‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 5B Episode 9: Custody Battles & Bad Mom Hair

That shirt isn't exactly helping either. Just sayin...
That shirt isn’t exactly helping either. Just sayin…

Welcome to another episode of Teen Mom 2! The Ashley is a bit behind in watching these episodes (obviously), but from what she has seen on The Internet, there should be enough bad parenting in this episode to make Dr. Drew throw his hands up in the hair and yell, “EFF this!” and walk away from doing those reunion specials.

Anyway, on with the show!

We start things off with Kail, who is Isaac-less because he’s at Jo‘s for the weekend. (They do a quick shot of Jo and Isaac eating dinner to prove that Jo is still alive. We haven’t seen him for a few episodes. )

Shouldn't the waiter have carded them, being that they're on a show called 'Teen Mom 2?'
Shouldn’t the waiter have carded them, being that they’re on a show called ‘Teen Mom 2?’

Anyway, Kail and Javi head out on a date to celebrate Javi’s homecoming. They go to a fancy restaurant (i.e. no sawdust on the floor and no entrees that have a name starting with “Rootin’ Tootin.'”)

Immediately the waiter brings over the wine list, which just seems wrong on a show called ‘Teen Mom.’ However, it’s then that we realize that these girls are no longer 16. Hell, they’re not even teenagers anymore. They can drink wine and not have it make it onto the front page of TMZ the next morning. This is a scary world.)

Javi is considering get a glass of wine but says that he’s never ordered a glass of wine at a restaurant before. He asks Kail how to order it, but she, unfortunately, doesn’t have experience ordering a glass of wine either.

“I don’t know people who drink a glass of wine. I only know people that drink a bottle of wine,” she says.

Awww….it was nice of Kail to give her mom a shoutout like that! Hey Suzi!

“We’re adults!” Javi declares as the waiter pours the wine for them. Kail is worried that she didn’t dress up enough for such a fancy place and that she sticks out because of her casual hair and outfit.

Um, well, that big ol’ ‘Teen Mom 2’ camera crew probably didn’t help much, either. Just sayin’…

Later, they discuss their upcoming family vacation. Kail is unhappy because the date that they are going on vacation happens to fall over Father’s Day weekend, when Isaac will be at Jo’s for his six-week summer visit. Kail is hoping that Jo will allow Isaac to go with them, but she doesn’t think he will give in that easily.

"If I see you taking out your spray tanning gun, I'm outta her, Ma!"
“If I see you taking out your spray tanning gun, I’m outta her, Ma!”

Next we head over to South Dakota, where it’s apparently Take Your Child To Work Day over at Chelsea‘s day spa. Aubree is playing in Chelsea’s facial room and Chelsea decides to give her a facial. While this is a really cute scene, shouldn’t Chelsea be working on actual clients during work hours? Perhaps she’s already touched up every orange-faced woman in South Dakota for the day, who knows?

Over in West Virginia, Leah has yet to hear anything from Corey regarding the child support filing she submitted a few days ago, asking for more money. Leah, who is hanging out at Jeremy‘s parent’s house for the day, tells us that with everything going on she’s—wait for it— been really stressed so “she’s taking some time off.”

Um…from what? The tanning salon job? I figured they canned her raggedy ass as soon as she turned into Suzi McSlurs-a-lot when she was on her pill bender.

"I guess you'll be wantin' the sex soon?"
“I guess you’ll be wantin’ to do sex to me soon?”

Anyway, she finds  Jeremy lying on his childhood bed. She tells him that she’s exhausted and that her new “mom hair” is super-sweaty.

I guess that qualifies as a pick-up line in West Virginia?

Unfortunately for Jeremy, Leah is not interested in a twin-bed romp. Instead, she starts blabbering on about Corey and the “law-yers” and the custody battle. As soon as she starts yapping, Jeremy gets that glazed-over look we’ve all come to love this season. (It’s the same look he had when Leah was trying to buy the $3,000 ‘wusher’ and dryer.) She asks him if he’s proud of her for sticking up for herself to Corey, and Jeremy declares that he is, indeed, proud because, well, Corey’s “a piece of s**t.”

We then learn an interesting fact; it turns out that Aleeah is on Jeremy’s insurance, not Corey’s like her twin sister. Hmm….

Jeremy says that Corey should be calling the insurance company every day trying to fetch a wheelchair for Ali, and Leah says that she hates all this fighting because she’s always wanted “a decent friendship” with Corey. (“Friendship,” eh? Um, wasn’t it you that ditched your engagement to Jeremy a season or so ago because you were thinking about jumping back into the sack with Corey? You wanted a lot more than a “friendship!”)

