumn’s mama isn’t thrilled that this bumpkin deposited his man goo into her daughter’s vagina, especially because Autumn’s sister, Misty just became a [teen] mom herself! Two teen daughters pregnant before the age of 18? It sounds like Autumn’s mom should have sprung for cable so they could have watched MTV and learned how to not become ’16 and Pregnant.’
Once Autumn found out she was “with child,” she immediately stopped “partying” (a.k.a lighting things on fire) and starting focusing on “the school.” After all, there’s a child coming and someone is going to have get serious about their education if they want to pull in the big bucks as the Taco Bell Team Leader and, judging from what we’ve seen of Dustin, it sure as hell ain’t gonna be him. Shockingly, Dustin is sans job, and spends his days getting “HIGH! HIGH!” with his hillbilly pals. (Barbara Evans would have a field day with this degenerate!)
To let us know that Dustin does drugs, MTV draws a cartoon version of him that has crazy spiral eyes, with enlarged pupils that sometimes change to baby bottles. Yes. This seriously happened.
Anyway, even Dustin’s own [camo-wearing] mother thinks this baby is in trouble having Dustin as its father. During this scene, Dustin, his mom and Autumn are all wearing camouflage gear. While Dustin seems to be doing a decent job blending into a bush thanks to his camo jacket, it’s not going to help him escape the responsibilities of becoming a parent. He just wants to party while he can, y’all!
To pass the time, Autumn doodles on Dustin’s feet with markers and talks about all the stuff that’s been happening recently. “You ‘member when I told you I was pregnant?” she asks. Dustin does not ‘member. (There’s a shocker!)
Autumn says she held her pregnancy test up when they were on FaceTime on night. I’m sure that sentence made poor Steve Jobs roll over in his grave. And…hold up— how do these people own an Apple device that allows them to FaceTime? I would have bet my bottom dollar that they were “Boost Mobile” folk, buying minutes at The Walmart.
Anyway, Autumn discusses what her future will look like after she delivers Dustin’s spawn. She’s fixin’ to stay on “Home Bound” for the next three years of school. But before that, she’s done gonna push a baby “out her hoo-ha.” I’m sure Autumn’s “hoo-ha” will be just fine, provided that the hospital (or whatever tent city she delivers in) gives her enough camo-printed ice packs. She’s gotta have it all fixed by next year when Dustin drops another sperm into her and gets her knocked up again.
Autumn’s scared that Dustin’s partying will put a strain in their relationship. “I’m not gonna be high, but I’m gonna be buzzin’!” he declares. He does promise to stop partying “as much.” The next day he goes out to the fishin’ hole, leaving Autumn to attempt to set up the baby’s room (which is actually just the living room) by herself. She almost knocks herself unconscious while trying to open the playpen.
Her mother, Liz, is actually relishing in having Autumn home, since she used to be out partyin’ all the time before she got knocked up. They’re fixing up some Duncan Hines and chatting about how both of Liz’s daughters got pregnant at the same time. “I was like ‘Nuh-uh!” Liz says of the day that Autumn told her she was pregnant. (Apparently Liz didn’t stay in “Home Bound” long enough to strengthen her vocabulary.)
Liz tried to keep her daughter from getting pregnant. She says she had “the birth control” and gave Autumn pills, rings and everything. (Mama must have forgotten to tell Autumn where that ring goes. She was probably sporting a ring from Walgreens on her finger, wondering why her belly kept growing.) Autumn didn’t use the rings and things because she was worried it was making her fat. Good thing not taking that birth control solved that problem.
The next night, Liz and Autumn meet up with Dustin and his mom, Dee. Since it’s an important occasion (and MTV is footing the bill), they head to their town’s fanciest “ristorante.” (“Y’all, this here is fine dining– they’ve done got Parmesan cheese right on the table!”)
While Dustin is busy shoveling in all the free food, his mom tells the gang that she found a crib for the baby– for only $1! (What, did she have to pay the homeless guy that was sleeping in it behind the Walmart a buck to vacate it?)
Dustin promises that he will stop smoking in the house after the baby is born (um…) and that he won’t smoke pot around the kid either (UM!) and that he won’t hang out around the kid while he is HIGH HIGH! (UM!?!?!) This doesn’t set well with Dustin’s mama. “You are gonna make me get loud here in this restaurant!” she yells after she finds out that Dustin doesn’t plan to stop smoking pot. “You’re not even ready to be an ad-ult,” she tells him.
