Gather ’round, my bottom-of-the-barrel-TV-lovin’ pals! It’s time to dive back into the sea of chaos and crappy editing that is Teen Mom 2. It’s been a week since we’ve checked in with the show’s cast, so surely someone new is heading to court, and Leah has most likely married and divorced yet another dude.
This week’s episode starts out South Carolina, where Jenelle is completely exhausted. Is she tired from putting in a full day’s work over at the Waaaaahlmaaaart and raising her son Jace, like her mom Barb? Nope. She’s actually exhausted from an all-night fighting sesh she’s having with her “fiance” Nathan, who is two bottles of whiskey deep. (Essentially his stomach must just look like a sea of Jack Daniel and steroids….or ‘tie-stostereon,’ as our Babsy calls it.)
Apparently, Nathan thinks that Jenelle is letting other guys diddle her, and he’s not happy about it. After all, they are engaged, and we all know that Jenelle takes the concept of marriage very seriously and would only accept a proposal from a man who she could see a lifetime of commitment with.
Nathan insists that Jenelle is “not on the same caliper” as he is. (Um?) Jenelle swears she hasn’t let anyone but her boooooyfriend touch her in the no-no, but Nathan doesn’t believe her.
Jenelle says Nathan has unresolved anger issues, and is a raging drunk. Nathan accuses Jenelle of being “trailer trash who hit the lottery,” giving an obvious nod to Jenelle’s MTV fame (and paycheck).
How can these two be fighting like this?! They were always so happy together.
Speaking of being happy, Chelsea isn’t. She’s worried that because Taylor let Adam swindled custody away from her using his loins and balding head, her case against Adam will be effected.
She goes to her lawyer’s office and learns that the lawyer is planning to prove that Adam lied under oath. The lawyer is going to try to restrict Adam’s visitation even more due to him being a lying (poorly dressed) menace to society.
The next day, we get to see Adam visiting with Paislee. He’s got his pal from the gym with him this time, the same dude we saw a few episodes ago who looked like he was about 45. This time around, the guy can barely keep his eyes open and is struggling to remain conscious long enough to deliver the producer-mandated questions to Adam.
Adam says that Taylor wanted to settle their custody case out of court. He says he’s determined to get custody of Aubree too.
Over in Delaware, Kail is still angry that Javi ruined her California Adventure, but luckily she has another vacation on the horizon. This one will include Javi and the kids (and a large oversized cartoon mouse), but Kail’s not even sure she wants to go, given that she and Javi will probably just claw each other’s eyes out while riding the Pirates of the Caribbean. (Disney tends to frown on that.)
Apparently, Sterling and her mom were planning to join in on the Disney World festivities but Kail isn’t sure they’ll show now, due to Javi’s constant texting while they were in California. Sterling told Kail last episode that her mom was all butt-hurt that
she was rejected for a spot on the Real Housewives Javi ruined the trip, so they’re not really keen on spending a whole week with them eating churros and wearing mouse ears.
That’s not all that’s happening in Kail’s life. Of course, she’s headed to court (because…well, it’s ‘Teen Mom 2′ and someone is always going to court). Apparently Rappin’ Jo is officially moving to Delaware, and will soon be living just streets from Kail and Javi.
Kail’s unhappy at the thought of her and Jo being neighbors. (Surely the scent of Jo’s Dollar Tree cologne will wiff through the housing development with just the slightest wind.)
Finally we see what Leah’s up to. She is still fighting with all of the men she’s ever been married to, which is causing her stress. Jeremy seems to have split town and hasn’t been home for two weeks. While not having her husband around makes Leah unhappy, not having his paycheck to buy crap with is even worse.
She calls Jeremy up to yell at him for not having any money in their account. (“This Mary Kay Passion Plum eyeshadow ain’t gonna buy itself, Jeremy!”)
Jeremy is not concerned, however. He tells her that he’s tired of supporting her ridiculous spending habits. Leah, however, wants Jeremy to “communicate” with her when there’s fresh spendin’ money so she can hurry up and buy the youngins their Sour Patch Kids and whatever snack meat they’ll be feasting on for the next couple of nights.
Leah screeches that she’s not doing anything to upset Jeremy. Still, Jeremy declares that he’s filing for divorce (“For reals this time, y’all!”) and Leah loses it. She’s talking to herself about how “mean” that pesky Jeremy is and how she’s done nothing to deserve this. (Except, you know, sleep with her ex-boyfriend…and develop a pill poppin’ habit…and spend all of Jeremy’s money on crap. But other than that, she’s innocent.)
She tells her pal Amber that Jeremy was yelling at her and refusing to give her any cash. She claims that she has a spending problem (which is similar to her “alarm clock problem” from last episode but more costly) but it’s no big deal. She tells her friend that she “needs to work on it.”
Wait…”Leah” and “work” don’t really go together. She didn’t exactly win Employee of the Month during her tenure at the ol’ tanning salon. (She spent more time talking on the phone about the “dye in the baby’s head” than wiping down tanning beds.)
