Welcome to another week of Bachelor In Paradise, where morals are low and the risk of contracting a communicable disease is high! Last week there was a whole heap of drama and crazy, and this week promises to be even better. (And by better I mean completely and embarrassingly worse for all involved.)
Anyway, the episode kicks off with Sarah, who is explaining why she chose to give her rose to Robert last week, instead of Dylan. She says she didn’t want any part of the creepy thing he had going on with Elise, so instead she chose to give her rose to Robert. So, basically, she would have probably given her rose to Saddam Hussein if it meant not getting involved in that hot mess. So Robert got the flower, but now she is starting to develop feelings for him.
Elise, meanwhile, is already over Dylan and has moved on to loving Chris. She tells us that she really wants to fall in love with him and that Chris is her new “rainbow.” I think they’re all completely insane.
All of a sudden, another Paradiser arrives at the house. It’s Danielle, whom you may remember as “Danielle the Mute” from Juan Pablo‘s season. This chick literally said three words during her time on The Bachelor, how the hell did she get on this show?
Anyway, she arrives with a date card and Michelle tells her to feel free to choose any of the guys to take on a date…except for Marquel. Danielle picks Marquel, of course. He accepts, which makes Michelle feel sad and rejected. Oh, Michelle, you have so much more to be sad about…
Michelle tells us that on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ you never know what can happen. Um, yeah, you pretty much do. The guys are going to be douchey and the girls are going to be slutty. That’s pretty much how it always goes.
A minute later, Michelle declares that she is “so over” Marquel and that she has set her sights on Robert now. Wait–what?! Can we viewers get some sort of flow chart to help us keep track of these “relationships?” They start and end so quickly that it gets confusing. (Actually, a hookup chart may come in handy later to determine fathers/STD carriers.)
Marquel and Danielle head out on their date. They fly over to another part of Mexico. Meanwhile, at the house, Elise has also been given a date card. She’s stoked but AshLee is all bitter because she wants to go on a date with Graham but has yet to get a card.
Elise goes to find the love of her life,
Dylan, er, Chris and ask him out on the date. She says that she chose him because “he really fought for her” last week. Um…he accepted your rose. It’s not like he battled the drug cartel to save you from a life of forced crime and bad outfits.
As soon as Elise leaves, Chris somehow manages to tear something in his knee. He’s really hurt and they have to call the medical team in to examine Chris’ knee. They spray some sort of Windex-like stuff on his leg but somehow that doesn’t seem to heal his injury. He’s determined to keep his date with Elise, despite his pain.
On their date, Marquel and Danielle visit a “hacienda” and Marquel decides to woo her by Moonwalking. (Now we know why this guy wasn’t picked by Andi.) They go swimming and Marquel asks Danielle why she picked him to go on the date. It’s then that she reveals that she “was hoping” he’d be on this show and that she’s been crushing on him since Andi’s season.
Danielle tells us that she’s worried that her revealing that would make Marquel think she was crazy. Oh, guuuurl. You’re going to have to up your creep factor big time if you want to be a player in this Creep Pool. You want creepy? Go get relationship tips from Elise.
Just then, the wind picks up and everyone frantically tries to get inside. Marquel is nearly struck by lightning, of course, but other than that, the date goes really well. (I think that’s the Baby Jesus’ way of telling you to get off Gonorrhea Island, Marquel!)
Elise says that she has placed all her hopes and dreams in Chris. She’s confident that he’s ready to marry her and make babies. She says that she will not let anything get in the way of them having an “amazing adventure.” Lacy and Marcus talk about whether or not Elise will sleep with Chris on their overnight date. I’ve got my money on them humping in the car before they even get to the airport.
They fly to another part of Mexico and Elise says she’s excited to experience such a “magical” one-on-one date. Chris, of course, is still in agony because of his knee, but he’s willing to look past his pain if it means he gets to unpeel all that spandex off of Elise at the end of the night.
She tells him that he “will be blessed” for being so sweet to her the week before (i.e. there will be sex, but that’s pretty much just a given on this show, isn’t it?)
A date card arrives and Elise struggles with her decision whether or not to stay in a hotel room with Chris that night. (She also struggles to read the date card, but, again that’s just a given on this show, isn’t it?)
Chris is eager to get into Elise’s crotch, but he is willing to pretend like he doesn’t know that he’s getting laid at the end of the night. He takes her into the pool, and they make out, and Chris tells us that he “wants to enjoy Elise” behind closed doors, as he’s inching her to the hotel room. (All of this time, Elise is blabbing on about how much of a gentlemen he is.)
Later, we viewers are treated to moaning and grunting sounds so either Chris is biting a stick in pain from his knee injury or he and Elise spent the rest of the evening doing the horizontal mambo. I’ll bet at about 3 a.m. Chris was so tired of hearing Elise yap, that he probably contemplated pulling a “Ryan Putz” and throwing his body off the balcony in an attempt to escape.
