‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 5B Episode 6 Recap: Cornfield Softball & The Return of Smirnoff Suzi

"I'm back, bio-tches!"
“I’m back, bio-tches!”

The Ashley didn’t have a chance to recap last week’s crapisode of Teen Mom 2. The good news is that she’s back to give you a play-by-play of this week’s drama, so let’s get started!

"Hello, Insurance? It's Leah. Why's y'all not givin' my youngin' her wheelchair?"
“Hello, Insurance? It’s Leah. Why’s y’all not givin’ my youngin’ her wheelchair?”

First, let’s do a mini-cap of what we missed last week. Basically Leah decided to take on The Insurance and prove that Ali was old enough to use a wheelchair. To do this, she filmed a video of Ali navigating the chair and sent it to them, along with a note that surely reads, “Ali Can Do Chair.”

Kail was struggling to take care of both kids since Javi was away on official Air Force business, Chelsea finally got her spray tan license and Jenelle was thrilled that Nathan somehow managed to get out of jail after 10 days.

Now that we are caught up, let’s begin with this week’s show.

We kick things off with Chelsea, who is back to work and celebrating her first days as a licensed esthetician. Her boss is a bit too enthusiastic as she shows Chelsea all of the stuff she’s put up in the salon for her: her license, her business cards, a large wooden “C” (an apparent homage to the best grade Chelsea ever got in school) and her certificates. Honestly, I think it would have been easier for the boss lady to just have a banner made up that says, “The redhead chick from Teen Mom 2 works here” and hang it out front, but, you know, give her time.

Teen Mom 2 Salon
I kind of want to get a T-shirt made with this picture on it…

“You’re such an artist!” the boss tells Chelsea as she shows her the room she’ll be spraying South Dakotan soccer moms in. Chelsea is also stoked that her boss is letting her set her own hours which means she’ll have time to take care of Aubree and sleep until noon.

Over in West Virginia, Leah is feeling better thanks to her drugs (as you do) and she’s been able to log some slur-free hours at the tanning salon. Ali has been doing well in her loaner wheelchair, and has been attending therapy. Corey has yet to see Ali use her wheelchair, which makes Leah upset. Corey’s dad, Jeff, takes Ali to a therapy appointment, which makes him realize how important the wheelchair will be for her. Afterward, he and Leah chat about Ali’s mobility.

teen mom 2
“Wait, so you’re really not going to buy any Mary Kay?”

In Carolina, Jenelle is ready to have her baby but first she must complete her divorce proceedings from Courtland, the Cold Sore King. She and Nathan meet our gal Barbara for lunch to discuss how things will go. Babs hasn’t seen Nathan since he was sprung from the slammer so she wants to know all the details of his stay. (Did he learn anything while in there? Are he and his cellmate Bubba going to stay in touch now that he’s out?)

Barb tells Nathan that “those daawgs” really gave Jenelle a lot of trouble, and she suggests that they rehome Nathan’s dog but he isn’t into the idea. Next, they talk about how lucky Nathan was to get out of jail early. While Nathan only served 11 of his 30 day sentence, he reminds Babs that he was working while behind bars. So he worked for 10 whole days! And they say he’s a freeloader, geesh!

teen mom 2
Good thing Jenelle is free of those jobless moochers…oh, wait…

Jenelle and Nathan are heading to the office of her lawyer Dustin after lunch to figure out how the divorce proceedings will work. Jenelle is scared that Courtland will try to get alimony from her. (Of course, this sounds silly since Jenelle is unemployed, but we viewers know that Courty is hoping to get his wart-covered paws on Jenelle’s MTV money.)

“He needs ya money to support his drug habit!” Babs cackles.

In Delaware, Kail is still taking care of both kids alone. Javi is still in Texas and Kail is having trouble breastfeeding Lincoln, who keeps biting her. In addition to all of that, it’s time for the social event of the season– Isaac’s art show! Javi won’t be able to attend, but Jo and Vee are planning to make an appearance.

Also attending the art show? Kail’s wayward mother, the infamous Smirnoff Suzi! For some reason she’s back, after a long, vodka-filled absence. Javi is skeptical because Suzi called out of nowhere and tried to reconnect, but Kail is trying to be positive about the situation. Having a boozing Suzi, a breast-biting Lincoln and Jo and Vee all at the art show will be a lot to take on for Kail!

