The new season of The Bachelorette is now in full swing and, unfortunately, The Ashley has been unable to recap the last few episodes. Luckily, ABC decided to throw two episodes at her in one weekend, so, provided that watching four hours of this crappy show doesn’t kill her, The Ashley will do her best to recap the season here on out.
Tonight’s episode kicks off a two-night ‘Bachelorette’ extravaganza, which the previews promise to deliver a heavy dose of the show’s “must-haves.” These will include, but are not limited to, having Andi and one of her suitors dance awkwardly on a stage above the crowd at a concert, at least one romantical stroll on a beach, a random cameo from a 1990s pop group, and at least two people talking about how they are “finally putting themselves out there.”
For this episode, Chris Harrison informs Andi’s harem of dudes that they will be heading north to Santa Barbara for their dates! The guys do their best to act excited, but most of them have a confused look on their face and are trying to figure out if they need to use their passport to go to Santa Barbara. Cody looks especially confused. I’m pretty sure he’s gotten Santa Barbara confused with the North Pole.
The first date card goes to Nick, who is surprisingly honest and rational about the possibility that this broad will actually like him. “What are the actual odds of this working out,” he asks us, which is pretty awesome. He may have hair like Lil’ Orphan Annie, but at least he has a realistic outlook on this experience.
He meets up with Andi on a dock in Santa Barbara, and they go on a bike ride. Andi says she wanted to go on a normal date with Nick, and do something that she would normally do in “real life.” Um, girl, if I were you I’d be logging all the free helicopter time and yacht-sailing I could get my greedy little paws on. Because, as Nick told us, this is probably not going to work out anyway, so you might as well milk ABC’s adventure budget for all its worth!
They take a stroll on the beach and chat, while severely overusing the word “chill.” Meanwhile, the boys at the mansion are all talking crap on Nick. The guy that looks like Ryan Gosling’s Italian brother is especially skeptical that Andi will take a liking to Nick. Andrew says that because Nick doesn’t believe in “the process” he’s not going to make it through the date.
After a long hike, they have a sunset picnic at the top of a hill and Nick hits Andi with a compliment that would send any girl swooning…
“You have a great resume,” he tells her.
Seriously. When did this become an interview for a job at Chipotle?! Oh, honey…no.
For some reason, this doesn’t make Andi’s panties instantly drop. “That’s cute,” she tells him.
After we are forced to watch Catherine from Sean‘s season talk about how much she loves Suave hair products, we get to watch the rest of Andi and Nick’s date. I’m not sure which is more boring, actually.
They head to dinner at a courthouse. Nick is suited up in his best Members Only jacket for this occasion– with the collar popped up, natch. Andi straight-out asks how Nick is still single. (That’s basically a woman’s way of nicely asking how many restraining order he has had filed against him in the past.)
Nick says that he was once “engaged for, like, a minute” and that his failed relationships have taught him that he’s not very cool. (One look at that jacket and I could’ve told you that, buddy.) Still, I enjoy Nick’s negativity and willingness to call this show for what it is: total and utter BS. I find it romantic.
Andi apparently does too, because she decides to pin the date rose on his Members Only jacket, being careful not to pin down the popped up collar. He also gets a moonlit makeout session that Andi says gives her tingles.
Back at the Mansion, it’s time to hand out the card for the group date. Brian, Markel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Patrick, Andrew and Marcus will all be going on the group date (which I like to call “The Swordfight”) and, needless to say, they are not thrilled to be sharing a woman with a dozen or so dudes. The date card hints that they will be doing something music-related, which excites Bradley, the opera singer. He practices his singing the whole way to Santa Barbara. If that dude comes out of the limo alive, he should count that as a win.
The boys arrive in Santa Barbara and Patrick immediately runs over to Andi and hugs her. He then brags to the camera that he got “the first hug of the day.” Something tells me Patrick didn’t get a lot of attention (or action) growing up.
Andi explains that they are at a world-renowned classical music training center, so the guys assume they’ll be singing classical music. They then walk in and see three rando guys singing “I’ll Make Love to You.”
Yes, kids, the producers have dragged this 1990s love song about getting down with your boo out of retirement for this episode. Back in 1996, you couldn’t go to a skating rink or turn on your radio without hearing some lovesick guy dedicate this song to their “Pookie bear.”
One guy sees Boyz II Men and screams, “I knew it!” Wait…seriously? You seriously guessed that of all the things in the world you could do today that you’d be taking singing lessons alongside 10 other guys from a washed up group that hasn’t had a hit single since Clinton was in office? Interesting.
Anyway, Brian is coo-ing that Boyz II Men made him fall in love so many times during junior high. Another guy almost falls on his way up to the stage because, well…I guess he’s just klutzy. The Boyz don’t say anything, they just keep singing randomly all while the guys high-five each other. This is getting really weird.
If you grew up in the 1990s like The Ashley did, you probably realized that at least one of the Boyz is missing. The group used to have four guys in it. Maybe the producers could only afford the appearance fees for three of the guys in the group? Are we just not going to address the missing Boy?
Andi tells the guys that they will be performing the Boyz II Men hit “I’ll Make Love to You.” This should be good and nauseating. Bradley, the opera singer, is all warmed up and ready to sing, while the other guys groan about how annoying he is.
The group is broken up and each Boy takes a few guys to work with. Group 1 is just pathetic (seriously, like Kasey Kahl style of singing going on here). Bradley, of course, is trying his best to show off his singing skills. That’s probably because he looks like somebody’s 47 year-old uncle and this is his only chance to impress Andi. (Seriously, how old is he?!)
After lots of practice, Marquel tells us that he’s about to “serenade the sh*t” out of Andi. Tell her that, buddy. Women love it when you tell them that your singing will literally make them poop.
