It’s time to check back in with our favorite not-so-teenaged moms! This week, our four heroines will be making more bad life decisions, and, luckily MTV was there to document them all! This episode will be extra special because there will be strippers involved (who are oddly not Farrah…).
We kick things off in Michigan, where Catelynn and Tyler are only weeks away from getting hitched. They’ve decided to forgo Catelynn’s idea of having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party because, well, Tyler wants some enormous stripper boobies in his face before he says “I do.”
Catelynn is trying her best to be a progressive fiance and act like she’s totally fine with Tyler, his friends and of course Butch heading out in a party bus to a strip club (because, I mean…what could go wrong in that scenario?!)
Meanwhile, Butch is sitting in their living room with his salt-n-peppa locks flowing. (He has essentially become Dorothy from ‘The Golden Girls’…only with a mustache and prison record.) Tyler is worried that it might not be a good idea to take his fresh-from-the-slammer pop, who is prohibited by law from drinking or drugging, to a bachelor party that is essentially just a night of drunken hi-jinks. (Again…what could possibly go wrong in this situation!?)
Butch assures Cate and Ty that he’s not about to make a stupid decision and get drunk, only to be sent back to the slip-and-slide showers of the Michigan Department of Corrections. He says he will attend the festivities but stay sober.
To celebrate his freedom (and to look good for the strippers), Butch decides to…cut his hair.
As you can imagine, this is a hard scene for The Ashley to watch. Please take a moment for yourselves to mourn the loss of Butch’s legendary hair.
Catelynn perks up when she realizes that Butch getting his hair cut may be a good thing, since he will be meeting Carly and her adoptive parents at the wedding. Nothing would scare the Whitebreads more than a man with crazy hair (and a rap sheet) running toward their daughter screaming, “Come to Grandpa!”
Tyler, Cate and Butch head over to Sonya’s hair salon so Butch can get his makeover. Does this scene remind anyone else of those horrific makeovers that Jenny Jones used to give her talk show guests in the late 1990s? (Did I just age myself here?) If Butch comes out wearing an ugly orange suit and sporting fashionable mom hair, at least we know what happened to ol’ Jenny in the decades since her show went off the air.
Anyway, Sonya sits Butch down in the chair and immediately hacks off his luscious braid of hair. (Not gonna lie, this scene hurt a little.) She proudly displays that Butch Braid on her table. Honestly, she could sell it to some sort of museum. Or at least, sell it on eBay.
But Butch isn’t getting just a quick chop-and-go, no sir! He’s getting a full-on makeover, complete with a dye job. This is a big step up from the grooming routine Butch had become accustomed to in prison, where he had a guy named Big Tony trim his mullet with his toenail clippers.
Tyler and Cate go outside to wait for Butch’s transformation to be complete. Butch emerges later and it’s the best reality TV transformation scene since The Swan was on the air. (Again, did I just age myself?)
Butch looks like a new man, and will no longer scare women and children! Butch is looking good, feeling good and is ready to take on life!
He’s allowed to take his braid with him when he leaves the salon. (Perhaps he can hand out strands at Cate and Ty’s wedding? Who needs a wedding favor?!!)
Next, we head over to Indiana, where Amber has pissed off Gary by filing for joint custody of Leah. To get back at Amber, Gary has reduced her visitation with Leah to the minimum amount of time he can, which is just a few hours a week. Since she is Leah-less, Amber and Matt somehow manage to crowbar themselves off their couch so they can head to a restaurant for an MTV-paid-for meal. At lunch, a ‘Teen Mom’ producer notices Matt’s giant tattoo of Amber’s name.
“I’ve had it forever,” Matt says, as the producer admires that name, as well as the hearts and music note around the name. (For some reason, Matt neglected to put a dollar sign around Amber’s name, which, coincidentally, would have been much more accurate to represent his relationship with Amber.)
Matt asks Amber where she wants to take Leah the next day. Amber says the park, and Matt looks disappointed that they’ll be going somewhere that’s free on a day when MTV would have surely picked up the tab.
We then check in with Farrah, who is heading to Nevada to promote her mother/daughter beauty line. (As you do.) For this business trip, Farrah’s decided to bring Sophia, as well as her mom Debra, who will be there to watch Sophia, take some verbal abuse and provide an ugly cry whenever Farrah is unable to, due to her face being frozen with filler.
Farrah (frozen)Face-times her business partner, Heather, who looks like she, too, has dipped into the treasure chest of plastic surgery one too many times.
