Welcome back, my lil trash-TV-lovin’ pals! Let’s settle in and get down to business. There are illegitimate babies to be born, husbands to be Skype’d in, and soccer moms to be tanned!
We kick things off in North Carolina at Casa de Babs. Our gal Barbara is “pullin’ heh hair out!” because she’s so stressed. This may be because her entire house has essentially been turned into a makeshift Chuck E. Cheese, with grandkids, toys and the occasional oversized rodent running amok in her kitchen. The mothers of these children are nowhere to be found, as per usual, so Barb is forced to try to wrangle them all.
Eventually Jenelle and her still-fresh-from-the-slammer beau, Nathan arrive. Things have been tense between Babs and Nathan since their big fight a few weeks back, but they attempt to make amends. Next, Barb explains that Jace has basically turned into the Spawn of Satan.
“Jace is, like, haaahribble, man!” Babs cackles to Jenelle before explaining that the day before Jace attempted to kill his cousin Gabriel via the hose. (I mean, as you do.) “I can’t take this behaviahhhh!” Barb wails. Jenelle asks Jace why he’s being mean and he says (with that shifty look that only serial killers and psychopaths can generally master) “I don’t know” while smiling.
Barb is angry because Jace has been kicking her lately.
“Ya wanna go live somewhere else?” she asks him, to which Jace replies, “No.” “Well that’s what’s gonna happen to ya!” Barb says, to which Jace just laughs wickedly.
I’d start locking my bedroom door at night if I were Barbara…just sayin’….
Over in Delaware, Kail and the boys are preparing for Javi‘s arrival back home from his month-long trip. It’s Easter time so they are dying eggs with a rando lady and her kid (who doesn’t quite understand the concept of being quiet while filming is happening. The little girl keeps screaming, ‘Look at me!’ while Kail is attempting to tell the cameras what’s going on.)
Anyway, Kail is explaining the latest in the Smirnoff Suzi situation. She says that although Suzi is off the sauce now, Kail is sure that she will eventually return to drinking. Since Suzi left a week or so ago, Kail hasn’t really heard from her, which makes her wonder if Suzi is partying her patootie off over at Hernando’s Hacienda, doing two-for-one tequila shots with a guy that goes by El Jefe. Or, you know, she could just be passed out on her bathroom floor after guzzling a box of the finest box wine available at the Wal-Greens, like she always does.
Over in West Virginia, Leah and Jeremy are searching for houses that will accommodate Ali’s wheelchair, as well as the rest of their troupe. After Leah deems one house unacceptable, she goes home to Skype call her pal, Kayla, who lives in Las Vegas. Kayla instantly comments on “how long” Leah’s hair is. (Yup, it’s amazing how long hair can get when a producer makes you wear clip-on hair pieces to cover up the fact that your real hair looks like the ‘do sported by the Long Island Medium!)
She then starts bitching about money, telling Kayla that Corey has been slacking on paying Ali’s medical bills. Apparently, he is supposed to pay 60 percent of the medical bills, and only gives Leah $200 in child support a month. (Only $100 a twin? That’s a pretty good deal for him!)
Leah says that when Corey is late on the bills, it causes stress for her and Jeremy. “Well has it improved since you started selling makeup?” Kayla asks. (She legit had a hard time keeping a straight face while asking that. You could totally see Kayla attempting not to laugh!)
Leah reveals that she hasn’t really been selling the Mary Kay all that much lately. (Wait, what?! But it’s her business!!!) Dozens of West Virginian women will have to go to bed tonight lipgloss-less because of Leah’s laziness. A true tragedy has fallen over “The Virginias.”
Kayla encourages Leah to fight Corey for more money.
“I mean, how much more money can you take from your kids?” Leah asks. (And, of course, by “kids” she means “me.”) Ol’ Corey best be selling off some of his huntin’ gear to pay for his youngins’ Lunchables or Leah will stick “The Law” on him!
It’s time for Leah to go see what ceiling fan Aleeah is currently swinging from, so she bids her long-distance pal farewell. She says that she doesn’t really have any friends left that will listen to her whine about how she can’t get the $3,000 “wusher and dryer.” It really is tragic, y’all.
