‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 5B Episode 7 Recap: Brawling with Barbara & Bad Roots

"Let me tan you!"
“Let me tan you!”

Gather your youngins, ’cause it’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2, where many of the adults are unstable and many of the kids are, well, unbathed! Last week’s episode was quite the doozy– what with the return of Kail‘s mother, Smirnoff Suzi and the random appearance by a Buckwild cast member.

This week’s episode promises to be almost as much fun, however! We kick things off with an arrest, which tells us that we’re in for a whole bunch of LOLs. If someone isn’t pregnant and/or behind bars on this show, I’m just not that interested in watching. Luckily, there hasn’t been an episode of ‘Teen Mom 2’ that didn’t include someone being arrested or being pregnant, so we’re good.

Anyway, the mischief-maker this time around is Chelsea‘s good-for-nothing-but-impregnating-young-girls baby daddy, Adam. Once again, he has gotten behind the wheel despite the fact that he has a suspended license. He was caught and thrown in the clink. (I’m fairly certain the guards and his regular cellmates, Bubba and BigDog, threw him a “Welcome Home” party upon his arrival.)

Can we just call Landon ASAP to fix Chelsea's mop? This is an emergency situation here.
Can we just call Landon ASAP to fix Chelsea’s mop? This is an emergency situation here.

Adam’s arrest makes Chelsea understandably nervous. Adam’s parents failed to tell her about Adam getting in trouble so she’s wondering what else they aren’t telling her. Chelsea tells her dad Randy the news and he is less-than-shocked to hear that Adam’s in trouble again. He just can’t believe that Adam has managed to escape consequences again.

Apparently, Chelsea got into a little texting brawl with Adam’s mom, after Chelsea took her to task for not informing her that Adam was arrested while Aubree was in their care. Adam’s mom flipped out and text-yelled at Chelsea, making Chelsea get deja vu back to the days where she was letting Adam put his dingdong in her Suzie Q.

Randy reminds Chelsea that she’s under no obligation to bring Aubree to see Adam’s parents and Chelsea says she’s not comfortable bringing Aubree there because, well, look at the degenerate the Linds produced.

This scene has taught us a few valuable lessons. For one, if you have a revoked license and you live in South Dakota, don’t drive. You will get caught (especially if you have an MTV camera crew recording your every move.) Also, if you dye your hair bright red, you have to keep up with it or you end up looking like something out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously, Chels, do your damn roots. You’re killing me here. Or, at least, go borrow one of Leah‘s terrible wigs and cover that up!

“If only I had gotten pregnant in my teen years, I’d still be getting MTV paychecks!”

Over in Carolina, Jenelle is fighting with her boyfriend. (Man, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve typed that over the years, I could afford to buy all of Leah’s Mary Kay cosmetics!) Jenelle’s due to squat out Nathan‘s spawn in less than six weeks, but they just can’t seem to get along. Buckwild Anna comes over because, well, her show done got cancelled. She’s just dying to know the latest in the Jenelle/Courtland divorce drama. Jenelle fills her in on that, as well as her latest fight with Nathan.

Apparently, Jace was spending the night when Jenelle caught Nate snooping on her computer. Nate was convinced that Jenelle was talking to another dude, which started a huge fight. (Yes, I’m sure the gentleman callers are just lining up around the block for a chance to date a still-married, eight-months-pregnant Jenelle.)

Anyway, the fight escalated and Jenelle called her mom to come pick up Jace. While I think it was smart that Jenelle didn’t want to fight in front of Jace, I can’t help but think of poor Barb, having to get out of bed, put on her “slippas” and drive across state lines to fetch her grandson, all because Nate was mad that guys were “poking” Jenelle on Facebook.

“Are ya kiddin’ me!?”

Jenelle says that the fight was fueled by Nathan’s drunkenness. He guzzled a whole bottle of wine before the fight, which makes Babs worried for Jenelle, Jace and the unborn baby’s safety.

I'm not the only one that sees the devil horns sprouting from Suzi's head, right?
I’m not the only one that sees the devil horns sprouting from Suzi’s head, right?

Over in Delaware, Javi is still at training, so Kail’s mom, Suzi, is sticking around because, well, there are no Happy Hour specials on the weekends. Kail is trying to make things work with Suzi, and so far everything is working out. In fact, Suzi has really helped out, being that Lincoln is still waging his strike against Kail’s breasts.

