‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 5B Episode 1 Recap: Baby Boys & Breaking Makeup Laws

Teen Mom 2 Kaiser
“We’re back…with more babies!”

Just when you thought you had said your final goodbyes to the girls of Teen Mom 2, the reality TV gods (and the MTV execs that realized what a goldmine this sh*tshow is) have decided to gift us with an entirely new season! While they aren’t calling this Season 6 (for reasons The Ashley explained a while back), that’s essentially what it is, with a bunch of new episodes that follow the lives of Chelsea Houska, Kail Lowry, Leah Calvert and Jenelle Evans.

Anyway, let’s get started. The faster we blow through Leah, Kail and Chelsea’s parts, the faster we get to Babs!

South Dakota
Bets on how long it will take Adam to crash his motorcycle right through the front of this place?

The episode starts off with a quick recap of last season’s drama. We start off with Chelsea, who tells us that she was able to get a loan to buy a house. I’m sorry, whaaaat? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are endless banks that are just lining up to loan a pile of money to a single young girl who didn’t have a job until about a month ago, but WTF?

The Ashley is happy that Chelsea was smart and used her MTV money to buy a house rather than “the weed” but, come on! Let’s call a spade a spade. She got the house because of her ‘Teen Mom 2’ money.

How many other single teen moms can just buy a big  house, no problem? They really need to have one of those disclaimers running at the bottom of this episode, like the ones they have for diet pills. “Results not typical. Most teen moms can expect to live with their parents until they are 30. You should have called MTV when you found out you were knocked up. Sucks for you”

Anyway, until her palace is ready, she’s staying with her dad, Randy. They discuss the mischief that Aubree’s father has been getting in lately. Apparently Adam, that fearless felon, decided to hightail it down the highway at 100 miles an hour and blindside two poor little old people going on their Sunday drive. (Hey, he had no choice! The liquor stores were going to close in a few minutes!) Adam’s car burst into flames and he was pulled from the wreckage by a person passing by (who apparently hadn’t see the episode of 16 and Pregnant where he calls baby Aubree “a mistake.”)

Randy reminds Chelsea that, had Aubree been in the car with Adam, she probably wouldn’t have escaped alive, which frightens Chelsea. Aubree isn’t allowed to drive in Adam’s car because of the accident, and Adam is facing jail time for what he did.

Next, we check in with Kail, who is exhausted from raising both kids. Jo comes to pick up Isaac and sees Kail holding baby Lincoln. “Is that Lincoln?” he asks Kail. Um..no, Jo. It’s just some kid she found while shopping at Babies ‘R’ Us. She saw him in the shopping cart and just had to have him.

Rapper
“He’ll be fine as soon as I start rapping for him!”

Isaac doesn’t want to go to Jo’s house because he wants to stay with Kail and Javi. Jo offers to put Kail in the trunk and take her with them to New Jersey. (Ummmm? Are ya gonna hog-tie her to, Jo? I love the look Javi gives Jo when he says that.)

Isaac is still reluctant to go, but they eventually convince him to go with Jo. Afterward, they talk about how awkward it is that Isaac doesn’t want to go with his dad.

Next, we see what Leah’s been up to since we last saw her. We immediately notice that Aleeah has gained a new name on her “ripped paper thingy.” She is now “Aleeah Grace.” Her middle name was undoubtedly added because millions of ‘Teen Mom 2’ fan have been wondering for five seasons who the hell this Grace kid is that Leah is always talking about. So there you go.

Anyway, both Leah and Jeremy took new jobs. Leah is working at a tanning salon and Jeremy is working closer to home, so that he doesn’t have to leave his family for weeks at a time. (This, of course, was one of the causes of his marital problems with Leah and, of course, what led to The Great Bacon Caper of last season.)

Leah and Jeremy
“If we all sleep in here I’ll only have to wash one set of sheets, y’all!”

Leah awkwardly crawls into Baby Adalynn’s crib, as does Jeremy. (Good Lord they make those things strong these days! Well, kids are getting fatter so it makes sense.) They use their crib meeting to talk crap on Corey, who hasn’t put in any effort to get Ali her new wheelchair.

