Well Juh-nelle, I see ya got anotha season!
Yes kids, Teen Mom 2 is back. Baby Jesus (and Viacom Inc.) have answered our prayers and dropped off another season full of Chelsea doing her hair, Leah trying (unsuccessfully) to keep it in her pants, Kail trying not to make fun of Jo‘s rap ‘career’ and Jenelle getting engaged to random dudes. To all of you who went to church and prayed that the reality Gods would once again smile upon us and give us more of Barbara and the gang, The Ashley thanks you.
Let’s get started before Jenelle gets arrested and I have to write about it instead of doing this recap!
The episode kicks off with a recap of last season. To sum it up: Jenelle crapped out a kid, yelled at everyone, and tried to get custody of Jace; Chelsea got a cosmetology license and Adam got arrested; Kail and Javi argued; Leah got ding-danged drugged out and wanted to put dye in the baby’s head…or something.
We start off with Kail, who is having trouble bringing Isaac to Jo’s place because it’s three hours away and she’s in college. (Like, actual college, where you have to go and stuff and not receive credit for being on an MTV reality show!)
Jo has decided that he wants to be closer to Isaac, so he may be moving to Delaware where Kail lives. Kail, naturally, is worried that Jo will move too close. (The sounds of Jo rapping and Vee twerking to the beat could keep a person up all night, you know!)
Unfortunately that’s not Kail’s only worry these days. She and Javi are not getting along. They keep yelling at each other so they have to go to counseling.
It’s Isaac’s birthday, and Kail’s gone all out because she only had two birthday parties when she was young so she wants better for her kids. (I’m sure those two birthday parties ol’ Smirnoff Suzi threw her were quite the fiesta. Suzi and whatever dude she was boning probably stuck a candle in an empty beer can and passed out before they could finish the birthday song.)
All of Kail’s oddly named friends are in attendance: Peach, Sterling, etc. and they go to a kiddie play area to celebrate. The next day, Kail and her friends are planning to go to a concert. Their plans require that Javi drives Isaac to Jo’s place in Jersey. They’re going to stay over in Philly at a hotel but Kail is worried that Javi will be unhappy about it. She asks him if he’s going to be a big ol’ baby about them staying over in a hotel. Javi says he won’t and agrees to the plan.
Meanwhile in Carolina, Jenelle and Nathan are taking Jace and Kaiser (Roll) to pick out a Christmas tree. Somehow Nathan has gotten hold of a saw (gulp) and is busy cutting down a tree. (Hopefully he checked it thoroughly to make sure it wasn’t the same tree that’s Kieffer’s now making his home in.)
After cutting the tree down, Jenelle takes Jace to have dinner with Barbara, who’s wondering what Jenelle has planned for her birthday. Jenelle says that Nathan has a surprise planned. (Anyone else think that going over to Barb’s, having her fry up a few doughboys and listening to her tell the story of the night her “bitch of a daughta” was born would be way better than whatever Nathan has planned?)
Babs tells Jenelle that Jace has been very bad at school. Although Jace denies it, Babs informs us that Jace hasn’t been listening, will not do his work and that when he comes back from Jenelle and Nathan’s house he is wetting the bed.
Babs thinks it may be Jenelle and Nathan’s epic screamfights that are causing Jace to repeat the bad behavior he’s seeing but Jenelle insists they don’t yell. (Um…please refer to the entire 5B season. I beg to differ on that.)
Next, Barbara brings up the fact that she never sees “Kaisa.” Jenelle says that’s because Barbara can’t get along with her boooooyfriend.
Next we check in with Chelsea, who is now dating a new guy named Cole. He’s really good with Aubree, which makes Chelsea (and Other Chelsey, who’s still around) very happy.