"Let's take a selfie before your dad ruins your day!"
“Let’s take a selfie before your dad ruins your day!”

In South Dakota, Chelsea and Aubree are busy taking selfies and buying “shoezies” because Aubree is about to start playing softball. Chelsea, as you may know, was a softball star in high school (before that whole “baby came out of her lady taco” thing happened, of course) so Aubree is eager to try it.

Chelsea’s mom, South Dee-ko-tah Mary, comes over and they talk about the tragedy that was the end of Chelsea’s softball career. Mary says that Chelsea’s career ended when she tore her ACL. Um…more like when Adam tore Chelsea’s hymen. 

Mary wants to know if “it’s gonna be awkward for ya” if Adam comes to watch Aubree play T-ball and Chelsea says no. Aubree is thrilled when Chelsea tells her that Adam will be there. “I like my Daddy! Is he coming over for real?” she says.

Softball in a cornfield. I freaking love you, South Dakota.
Softball in a cornfield. I freaking love you, South Dakota.

Aubree gets suited up and runs around with her T-ball team but she keeps looking at the cornfield to see if Adam will appear. (I guess in South Dakota it’s like “Field of Dream,” but instead of dead baseball players coming out of the cornfield, it’s jailbird dads with ankle bracelets.)

Just as Aubree finishes her T-ball practice, Adam comes strolling in. Aubree is excited to see him but Chelsea is angry that he disappointed Aubree by being so late.

If you call him...he won't come....
If you call him…he won’t come….

“You missed the whole thing!” Aubree tells her dad. Don’t worry– Adam has a very good excuse for missing his daughter’s game: he was at home, and sleeping.

Hey, those hangovers are no joke! Playas gotta sleep it off if they want to be ready to go to the bar the next night!

Chelsea is understandably pissed, and Aubree is sad that her Dad is leaving only minutes after arriving. He puts her in Chelsea’s car and takes off, and Chelsea looks like she wants to grab one of the T-ball bats and beat that stupid patch of hair off Adam’s head.

She calls Randy to give him the report on Aubree’s practice. Randy asks if Adam came and Chelsea tells him what happened but is trying to be quiet so Aubree doesn’t hear. Aubree tells Randy, “My dad missed it all!” which makes Chelsea sad.

"I can't wait for the art show!"
“I can’t wait for the art show!”

Meanwhile, Jo and Vee are preparing for Isaac’s Art Show the next day. Vee is grateful that she and Kail squashed their feud last episode because if they hadn’t, Vee wouldn’t have been able to go to the Art Show. (I mean, this is The Art Show, for God’s sakes! Everyone who is anyone will be there. And also, Suzi will be there!)

Jo has always been a fan of Suzi, but he’s worried that her coming to the Art Show may cause a scene. (I mean, true, there’s always a chance that Suzi can pound a gallon of vodka and start eating the macaroni art in a crazed munchie fit, but who hasn’t done that at some point?)

In Carolina, it’s time for Jenelle to meet with the divorce lawyer. He’s the partner of her  lawyer, Dustin. Babs goes with the couple and introduces herself to Trey, the lawyer.

“Hiya, I’m Bahhbara, Juh-nelle’s mutha!” she croaks.

teen mom 2
“To be honest, this sounds more fit for the Maury Povich Show.”

They sit down and the lawyer says that he will serve Courtland a notice that Jenelle is petitioning for divorce. Jenelle’s nervous that because she’s pregnant with Nathan’s child yet still married to Courtland he may have some rights to the baby.

I’ll just let that marinate for a second… 

The lawyer said that the baby will be presumed to be Courtland’s child until a paternity test is done. They are hoping, however, that Jenelle will be able to get the divorce before she has the baby. Courtland has 30 days to respond to the divorce petition or it will be automatically granted with no problems.

Back at the daycare er, Babs’ house, Jace is causing mischief. Babs gives him and her other grandson graham crackers, which he promptly throws on the ground and grinds them into the floor.

"Graham crackas!! On mah floor!"
“Graham crackas!! On mah floor!”

“Hey! Hey! Graaaham crackas all ovah mah flooor!” Babs wails. “Stop that! Give meh tha cracka! No more crackas!”