Does anyone else laugh when someone tries to sound fancy by saying “ad–ult” instead of “adult”? For some reason that always tickles me. It’s almost as bad as when someone calls it a “vaaase” instead of a vase.
However, Dustin’s mom seems to be smart: she wants Dustin to get a job to help pay to feed and clothe the baby, and quit smoking pot. Dustin’s unwilling, of course, which makes Autumn burst into tears once she realizes what a heap of crap she’s gotten herself into.
Dustin felt bad about making Autumn cry, so he goes to sonogram place with Autumn to look at the baby. Immediately, he points out the baby’s “nut sack.” (As you do.) Autumn squeals in delight as she observes her baby’s testicles and the sonogram woman smiles because she’s now got one hell of a story to tell her bridge club tomorrow.
The next day, they attempt to put together the $1 crib, but deem it too much of a “piece of crap” to put their child in. (They do, however, think that it would make a nice bed for the dog…um?) They head on down to the secondhand store to see about getting something to put their baby in. Dustin balks at the crib’s $69 price tag. “Whaddya want me to do, poop out money?!” he says. Autumn says that instead of having him spending his day attempting to defecate dollar bills, she’d rather him get an after-school job.
Back at Autumn’s house (which, by the way, has two old recliners in front of it. That must be the family’s patio furniture!) Autumn’s mom has put together a list of places that are so hard up for employees they may be willing to take on a big lump of useless like Dustin. Dustin doesn’t want to call any places to ask about employment. (Well, to be fair, he’s OK with calling, he just doesn’t want to say “My name is Dustin.” W.T.F.?)
Eventually, he does call someone and asks “Y’all hirin’?”He does this while chomping on an apple. “How old ya gotta be to work there?” he asks. Oh yes, they’ll just be lining up to snap this guy up.
He ends up getting hired at a local bike shop, miraculously. Despite his new found employment, Autumn’s sister, Misty is unwilling to accept that Dustin has changed. Misty tries to tell Autumn how hard parenting is going to be, just as Dustin calls and tells her that “the cops are comin’!” Apparently Dustin’s mom called the police on him because “there’s weed everywhere.” Misty smiles smugly and asks, “Still think he’s ready to be a dad?”
Apparently, Dustin’s mom sent the police away because Dustin said the pot wasn’t his. (Of course it wasn’t!) Autumn believes that Dustin isn’t smoking, but her mother has a suggestion to prove it. “Don’t they got the home drug test?” she asks. They go out and buy one and then invite Dustin to lunch at the local dinner to spring it on him. They ask him, hypothetically, if he would pass a drug test right now, if he were to take one and, of course, he says yes. Just then, Autumn pulls out the home drug test and announces that he needs to go on back to the bathroom and take it.
“Hell no!” he says, mouth full of free hamburger. “I can’t do that.” She keeps telling him, “Go take the test!” and he refuses, before finally agreeing to go take it. He emerges from the bathroom, pee cup in hand. He can’t figure out whether he failed or not, so he takes the pee cup and plops it on the table. ON.THE.TABLE. To everyone’s shock, he actually passed all of the tests.
To celebrate, Dustin legit takes a picture of the pee cup to mark this monumental occasion. He actually passed a drug test! While they are doing that, the owner of this diner is figuring out a way to set the place on fire. All the Lysol in the world isn’t going to clean away the shame of having this scene filmed at his restaurant, so he might as well torch the place.
Next, it’s time for Autumn to do a pregnancy belly mold. Seriously, do the producers of this show have stock in the company that makes these damn belly mold kits?! Must we be subjected to watching these girls turn their baby bumps into a white trash arts and crafts project on every single episode? What does one do with this belly mold after they make it? Hang it above the mantle? Well, these people probably will…
The belly mold always makes the girls go into labor, and Autumn is no exception. She starts having contractions while the mold is still on her belly, so she goes to the doctor. The doctor says he can feel the baby. “Wait, you can feel it?!” Dustin exclaims enthusiastically. “That’s crazzzzy, dawg!”