"Um...no, I'm good thanks."
“A life without a truck wouldn’t even be worth livin’.”

She says that, because Corey hasn’t been paying his share, she’s through trying to give him a break on child support. She doesn’t care if he gets his house taken away or his truck repo’d (Gassssp! Can y’all imagine how big of a laughing stock Corey would be if he were truck-less? A man without his truck in The WV isn’t even considered a man!)

Finally, we check in with Jenelle, who is preparing for Baby Kaiser’s arrival. Jace is staying at Casa de Jenelle for the weekend, and, for some reason, Jenelle waits until Jace is in the room to start talking smack on the kid. She explains to Nathan what Barbara said about Jace being a terrorist, etc. at school, all while Jace listens. (Well, if he wasn’t already headed down the road to someday appearing on an episode of Cops, he certainly will be now that he knows what the adults in his life really think of him!)

But why is Nathan wearing a wetsuit top? From the 1980s?
But why is Nathan wearing a wetsuit top? From the 1980s?

“I don’t think he’s physically traumatized, he’s emotionally traumatized by how she treats him,” Nathan tells Jenelle, again ignoring the fact that Jace is literally sitting next to him at this point. They continue to bag on Barb, and decide that they need to “tag team” Barbara and try to get her to sign over custody of Jace to them.

“There’s no way in hell that if we took Barbara to court that we wouldn’t not get custody.”

So.Many.Double.Negatives….I can’t….

Over at Corey’s house, the twins are playing with Miranda so Corey and his dad Jeff decide to grill and talk about the papers he recently received from Leah’s “law-yer.” Corey’s dad says he thought that everything was good between them.

“We’s was doin’ fine,” Corey says. (And, this time, I swear he actually said that. I didn’t make that one up. It was like a little gift, just for me.)

"All of this thinkin' and readin' is hurtin' my head."
“All of this thinkin’ and readin’ is hurtin’ my head.”

Corey’s dad assists Corey by reading the papers to him. He explains that Leah wants more money and medical authority over Ali. Corey says that the girls are better off at his house, and that he’d like more custody of them because Leah hasn’t been taking Ali to therapy, and he doesn’t like a lot of the things Leah chooses to do, parenting-wise. (Hey, at least the girls get to eat real food at Corey’s house! A kid can only eat so many Cheese Puffs and Lunchables, Leah!)

Corey tells us that this custody battle, “ain’t gonna be nice.” Dun.Dun.Dun.

Back in New Jersey, Kail is picking up Isaac. She decides to ask Jo about taking Isaac on vacation with her and Javi. Jo is kind of worried about having Isaac for six weeks, and is being surprisingly nice to Kail. She then asks Jo about the vacation, but Jo isn’t happy about missing Father’s Day with his son. He’s trying to be rational, which is pretty incredible being that it’s Jo. He’s being really nice and tells Kail that he’s not OK with that. Kail’s clearly unhappy but it’s hard for her to be mad because Jo is being so damn nice about everything. A nice Jo is kind of like a sober Suzi. I don’t know how to deal with that.

How I felt during Taylor's hair-washing scene.
How I felt during Taylor’s hair-washing scene.

Meanwhile, Aubree is about to have her first T-ball game, and Chelsea is doubtful that Adam will make an appearance. Then, randomly, we change over to Adam’s old girlfriend, Taylor, getting her hair done.

Um…why are we watching some chick that we don’t even care about getting her hair washed? Taylor is telling her friend that she now understands how Chelsea felt because Adam has a new girlfriend that is always around their daughter, Paislee. Um, yeah, even with the Chelsea mention, we still don’t care. Can we just skip to the clip of Adam being arrested? (I’m sure he was arrested this week at least one or two times, right?)

Taylor says she can’t believe that Adam left his family for some blond bimbo cougar.

In Carolina, Jenelle doesn’t agree with Nathan that it’s the right time to talk to Barb about custody of Jace. That’s because, after Nathan left, Jace revealed that he was happy staying at Barb’s during the week and didn’t want to live with Nathan and Jenelle, despite the fact that he told Nathan he did. Nathan is still undeterred about getting custody of Jace, so Jenelle explains that it’s best for them to focus on becoming stable for the new baby’s arrival before doing anything.