Finally we check in with Jenelle (and Babs!) She’s still legally married to Courtland, the Cold Sore King, because North Carolina doesn’t allow people to divorce until they’ve been separated for a year. Of course, Jenelle isn’t one to wait to do anything so she says she “wanted to start a family right away” with her new boyfriend, Nathan. (I would love to be there at the table when the guy that has to write the girls’ voice-over scripts was trying to figure out a nice way to tackle this hot mess!)

Teen Mom 2
“IAnd I thought my life was a mess!”

Jenelle, who is now very pregnant, is back to being friends with Amber. Jenelle quickly fills her in on the last months’ events, and Amber looks like her head is spinning as Jenelle is explaining how great of dad Nathan will be, despite his recent arrest, the fact that he’s controlling, has three DUIs and doesn’t have custody of his existing daughter.

It sounds like he’s been taking parenting classes from Chelsea’s baby daddy, Adam. But, come on guys, what guy doesn’t have a few DUIs on his record?

I’m sure whatever North Carolina hooligan Amber found to father her child is no prize, so if she’s concerned about Jenelle’s choice of baby-daddy, you know it’s probably bad.

Jenelle was also arrested recently, so both her and Nathan are facing jail time. Jenelle doesn’t seem all that concerned. Nothing starts a baby off right in life by having it take its first breath while behind bars. That’s really a Kodak moment there.

Over in South Dakota, Adam is watching his second daughter, Paislee, while at his friend’s house. He’s sporting a big ol’ gash on his head (which actually makes him look better because it covers the large bald spots on his head.) He tells his friend that he was not at fault for the accident. In fact, he says that the old couple T-boned him while he was going through an intersection on a green light.

teen mom 2
“OMG….and stuff”

Meanwhile, Chelsea is driving and tells Aubree that she has to grab the mail. We ‘Teen Mom 2’ fans know that if they show Chelsea getting the mail, that can only mean one of two things: The Custody Paper Fairy has dropped off papers from Adam or there’s something in there from “the law.” Those are the only reasons we ever see Chelsea fetching the mail.

(Those are the only reasons why footage of getting the mail is worthy of making it onto the show. Watching Chelsea sort through her bills with Randy’s name on them, her MAC cosmetic coupons and her correspondence from her Hair Color of the Month club isn’t exactly thrilling.)

Of course, it is a letter from “The Law.” Apparently Chelsea broke some South Dakota cosmetic laws when she helped her pal Landon pretty up some brides for a wedding. As a result, the higher ups on the cosmetic board of South Dakota (all of which I picture looking like the women of “Designing Women” for some reason) have decided to withhold Chelsea’s esthetician’s license. She panics and calls Landon, who agrees to meet her immediately to hash out a plan to get Chelsea’s license unfrozen.

teen mom 2014
“The Laws are after me!”

Landon’s sporting an interesting ‘do for the new season. His hair looks like a bleached blond bicycle helmet that’s teetering on the top of his head.

Soon, they get down to business to discuss what Chelsea should do. Apparently, Chelsea helping Landon with the wedding is a big no-no because she wasn’t licensed at the time. (She posted photos of her work all over Twitter and the Designing Women caught wind of it.)

Chelsea says that she can only get in trouble if they got paid. “Which…we…um, didn’t,” she says, super convincingly. Suuuuure, Chelsea. I’d probably believe you more if you said Landon was straight. Even Aubree could see that you’re lying.

In West Virginia, Leah and Corey are exchanging the kids, and Leah is trying her best to explain to Aleeah why Baby Addie has a different daddy than they do. (That’s a conversation that’s going to require a few hours and most likely Dr. Drew, Leah.) Afterward, Leah and Corey chat.

teen mom 2
This hairdo is right up there with Chelsea’s Top Ramen hair of 2011.

