‘Bachelorette’ Andi Episode 8: Getting Cheesy on Hometown Dates

Josh always looks like he's posing for an Old Spice ad, no?
Josh always looks like he’s posing for an Old Spice ad, no?

It’s Hometown Date week! This is the week that us Bachelorette fans get to peek into the “real” lives of the guys we’ve been watching for the past eight-or-so weeks, like the creepy voyeurs that we are! Andi will be heading to the hometowns of the remaining four guys–amply nippled baseball player Josh, eyeless farmer Chris, that evil rascal Nick and…..um….who else is left? Oh, yeah the oft-forgotten Marcus.

The first hometown Andi will be jetting off to is glamorous Milwaukee, Wisconsin, hometown of Nick. We will finally get to see if Nick was, indeed, hatched in the depths of hell, as ABC has implied all season, because we are going to visit his home and meet his family!

Bachelorette
No.no.no.no.no.no.

Andi arrives and immediately the Wisconsin stereotypes are running rampant. Their first stop is to sample cheese. (Nothing says love like stinking like curdled milk all night, y’all!) Next they head to a local brewery that has prepared a beer specifically for the occasion. It’s called “Nick and Andi: The Perfect Brew.” (Seriously, how many of you cheeseheads did it take to come up with that name?)

After the producers somehow manage to incorporate polka into this cheesefest, it’s off to meet Nick’s family. We meet Nick’s mom, his dad and his ten siblings.

Is Nick’s last name Duggar? No, seriously…is it?

bachelorette
Why must there always be an open mouth!?

Andi explains to Nick’s little sister, Bella, when it’s OK for a girl to bone a guy she’s only been on a few dates with. (When it’s on-camera, of course!) The little girl straight out asks Andi if she’s in love with Nick, but Andi manages to avoid the question. However, when Nick talks to Bella later, Bella lies and says that Andi told her that she loves him.

Next, Nick talks to his mom, who looks damn good for popping out about 92 kids. He tells her that he’s in love with Andi and mom looks like she already knows the spot where she’s going to hang Andi’s portrait on the wall.

Andi
“I reckon this date may make the news all the way in Omaha!”

After Andi bids Nick and the Duggars farewell, she heads to meet up with Chris in Iowa. He lives out in the middle of nowhere. Like, she legit probably had to ride a burrow for two hours just to get there from the airport.

He lives in the tiny town of Arlington, which hasn’t seen this much excitement since The Great Tractor Pull of ’94. Andi and her camera crew surely caused quite a stir there.  Andi can barely even pretend to be excited to be there, but she decides to stick it out for a few hours for the sake of good TV. Chris takes her to his home, and she seems very impressed that he owns so much land.

farmer iowa
“Do you have corn in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Next, Chris plows the field (Not Andi’s, you sickos! That comes next week in the Fantasy Suites!) She sits on his lap while on the tractor and they do a little dry humping while Andi takes the reigns of the tractor and basically destroys all his crops.

Andi knows there’s no way in Holy Heehaw that she’d be willing to move to Iowa, but she still agrees to go meet Chris’ family. First, she asks Chris what she could do for a living if she were to choose him and he tells her that she could be a homemaker. Andi’s eyes basically glaze over when she hears that word. I hear Polly’s Pie Shop downtown is hiring!

hometown andi
You can’t see it but underneath those words it reads “Chris for Bachelor 2015!”

While they are sitting in an empty cornfield, she looks up and sees a “Chris Loves Andi” banner flying overhead. (I guess Chris’ Cousin Cletis must have gotten hold of a plane?) The gesture seems to have scored him some major points with Andi.

Next, they head to Chris’ Ma and Pa’s house. She realizes that, because there are only like 10 people in this town, she’d be spending basically every day with these people. Luckily, Chris’ family seems very welcoming, although they are trying to sell him to Andi hard.

They tell Andi that Chris is sensitive, hard-working, friendly. Just add in “thrifty” and “honest” and he’d be a Boy Scout. Come to think of it, he probably was one.

The mom starts getting kind of creepy, telling Andi how pretty she is, and how perfect she is for Chris. It’s actually getting rather awkward. She starts throwing out random thoughts: “Have kids—I’ll babysit,” “You’re beautiful so you’d make beautiful kids” and, of course, “There’s so much to do on a farm!” Andi seems a big overwhelmed by it all.

Next the sister suggests a quick game of hide ‘n’ go seek. No seriously. All the adults gather ‘round and play “Ghost in the Graveyard” which is basically just an excuse for Chris to hide in plain sight so that Andi can “find” him and make out with him.

"No I won't bang you in the dugout, Juan Pablo-style!"
“No I won’t bang you in the dugout, Juan Pablo-style!”

Next Andi heads to Josh’s hometown of Tampa, Florida. He says he’s “pumped” to bring Andi to Tampa and Andi tells us that her relationship with Josh scares her. Um, maybe it’s his powder blue leisure pants?

Josh suggests they head to the park to—take a guess—play some baseball. Josh says it’s really hard for him to pick up a bat and ball because he doesn’t play anymore. So…um…why did you take her to play baseball, genius? He says it was the first time he played in seven years, and it makes him get that “itch?” (Um..they have antibiotics for that, buddy.)

Bachelorette Josh
That awkward moment…you realize Andi throws a baseball better than former “pro” player Josh…

Josh says that he thought he was going to go pro and be in the hall of fame and everything, but left because he wanted to be there for Aaron, his brother. That and he couldn’t hack it, of course.

No one really talks about it but—if Josh hasn’t played baseball in seven years—how the hell does he pay for all those leisure shorts? He does know that he can’t just be a “Former Pro Baseball Player” forever, right? Even George Foreman got a gig making grills after he stopped fighting.

