It’s been a while since The Ashley has done a Bachelorette recap and, since we all know she doesn’t really have a life, she figured she’d devote her Monday night to watching this crap.
Anyway, this week Andi and the remaining six boys head to Brussels, Belgium, where they check into a giant hotel suite. While there are many rooms in the suite, I only see one bed in the whole place. Looks like it’s going to be a giant Belgian swordfight tonight, boys!
The guys are extra eager to get a rose this week because the four guys that remain will get to take Andi home to meet their families for the Hometown Dates next week. There will be one group date and two one-on-one dates this week. The guys, who are all oddly wearing the same hoodie sweatshirt–did Old Navy have a sample sale?–are not happy to hear that Marcus is getting the first one-on-one date. Josh straight out curses loudly when he realizes it’s not his name on the card. Classy, as always, bro.
Marcus and Andi head out into the streets to immerse themselves in “everyday life” in Belgium. (“Everyday life” that includes a giant production crew following you, an unlimited budget to buy souvenir crap with, and a camera on you at all times, of course.) Marcus tells Andi that he’s been busy “journaling” lately. (I guess there’s not much else to do when you’re stuck in a king bed with two smelly guys.)
Marcus tells Andi he’s in love with her, which makes Andi’s heart flutter. They order a bunch of food and wine, but leave it on the table. (The local Belgium street youths and assorted sewer rats will be thrilled!)
Next, we have to suffer through the weekly Suave haircare commercial. This time, they throw it all the way back to Jen Schefft. Seriously?! It’s bad enough we have to watch Catherine and Desiree pitch this crap, but now we have to watch some broad that hasn’t been on the show since Bush was in office hawk this stuff?! COME ON! (And, is it me, or are all the hairstyles that this dude does on these commercials really horrible? Last week we had to watch him put Desiree’s hair into a ponytail. Seriously, what happened to my life?)
After we sit through that horrorfest, we head back to Andi and Marcus’ date. They go to some sort of castle where they will have another dinner that they will not eat. They sit down and Marcus starts talking about his daddy issues. Apparently his pop split when he was a little boy, which left him with some major abandonment issues. He’s embarrassed to bring Andi home to a fatherless house. Also, Marcus says that his mom wasn’t a very good mother due to her own childhood. He then basically calls his mom out for being a child abuser. (Can’t wait to meet you next week, Ma!)
Back at home the guys are all sitting around (in their hoodies, natch) when dude-with-the-ponytail (How is it down to six and I still don’t know these guys’ names?) announces that Josh will get the second one-on-one. The rest of the schmucks are stuck going on a group date, which makes creepy Nick V. upset. It will be him, Brian, The Guy With No Eyes (a little help with the name, please?) and Ponytail all fighting to put their muscle in Andi’s Brussel.
After Marcus comes back from his date, Nick “slips out” (with a full camera crew in tow) to go see if he can find Andi. He approachs the front desk and says he “lost his room key” and says that the room is under his wife’s name, Andi Dorfman. They give him a key to her room…um!? Nope, nothing creepy about this.
He knocks on the door and she answers, in full evening attire– earrings and everything. God forbid he come to my room after hours. I’d be chilling in there looking like something that crawled out of a swamp–hair up, wearing sweatpants (most likely with a tear in the crotch) and no makeup.
OK, let’s talk about this for a minute. First of all, no hotel would ever give some random creepy dude the key to another guest’s room, if he wasn’t on the room reservation. Second, there’s no way her reservation is under her name– it was totally under the name of someone in production. Third, if Nick is allowed to do this, what’s stopping the other guys from getting completely creepy and doing the same thing. If I were Andi, I’d be expecting to find Ponytail Dude in my shower in a day or so.
I have two words: “Hello, Clarice.”
For some reason, Andi finds it incredibly sexy that this dude stalked her and tried to break into her hotel room. They end up making out by a lamppost…as you do.
The next day is Josh’s one-on-one with Andi. He’s got his nipples out in full force in preparation for the date. Andi tells him that they are in Ghent, one of the only cities in the country that wasn’t burned down in the war and Josh does his best to look impressed. Andi tells us that Josh has the personality that every girl likes–outgoing, suave. (She basically wants to say “douchey” but stops herself.)
All of a sudden, a line of geese starts marching out into the courtyard where they are, following as part of a little parade. They follow behind the geese and then sit on a ledge and eat pretzels. (Seriously, how much is this chick going to eat this week?! Every single scene, she’s stuffing something into her piehole!)
Later they go to an old church, where Andi lights a candle (probably praying Josh puts an undershirt under his sweater). After that they sit in the church and talk about how they feel about each other. Andi’s worried that Josh is just not feeling her because he won’t talk about if he loves her or not. He tells her that his family will be very happy to see him bringing a girl home.
Eventually he tells her that he digs her, which makes Andi feel good. He says that he won’t say “I love you” to a girl until he wants to marry her. He does say he’s “falling in love,” which kicks off a makeout fest in which Andi looks about one step away from unwrapping the Trojan UltraLite.