Later, Chris tells us that Elise was “very excited” last night. Yes, Chris, I’m sure the three seconds of passion your provided her was undoubtedly arousing.
Elise must have worn Chris out because he has to go to the hospital after their date. It turns out that he tore his ACL or STD or HPV or something and has to keep off his leg for a long time. Elise loves taking care of “her man” and says that it’s “cute” that Chris feels like crap and that Chris’ pain is a “turning point in their relationship.”
I think Elise should have stayed at the hospital. In a straight jacket.
She then just straight out says, “Chris is my man now…forever.”
Elise heads off to undoubtedly go doodle “Chris Loves Elise” on her Lisa Frank notebooks because she basically has the mentality of a 12-year-old.
Back on the Island, Michelle is still worried that her giving the rose to Marquel last week has ruined her chances with Robert. She decides to “make it up” to him. She and Clare will be taking Robert and…whichever guy Clare is boning today…on a double date. Because Sarah is also into Robert, Michelle is upfront with her and tells her that she’s taking Robert and forcing him to be her “boyfriend” now that Marquel ditched her.
Clare and Michelle are getting ready for their double dates with Zack and Robert. They are getting all dressed up (right in front of Sarah, of course) and are preparing to sweep the guys off their feet with their charm.
Sarah, meanwhile, is feeling really weird because she’s been left out of all the coupling. She is sad that she’s “Forever Alone,” despite the fact that she gave her rose to Robert last week.
She wishes she had the confidence to plan a romantic evening with Robert, and not let a “prettier” girl swoop in on her kill. Sarah is moping around and crying that she doesn’t feel good enough about herself to compete with these girls. It’s so sad because she is actually the only decent person on this show! (And most likely the only person that won’t have to visit the clinic at the end of this show’s filming.)
Michelle uses the moment to let Robert know that she’s no longer into Marquel. She “puts herself out there” and lets him know that she wants a connection with him. (I think the fact that you were sitting on his lap and throwing yourself at him was also a hint.) After the double date, the foursome heads back to the house just as Marquel and Danielle are arriving home from their date. Michelle says that now that she’s in love with Robert, it’s helped her to “close the book” on Marquel.
Seriously. What is wrong with these people? If they’re going to share a brain, one of them should probably start to use it.
Just then, a girl walks up the beach. She’s got big boobs, gorgeous legs and all the guys staring at her. It turns out to be Jackie from Sean Lowe‘s season. All the girls are nervous that Jackie will take their men, and it appears to be a valid worry. Zack is doing his best to stop looking at Jackie’s big beautiful, um, eyes, but is doing a terrible job.
Jackie has a date card, and she chooses Marquel, which devastates Danielle. She, of course, was in love with him after their one date. Danielle tells AshLee that, “the rose is in Marquel’s garden.” I’m embarrassed for you, Marquel and myself for watching you say that statement.
Michelle, of course, uses the opportunity to tell us how Marquel’s a man-hoe that’s open to any possibility. Um, any possibility but you, of course.
The next day is Jackie’s date with Marquel. They leave a devastated Danielle behind and board a plane to start their date. Marquel uncorks his champagne. (No, he really does open a bottle of booze, I’m not being gross…yet.) The arrive at some ruins and they chat about how scared Jackie was when she walked up to the house. They have a picnic on top of the ruins. (Shout out to the poor crew member that had to lug that heavy ass cooler up all those steps to get it on top of the ruins!)
Marquel gives Jackie a play-by-play of how he’s going to kiss her. Of course both proclaim that they don’t normally kiss on the first date.
Back on the island, Grant is tired of being AshLee’s bi-otch. He is mad that she has basically told all of the girls that Grant is off limits, which has ruined his chances of hooking up with anybody but her. Grant tells Michelle that AshLee is already talking about him meeting her dad and getting her pregnant, but they haven’t even been on a date yet! These Paradisers have really upped the desperation level for this episode. I’m impressed!
Luckily, a date card arrives for AshLee and she, of course, asks Graham on her date. He accepts, even though he was hoping to cut the chains that AshLee has wrapped around his neck. He hops in the shower and basically just stands there trying to look sexy. He doesn’t use any shampoo or soap or anything, so the shower is kind of pointless. All the water in the world ain’t gonna wash all that crazy that AshLee left on you, bro.
Meanwhile, Marcus and Lacy’s relationship is really developing. They are hanging out non-stop and both say that they aren’t interested in anyone else and are just focusing on getting to know each other. They frolic on the beach and kiss in the jacuzzi but aren’t causing any drama so the camera isn’t really interested in them.