Jenelle, ever the present mother, continues to lie on the couch without saying anything.

After the Great Graham Cracker Caper, Babs wants to gab about the “pahhhternity test” that Nate might have to take to prove that Kaiser is his. Nathan says that he plans to do the test either way, just in case Jenelle ever “does something crazy” and decides to break up with him and not give him rights to the baby.

Babs next asks if, since “Juh-nelle’s diavooorce is gettin’ closa and closa,” Nathan plans to marry Jenelle. He says he will eventually marry her (but I’m sure she’ll pop out a few more of his illegitimate children before that, of course). Nathan says that he doesn’t want to rush a proposal and wants it to be meaningful. Wait…what? This is ‘Teen Mom 2’ where people accept proposals at least once a month. Jenelle’s last proposal came in the middle of a drug-filled bender while eating at the Olive Garden. Anything would be a step up, honestly.

Babs is thrilled that Nate doesn’t want to get married right away. She gives us a peek into her own life, telling them that she went through a nasty divorce with Jenelle’s father and it’s not very fun. “Sometimes ya get married and it feels like ya got chains around ya neck!” Babs said.

Nathan says that after he got divorced (wait–what?! How did we not know that this knucklehead has already been married once?!) he didn’t ever want to get married…until he met Jenelle, of course.

UMMM!?!?!?!?
UMMM!?!?!?!?

The next day, Jenelle’s friend Anna comes over. Um…are they just not going to address the fact that this is Anna from Buckwild, another MTV show?! UMMMM!?!?!? This is like those creepy crossover episodes that 1990s sitcoms used to do. Remember when Urkel appeared on an episode of ‘Full House’ in character? It’s like entering the Twilight Zone and I don’t like it at all. Maybe Trashbag Tori was unavailable (re: in jail) so they had to dip into their employee pool and hire Anna to play “the friend?”

"It's kind of weird not to be in jail on the regular!"
“It’s kind of weird not to be in jail on the regular!”

Anyway, Jenelle is busy studying for her medical class. She’s currently studying skin diseases, which grosses Anna out. Luckily, Jenelle dated Kieffer for years so skin diseases are nothing new to her!

Jenelle tells Anna that she’s doing her best to divorce Courtland before Kaiser arrives, and that she will insist on a paternity test, for Nathan’s sake. “You know we both don’t have custody of our children,” she tells Anna.  Jenelle then explains how it came to be that she married the Cold Sore King.

“We were both just f**ked up on drugs,” Jenelle said, adding that she wishes she had never met him.

Jenelle says that she and Nathan plan to wait to become engaged, and if they do become engaged, they will wait at least a year to get married. I’m pretty shocked. Jenelle is actually being really logical and appears to have finally learned from her mistakes. As much as I love watching Jenelle be a trainwreck, it’s kind of nice to see her being mature and sensible for a change, and not just accepting engagements left and right.

"I can't believe we had to leave the Art Show early! The ART SHOW!"
“I can’t believe we had to leave the Art Show early! The ART SHOW!”

In Delaware, the Art Show didn’t go as planned. Isaac got really tired (hey, he’s been slaving over construction paper for weeks! Give the kid a break!) so Kail had to take him home early. Jo, Vee and Smirnoff Suzi all made an appearance at the Art Show, and they came over after to see Kail’s house. Suzi, who is sporting some Kate Gosselin extension-like long hair, is thrilled to meet Lincoln. Kail gives them a tour of the house (she avoids showing Suzi the liquor cabinet for obvious reasons).

Kail is attempting to breastfeed Lincoln again but he is refusing to latch on. She leaves the room to attend to the baby, so Suzi chats with Jo and Vee about how long their drive home will be.  Kail tells them that she’s super tired, which is basically a sledgehammer of a hint to have them get the hell out. They all hug goodbye, which is surprising to see, and leave Kail and Suzi alone.

Kail's mom
“If the baby doesn’t like breast milk, I have an assortment of beverages in my purse!”

Suzi agrees to spend the night to help Kail. (Well, help Kail and mooch a place to sleep for the night.) They chat about Kail’s life changes since they last saw each other.

Suzi tells Kail to go upstairs and leave Lincoln with her. UM?!?! Sure….leave my baby with a woman who spends 80 percent of her time face-down in her own vodka-filled vomit. Kail doesn’t accept the offer, and keeps trying to breastfeed Lincoln. She gets upset when he rejects her again.