OK, we are gonna need to talk about that hair for a moment. Guuuuurl! Seriously. I’ve seen better hair on Barbie dolls that were being sold at the thrift store. The odd layers, the brutally cut bangs, the long and stringy strands. Seriously, did Ray Charles come back from the dead and start cutting hair in West Virginia? Honey, no. Maybe that’s why Chelsea is in trouble–was she the one that did this to Leah’s hair? Well, then, that makes sense.

Next they discuss Ali’s wheelchair, which Corey says is taking a long time to get from the insurance company. Corey tells Leah that Ali is very aware of the fact that she has muscular dystrophy, and that she told him she couldn’t do a lot of things because of it. This, of course, horrifies Leah. Corey said Ali has a defeated attitude, and Leah says that they have to keep encouraging her to do things she thinks she can’t.

Episode 1
“These are Jaclyn Smith fashions, y’all!”

Next it’s back to Jenelle’s house. She and Nathan get into their brand-new bright yellow Hummer (um…2003 called and they want their car back, guys) and head to the doctor’s office to find out the sex of the baby in Jenelle’s belly.

They are about to have, like, their own family, Jenelle says, and she’s hoping the baby is a girl. Nathan wants a boy, and the sonogram lady wants to show off that brand-new red turtleneck she just bought over at the K-Mart. She’s turning to the camera at every possible angle to ensure maximum turtleneck-exposure.

Finally, it’s time to go back to the sonogram room and take our first look at the spawn of Nathan and Jenelle. The sonogram lady squirts the gel all over Jenelle’s stomach tattoos and later reveals “It’s a boy!” Nathan is helpful by pointing out the baby’s penis and butt (thanks). The Ashley would just like to go on record and say that, even though the baby is a boy, Jenelle and Nathan should still consider “Babs Jr.” for its name. It’s only right.

Afterward, they head to Casa de Babs, where they are greeted with Babs’ trusty bellow of, “Oh, hi Juh-nelle!” (It rings like a symphony to The Ashley’s ears! She’s been waiting months to hear that cackle!)

Mr. Burns Teen Mom 2
Just sayin’….

Nathan picks Jace up, calls him fat (as you do), and then tells him that he’s going to find out if he’s getting a baby brother or sister. Jace seems thrilled. The house is overflowing with kids and pets. There’s a new dog and another grandchild that’s been dumped on our gal Babs. (He’s the son of Jenelle’s sister, Ashleigh, who is nowhere to be found.)

"Oh great, more graaaandkids!"
“Oh great, more graaaandkids!”

Jenelle gives Babs some sonogram photos, and immediately Babs points out the baby’s penis. “Oh boy!” she screams jovially. Nathan announces that they plan to name the baby Kaiser. “Kaisah?! That’s like a beeeer, isn’t it?” she screeches. Nathan tries to bust out his “smarts” by informing Babs that Kaiser is “Anglo-Saxan or German” for ’emperor.’

Uh-oh. Somebody has been using all of the free time they’ve had since they quit their job to use their Hooked on Phonics tapes!

“Emporah?” Babs replies, before asking Jenelle and Nathan what the hell they plan to do when the “Emporah” is born.

Jenelle informs her that she wants to become a medical clinical technician. (Well, I’ll say this for her, Jenelle certainly knows her way around “the clinic,” what with all the drug tests and abortions, so this is probably a good move on her part.) Nathan, of course, is on disability.

I’m sorry, whaaat? When did he become disabled? He was working last season, so in the course of a few months off he suddenly became unable to work, yet has enough money to buy a new Hummer? I’m so confused right now. Maybe Nathan can see if Corey’s insurance company will pay for a wheelchair for him too, so he doesn’t have to exert any energy at all.

Teen Mom 2
“What do you want me to do, get a job?!”

Jenelle says that Nathan is OK with being a “stay-at-home dad.” (I’m sure he is!) While they are discussing the possibility of Nathan going to jail, Jace is busy destroying the couch cushions. (I’m fairly certain he is trying to smother his baby cousin. This should bode well for Baby Kaiser.)

“Like, I can’t not be away from another one of my childs,” he tells Babs. (He honestly said that. It’s a direct quote!)