Sarah tells us that she’s “worried” for Elise because she has fallen so hard for Chris after only two days. It’s a repeat of what happened with her and Dylan, but Elise doesn’t seem to care. Sarah advises her friend to be careful, since this is the second guy she’s fallen in love with in two weeks. Of course, Elise says she’s willing to go through any hurt to “find her rainbow.” Sarah clearly is only staying on this show now just to be entertained. It’s like watching an episode of “The Three Stooges” with sluts.
Later, Clare tells us that she’s hoping to find a guy like her late father to spend her life with. It’s approaching the anniversary of her dad’s death, which makes her sad. Zack comforts her, which makes Clare happy. Don’t worry, I’m sure your dad is so, so proud of your excursions at sea. Afterward, Clare gets excited when she sees a giant turtle give birth on the beach right in front of them. (That will likely be Clare in nine months!) She takes it as a sign that her dad is bringing new life into her life. Or something.
Meanwhile, AshLee and Graham are enjoying their date. Well, AshLee is enjoying it and Graham is really starting to try to find ways to escape AshLee. She keeps talking about how she stalks his Instagram, how she wants to have his babies, and he just keeps looking like he wants to back away…slowly.
AshLee decides that it’s time to make her move. Just then, a date card arrives for the couple. Of course, it’s an opportunity for them to shack up for the night and AshLee’s loins are quivering, but Graham doesn’t want to sleep with her.
AshLee says she wants to be free-spirited about the situation. After shaking her booty for a bunch of horny mariachi men, she then forces Graham to make out with her. Graham says that, even though it’s her first date with him, he can tells that AshLee wants to “get it in.” Still, he declines her advances and heads to his separate room.
The next night is the rose ceremony. Michelle is especially worried that she will not get a rose, but Elise is confident she’ll get a flower. After Chris hobbles into the rose ceremony, he tells everyone that will listen how miserable he is. He tells Michelle how much pain he is in and that he’s not sure he can continue on in Paradise.
Chris Harrison tells the girls that they need to make their last minute slut scrambles to try to get one of the guys to give them a rose. Clare reminds the guys that they are not giving out “friendship roses” and that they should only give a rose to a girl they really want a “relationship” with. Most of the guys are coupled up, except for Robert and Marquel. Sarah says that she and Michelle both want Robert’s rose, so they are both throwing themselves at him. Michelle is worried that she overdid it with Robert, because he has been avoiding her since their double date.
They finally have a chance to talk and Robert tries to avoid the subject of who he’s giving his rose to, but Michelle isn’t having it. Despite how much she tries, though, Robert won’t reveal who he’s into.
Danielle is still pining away for Marquel, and she refuses to consider coupling with any other guy on the Island. She does her best to inform him that they should get together, but she isn’t sure he will give her the rose over Jackie.
Finally, Chris Harrison puts an end to the scrambling and says it’s time to give out some flowers. The girls all line up and “pray” that once of these pathetic Prince Charmings will pick them. Graham is first, and he of course gives AshLee the rose. Zack gives Clare the rose, and it’s Marcus’ turn next. He picks Lacy, which is no surprise. Marquel is next, and both Jackie and Danielle are hoping to get his rose. He decides to go with Jackie, and Danielle looks like she was just shot in the gut.
Robert’s next, and he’s about to break a heart. He’s choosing between Michelle and Sarah, and Michelle is shooting him a dagger look with her eyes. Still, he chooses Sarah, which completely surprises Michelle. She starts to tear up. I mean, guys, she spent TWO DAYS– two whole days— trying to show her love to Robert. She planned a double date and everything!
The last person to go is Chris. He gives his rose to Elise, who is all suited up like a “Dreamgirls” reject in a sparkly dress. He tells her how much he likes her and then says, “I can’t give you this rose.” She looks super surprised and tells her that he’s too miserable to continue in Paradise, but that he wants her to come home with him .
Wait– they’re going to live together? She’s going to be his live-in servant? What is happening here? He tells the girls that since Elise is going home with him, he wants to give the rose to one of the two remaining rose-less girls.
He gives the rose to Michelle, because he says that she “deserves true love.” Well…she should probably go somewhere other than this show to find it. She’s thrilled to get to stay and is crying tears of joy. It’s like being in the Twilight Zone. Seriously.
The other Paradisers are shocked that Elise, who, just two days before was in love with Dylan, has decided to leave and move in (?) with Chris. They are happy for her (and for her crazy ass to be off the island). Watching Elise, in her sparkly dress, walk off the beach with Chris (with a cane) was like watching Ginger leave Gilligan’s Island with Mr. Howell. It just doesn’t work.
Danielle is upset that the experience of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ was basically “Marq-Hell” for her. Good one!
Next week, there will be two days of tears, drama and Clare’s raccoon will return. And, apparently, someone has a complete mental breakdown. As you do.
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise,’ click here!
(Photos: ABC, Instagram)