"Hold on, I'm watching a leg-shaving tutorial on YouTube right now."
“Hold on, I’m watching a leg-shaving tutorial on YouTube right now.”

Wait… Jenelle is being the reasonable person in an argument? And Jo is nice? And Suzi is sober? WTF show am I watching?! I don’t know but I don’t like it. Somebody better start arguing about Kesha concerts pretty soon or I’m going to lose it!

Nathan, of course, turns Jenelle’s statement into an argument. He screams to Jenelle that Jace isn’t getting the “patience and love” over at Barb’s that he can get at their house. (Isn’t it ironic….don’t you think?) Oh,and he does this while wearing a spandex T-shirt that he’s cut the sleeves off of to create some sort of leotard.

Jenelle comes back with a zinger, telling him, “Why don’t you worry about your daughter, and I’ll worry about my son!”

Oooooh. In.The.Face.

Um...can we just talk about THIS for a moment?!
Um…can we just talk about THIS for a moment?!

Nathan storms off but continues to scream at Jenelle, demonstrating more of that “patience” and “love” Jace could get if he lived with them.

"I don't always tell jokes...but when I do they're usually about Vee's vagina."
“I don’t always tell jokes…but when I do they’re usually about Vee’s vagina.”

Meanwhile, Jo is talking to Vee about Kail’s proposition of taking Isaac for Father’s Day. Vee is eating some crackers out of a box, and Jo keeps trying to eat some.

“Go away! You have your own box!” she tells him. “Well…what if I want to eat out of your box?” Jo says slyly, clearly proud of himself for making a tongue-in-cheek sex joke. (Hey, this is Jo, who generally has the personality of a piece of cardboard, that we’re talking about. The fact that he made a semi-decent joke is kind of front page news.)

At least all that Sour Patch lip-smacking distracts from the mom hair.
At least all that Sour Patch lip-smacking distracts from the mom hair.

Back in West Virginia, Jeremy and Leah are driving to fetch their youngins from Corey. Leah, who is loudly smacking her lips as she gobbles down a giant box of Sour Patch Kids, comments that her new hairdo “looks like mom hair.” Jeremy says it actually looks like “sex hair.” (At least, I think that’s what he said. Can we get some subtitles up in here, MTV?!)

Um…am I the only one that thinks it looks like Long Island Medium hair? If Leah gets herself a crystal ball, she can probably trick a bunch of hicks into thinking she’s that fortune-telling lady from the reality show, what with her camera crew and all. Um…money problems, solved! You’re welcome.

teen mom 2
“Lord, give me the strength not to rip her ‘mom hair’ outta her head!”

Jeremy and Leah arrive at “the drop-off” to meet Corey and Miranda. Leah immediately starts harping about “The In-surance” and scolds Corey for not calling more. Corey insists that he’s doing the best he can and that he’s at the mercy of the in-surance company. Meanwhile, Miranda is standing with her head down, willing herself not to go batsh*t crazy on Leah’s ass.

Leah tells Corey to “just keep calling” and finally Corey is fed up. He gathers his thoughts (and randomly spits on the ground, as you do) and decides to bring up the fact that Leah has caused Ali to miss several of her therapy appointments. “What we was told we wasn’t very happy about it,” Corey starts, before he mentions the missed therapy appointments. Of course, Leah comes completely unglued.

Leah insists that there were good reasons for the missed appointments and starts swearing at Corey for bringing it up. With that, Corey turns to Jeremy to be his ally, but Leah shoots Jeremy a dagger look that basically tells him if he sides with Corey, his plug with never again see the inside of Leah’s socket.

"Jeremy, hold my Sour Patch, I'm gonna get him!"
“Jeremy, hold my Sour Patch, I’m gonna get him!”

Things erupt, as Leah and Corey are screaming back and forth. “COREY TYLER!” Leah screams, as if he was one of the youngins that was misbehaving. Corey just shakes his head and smiles and you can tell he just wants to jam that box of Sour Patch Kids down his ex-wife’s throat.


Jeremy and Miranda try to intervene and reason with their spouses, but nothing seems to be working. “It’s all y’all!” Corey screams. (I feel at this point Corey’s quotes are seriously just for me.) They decide that they will deal with everything in court.

Here’s a question: why doesn’t Leah just put on her headset from a few episodes ago and give the in-surance people a call herself?

