It’s time for The Bachelor! Y’all grab a stick of hay to chew on and let’s get started!
The episode starts where last week’s left off, with one eliminated girl, Kimberly, begging Chris to stay. Chris is contemplating it and the other girls are not happy about it. After all, they’ve been strapped into their Spanx for nearly 12 hours and their foundation wore off three mimosas ago. They are not ready to extend the evening so Chris can allow some other broad to try to take their made-for-TV husband.
Chris lets her stay and the other girls pretend that they are OK it. Come on girls; there’s no Miss Congeniality award here, let’s get bitchy!
The next morning, the women meet with Chris H. and he tells them that Chris is staying right next door. He tells them to “create time” to hang out with him. (So, basically, they are hoping one of these girls gets all trampy, pulls a “Claire” and persuades Chris to have a nude romp in the pool.)
Meanwhile, Chris is busy showering…outside. (UM? I know he lives on a farm, but must he rinse off outdoors like a horse? At least get the man a trough.)
Chris H. tells the gals that some of them will be going on the first group date. Six women are “dressed down,” sporting their best Urban Outfitters fashions in an attempt to look “country.” One girl is even wearing overalls. (Ladies, stop trying to make overalls work. They’re not going to work again. In the words of Andi Dorfman, “STOP.IT.”)
Chris tells the girls that today they’ll be stripping down for a pool party! They play awkward pool games, as Ashley I. tries to keep her ridiculous cow eyelashes from getting wet. Meanwhile, Chris takes Kimberly aside and offers to reintroduce himself to her so they can have a “fresh start.” She gives him some sort of plant. He shakes her hand. I attempt to keep down my dinner.
Back at the house, Megan and some chick whose butt can’t stay in her bikini sneak over to Chris’ house to…try on his motorcycle helmet? Really? Hopefully they start stealing stuff. This season needs a few kleptos to spice things up.
On the date, the girls and Chris walk down the street in their bikinis, lookin’ like a bunch of mid-bender Lindsay Lohans, and realize that they will soon be riding tractors in the middle of the street…in their bikinis. This is actually even worse than I’d expect in terms of farm puns. Dear God, I’m not sure I can make it through a whole season of this crap.
Jade says she’s excited to do this because, “Who gets to do this?!” Um…insane people escaping from an asylum in Kansas?
None of the girls are able to figure out how the tractors work (shocking, I know), so it’s literally the slowest race ever. The only thing more boring than watching the tractor race is listening to Chris describe the race. Mercifully, the race ends and Ashley I is the winner. Not gonna lie; I’m kinda hoping one of the other girls just flattens Ashley with their tractor out of spite.
Afterward, the girls are all sitting on hay bales (in bathing suits and shorts—nothing says fun like straw up your hoohaa!) Chris gives the date rose to Mackenzie. Maybe it’s her overalls. Maybe it’s her outgoing personality. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Who knows, but the other chicks are totally pissed off. However, I’d be pissed too if I got left sitting there with a bunch of catty girls who have straw up their ass.
Tara says she always feels like she leaves a date empty-handed. Um, come on girl, you’re never empty-handed. You always have a drink in your hand.
Mackenzie changes out of her overalls and heads out on her one-on-one date with Chris. She’s “super, like, observant” so she asks Chris if he ever had his ears pierced (he has, by the way). Mackenzie is all giggly and bubbly (in other words, annoying). She coos over how cute Chris’ nose is (because it’s big). She then tells him that she may have seen some aliens at some point in her life. Chris is trying his best to not call security.
Mackenzie has a son (remember the unfortunately named boy, Kale?) and she’s scared to tell Chris. (She told him that she’s had alien encounters, yet is afraid to tell him she has a kid. Go figure.) She finally breaks the news (after lots of stuttering and giggling). She tells Chris that she’s tough because she worked until Kale shot out of her loins. Chris acts like he’s OK with it, but is probably just mad because he can’t dump her immediately, or everyone will say it’s because she has a kid. #BachelorProblems
He ends up giving her the rose and they start to awkwardly slow dance…by an Adam’s Family pinball machine…as you do.
Back at the Mansion, another date card arrives and it’s for Megan. (He probably just wants her to return the stuff she shoplifted from his house!) She gets to have a one-on-one, and Chris takes her on a helicopter ride over Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. He’s all proud of himself for the great date “he” planned. Chris and Megan have a picnic at the bottom of the canyon, and Megan starts telling the story of how she got on ‘The Bachelor.’ She says her boss told her that she should go on the show.
How does that even work? One day you’re just typing up a work memo and your boss comes over and is like, “Hey Megan, you’re kinda slutty and you have a lot of vacation time socked away. You should totally go on ‘The Bachelor!’” How creepy.