B2M then tells the guys that they’re performing a concert tonight. (Wait, seriously, people are actually still paying to see Boyz II Men? Are Kriss Kross and Monica opening for them?) Of course, the guys will all be performing at the concert as well.
They show the crowd, who all appear to be going crazy for Boyz II Men. (We all know the women are only screaming because they want to be shown on camera. They probably have no idea who the hell these people are.)
The guys get all dressed up, and with hundreds of iPhones pointed their way, the Bachelors make their way to the stage. Half of them are dressed like Dennis the Menace on Easter, with a backwards ballcap and a bowtie, while the other half are dressed like they are going on a job interview.
Bradley starts singing first, and, even though he’s supposed to be the opera singer, his voice is all creepy and wobbly. The rest of the guys join in and the cougars in the crowd are loving it. I especially love the people that have their kids in the crowd, listening to these guys sing about how they’re going to strip Andi naked and bone her. It’s fun for the whole family, y’all!
It’s a trainwreck as expected. Even one of the Boyz tells Andi that she should just leave and choose a life of solitude rather than be with any of these creepwaffles.
After the singing ends, they head to–where else?!– a hotel pool for a cocktail party. Andi says that this has been one of the best days of her life. She takes Cody aside and decides to mess with him a bit, telling him that some of the guys told her that he has a girlfriend. She’s terrible at this and tells him she’s joking within two seconds. She should have kept it going and pushed him dramatically in the pool. How lame.
Josh M., the pro baseball player, looks about ready to mount her during their alone time. Andi must like it because she gives him the rose. She tells the guys that she “wanted to throw him a bone.” Um, judging from that bulge in his pants I’m pretty sure he’s got that covered.
Back at the house, the remaining four guys are all sitting in the hot tub (together), waiting to see who will get the one-on-one date. The card goes to J.J., the pantsapreneur.
The next day is Andi’s one-on-one with J.J. He’s wearing his best mint-colored tight jeans, but I can’t really concentrate on that because I’m staring at his nipples, which are huge and poking through his thin T-shirt.
Andi tells J.J. that they are basically going to get suited up as old people and pretend that they are celebrating their 50th anniversary. Because, you know, that’s what you do on a first date. They have hair and makeup people aging them and eventually emerge as senior citizens. They go out to the boardwalk to see if they can “fool some people.”
For some reason, they both decide to have some really weird accents. Eventually, Andi starts sounding like the Crypt Keeper, which freaks out some emo kid in the park. Obviously, no one believes that they are really old people, but everyone is trying to figure out if they are on Candid Camera or just in a really bad YouTube prank video. (The fact that they are being followed by a giant production team is probably a tip-off to everyone that something isn’t right.)
The rest of the date is spent with Andi and J.J. making fun of the things that old people have to deal with– liver spots, how funny! They eventually clean up “to do some dinner.” J.J. tells Andi that he’s afraid he’ll end up alone because he’s too quirky. Andi says she loves how unique he is, and then gives him the rose.
Back at the Mansion, Ron has gotten his mitts on a cellphone somehow, and is speaking in a secret language into it and waving the cameramen away as he talks. No one knows what is going on, but it must be serious because he immediately goes upstairs to start packing. He announces to the guys that he’s leaving the house because a close friend passed away.
Dylan decides to unload to one of the other guys about how his brother overdosed and died from drugs. It’s totally random, like the producers were like…hey…we need to fill some time, let’s talk about your brother’s death. He says he can’t wait to tell Andi the story and bum her out.
The next night is the rose ceremony, and Andi brings up what happened with Ron. She somehow links Ron’s friend’s death to the fact that she is really here to find love. She said it put things in perspective for her.
Soon after, a bouquet of flowers arrives for Andi, interrupting her time with Eric. She opens the card and realizes that the flowers are from Nick. She’s grinning like a 1990s schoolgirl at a Boyz II Men concert, which makes Eric feel totally uncomfortable. She pulls Nick aside and thanks him for the flowers. She says that “this is real life, a guy gets you flowers in real life.” Obviously Andi’s never been married…
The flowers are a big hit and scores Nick some major points. They kiss (while Nick awkwardly keeps his arms behind his own back while she hugs him).
Meanwhile, J.J. decides to talk to Josh M. about how Andrew got a restaurant hostess’ number right in front of everyone else, and then bragged about it to the other guys. (Cameraman, where were you at during this?!) They decide to confront Andrew about this caper. They take him aside and ask him why he was such a douche, but Andrew ain’t having it. They bust out the ole “right reasons” quote but Andrew walks away from them and refuses to talk to them. They’re screaming “Man up!” while he slams the door in their face.
Josh M. and J.J. rally the other guys and convince them that Andrew’s not here for the “right reasons.” Andrew finally emerges from his room and is ready to talk, but now they’ve gotten about eight guys involved. Andrew says he was “handed” a phone number and that’s it. J.J. says he’s lying and that he did indeed brag about getting a number. Andrew is trying to tell everyone that they are delusional and that none of that happened. He says he’s now “ready to throw down.” Hold your protein shake, bro.
It’s time for Andi to make her cuts, so she goes away. The guys line up and Andi starts handing out flowers. She gives the first one to Marcus. Next, she gives roses to Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody and Patrick. Chris, Eric and Dylan also get roses, and it’s down to the final rose. She gives it to Andrew, which, of course, pisses all the guys off.
Leaving us tonight are Bradley the opera singer who’s sad because he “put himself out there” and Brett the hairstylist.
On the next episode, Andi and the guys head to Connecticut looking for love and romance. There will be trains, private concerts and a bunch of guys fighting like junior high girls.