Did he really just call his child’s doctor “dawg”? AS. YOU. DO.
Autumn goes into labor and is having some very painful contractions. The doctor “dawg” busts out the Pitocin (YAY!) and things kick into high gear. She starts discussing how her vagina is ripping open, as her surprisingly classy looking other sister, Terry, looks on and makes a mental note to tie her tubes…and stop hanging out with her family.
Autumn’s about to push, so Dustin decides it’s a great time to take a nap…under a pot leaf blanket. Yes, kids, his baby is about to be brought into the world and the first thing it will see will be his dad napping under a marijuana blanket. At least that will prepare him for what’s to come, I guess.
He does wake up just in time to watch Autumn squat Baby Drake into the world. There are about 20 cameras on Autumn’s “hoo-ha” as the baby is pulled out. Next, she delivers the placenta, which Dustin declares to “look like a big ol’ brain.” Quick, Dust, put it on your head and see if you can get any brain juice from it. You need all the help you can get.
After four days in the hospital, it’s time to take Baby Drake home. Autumn makes Dustin change Drake’s dirty diaper and keeps yelling “tips” from the living room.
“Get under his balls! Move his balls around!” she tells him. Um…isn’t it an unspoken rule that if you are talking about a newborn’s boy parts, you don’t call them balls, but “privates” or “peepee” or at least “testicles.” I think of the private parts of a grown man with a potbelly and a five o’clock shadow when I hear “balls.”
The next week is brutal for Autumn, who is waking up at all hours of the night, trying to do school work and taking care of the baby. Dustin has been a no-show for most of it, and hasn’t spent any of his money on baby supplies. I.Am.Shocked. Autumn is mad because she was hoping to use some of the money to get her eyebrows done. “I’ll give you two dollars, fitty cent right now!” Dustin offers.
I seriously can’t even finish this recap because I’m laughing too hard…Someone give me some Pitocin so I can push through this!
The next month, a letter arrives from the insurance company, telling Autumn she owes $287 to pay for Drake’s circumcision. Autumn’s mom says they can’t afford it. Um…it isn’t exactly a choice. They can’t put the foreskin back on the baby’s weewee. Someone is going to have to pay the bill. <cough> MTV <cough> They’ve been paying for the d*cks on this show for years!
Autumn’s mom insists that, now that Dustin is working, he needs to pay child support. Autumn and her mom take Dustin out to eat again to discuss the money situation. He can’t stop shoveling in free fries long enough to explain what he bought for the baby. “Go buy a thing of diapers and a box of wipies every pay check,” she asks him. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, now you gotta put wipies in there too!?” Dustin cries.
“Give me $40 a week, and we’ll be fine,” she tells him.
“Well that’s two grams,” he says.
OF POT! TWO GRAMS OF POT! I mean, sure, let’s let the baby crap on the front lawn so we don’t have to buy diapers and have money for weed. I’d have a lien on this guy’s paychecks faster than Barbara Evans could say “HIGH! HIGH!”
Dustin pretends he was “joking” but Autumn is still threatening to make him pay child support. Dustin burps as an answer to her request.
It’s Valentine’s Day, and Autumn is celebrating by filing for child support. She’s upset that Dustin has changed so much since last year. They arrive at the law office, where they meet attorney Michael, who, of course, has a braided mini ponytail. He tells them that bringing the law into this is the only way to get Dustin to support his child. Autumn agrees, and later talks to Misty about how fed up with Dustin she is.
The next day, they file for support and later, Autumn takes the baby to visit Dustin. She tells him that she filed for child support and Dustin pretends he doesn’t hear her. “Your mommy is mean,” he tells Drake. He refuses to talk about the situation, and Autumn storms out of the house angry.
At the end, she tells us that everything changed when she got pregnant at 16. She applies for a job at a restaurant, and tells us that she doesn’t think she and Dustin will last. The best part of the whole episode is the end. Autumn gives very good advice to the young viewers, telling them to wait to have a baby, because, as we have seen on this show too many times, the relationships don’t last and you get stuck living with your parents forever. All kidding aside, I feel for Autumn and it appears that, despite being so young, she’s doing her best to be a good mom.
This may have been one of my favorite episodes of ’16 and Pregnant’…ever!
Until next time, kids!