Sophia (who is wearing a “Team Farrah” T-shirt, as you do) wants to Facetime as well, and keeps slapping her mom to get in front of the camera. Farrah discusses various beauty products with Heather, while Sophia rips apart some sort of tissue paper face.
During the conversation, Heather invites Farrah to go to a party in the Hamptons with her. Farrah eagerly accepts and we watch Sophia’s face fall. She knows she’s getting the boot once again so Mommy can go to “work.” Sophia shoots Heather a devilish look before Farrah turns the Facetime off.
Finally, we check in with Maci, who is preparing to head to Las Vegas with Taylor and her friends. Before she goes, however, she spends some time alone with Bentley.
Let’s stop right here: Aren’t the ‘Teen Mom’ kids all about the same age? Why is it that Sophia is still ripping up tissue paper and speaking like a three-year-old, while Bentley acts like a full-grown adult with a 401k and a sensible insurance plan?!
Meanwhile, Taylor is getting his mane all cleaned up for the trip. He doesn’t go to Jenny Jones, however. Instead, he visits his barber, CT, who has to pretend that he’s anxious to know when Taylor is going to propose to Maci. (The MTV people must have told him that if he asks the questions they want him to ask, they’ll take his “demo tape” to the execs at the network or something. Because, you know CT the Barber has a demo tape. For sure.)
Anyway, Taylor gives what is probably the best answer ever. He tells CT that he’s planning to propose at the end of this season of ‘Teen Mom’ so that it scores him another season on the air.
“I’m a business man!” Taylor says.
He’s a smart guy, that Taylor. He knows that if Farrah doesn’t start letting people film her having sex again, or if Amber doesn’t start throwing TVs again, MTV will cancel this show. We need this proposal to keep ‘Teen Mom’ going!
Back in Indiana, it’s cookout time for Matt and Amber. Never one to pass up free food, Cousin Krystle makes her first appearance this season. As the gals are chatting, Matt is grilling up Walmart’s finest beef product.
“How many burgers do you’s want?” he bellows into the kitchen.
Amber says she wants one burger and you know Krystle wants to say five so she can stuff them into her purse to eat later, but she, too, states that she wants one burger.
Krystle may soon need to be mooching more food than ever before because…she’s pregnant!
Of course she is.
Krystle is about eight weeks along in her pregnancy. Amber states that she’s not even thinking about having more kids right now. She wants to wait until her custody situation with Leah is settled. After that, she plans to marry Matt (despite the fact that he says things like “you’s”) and then she’ll consider getting pregnant.
“That makes sense,” Krystle says, even though we can tell that the idea of having a kid after marriage makes no sense to her.
Meanwhile, Farrah and her entire motley crew have just touched down in Nevada. They go into some sort of beauty product store.
“You’re going to love this place, Sophia,” Farrah says. “It’s like, baby heaven.”
Um…isn’t Sophia like six? And also, “Baby Heaven” doesn’t exactly sound like a place I want to go…just sayin’…
Farrah has a fun-filled day planned for Sophia. She’s basically going to force the kid into posing for pictures for her beauty product line, and act like she’s having a healthy, well-balanced childhood.
Also…Debra has a side braid for this scene. I’m 100 percent convinced that Butch’s braid was somehow dyed blond and shipped to Nevada so that Debra could wear it during this scene. It’s nice to see things being upcycled though, no?
Also…why is Debra dressed like a sorority girl from 2001?
Farrah gets Sophia all dolled up, but Sophia’s having none of it. She clearly hates participating in this fakery as much as we hate watching her participate.
She is angry that she’s being forced to do this crap, so she decides to be a pain in Farrah’s backdoor. She refuses to smile and keeps making horrible faces at the camera. (These are faces that will haunt my nightmares forever, by the way.)
Of course, Farrah is angry that her daughter isn’t behaving the way she needs her to. Dance, monkey, dance!
Later, Farrah strips down to her skivvies to hold a cupcake and pose for photos. Sophia seems horrified that her mom is essentially doing softcore cupcake p*rn right in front of her, and keeps making disgusted faces. We feel ya, Soph!
After finishing the photo shoot, Farrah gets some bad news from her business partner Heather. Apparently, the organizers of that “super exclusive” White Party in the Hamptons aren’t thrilled about having Farrah (and her backdoor) at their fancy party. She’s been told not to come because she’s “not the right fit for the party.”
Basically, they don’t want Farrah showing up in assless chaps, touting her mother and reality TV crew behind her.
Heather says that the organizers don’t want any “controversial celebs” at their special party, and Farrah is angry. Debra is upset, too. She’s probably already purchased some skintight white leather pants for the occasion!