Literally the perfect description of Adam
Literally the perfect description of Adam

We then finally get back to Aubree and Chelsea going to the softball game. (I guess Taylor’s hair appointment is over?) Chelsea tells Aubree that everyone is coming to watch her game, and she immediately asks if her daddy will be attending. Chelsea has no clue if Adam will be able to take time from trimming his soul patch to make it to his daughter’s game. Halfway through Adam (and his girlfriend, Jessica) arrive, looking like they just stepped off the set of Farrah Abraham‘s latest skin flick.  Aubree is thrilled to see him, but Chelsea is not.

Aubree is having a great time running around on the field, and Chelsea goes to bitch about Adam and his “p0rn star girlfriend” to her mom, South Dee-ko-tah Mary. (While this is going on, Aubree’s T-ball game has basically turned into a toddler wrestling match, for some reason.) During the entire game, Adam’s girlfriend is looking at her phone (possibly booking webcam appointments?)

Is it wrong to place bets on toddler wrestling matches?
Is it wrong to place bets on toddler wrestling matches?

Adam is ready to bolt as soon as the last toddler is tackled, and afterward Chelsea and Other Chelsey discuss how old Adam’s girlfriend looks. They take bets on how many months it will take Adam, the Sultan of Sperm, to impregnate her. Chelsea says it will take two months for him to knock this broad up.

In Carolina, Jenelle has arrived at Casa de Babs to help set up for her baby shower. Nathan has still refused to help decorate, but little Jace graciously offers to help. Jenelle seems less-than-enthused about his offer, so Jace sadly asks, “You don’t want to do it with me?” Jace tells his mom that, “If he doesn’t want to go, we’ll go by ourselves. It’s your choice.” Wow, Jace is really smart.

Jenelle collapses into tears, telling Jace how mean Nathan is to her. Jace tries to make her feel better by singing a song about rainbows, which is both incredibly sweet and heartbreaking at the same time. In another attempt to help Jenelle stop crying, Jace tells her that, his “mom” has ice cream sandwiches that she can have. Of course, this makes Jenelle even more upset, because he is referring to Barb as his mother instead of Jenelle.

Jenelle pulls up to Barb’s house.

“Oh, hi Juh-nelle!” Babs yells.

"It's the ti-tosterone! He's ragin' on the steroids!"
“It’s the ti-tosterone! He’s ragin’ on the steroids!”

Jenelle informs Barb that Nathan is being a bitchy little girl and won’t be helping them set up for the baby shower, which makes Babs angry.

“Is he doin’ his ti-tosterone?” Babs asks. “He seems like he’s in a steroid rage!”

Not gonna lie…hearing Barb say “ti-tosterone” basically made my whole damn year.

Jenelle denies that Nathan is roided up on the “ti-tosterone” and is busy playing on her phone, which pisses Barb off. Immediately Babs yells at Jenelle to get off the phone, which makes Jenelle yell about everyone yelling at her. Barb yells that she’s not yelling and it’s honestly just ridiculous at this point. Jenelle storms out, and it’s just like the olden days of Season 1 and 2, except Barb isn’t charging out of the house with laundry baskets full of Jenelle’s stuff.

"He's not on steroids mom! He's just always drunk!"
“He’s not on steroids mom! He’s just always drunk!”

Oh, how I miss those days…

As Jenelle speeds off, Barb heads to the phone to bitch out Nathan, all while poor Jace is left crying. He’s clearly upset by all of the stuff he’s witnessed over the last day or so. Seriously, can someone page Dr. Drew and get him to North Carolina ASAP?

“I’m gonna cancel the friggin’ showa!” Babs yells, while Jace tries to comfort himself.

“Nathan, what is wrong with you?!” Barb yells into the phone. She cusses into the phone and knocks over a chair, as Jace cries. It’s so, so sad. I really wish Jace could go live with Kail, Chelsea or Leah.

Back in West Virginia, we are given the opportunity to listen in on Jeremy and Leah’s conversation during the car ride home from the big fight with Corey. Leah asks Jeremy is he’s mad that she cussed, and when he doesn’t say anything, she cusses some more, and then Jeremy cusses. All of this is happening while one of the twins keeps asking, “Can we go with Dad?” I’d say it’s a hot mess but….with Leah and that hair…that’s kind of a stretch with the “hot” part. Aleeah then tells them both to, “Be quiet!”

I so agree, Aleeah.