Leah says that she has anxiety and depression and that she no longer feels like getting dolled up on the regular. This is clear, as her hair looks like it belongs on the head of a Barbie doll who was subjected to an afternoon of “salon play.” Leah’s eyes are sunken in and she’s painfully thin. Of course, this is all
Corey’s Jeremy’s fault. (Sorry, I forgot which husband we were blaming today.)
Leah states that she doesn’t want a divorce, but they both need to “get help.”
During this conversation, Leah’s youngins are causin’ a ruckus, runnin’ around and screaming.
“All y’all kids git on outta here!” Leah yells as the scene ends with her offspring scattering off into the holler.
Meanwhile, Jenelle is confused. Nathan has left town to go to a “last-minute business meeting.”
Um…none of these people have jobs! What ‘business’ does Nathan have, and who in their right mind would trust this neanderthal enough to go into business with him?!
Jenelle, of course, is on to Nathan’s shenanigans. She tells her new rented pal Krista that Nathan told her he is meeting with someone about opening a gym, even though he’s never mentioned this “business venture” before. She doesn’t have time to worry about Nathan’s imaginary business partners, however, because she’s going to pick up Jace.
She arrives at Casa de Barb to pick up Jace. Barb hands over “the baby” but is eager to talk to Jenelle about the whole court hearing thing. She also wants to know what’s going on with Juh-nelle and “that otha guy.”
Ooooh, look at you Barb, trying to get that gossip! Get it, girl!
Jenelle, Krista and Jace drive off and head to a trampoline place. They have a great time hopping into pits of foam and climbing walls, but Jenelle and Krista still find the time to have the producer-mandated conversation about Jenelle and Nathan’s busted-ass relationship.
“He said he went on a business trip,” Jenelle tells her ‘friend.’ “That’s what makes it so shady.”
UM…YOU THINK!? This crapball hasn’t had a job in years and is a raging alcoholic. The fact that he’s suddenly off making business deals in Atlanta should be a bit suspicious. That’s like saying Leah suddenly decided to take a vow of celibacy, or brush her daughters’ hair: It just ain’t happening.
Later that night, Nathan’s still in Atlanta “on business” so Jenelle stuck taking care of the baby alone. Krista is putting in overtime at Jenelle’s madhouse, so she’s still there to talk to Jenelle about her relationship problem. Jenelle complains that Nathan isn’t putting effort into their relationship. (Well, he’s a very busy business man. What do you expect? He’s out there killin’ it in the stock market every day, obviously!)
Nathan denies that he’s boinking other girls, but Jenelle doesn’t believe him. She reluctant to dump his “tietosterone”-ragin’ butt, however, because she doesn’t think anyone else will want her. Now that she’s got two baby daddies (and countless former fiances) she’s worried that she’s got too much baggage for whatever trainwreck she starts dating next.
Hey, it doesn’t seem to be a problem for Leah! She keeps shooting kids out of her hoo-ha and the men are still lining up!
Nathan texts Jenelle to tell her he’s heading back to his hotel for the night. Seconds later, he bursts through their door, giggling like a school boy who just typed numbers into his calculator that spell out the word “BOOBS.” He tells Jenelle that he’s been home for a while. (He did go on the business trip, of course, but he came back early.)
Can we just take a moment to recognize that MTV is trying super-hard during this episode to get crap trending on Twitter? They keep posting weird hashtags on the screen that they apparently hope nitwit fans will tweet. The hashtag for this scene is “#ShadyNathan.” I can’t make this crap up.
Anyway, Nathan is smiling all creepy and arguing all maniacally with Krista. Jenelle suspects that Nathan is “HIGH! HIGH!”
Despite his obvious intoxication, Nathan gives insight on how his business meeting went. Clearly an ol’ pro at the business stuff and whatnot, Nathan explains that it’s “always a waiting game” when it comes to starting businesses.
WTF? I’m not even sure this dude can actually tie his shoes, let alone run a business. Somehow, though, it almost seems like Jenelle is actually buying this “business meeting” story.
The next night, Nathan’s still acting totally crazy. Jenelle is “reaching her breaking point” so she decides it’s time to go out and paaaarty. Nathan asks for his engagement ring back, but Jenelle refuses. (Hey, she can probably get $34.95 for it if she returns it to Walmart!) Jenelle storms out of the house, taking Kaiser with her (to the bar?!)
Back in Delaware, Kail’s trying to decide if she and Javi can refrain from pushing each other off of the Matterhorn while at Disney World. Javi says he feels neglected by Kail, who is too busy having a “la dee dah time” with her galpals to pay attention to him. Kail is afraid that Javi will ruin yet another vacation for her.
A few days later, Kail and Javi take a romantic journey to Philly, where Javi’s booked a hotel room in hopes that he can boink the anger out of Kail before they go to meet the Mouse in Florida.
On the car ride there, Javi tells Kail that he’s not really jazzed about having Sterling and her mom tag along to their family Disney vacation. Kail clearly wants her friend to go, and gets angry that Javi doesn’t want her there. She tells Javi she wants to skip the sexy time in Philly and just go home.