Kail has hired a breastfeeding consultant to help her through Lincoln’s strike, and she goes to meet with her, leaving The Suz alone watching Isaac. She tries to get the scoop on what’s going on in the family, “So…are there any extra bedrooms in this house? Do you know if your mommy got any bottles of adult juice for her recent birthday?” Isaac, however doesn’t want to talk about all that. He tells Suzi that Javi is away “playing without him” and that Javi doesn’t care about them anymore.

The wheelchair is really the star of every episode of this show...
The wheelchair is really the star of every episode of this show…

In West Virginia, Corey is about to take Ali’s wheelchair for the first time because he’s planning to take the twins to the zoo. Leah is, of course, “really stressed” because she’s been having problems with the “ding dang wheelchair!” Leah piles all of her youngins into the car and heads to “the drop off.” Jeremy comes to assist with the wheelchair exchange.

The gang unloads the chair, while the kids run all over the parking lot. (I’m sure whatever Wal-Mart or Family Dollar they use for “the drop off” is thrilled that their parking lot is being taken over by wild children and an MTV camera crew on the regular.) Leah rounds up the kids and puts them in the car but Aleeah decides to throw a fit because she “doesn’t want to be sitting anymore.” 

No concept of how much things cost...hmm, I wonder where Aleeah learned that?
No concept of how much things cost…hmm, I wonder where Aleeah learned that?

Leah tells Aleeah that they need her to sit because they have to be careful not to break Ali’s wheelchair. “Why? We can buy another one,” Aleeah says.

Leah looks shocked that Aleeah said this. I have no clue where she learned that it’s OK to spend a boatload of money any time you want. It’s not like she’s seen that behavior at home…oh, wait. Cough!<$3,000 washer and dryer> Cough! Aleeah then whines that she doesn’t have a wheelchair too.

Leah assures Aleeah they can’t afford to buy another wheelchair because, well, Leah’s Mary Kay fees are coming due, and that Peachy Frost lipstick ain’t gonna buy itself!

Leah decides to wait until Corey has huffed and puffed to put the wheelchair in his car to tell him that the wheelchair isn’t really working right now. Um, that information probably would have been useful before they did all that work loading it in. Corey’s face is so red right now it actually matches his neck!

"Thank you for not beating me today, Aubree!"
“Thank you for not beating me today, Aubree!”

Back in South Dakota, Adam’s parents were late dropping Aubree off, which has made Aubree late for preschool. (Can you even be late for preschool? What happens? Is all the good Playdough gone or something?)

Chelsea is in a rush and she is frustrated when she finds Aubree just sitting on the stairs, in no hurry to get her jacket and get out the door. Chelsea does her best to yell at Aubree, but Aubree knows that her mom is a total push-over. (“That’s it! No more selfies for you today, missy! You’re being punished!”)

Aubree just tells her “No” when Chelsea tells her they have to leave. “You have to go to school to get smart like mama,” Chelsea tells her. “I wanna stay here!” Aubree screams. (Well, to be fair, Aubree staying at home all day would be closer to doing what her mama did than going to school. Just sayin’….)

Chelsea is getting super flustered and tells Aubree that if she refuses to go to school, she will have to go to her room. UM?!? Isn’t that exactly what Aubree said she wanted to do? Can someone help Chelsea, please? Like, surely one of the camera guys or someone has kids and knows how to discipline them. This is just hard to watch.

teen mom 2
As Chelsea explains that she’s sad, Aubree plots her mother’s death…

Chelsea gets Aubree to move, but because Aubree’s acting like the Spawn of Satan, Chelsea refuses to give her a “Spongebob.” Aubree is angered that she will spend the day sans “Spongebob” so she decides to hit her mother and throw something at her.

Chelsea, of course, totally lets this unacceptable behavior slide without any punishment. She tells Aubree that she’s being naughty. Yup, that should do it.

In Carolina, it’s time for Nathan and Jenelle to pick out some stuff for their baby registry. Nathan wants to register for a top-of-the-line stroller that’s “electronical.” (Ummmm…)

The store lady shows them how one stroller pops up and down on its own, which makes Nathan happy. Later, Babs comes over so Jenelle can show her some of the things they want for their registry. They are having a baby shower, and Jenelle decides to order $70 customized invitations. “Seventy dollas!” Babs cackles in disbelief. “I’ll pay for tha stamps!”