She then totally kills the mood by telling Chris that her dad died right before she left to come on the show. She says she’s worried about her mother, obviously, but that mom told her to “Take a leap of faith.” Nice mom. If it were me and my daughter left me the month after my husband died to go on a stupid dating show, I’d tell her to take a leap off a tall building. Naturally, he gives her the rose because…well, you always get a rose if you tell a sob story.
Back at home, Jordan is drunk, twerking in sweatpants and talking about Jillian’s hairy butt.
The next day, a date card arrives for another group of girls. They pile into limos and head into the middle of nowhere. All of a sudden, zombies start attacking their limos. The girls are screaming and are terrified of the zombies. Even scarier is Chris, who has what looks like sweat stains under his arms. He pops his head into the limo and the girls lose it. I hope one of them pooped their pants in fright and has to walk around with it in their pants all night.
Chris tells them that they will be going on a zombie hunt with paintballs. He has to take Ashley aside and explain to her that she isn’t actually allowed to kill any of the other girls.
Some of the other girls tell us that shooting zombies is “their jam.” You watch The Walking Dead. We get it. Now stop.
On the date, all of the girls are noticing that Ashley is completely off her rocker. She may be high. In fact, I hope she is because otherwise, she’s in trouble, mentally. She and Chris get some alone time, but Ashley just wants to play hide-and-go-seek. She can barely talk. Seriously, someone needs to get a net and capture this girl. Do they keep straightjackets on-hand in wardrobe? Hopefully they have Ashley’s size….
Kaitlyn assures us viewers that Ashley’s actions were not staged at all and that she is, indeed, nuts. (As Kaitlyn’s telling us this, Ashley is in the background crawling on the ground like a cat. As you do.)
Chris seems afraid of Ashley; however, he really likes Kaitlyn. They have some alone time and he immediately goes in for the kiss. Farmer Chris is taking a page out of Juan Pablo’s makeout book, apparently.
He also likes Britt. We know this because he says, “Holy Shhnikes” when he sees her. They have a lot of chemistry, and it’s so obvious he wants to tell the other girls to stay in the desert and take Britt straight to the Fantasy Suite. He offers her a “Free Kiss” card and then proceeds to eat her face. Ew. Also…ew.
Immediately afterward, he gives the rose to Kaitlyn. Britt immediately gives her the death stare. I believe the producers gave Ashley some sort of tranquilizer because she’s actually piped the f**k down for a few minutes.
The next night is the rose ceremony, so all of the girls are dolled up and hoping to get a rose. The first girl he pulls aside is Whitney, the fertility nurse. She brought him a bottle of whiskey from Iowa to remember her by. That gift basically says, “Drink this and I’ll keep getting prettier and my voice will keep getting less annoying.”
Ashley I. tells two other girls that she’s never had a boyfriend, or had sex before.
“Like, guys like to take a girl’s virginity,” Mackenzie says. “I’m jealous right now!”
Mackenzie realizes that she can’t even lie because…well, she got knocked up.
“He’s gonna, like, wanna take your virginity!” Mackenzie reassures her.
Chris takes Ashley I. aside. (She’s looking more and more like pre-second-nose-job Kim Kardashian by the second). She tells him he gets three wishes because…she has a belly button ring and somehow that makes sense. He rubs her belly button ring and they start to make out.
Next, Amber comes over and just straight-out asks to make out with Chris. This pisses off Jordan, who’s drunk (again). One of the older girls tells us that Jordan is hilarious but… “bless her heart” she’s drunk as a damn skunk. She interrupts another girl’s time with Chris to talk about lipstick and spray her nasty Smirnoff breath all over Chris’ face.
Finally it’s time for the roses to go out. The first one goes to Britt, which is no surprise. The next rose goes to Ashley I, and then Trina and Kelsey (the widow). Samantha gets a rose, as does Juelia. Unfortunately, another girl (Jillian) thinks she hears her name and steps forward…and then slips on the rug.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the wonderfulness that was this moment…
Chris keeps the flowers going out. He gives one to Amber and Tracey. Jillian is called and manages not to fall again. Jade is called, as is Nikki. The next girl called is Becca, and the rest of the girls are starting to get nervous. He calls Carly and then Whitney. Finally there’s only one rose left, and it goes to Ashley S. W.T.F. Well, we know that the producers got to have a pick.
That sends home drunken Jordan, drunken Tara, Kimberly (again), and the annoying flight attendant from last week. Kimberly is really bummed that Chris didn’t like her, even after he gave her a second chance. Tara says goodbye, while sobbing dramatically. Hey girl, no worries. You still have three important men in your life: Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo and Jim Beam. They’ll never let ya down.
The remaining girls cheer inside as Tara sadly listens outside. She says this will “haunt” her for the rest of her life. Oh dear God.
Next week on ‘The Bachelor,’ a car arrives bringing…Jimmy Kimmel?! Gotta love the ABC crossover going on here.