Chelsea gets an alarming email from Adam’s lawyer telling her that the Speed Demon Syphilis Bag wants 50/50 custody of Aubree. Chelsea calls up her dad Randy to inform him of the news and he comes over to talk about it. Chelsea tells him that Adam, who currently has only visitation of Aubree and no custody, wants joint custody and/or unsupervised visits. It’s ridiculous, of course, because Adam currently has no driver’s license, was just in jail and recently had one of his many p0rn star girlfriends file a restraining order against him. As you do.
Not only that, he has no health insurance for Aubree and hasn’t paid child support in five months. Someone needs to revoke his “World’s Best Father” coffee mug. (He’ll have to find something else to drink his Jack and Cokes out of.)
Chelsea decides to contact Adam’s other baby-momma Taylor to see if Adam is trying to get custody of their daughter Paislee. Randy doesn’t think Adam has a shot in hell of getting custody of any kids, but Chelsea’s still worried.
Finally, we head to West Virginia to see what Leah’s been doing (or rather, who she’s been doing) since we last saw her. It appears that Leah is struggling to take care of her three youngins. Jeremy is in town so he and Leah go out for a fine dinner. The restaurant features plastic patio chairs (yes) and a food bar so you know that it’s a fine dining establishment.
It’s been a while since Leah and Jeremy have had dinner together, and it’s been a crazy few months for them, what with all the “court, rumors, and people accusing them of cheating.”
Um…mind you, this scene was filmed after Jeremy blasted his wife in October via Twitter for cheating with Robbie and left the house. Filming for Season 6 didn’t start until December so this must have been filmed during their brief period of reconciliation.
Anyway, Leah still wants to go to therapy, but Jeremy’s work schedule doesn’t really allow for that. (Not to mention he’d have to find time in between Robbie and Leah’s bone sessions to make the appointments. It’s hard, y’all.)
Jeremy tells Leah that he has to work so much because he has to support Leah’s litter, Mary Kay habit and what not, but Leah doesn’t seem to get that hair extension money doesn’t grow on trees. She continues to badger Jeremy, and he finally tells her to eff out and storms out.
In Carolina, Jenelle recently moved (because, as you know, it wouldn’t be a ‘Teen Mom 2’ episode if Jenelle wasn’t shuttling between houses). Hopefully it has plenty of closet space for all of Nathan’s ridiculously cut-up tank tops. Seriously, why even bother wearing a shirt? He chops his shirts so much that they end up looking like he is wearing an apron.
Jenelle tells Nathan that she doesn’t think Babs will ever give her Jace back, so she needs to hire a lawyer to fight for custody.
In Delaware, things are getting really tense between Kail and Javi. After a dude from Kail’s school texts her, Javi gets angry and tells her that he’s no longer taking Isaac to Jo’s so that Kail and her galpals can go to the concert. This sends Kail and the galpals into a fury, and Kail and Javi get into a fight. He tells his sister that he’s tired of Kail’s s**t, and soon he has three females yapping at him at once.
“She wants to be texting all these dudes!” he exclaims. Kail’s pal Sterling and Javi’s sister butt into the fight and soon everyone is just screaming at everyone. The dog that’s sitting on Javi’s lap looks confused, almost like he thinks that he accidentally wandered into Jenelle and Nathan’s house or something.
Kail tells Javi that she isn’t texting dudes for bad reasons, and Javi tells her to get out of his face. Kail goes into the bedroom and we can hear her telling Sterling that the guy that texted her is just a friend and that she’s not cheating on Javi. Sterling tells Kail that Javi is controlling, and that they need to separate for a while. However, Kail doesn’t want to leave.
He comes up to talk to Kail and tells her that he wants them to delete their phone passcodes so there’s no issues of trust between them. Kail says that Javi’s acting crazy and that she’s unhappy in their marriage. She screams, “I’m done!” (a la Amber Portwood) and says she’s not going to the concert.