Aaron is a football player that’s trying to get drafted in the NFL and apparently he’s all that anyone cares about in Josh’s house. Josh (who in the house is known as “Aaron’s brother”) and Andi walk in and they meet Josh’ parents and siblings. He gets emotional when he gets to see his family. Josh also gets to reunite with his doggie Sable.

At dinner, Aaron makes the toast (of course), and then immediately starts talking about his football crap. (Does anyone else find it weird that Aaron made the toast and Aaron is sitting at the head of the table in his parents’ home?)

Andi starts to feel a little slighted when everyone keeps talking about Aaron instead of her. It’s all very “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!”

Baseball
Andi is obviously thrilled at the way the family idolizes Aaron.

Josh’s mom says that Josh probably will never “cut the cord” to his family, especially now that Aaron is going to play football. Then the dad comes up and mentions the fact that—in case you didn’t hear—Aaron may get drafted in a few weeks. He tells Andi that if she ends up with Josh, she better be ready for some football.

Next Andi sits down and talks to Josh’s sister, and she straight up tells Andi that there will probably be some fights between her and Josh about Aaron.

Josh’s mom says that when Josh and Andi end up together she’ll support them. The good thing about picking Josh is that you know he’d move wherever you wanted him to (and wherever you were paying the rent!)

Next, they all go out to the backyard to play some football. Of course, it’s actually just a bunch of hooligans running into each other on some grass.

Andi
This will continue to haunt my nightmares for years to come…

The next time we see Andi, she’s in Dallas to meet up with Marcus. He takes her through a typical day in his life, which includes a trip to some empty club. So…apparently Marcus just lurks around empty clubs all day? He then proceeds to take his clothes off (in memory of their first date). So….he’s a flasher? A male exotic dancer? Or just a guy with a really poor choice of date?

Marcus says he can’t wait to show off Andi to his family. He says that he’s only brought one other girl to meet his family, which makes Andi even more nervous. (Isn’t it going to be awkward for Andi to meet his mom, after he basically told her that his mom abused him throughout his childhood?)

They head to Marcus’ family’s house and immediately Marcus’ sister takes her aside to chat about how Marcus always had to be a caretaker in his family because their dad was a deadbeat.

hometown
“Does anyone else think it’s funny that I keep forgetting Marcus’ name? I just call him ‘Fourth Place!'”

Next, Andi meets up with Marcus’ mom and somehow manages not to bring up the beatings she gave Marcus. Mommy Dearest tells Andi that Marcus is normally a very reserved person, and that Marcus doesn’t usually open up to people.

At the end of the night, Marcus sits down with Andi and tells her that he loves her. (What? No banner flown overhead? Cheapskate.)

The next scene takes place at Chris Harrison’s LA home. All four guys have gathered and are wondering what the hell is going on. They all start to get sweaty, waiting for Andi. When she finally arrives, no one really says anything. She seems to know things are solemn, but doesn’t appear to have any idea why they’re all there.

Chris says that Eric Hill was in a serious accident and all the guys seem to know what’s coming. Andi and the guys are devastated and some of them begin to cry when Chris tells them that Eric passed away.  We also get a rare look at the crew, who set the cameras down (but leave them on, of course) and grieve along with Andi and the guys.

Andi is feeling really guilty about her last angry conversation with Eric, and everyone is very broken up. It’s not funny and definitely not something The Ashley would poke fun of, so we are going to just move on to the next scene.

The next night, the Very Special Episode continues, as the gang arrives at the Bachelor Mansion. Andi comes in first and chats with Chris Harrison about feeling guilty about continuing on and giving out roses after such a serious event occurred. She says she’s not prepared to cut a guy on top of all the emotions she’s feeling.

Andi
“Do you just want me to pick ’em for ya?”

Chris Harrison tells her that he knows and understands and then basically lines up the suitors and pushes Andi out there with a bunch of flowers. The show must go on, honey. There are hearts to be broken and, hey, someone’s got to go home blubbering in a limo.

The first rose goes to…no one. She stops before giving out the first flower and starts crying. Chris Harrison is on it to fetch her and bring her back to the ceremony. Josh, Marcus and Nick all start to look sad again, but Chris isn’t crying. (He has no eyes, how can he cry?)

Finally, Andi collects herself and presents the first rose to Josh. The next rose goes to Chris, which is somewhat of a surprise. It’s down to Nick and Marcus and Andi dramatically holds up the last rose like an alter boy holds a candle.

She presents it to Nick, while Marcus stands behind him, shocked. He says goodbye to the guys and it’s there that it starts to sink in that he’s not going to get to do the horizontal mambo with Andi in a Fantasy Suite next week. Oh, or marry her.

Andi explains that she knows he’d make a great husband but she isn’t falling in love with him like he is with her. Andi is crying, Marcus is crying and it’s all very exhausting.

He says he doesn’t know what to do without Andi because she was everything for him. Finally, it’s time to shovel Marcus into the pity limp. She gives him one last “it’s not you it’s me” for the road and sends him on his way.

Andi 2014
‘Waaa!”

Marcus says he feels like an idiot and that he regrets telling her that he loved her because it blew up in his face. (Actually, I think it was that creepy strip dance during Hometowns that did it, buddy.)

Next week, we have the mandatory beach dates (finally!) and helicopter dates. Of course, Andi is still scared of going into a Fantasy Suite with these dudes, considering the terrible experience she had with Juan Pablo last season. Who can blame her? That would scar a person for life!

Oh, PLEASE let there be a repeat of this next week!
Oh, PLEASE let there be a repeat of this next week!

Wanna read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘The Bachelorette?’ Click here!

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