They keep kissing all over the castle/church thing and it gets misty. (I’m sure the production assistant that had to sit there with the smoke machine was just thrilled.)
Next they head to–what else?!–a concert where they dance in the middle of a courtyard while the other concert-goers stare at them. Business as usual…
The next day is the group date. The four guys meet Andi at some Belgian ruins and Nick wastes no time in complaining about having to go on a group date. All the other guys are making the best of it and are hoping to have a rose pinned onto their hoodie at the end of the date.
She tells them that they’ll all be pedaling a rail bike (one guy on each corner of the bike) while she lounges in a chair in the middle. The guys are all trying to outdo each other in their pedaling, and Andi keeps telling them to hurry up. Nothing says romance like manual labor.
They arrive at a monastery, where Andi tells them that there’s no kissing allowed on the grounds. Dun, dun, dun. No kissing? Well, let’s hope they have plenty of food to keep Andi’s mouth occupied during the trip. First, she takes Chris to a pottery barn that’s outside of the monastery and they do some pot-throwing. Of course, he comes behind her, “Ghost”-style and Andi’s loins start to quiver. They start to makeout, and throw clay at each other. Gag.
Afterward, Andi tells the guys that only one guy will get the rose and get to continue on the date. The rest of them will have to hit the bricks. That sends them all into a panic, and they all attempt to spend time away from the rest of the guys with Andi. While Ponytail is off with Andi, Nick rubs Chris and Brian the wrong way by talking about his game plan.
Brian tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her and that he can’t wait for her to meet his mom. Poor, poor Brian. We all know that he doesn’t have a prayer of making it out of Belgium with a rose. Nick, however, is positive that he will be one of the four that gets to bring Andi home. This, of course, doesn’t sit well with the other dudes.
During his alone time, Nick tells Andi that she’s falling in love with him. Yes, you read that right– she’s falling in love with him. I mean, who wouldn’t? Even though they aren’t allowed to kiss at the monastery, Nick is trying his hardest to get her to break the rules, but doesn’t kiss her.
Something he did obviously paid off because she ends up giving Nick the date rose, which means she will be going to his hometown. He tells us that her giving him the rose means that she’s in love with him. The other guys slunk away and talk crap on Nick as they leave. (Hey, at least they don’t have to pedal that stupid thing back home!)
Back at home, the guys continue to bash Nick, and soon Marcus and Josh join in on the bitch session. They are bitching so loud that they don’t hear Nick walk in and he catches them talking crap on him. He sits down with them and can sense the awkwardness. Josh starts to do the uncomfortable cough thingy to fill the silence and it starts getting really weird. No one is talking. Finally, Brian grows some balls and speaks up. He tells Nick it was a dick move for him to say he was for sure getting a hometown date.
Soon, the other guys join in and Marcus tells him that he doesn’t trust him because he knows everything there is to know about ‘The Bachelorette.’ They call him out for talking “strategy” and Nick denies that he’s there for the wrong reasons. Ugh…if there’s anything I hate worse than watching girls bitch at each other it’s watching guys bitch at each other.
Call me when someone is punching someone.
Mercifully, the guy brawl is finally over and it’s time for the rose ceremony. Andi arrives and tells us that she’s pretty sure she’s going to pick Marcus and Josh, but is still unsure which guy she will choose for the fourth hometown date. (Whoever she picks is undoubtedly going home next week, unless Josh’s mom is an ax murderer or something.)
Because they know they are on the chopping block, Chris, Brian and Ponytail Guy (who’s name is Dylan, apparently) all start to scramble and profess their love for Andi. Dylan starts telling Andi that he may be proposing to her in three weeks and she’s doing her best to pretend that there’s even a slight chance that will happen.
Brian is talking to Andi and all of a sudden Nick creeps over and steals her away from him. Um…you have a rose, bro! He keeps wondering why he has a target on his back. Um, it’s probably because you’re a dick. Just sayin’…
Later, Chris takes Andi outside for one last-ditch kiss. “You go, farmer!” she says of his brave move.
Finally, it’s time to give out some flowers. After dramatically descending the staircase, taking deep breaths and giving a cheesy speech, she hands the first rose to Josh. The next rose goes to Marcus (obviously) and finally it’s down to the last rose. She gives it to Chris, sending Brian and Dylan (Ponytail) packing.
The rejects are, of course, devastated. They say goodbye to the other guys and Josh gives Brian a big kiss on the cheek. (Um?!)
Andi is having a hard time watching Dylan walk away, and he’s a blubbering mess by the time he leaves the house. She then says goodbye to Brian, telling him “You’re so sweet.” Ouch. He walks out and hears the other guys laughing in the house. He kind of flips out, yelling, “Oh, that’s just great!” What? Did he expect them to bust out the creepy organ and play some funeral music to mourn his lost?
Next week, we meet the families of Josh, Chris, Marcus and Nick. This will also be the episode that the guys learn of Eric Hill’s death.
See you next week!
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