Look at Babs, being all sporty in her Marsha Brady pants! Get it, girl!
Look at Babs, being all sporty in her Marsha Brady pants! Get it, girl!

Nathan comes in and the three are discussing the baby registry. Nathan demands that the “Prego” carseat be added to the registry. “Prego caaaahrseat?” Babs asks. “What’s that?” Nathan explains that Prego is the top-of-the-line in baby stuff, and Babs can’t believe that these two jobless knuckleheads have the nerve to ask people to buy them a $300 “cahhhrseat.”

Barb tells Nathan to grow up, to which he tells her (while winking all creepily) that he “has a mother, thank you.” He then jumps up, and starts yelling that he and Jenelle are two adults that take care of their own sh*t. Well, I mean, except for their own kids, of course.

Nathan is angry that Barb dared to tell him “what to do” because he’s an adult. Barb tells him that she’s concerned that Nathan isn’t treating Jenelle right, to which Nate replies that when Jenelle sh*ts out his kid and they get married, he will be Jenelle’s family and Barb will be left out. (Um, does he not realize that Barb has an endless supply of grandkids to take care of? She’s never going to be alone, unfortunately.)

Barb then says that Nathan will never get custody of Jace if Nathan keeps guzzling alcohol the way he has been. Of course, Nathan shoots back, “When’s the last time I drank?”

“Um…last night. And the night before,” Barb responds, to which Nate can’t even argue because he was, in fact, drunk as a skunk the previous two nights.

Nathan can’t argue that what Barb is saying is untrue so he decides to throw it back in her face that she drunks too much as well. Babs denies this, and then he tells Barbara she’s clearly jealous that he spends so much time with Jenelle (when he’s not in the slammer for drunk driving, of course).

Nathan storms off, and Jenelle expresses to her mom that Nathan doesn’t take criticism well. Ahhh, poor Nathan. Seriously, I’d pay good money just to have Barb yell at me and call me a “bitch of a daughta!” (And, yeah, I’m totally serious about that.)

Jenelle says that Barb should try to be nicer when calling Nathan out on his crap. She then reveals that it was actually her, not Nathan, that insisted on having the top-shelf baby gear. Barb explains that she thinks that Nathan knows the truth, which is why he gets so defensive.

Meanwhile, Leah is hanging out in her new apartment. Jeremy has treated her to a brand-new “Cure-Egg” coffee maker in hopes that his wife will be able to stay up long enough to give him a little pickle-tickle every once in a while. (“It’s been like a year since youns had a baby in yer tummy, Leah!”) Leah is amazed by the state-of-the-art coffee maker, and doesn’t seem to mind that her husband just blew a bunch of “wheelchair money” on an appliance.

"How we's gonna make the ding dang wheelchair work if it's broken?"
“How we’s gonna make the ding dang wheelchair work if it’s broken?”

Over at Corey’s, the girls and Corey and Miranda are preparing for the zoo. Since the wheelchair is still on the fritz, they were unable to take it along. Aleeah is trying to bargain with her sister to get her to share her wheelchair, but Ali’s like, “Pssh, bio-tch please!” They end up renting a double stroller for the girls and head to the zoo. 

After a fun day at the zoo was had by all, Corey meets Leah and Jeremy for another “drop off.” Like, are we seriously just sitting here watching these people load a wheelchair in and out of their cars? We need lives, y’all!

In South Dakota, Chelsea meets Other Chelsey for coffee at the Black Sheep Coffeehouse.  Chelsey’s other pal, Laura, makes an appearance after an extra-long absence. Actually, I’m not even sure that Megan and Laura are two different people. 

"I'd put up with Aubree burning people at the stake if it means I get to keep living rent-free!"
“I’d put up with Aubree burning people at the stake if it means I get to keep living rent-free!”

Anyway, Chelsea tells her pals about Aubree’s bratty behavior. Other Chelsey suggests that there should be some “consequences, maybe” for Aubree being bad. Um, you think?! But, hey, Other Chelsey is probably living rent-free in Chelsea’s Orange Palace, so she’s not trying to rock the boat and piss Chelsea off.

Chelsea decides to make a behavior color chart for Aubree like the one she has at school. Aubree says that she wants pink to be the “goodest” color, and her poor grammar is actually cute…until we hear Chelsea ask her if she thinks “this behavior chart will help you behave good?” Sigh….