Next week, Chelsea’s mad that Taylor is “posting selfies” of her kid, Leah’s mad that Corey is trying to get full custody of the twins, Kail is mad that Isaac is leaving for six weeks, and Jenelle is mad that a baby is coming out of her hooha.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)









  1. I watch the show every week but I’m just finding about your reviews and OMG! the way you type the “lawyers” and “Juh-nelle” has me dying of laughter! and all of corey & nathan’s poor grammar! lol keep writing these please! they truly make my day 🙂

  2. First and foremost, I’m obsessed with your recaps. I look forward to them.

    Second: Jace broke my heart in this episode. His sweet offers. His singing that precious song at that moment… I’m not an emotional person but I found myself getting very choked up over that. He loves Janelle so much and she treats him like an accessory.

  3. “… whileJace tries to comfort himself” is the saddest thing I have ever read. I can just imagine how sad and unloved he feels and yet, even the person that takes care of him (Babs) can’t see how hurt he is. He reaches out and no one is there. There is nothing in this world that can make a child feel worse than feeling unloved. At some point Jace is going to feel the need to make himself feel better, I just hope he doesn’t turn to alcohol or drugs.

  4. I knew as soon as I heard Babs say “ti-tosterone” I knew The Ashley was going to be in Heaven! With that being said, Dr.Phil’s quote about not burdening a child with something they have no control over needs to be introduced into these girls life. Chelsea is the only one who doesn’t talk bad about Adam in front of Aubree. Kail isn’t as bad as Leah and Jenelle/Nathan but she still does it. Barbara is a wonderful Grandmother for taking in and caring for Jace when Jenelle wouldn’t but with Jenelle still in the picture its a chaotic mess. He needs a more suitable environment.

  5. I love your comments about the guys of the show. Now when I see Nathan in one of his wetsuit tops from the 80’s, I bust out laughing. I wonder if he has any clothes other than his cut up American Gladiator wannabe shirts or the suits he gets from Strip-O-Grams ‘R Us? My husband watches this show with me now so we can make fun of it together, and I’m always pointing out things you say in your re-caps, which of course make the show even funnier. Thank you for making us laugh!

  6. I totally was on Jo’s side for once. I can’t believe she had the nerve to ask him to give up Father’s Day with his only child. I’m sure that Javi has a limited schedule with his being enlisted and all, but imagine if Vee asked to have him on Mother’s Day – Kail would lose her shit! Really selfish move on Kails part. I’m sure she thought she had to at least try…. But come on. I though Jo handled it extremely diplomatically (shockingly).

    What was REALLY surprising was how Javi actually thought it was reasonable to ask in the first place, and then seemed genuinely upset Jo said no. He usually ses super grounded in reality. He must really not respect Jo.

    1. I’m surprised Javi had any leave left to take, for as much as he travels with Kailyn for reunions, and other apperances. You get 30 days a year. And they could have picked a different time to go as long as he didn’t have major training, which the air force doesn’t train in the field as much as other branches, but I feel like Kailyn picked father’s day to up the drama, because how would she survive if there was no drama for a day in her life

      1. Kail actually said on twitter that she celebrated mother’s day on a different day (not sure why) and the trip was booked through a company she works for so she couldn’t pick the dates. I think both her and Jo handled it well.

        1. What company is she working for? And she didn’t handle it well, she talked so much crap on Jo after she left the park. Saying he can’t take care of his child while en route to drop him off was immature. She shouldn’t have asked at all, it’s Jo’s time with his son and she needs to respect that.

        2. I have quite a few friends who sell Scentsy, and they have never had a trip offered or booked through the company, so I’m not buying it. And wasn’t the tip to the Bahamas, and she said before it was for her honeymoon?

          1. You can look it up online and it will tell you they do offer trips as rewards. I think you have to sell a certain amount to get the trip. Kail probably sells more than your friends do because she is on a TV show.

  7. I agree Jace should have a better home, but clearly none of the other teen moms have their stuff together either. Heck Leah could have given jenelles mouth a run for her money..

    1. Maybe Chelsea? For whatever else she doesn’t get around to, she does seem to have a stable relationship with Aubree. Any votes for sending Jace to Kail or Leah? Or maybe Smirnoff Suzi, now that she might be kinda not as drunk?

  8. I would take Jace, but my family is just as messed up right now lol so it probably wouldn’t help much.

    Now if I lived on my own that would be a different story.

  9. Watching Jace cry and reach out to his grandmother after his mother drives off only to have his grandma push him away was so incredibly heartbreaking. I feel so bad for Jace, he’s such a cute kid and although Barb is a treasure, he deserves so much more. I almost cringe to think what will happen in the future when he’s grown up. Why is everyone always so mad?!

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