In West Virginia, Corey’s dad, Jeff, goes to see Corey. Jeff took Ali to her most recent therapy appointment, so he wants to talk to his son about it. Corey seems uninterested by all the wheelchair talk. (To be fair, he may just be confused. There were no flashcards at all being used, so it’s hard for him.)

Corey still feels that Ali doesn’t need the wheelchair, and is worried that Ali will become dependent on it. He is planning to take the girls to the zoo, so he’ll need to borrow the wheelchair. Later, when he tells Leah this, she is happy to hear that Corey is coming around about the whole thing, but is upset that Corey hasn’t tried harder to get Ali her own wheelchair. Jeremy says Corey dropped the ball.

Real in the front, clip-on in the back, y'all!
Real in the front, clip-on in the back, y’all!

Did anyone else notice that Leah is totally wearing one of those clip-on hair pieces in this scene? They obviously filmed this after she chopped her hair, but needed it to look like this conversation took place before, so they just slapped one of those hair pieces on the top of her head to make it look like her hair was up. It’s a step up from the ridiculous hoodie-and-wig combo of seasons past, I’ll give them that!

Next week, Adam’s in the slammer, as per usual, and Aleeah is upset that Ali is getting all of the wheelchair fun. Nathan will accuse Babs of drinking too much (UM!?!) and Suzi will stick around for another episode. Sounds like a pahh-rty to me!

To read another ‘Teen Mom 2’ recap by The Ashley, click here!

(Photos: MTV)

 

 

 

13 Responses


  1. Oh my, The Ashley!! I have never watched this show and just clicked here out of mildly bored interest. YOU ARE HYSTERICALLY FUNNY!!! If this show is 1/10th as funny as your recap, I MUST watch! In the meantime I’m going to read ALL your updates! Keep up the good work, and if you ever quit you day job, go in to comedy!


  2. Those picture captions are hilarious! Kail needs to watch the first season of Teen Mom 2. Not many teens go from basically being homeless with no family support, to a huge house, new cars and husband in a few years . She is super lucky to be where she is now and zero reason to be frustrated. Get little Linky a bottle and get some sleep!


  3. why why Leah??? why waste so much time and energy talking about getting that pink wheelchair!!!! Put some pink stickers on the loaner for heavens sake, and call it a day! It isn’t like the loaner is a crappy model, it also goes down to the floor so she can get in it, it is just not pink! Why have insurance pay $20k for one when you already have one to use? I mean how many miles is she gonna log on that thing anyway? When the novelty wears off, dont tell me she is going to use it in the house. 20k is a lot of money, people insisting on top of the line stuff, makes everyone’s insurance go up. Martha stewart has some really cool pink sparkly duct tape..wrap it around the bars, and wind some crepe paper around the wheels, and the kid will love it, probably even better if she is allowed to decorate herself


  4. In the last episode we saw Kaylin drive her new Mercedes Benz to go into town for something, and then drove the new Chevy Tahoe to go and meet joe in jersey. Then we watched her complain and be sad in her new big house and try to gain sympathy for her really hard life situation, I almost died from the irony.


  5. For having such a beautiful wife! I did love that this episode was very Babs and Jeff heavy-they’re my favorite stars of this show!


  6. Leah and Jeremy-I just can’t stand those two. I swear, Corey has this huge look of relief on his face every time he sees her-and go him f


    1. The preview for next week when she’s throwing her attitude around, and talking about how the lawyers will handle things from now on irked me. All Leah and Jeremy want to do is complain about Corey in front of the girls. I don’t see Leah doing much to be a parent, or Jeremy stepping up half as much as Leah says he does. Miranda plays with the girls and Jeremy hides in the bedroom from them!


  7. Ashley! I feel like you should do a collection of “Bad MTV editing”, I love when you catch stuff like Leah’s hair haha.


  8. Loooove your recap! I only wish I could watch the show in original language as in Italy the dubbing is not as funny… love babs anyway she’s my fav!


  9. Hahaha I didn’t even catch that with Anna! I never watched buckwild. I feel bad for jenelle, they must have really had problems finding a “friend” for her even if it’s paid. MTV, real subtle!

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