In South Dakota, Chelsea and Other Chelsey are busy trying to build a fire in the outdoor fire pit of The Orange Mansion. (Seriously, can someone please call Smokey the Bear now? Giving Chelsea and Other Chelsey anything flammable is about as bad of an idea as giving Adam the keys to a car and a cooler full of PBR.)
Chelsea finds a piece of wood to throw on the fire but it has a “giant” spider on it so she throws it down and runs away. Ultimately, they end up forgoing the wood and just burning printouts of Adam’s legal history to get the fire going. (There’s enough paper there to keep a small town warm for at least a week!)
Next, the Chelseas grab some beer and talk about A-D-A-M. Chelsea reveals that Aubree came home from Adam’s house talking about her new friend “Jessica.” When Chelsea inquired more, it appears that “Jessica” is not a five-year-old playmate of Aubree’s. She’s actually a “playmate” of Adam’s. Yes, kids, somehow Adam has managed to find yet another brain-dead girl that lets him put his rooster in her henhouse.
Chelsea is understandably upset that Adam has already brought Aubree around this new broad. She’s worried that Aubree will get confused as to why her daddy has his hands under a different woman’s skirt every time she visits. Of course, Adam denied that he introduced Aubree to his new “girlfriend.” (To be fair, there have been so many girls that he may not even remember who the hell Jessica is!)
In addition, Chelsea has had to deal with Taylor, who recently broke up with Adam and now wants to be BFFs with Chelsea. Taylor is always texting Chelsea to get the 411 on where Adam is and what he’s doing. (Not to mention who he’s doing!)
Chelsea is less-than-thrilled, of course, and has no desire to hang out with Taylor, braid each other’s hair and talk crap on Adam.
In West Virginia, Leah is doing her best to use up some of her excess Mary Kay, so she’s tracked down her cousin Chastity and is spraying some Peaches ‘n’ Cream foundation on her face.
Of course, we all know that Leah isn’t interested in learning to do spray makeup. (She could just ask Chelsea how to do it at the next reunion!) The real reason she dragged her cousin over is so that she can get someone to listen to her whine about Corey. If she’s being threatened with a hose full of Mary Kay coming at her face, Chastity won’t attempt to get up and leave.
Apparently, things have gotten quite heated between Corey and Leah over the last few days. After Leah demanded more money for “the twins” from Corey, he called her a bitch and told her that he (like everybody else that watches this stupid show) is tired of hearing Leah bitch about money.
Apparently Corey once told Leah that he didn’t have enough money to pay her $800 a month so she let him slide on it. Now, however, Corey is living the good life, which, in their neck of the woods apparently means having a new truck and a house that doesn’t have any of its rooms condemned by the state.
Now that Corey is rolling in the cash, Leah wants him to pay more for the twins. She’s tired of arguing about it with him and says that she is going to see The Law to get things worked out.
While she’s meeting with the “law-yer” Leah plans to get medical rights to Ali so that she doesn’t have to go through Corey to get things done for Ali’s care. She asks Chastity if she thinks what she’s doing is right. Chastity just looks straight-out scared about the whole situation. She agrees with Leah, but I’m fairly certain it’s only because she doesn’t want Leah to spray any more of that orange goop on her. She’s already going to have to bathe in astringent to de-orange herself as it is.
In Delaware, Baby Lincoln is busy being super cute (but, alas, there is no bearsuit this episode). He goes with Kail to fetch Isaac. When they arrive, Isaac is having a massive fit, which causes Lincoln to lose his sh*t. Both kids are screaming bloody murder and Kail just puts them in the car and takes them home. She puts Isaac in time out and Lincoln on the breast and is somehow able to just tune out the screaming.
Kail finally gets Isaac to calm down and they head out to pick up Javi from the airport. The boys’ meltdown has caused them to be a little late, but eventually they find him. Javi is thrilled to be home, and doesn’t even mind that Lincoln is crying again. Isaac wakes up and is happy to see that Javi is back. Javi says that being away made him realize how much he cherishes his family. It’s very sweet…but also kinda boring….next….