Other Chelsey comes in (dressed like Mr. Rogers, for some reason) and marvels at Chelsea’s fine craftsmanship of the chart. I think that Chelsea should just spray tan Aubree the level of orange her behavior warrants.

Lincoln in the bear suit= my day made
Lincoln in the bear suit= my day made

Over at Kail’s place, Suzi has managed to keep Isaac alive while Kail is at the doctor’s. Kail returns with tips for helping Lincoln breastfeed, and Suzi informs her of what Isaac told her about Javi. Kail confronts Isaac about what he said but…um, Lincoln’s in the bearsuit so I can’t really concentrate on anything in this scene.

Later, Kail and Isaac Skype Javi and Javi explains to Isaac that he loves him and that he wants to be home. It’s very cute but…can we get another shot of the bear-suited Lincoln!?

In Carolina, Nathan has arrived home to find Barbara gone. He explains to Jenelle that he doesn’t actually need baby gear that’s an expensive name brand.

“It’s not about me having name-brand, it’s about me having f**king class,” he says.

A sentence about how classy you are that contains the work “f**king.” Now that’s classy.

"Why would I be jealous of ya? I'm fabulous!"
“Why would I be jealous of ya? I’m fabulous!”

Jenelle agrees that Barb is indeed jealous of Nathan. Actually she’s probably right. I’m sure Barb would love to be able to lounge, kid-free on her couch all day (in oddly-cut concert tanks) without having to worry about working, childcare or anything except whether to choose Coors or Coors Lite. Instead, she’s forced to go sling lunchmeat at the Waaaaahlmaaart all day and then come home and take care of the litter of grandkids that have been dumped at her door. I’m sure she is jealous of Nathan!

Jenelle says that Barbara has thought every guy that Jenelle has dated has been bad for her. Um…well, she was kind of right. There was Andrew, who was a fine specimen of man, and then Kieffa, who spelled like mold and “The Weed,” Gary, who tried to strangle Jenelle with a bed sheet, and Courtland, the heroin-addicted Cold Sore King. So, yeah, there’s a reason that Barb hasn’t liked your boyfriends, Jenelle, and it sure isn’t jealousy.

They decide that they shouldn’t be fighting at all, and declare their love for each other.

In Delaware, it’s time to bid Suzi farewell. Seriously? No benders? No drunken rambling? Ugh. Later, Kail calls Javi to check in. Does he still get paid even if he only appears on Skype? It’s kind of weird having him be beamed in for every episode. It’s like he’s Charlie on Charlie’s Angels.

"I should go count the liquor bottles...just in case."
“I should go count the liquor bottles…just in case.”

Kail tells Javi that she doesn’t know how things will work out with her mother. She isn’t trusting that Suzi will be able to lay off the booze and actually be a decent person.

In West Virginia, Aleeah is literally swinging from the furniture when Leah goes to have a chat with her. She explains to Aleeah what’s different about Ali, and tries to get her to understand why Ali needs her wheelchair. She explains to Aleeah that wheelchairs aren’t really what she’s making them out to be, and that they all love Aleaah just as much as Ali.

Next week…well, I don’t know what happens next week because my DVR cut off before the previews come on. But, if I had to guess, I’d say that Jenelle will yell at someone and Leah will tell us about how “stressed” she is.

Wanna read more of The Ashley’s recaps? Click here!

(Photos: MTV)






  1. I love your recaps so much. I watch the show, but I always look forward to these recaps, because it’s like watching it again and making fun of it with a friend.

    And I have to say…any time you write in Babs’ voice, I about die laughing. Oh my gosh. She’s my favorite on the show.

  2. I no longer watch this show (26 years old, married with a 1 year old and a dog so I don’t really have time) but I literally read the recaps every week because they are so hysterical. I literally laugh out loud every time (the bachelor ones too, though I do actually watch that show). I am so glad I found this site, I love snarky comedic relief.

  3. Do you know where I can watch the last two episodes? I no longer have cable and I can’t watch it online becuase I don’t have a laptop and Hulu Plus only has season 1

  4. Ashley,

    I don’t watch Teen Mom anymore (got rid of cable) but your recaps are better than the real thing…..
    You are hysterical!!!!! I will sit here and read this and crack myself up!!! And then have to explain what is so funny.

    You are my idol!!!! I couldn’t let another week (or recap) go by without saying that.
    Keep up the good work!!
    It is appreciated by many.

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