They aren’t too worried about the jail stuff because, later, they do a fun photoshoot in which they use blue paint to reveal to everyone that Jenelle’s having a boy. They are squirting paint at each other while a photographer snaps away. Jace, meanwhile, seems to be the only sensible person in the group, and is already sensing that this whole thing is a very, very bad idea.

"Maybe Barbara will babysit so we can both go to the grocery store?"
“Maybe Barbara will babysit so we can both go to the grocery store?”

Back in Delaware, Kail is overwhelmed and needs to go grocery shopping, which means leaving both kids with Javi. Both kids need to be bathed and Javi and Kail start arguing about it. Can we just take a moment to appreciate the bear suit Baby Lincoln is wearing right now?! O.M.G. That’s possibly the cutest thing The Ashley has ever seen.

Isaac tells Kail to stop yelling at Lincoln’s daddy, but the fighting continues. Javi doesn’t want to watch both kids, but Kail isn’t having it. They continue to yell at each other, but we never get to find out what happened. Did Javi watch the kids? Did Kail take Lincoln to the grocery store? Did they just send a production assistant from MTV to fetch their Hot Pockets and applesauce? We may never know.

The next day, they try to give each other some space. Kail’s friend, Princess Peach arrives with a pizza to talk about how Javi doesn’t help much with Lincoln. Apparently, Javi isn’t too keen on baby duty and would rather go play with Isaac than deal with diapers and spit-up. Kail says that this is effecting her marriage.

Teen Mom 2
“Make sure you tell ‘The Laws’ that I’m disabled!”

In South Carolina, Jenelle and Nathan are meeting with their lawyers to see how much jail time they will have to do. The law firm is called the “Lovely Law Firm.” I kind of love this. It’s like those nail salons that are called “Precious Nails” or something. (Yes, I know that the lawyers’ last name is Lovely but…don’t spoil this for me.)

The lawyers say that “the laws” are going to dismiss Jenelle’s charges, but Nathan has to plead guilty to driving under suspension, which means he’ll have to do 90-120 days in jail. He says he’s worried about the resisting arrest charge, because he wasn’t resisting. The lawyer straight-out tells Nathan he acted like an assh0le during the arrest. (Mrs. Lovely, you’re awesome!) She also calls him out for having a drinking problem, because he already has three DUIs.

Teen Mom 2 Kail
Lincoln in a bear suit makes any situation better.

In Delaware, Lincoln’s back in the bear suit, and Kail and Javi are talking about their fighting. Javi says Kail has gotten really mean, but she argues that she’s frustrated because she’s home with the kids all the time. Kail says that she didn’t exactly have the best examples of marriages while she was growing up. (Hey– the fact that she’s not throwing empty liquor bottles at her husband like Smirnoff Suzi undoubtedly did is a step towards progress!)

Kail says she doesn’t think they’re happy in their marriage, but Javi disagrees.

The episode ends, and we don’t even get a sneak peek of next week, because MTV uses the time to try to pitch its stupid new virgin show!

Grr….

Until next week, kids! Try not to practice cosmetic services without a license until then!

(Photos: MTV/FOX)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

22 Comments

  1. You completely forgot to mention the best part of this episode. Adam is talking to his friend about how the media has gotten it all wrong about his wreck. The “old people” hit him he did nothing.


  2. You forgot to mention Leah’s makeup, yikes!! And how the hell would Chelsea be able to get a loan without working at the same job for at least 6 months, and 20% down? Just admit you used Daddy or Teen Mom money, you didn’t get a loan. How long before she’s moving to a new house? Girl loves to move