Meanwhile, Chelsea and Other Chelsey have managed to avoid starting a house fire. They decide to head up to Chelsea’s family’s cabin for the weekend. (Oh, great, put these two knuckleheads in the middle of the forest and give them a match. That sounds like a plan for success!)
They pile up the dogs and start driving. Chelsea regales us with the tale of how Aubree was conceived. Apparently, Chelsea’s family’s cabin is where she and Adam used to go fornicate when they were teenagers. Awww, now that’s just special. They should hang a plaque up in the cabin or something to commemorate that.
Adam, meanwhile, has taken Aubree to the zoo. Of course, Aubree isn’t the only girl that is attending the zoo festivities. Adam has also brought Jessica, his Playboy Playmate wannabe girlfriend. Paislee, Adam’s daughter by Taylor, also gets to go along.
Now Jessica seems like quite the catch. With bleached blond hair, tattoos and eyebrows that scream “I stood too close to the gas stove!” Jessica is the perfect gal for Adam. Aubree and Adam go ride a camel (Jessica, meanwhile, seems to have gotten one of the camel’s toes stuck in her tight pink pants…Sorry, I couldn’t help it.)
Later, the group gets together for lunch and Adam surprises everyone when he starts talking about what a good mom Chelsea is to Aubree. (I think he figured that he and Jessica would be long over when this aired, so if Chelsea heard him say this, it might open to door for him to get a little pickle-tickling from Chelsea. He’s smarter than we think, folks.)
In Carolina, Jenelle and Barb are taking a “Gal’s Day Out” while Nathan watches “the kids.” Barbara doesn’t know where they’re going, but she says, “Oh gawd! I hope we’re not gonna get a tattoo!” before cackling about how funny she’d look with a tattoo on her breast. (Can you imagine?! O.M.G.)
Bab’s breasts will remain unmarked for now, however. Jenelle has planned a spa day for her and her mother. She (well, MTV, actually but…) treats her mother to a facial and a massage, as well as a manicure. While they are getting their nails done, Barbara tells Jenelle that Jace is getting ridiculously bad, and Jenelle brings up the fact that he doesn’t act like that their house.
Jenelle tells Barbara that eventually she will want to take Jace back. Babs agrees but says that Jenelle and Nathan will have to quit fighting if they ever hope to get Jace to live in their home.
The next day, Jenelle heads to her lawyer’s office. She arrives and the lawyer informs her that she is officially divorced from Courtland, who failed to show up to the hearing. She’s stoked that she was able to divorce Courty before she popped out Kaiser, and that she has rid herself of the Rogers last name. Aww, Courtland. I will miss you so much. The Coldsore King will live forever in my heart.
Jenelle goes to pick up Nathan, who got in a “quick lift” before she arrived. Jenelle tells Nathan that she’s happy to have “Evans” back as her last name. “Um, too bad you’re not going to have it as your last name for very long because, duh, we’re going to get married soon.” Ugh.
In South Dee-ko-tah, Chelsea and Other Chelsey and their friend Tiffany are having fun at the cabin. They are fishing and– what else?– talking about Adam. Chelsea reveals that she kind of wants a boyfriend that will take her fishing. Well, Chels, there are plenty of fish in the sea (and on Plenty of Fish.com!) And, truthfully, whoever you chose can’t be worse than Adam…unless you plan to date Charles Manson or something.
After the fishing trip ends, the Chelseys are heading back into town when Chelsea announces that she is planning to get her vagina lasered. (No this actually happened, I’m not just being funny here.) She says that she plans to make her baby-maker hairless once and for all and
Other Chelsey squeals that it’s “such a great idea, OMG!”
Um..so she wants her vagina to match Adam’s head? She also explains that the procedure also includes them lasering the hair off your butt.
“I’m gonna have a pretty kitty!” Chelsea proclaims proudly. I’m sure poor Randy (and just about everyone else watching) cringed while sitting through this scene. I really don’t want to picture Chelsea’s kitty, sorry.