Javi agrees, but not before running through the drive-thru and getting some fightin’ food. He tells Kail he’s not a fan of Sterling and Kail asks again to go home. Javi refuses to turn around, and just wants to eat his burger. He accuses Kail of putting her friends before him once again. They’re barreling down the highway and Javi is mad that Kail has spoiled the sexy time he’s planned. Kail informs him that she never even wanted to go in the first place.
During all of this fighting and burger eating, Javi doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the road. He runs over a pile of wood (which may or may not actually have been Kieffer lying in the street) and that escalates the fight.
The next day, Kail says that Sterling “has decided” that she won’t be coming to Florida on the vacation, due to Javi not wanting her there. Javi, meanwhile, FaceTimes his sister to let her know that he still feels that Kail likes her friends more than she likes him. His sister advises him to think before he speaks. The talk inspires Javi to tell Kail that he wants to keep working on their marriage. (#MakingAmends, says MTV)
In South Dakota, Chelsea hears that Taylor has been talking to Adam a lot since their hearing. (There’s just something about a guy that lies in court that makes the girls’ loins quiver with delight!) This worries Chelsea because she is supposedly teaming up with Taylor to stop Adam from driving their kids in the Douche Mobile to his stripper girlfriend-of-the-week’s apartments.
Chelsea tells Other Chelsey that Adam is good at getting girls to do what he wants them to do. They also talk about Chelsea popping out Cole‘s kids. She tells Other Chelsey that she hopes to have three kids, but not before she gets married. (Wait– children born inside of wedlock? Did I accidentally change the channel or something?)
Meanwhile, Other Chelsey looks nervous at the mention of Chelsea getting married. After all, if Chelsea and Cole get hitched, Other Chelsey will likely see an end to her free-rent freeloading at Chelsea’s cabin.
The next day, Aubree and Chelsea meet up with Taylor and Paislee. Aubree is thrilled to see her sister. They go to a painting place and, while Paislee is literally painting herself, Taylor explains that she wants to settle out of court. Chelsea warns Taylor that Adam will try to hump her into giving him what he wants.
In West Virginia, Leah is still not talking to Jeremy. She’s nervously devouring cheese puffs (or some other kind of snack treat) as she tells us that Jeremy ain’t foolin’ around this time and is actually going to divorce her!
We get to go inside Jeremy’s trailer, which he now sleeps in while on the job (and/or whenever there’s physically no room for him in the house, due to Leah’s floor-to-ceiling piles of old juice boxes, hair extensions and Little Debbie’s snack cake wrappers.
Jeremy tells his friend that he’s actually going to file for divorce. Jeremy’s smiling ear-to-ear at the thought of being free of Leah, and his pal is smiling awkwardly as well, trying his best to not look at the camera.
“The house looked like a freaking homeless shelter, dude!” Jeremy tells his friend, adding that as soon as money hit their joint bank account, it was spent by Leah. Jeremy no longer deposits into the joint account, leaving Leah jonesing for more cash. He claims that she’s blown thrown thousands of dollars and that her habit of popping prescription pills may have something to do with it.
Jeremy’s friend appears to be a normal guy, so he seems to be having a hard time keeping up with the soap opera that is Jeremy and Leah’s marriage. He doesn’t quite understand all of the hillbilly hijinks.
Jeremy declares that Leah has an addiction to drugs (he does this with a strange smile on his face). He says that there’s no turning back in the divorce.
“I ain’t gonna be sucked back into being f**king miserable again!” Jeremy declares. “The girl I fell in love with ain’t the girl I got now!”
During this time, Leah’s at her
homeless shelter house trying to call Jeremy. It’s their wedding anniversary and, although Leah is trying to act like nothing is wrong, Jeremy won’t even respond to her loving texts.
“I never really thought I’d be alone on my anniversary,” Leah tells her pal Amber. (So…does Amber just live at Leah’s trash pit now? She’s always there!)
Leah, always the victim, tells Amber that “nothing really even happened” to make Jeremy angry.
Um…except that Leah humped Robbie….and spent all of Jeremy’s money…and (allegedly) had more pills in her than a pharmacy…and turned his home into a dumpster. But, you know, other than that…
Leah says that if Jeremy divorces her it will break her heart.
The next day, Jeremy is back but staying with his parents. Leah’s bringing Addie to a parking lot to give her to Jeremy. Leah tells Jeremy that she’s “confused” about the situation, and disappointed.
Leah says that after she had Addie she had “a lot of issues” that she can’t fix. Jeremy says that Leah’s up at all hours of the night. (Hey, them raviolis ain’t gonna cook themselves, Jeremy Lynn!)
Leah uses her new motto, “I have an issue with that,” but Jeremy’s not amused. Leah tells Jeremy that she tried to work out all of her issues but he doesn’t know because he’s never around. Jeremy asks Leah to get help. (#TheHardTruth)
Leah’s an old pro at the whole “arguing in the parking lot with an ex-husband” thing. She storms off at just the perfect time for maximum dramatic purposes and drives off, crying alone in her car. She starts talking to herself, which is a perfect way to end the episode.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!