  3. I cannot even tell you how hard I laughed at your account of what happened on TM2 last week. I literally thought all of those things myself! Kail- shut up, you are, yes, a raging bitch who is not satisfied with anything. Javi says Kail has gotten really mean? How about always was mean but the Punanni had him all googly and willing to ignore the meaness that is Kail before… If Kail did not want to potentially be responsible solely (as she is out of state with no friends/family and he IS in the military) for the children, then she should have thought about that before. I loved Jo’s comment about putting her in the trunk. LMAO! Leah’s hair? Ugh also LMAO. I guess now that they are in counseling too that means everything will work out undoubtedly and they will stay married forever! Hooray (SARCASM)! FINALLY someone (the lawyer) calls out Nathan’s dumb ass. I too think Kaiser is a ridiculous name no matter the meaning… I swear the ONLY reason they did that is so they can sound smart when people ask about the ridiculous name and where it originates from. And COME ON Joanne- he may have PTSD and if he really does, I feel bad for him but let’s face it. This PTSD only “occurs” when it’s convenient. And their Hummer is just… so last decade. And Chelsea? You lying was not believable. And Adam? Of COURSE the accident was not your fault! Just like the 3 DUI’s! right?


    1. Using PTSD as an excuse really pisses me off. My husband has PTSD from two tours, and he still works and is a productive member of society with ZERO DUIs. And PTSD is one of the most faked disabilities. I can name a dozen people who have claimed PTSD and have received disability for it, and you know what they say they have PTSD from? Being bullied at cosmetology school, but when a veteran legitimately has it they are usually denied from what I’ve seen in my husbands unit. And did you see the article where Nathan lied about some of his awards from the marines? I don’t believe a word that comes out of his douchey mouth


  4. Ashley- did you notice the bong in the bathroom when jenelle was getting ready to go find out the sex of the baby? Woah!


  5. Irresponsible Janelle is absolutely the LAST person who should be reproducing—sorry, J., but your life is so wonky and unstable. Every time you get with a guy, you think you have to “start a family”….and what happened? One baby is being raised by your mom, one was “eliminated”, and this new one? Take a look at Dad and Mom; ’nuff said.


  6. Your comments about Nathans disabilities are seriously out of line.If you watched the last finale with Dr.Drew you would know he has a brain injury and PTSD from his service in the military.The brain injury is also a major factor in his not having custody of his little girl who lives with her mothers parents.


    1. You can’t fight mma or play football with a TBI, which he does without concern. He clearly does not have one. He was working just fine before he knocked up his sugar mama. Oh and he lost custody because he drove drunk with his daughter in the car. He is a dirtbag and abusing the system.


    2. There’s a huge difference between people who legitimately have these disabilities and those who abuse the system. My husband was actually injured in Afghanistan (shot in the knee) and while he does receive some disability, it in no way prohibits him from having a real job like everyone else.
      If Nathan truly suffers from PTSD as well as a serious brain injury, he should not be MMA fighting and putting himself in that kind of danger.
      I have more sympathy than most for those soldiers who actually suffer from these conditions but Nathan does not seem to one who suffers, but one who abuses the system.


      1. @Just My Opinion Thank you. I would hope my readers would know by know that I would never, ever make fun of a person for a disability. But, as you said, I have a hard time believing that Nathan, who up until he point that he met Jenelle was working and continues to MMA fight and play football, cannot work now.


    3. You are aware he has been caught lying about awards and other things during his four years in the Marines right? You really think he wouldn’t lie about something like PTSD? My husband has PTSD and suffered a TBI while in Afghanistan and he still works, and doesn’t talk about it. None of his joes from his unit he deployed with who have PTSD talk about it, it’s just something people with PTSD don’t do because of the stigma and other reasons. And they sure as hell don’t use it to their convince to try and get out of multiple DUIs or actually being a productive member of society.


  7. Does kail want people to feel sorry for her because she’s “home all the time with 2 kids”? Because I thought that’s what she wanted. And I know several people in the military, none of them are as available as Javi seems to be. Why is that? Is he reserves? Everytime I see Jace I just want to cry bc that boys future is gonna be sad as hell:(


    1. That’s exactly what I don’t understand either, the fact that she WANTED another child with Javi, fully knowing she would have to put up with him being away alot. And I don’t underatand how he is so avaible either but maybe they just happend to tape during a time when he was home.


  8. There is nothing wrong with KMART Ashley. Stop putting it down.

    Do you happen to know the address of Chelsea’s house or how much she paid for it? I found Jail’s & was surprised she spent about $220,000 & got such a nice place.

    Thanks for your run articles!

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