In West Virginia, things are still tense between Leah and Corey. Leah has filed papers regarding the extra child support money, and medical rights over Ali, which does not make Corey very happy. He tells his wife, Miranda, he’d rather go to court and have a lawyer and judge tell him what to do, rather than have Leah do it. He says that he’s not a deadbeat dad, and he shouldn’t be punished financially because Leah decides she wants more money. He also worries that his money may not make it to the girls.
Meanwhile, Leah and Jeremy are chatting about the situation. (Ali and Aleeah are busy tearing the couch cushions apart, as you do.) While frying up some type of “Helper” in the skillet, Leah tells Jeremy that she’s tired of relying on Corey to deal with Ali’s problems.
Jeremy says that Corey’s getting off pretty easy.
“I know guys that make less than he does and their ex-old ladies are drillin’ them for a grand a month!” Jeremy says. (For some reason I feel like Jeremy’s going to watch this episode back in about three years and find himself in this exact same position…anyone else?)
Over in South Dakota, it’s paaartay time for Chelsea, which means hair teasing and duckface selfies! They head over to “Fritz’s Bar” and yell “Hiiiiii!” as soon as they walk through the door. They meet up with more duckfaced friends and all cheers to being kid-free for the weekend!
“Like everyone here is like old,” Chelsea proclaims. Chelsea then declares that she wants to pee, which most likely takes places in a bucket in the corner marked “Broads” or “Brutes.”
The girls get more beers and overuse the word “bitches,” which really needs to stop. Seriously,
Over in Carolina, Nathan and Jenelle are busy putting together Kaiser’s crib and trying to come up with a middle name for their spawn. Jenelle wants it to be “Abel” and Nathan is full of Bible stories about that name. (Wait– what? Neanderthal Nate actually knows about the Bible? I figured the only Bible he had is one of those that is hollowed out so that you can put your flask in it!)
Nathan says that he doesn’t want his kid named after someone that was murdered in the Bible, or something. (I’m still backing “Bitch of a Daughta” if Kaiser ends up being a girl! Just sayin…)
Jenelle arrives to Babs’ house to find Jace terrorizing Barbara and Gabriel.
“Oh, hi, Juh-nelle!” an exhausted Barbara mutters.
Babs explains how bad Jace has been and Jenelle says it’s because Jace doesn’t have his own space at Barbara’s house. Jenelle says that Babs favors Gabriel because she can’t handle Jace anymore because he’s too bad.
“I’m gettin’ wahrried about Jace!” Babs says, but Jenelle doesn’t want to hear it. Barbara says that Jace, like Jenelle, is bipolar. Jenelle denies that she has bipolar.
“Ya act like bipolar!” Babs says.
Jenelle says that when she’s with Jace, he tells her all of the things he’s done, including breaking tables and terrorizing cousins. She tells Babs that he’s happy to tell her all of this because he knows Jenelle won’t yell at him like Barb will. Ummmm!??! Or…maybe he shouldn’t be allowed to break tables in the first place?
“Juhhnelle, shut up!” Barb screams, adding that Jenelle has no reason to give her advice because she doesn’t live there and doesn’t raise Jace.
“This four-year-old kid destroyed my house, destroyed everything I own, just like you did!” Barb says, to which Jenelle argues that it’s because Barb treats him like he’s “some sort of hellion.”
Well, number one, he is, and number two…where the heck did Jenelle learn a big word like “hellion?” Somebody‘s been hitting the hooked on phonics! Get it girl!
Jenelle argues that it’s just Jace being a boy, and that all boys destroy tables, kick other kids in the head and beat up their grandmothers. Babs sends them both away and seems relieved that the hellion is finally out of her house.
Next week, Jeremy and Leah (and her soccer mom haircut) team up against Corey about the child support, and Chelsea must deal with seeing Adam’s skanky girlfriend in the flesh. So basically…practice your “Jerry! Jerry” chants because it’s going to get good!
Wanna read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2?’ Click here!