Meanwhile, Leah’s once again feeling overwhelmed with all the kids running amok in her house. She’s ditched her hair extensions for her big custody court date against Corey. Leah tells her friend that she hasn’t slept in days and her friend says she looks like it. (That’s basically a nice way of telling your pal that she looks like hell.) Corey is wantin’ full custody of the twin babies, and Leah says she’ll fight it until the end.
I have no clue why Corey is worried about Leah’s parenting skills. The twins are in there eating meat slabs from a Lunchable, while Leah’s youngest baby, Addy, is busy banging her head against the sofa. I can’t say if I lived in this house that I wouldn’t be doing the same thing, though.
Leah says that she’s tired of the rumors that she’s an unfit mother, cheating on Jeremy and abusing drugs. Her friend says that, while there are a lot of things Corey and Miranda can say about Leah, being an unfit mom is not one of them. (But the other things…) Leah hints that it’s all that skank Miranda’s fault, and that she’s putting ideas into Corey’s head.
In Carolina, it’s Jenelle’s birthday. Nathan has gifted her with a vanity and a trip to St. Thomas.
“Where that at though?” Jenelle asks. Nathan tells her it’s in the Virgin Islands, and Jenelle still seems confused. (Perhaps she thinks you actually have to be a virgin to go there?)
Jenelle calls Babs to let her know that she and Nathan will soon be heading off to have a “la de da time” in the Virgin Islands. She tells Babs that Nathan’s mom will be watching Kaiser, and Babs says she has to make other plans for Jace now that Jenelle is leaving the country. It ends in a screaming fight with Jenelle yelling, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” and hanging up on poor Babsy.
In South Dakota, Chelsea is still working at the day spa “a few days a week” (aka whenever MTV is there). Meanwhile, Adam is stressed with baby momma drama, and tells his friend that he wants 50/50 custody so he is able to go pick Aubree up. (Um…on your bike, bro? Come on!)
Adam (who’s wearing a cut-up tank top that could have been taken from Nathan’s closet) tells his friend that he’s only got six months before he has a “career in personal training” and he hasn’t drank for 15 months. Adam says he’s not jealous of Chelsea’s new beau, even though his own dating life is in the crapper. Mmm-hmmm….Cole has twice the looks (and twice the hair) that Adam does.
Chelsea calls Taylor and Taylor tells her that Adam wants 50/50 custody of Paislee too. Chelsea thinks they should team up against Adam, being that Adam seems to be immune to any legal repercussions of his actions. Taylor apologizes for how she acted toward Chelsea in the past, and the girls agree to meet up with Taylor’s lawyer.
In West Virginia, Leah’s heading to her court hearing with her mom. She’s got her hair extensions back, and Corey’s wearing his finest bright orange business shirt. Miranda and Leah’s mom (and the MTV crew) aren’t allowed into the court room, so Miranda just sits there looking flawless.
Finally, Leah and Corey emerge and Leah announces that the judge ruled in her favor, and that Corey won’t get full custody of the twins. The judge did rule that Leah had to actually bring her kids to school on time. Leah also has to take a drug test. She lets the judge know that she is taking prescription drugs for “her headaches” so, you know, if a bunch of stuff comes up on the test, just to ignore that.
The next day, the twins are busy stabbing each other with colored pencils in the backseat of Leah’s car. (As you do). She puts them into Corey’s car (to continue the stabbings) so she and Corey can talk. Corey assures Leah that he didn’t take her to court to be mean, but because he is concerned about Leah’s recent actions and inability to get the girls to school on time.
“They ain’t gonna like tardies in kindergarten,” he tells Leah.
Corey says he can’t stand Leah, and he needs more time with the kids. He doesn’t want to be the “fun-time” guy, and wants to be a more full-time father. Corey suggests that they alternate weeks with the girls, which will give Leah a break from all the youngin’ raisin’ and what-not, but Leah doesn’t seem to like that plan. She worries it would prevent the girls from having a stable home (and couch to bang their heads on.)
The episode ends with all four girls feeling nervous about the upcoming weeks.
Until next week, kids!