Farrah insists that the reason people think she’s trashy is because she’s on ‘Teen Mom.’ Surely, it has nothing to do with her being a generally terrible person, threatening to kill people on Celebrity Big Brother, and, of course, having James Deen basically rearrange her backdoor on camera.
Debra dares to bring up “the sex tape thing” and she is promptly told off by Farrah.
Over in Tennessee, Maci is nervous to leave Baby Jayde for a weekend in Vegas, but is excited for her vacation time.
“I’m going to be very intoxicated,” she tells Taylor, who isn’t even waiting to touch down in Sin City. He’s already chugging beer right there in the living room!
The next day, Maci, Taylor and their friends touch down in Las Vegas. They are legit being driven around by the same lady who drove Farrah in the last scene. Pretty soon they’re going to have to start putting the driver lady’s name on one of those torn piece of paper thingies.
In Michigan, Catelynn’s hanging out with Tyler’s sister, Amber. Catelynn is discussing Tyler’s bachelor party, and keeps saying that Tyler’s going to a “gentleman’s club.” I think it makes her feel better to picture Tyler and Butch and the gang all dressed in suits, drinking expensive cognac and talking about stock options. In reality, of course, we know that Ty’s going to be slugging back cheap tequila while a stripper named “Cherry” booty-claps in his face.
But whatever gets you through the night, Cate…
Tyler’s sister, however, decides to burst Cate’s “gentleman’s club” bubble by telling her that the club that the guys are going to is a real skank pit. Apparently, all the strippers gather ’round the bachelor and dance for him, and some of them will put their stripper paws all over him. How does Amber know this, you ask? Because she used to work in that strip club.
Of course she did!
In Indiana, Amber and Matt arrive at Casa de Gary to pick up Leah. They go to a park and Leah is struggling to run around the jungle gym because she’s wearing some sort of little girl heels. Later, their playtime is interrupted by a nosy little girl who asks Leah for her name. The girl instantly recognizes them as the gang from ‘Teen Mom.’
This little girl looked to be about 10. Why the hell does she know what ‘Teen Mom’ is?
Amber and Matt leave Leah alone so she can play and “be normal” with the other kids. Um…to achieve that, you’ll probably want to eliminate the huge camera crew following her around the jungle gym. Just sayin’….
Meanwhile, it’s finally time for Catelynn and Tyler’s bachelor/bachelorette party. Their friends have pulled out all the stops– they’ve gotten name brand liquor and have busted out the selfie sticks because things are about to get craaaaazy!
April and Butch see each other at the party and manage not to hit each other/tackle each other in a fit of unbridled passion.
Cate and Ty have a “private” conversation in which Catelynn demands that Tyler doesn’t cheat on her. The guys all head out in a giant tour bus and Cate just sadly waves goodbye. She’s trying her best to be a good sport about everything, but we all know she’s miserable.
Anyway, Tyler is in disbelief that Butch is able to be on a party bus full of booze and not get completely trashed. Butch is sitting there in his suit and hat, looking like a guy that would be hanging out at the kind of “gentleman’s club” that Catelynn was talking about. He’s chugging water and just chilling. It’s pretty impressive, actually…
The bus arrives at the strip club and luckily, Tyler’s sister isn’t working that night. Tyler (and a few of his toothless friends) are grunting and giggling while watching women spin around the poles. Butch, however, isn’t even playing. He’s ready to get his groove on in the VIP room. (Hey– the man’s been in prison for four years, and before that he was boning a drunken April. He is in desperate need of sexy time.)
Unfortunately, though, no one explained to Butch that the “ladies” are only dancers and do not have sex with clients. (At least, not on camera while MTV is filming for a reality show…) Butch is having a classy conversation with one of the young ladies. He tells her that he is fresh out of the pen and then asks if she will pleasure him orally.
No seriously. That happened. I can’t even make this stuff up!
Catelynn, too, is having a wild night out with her girlfriends…and her mother…and her mother-in-law…and her camera crew. Now, normally, you wouldn’t want your mother to go to your bachelorette party. However, we all know that April could out-party all of these biotches with one hand cuffed behind her back.
Cate’s having a great time in ‘da club’…but she soon tells her friends that she’s eager to meet up with Tyler and sit on his lap…
Unfortunately, Tyler’s lap is already, um, occupied by one of Detroit’s finest strippers.
Catelynn’s nervous to go to the “gentleman’s club” because she doesn’t want to see a girl dancing on Tyler, so Tyler’s mom offers to go in there with Cate to pick up Tyler.
Nothing says a good time like having your crying fiance and your mother show up to fetch you out of the champagne room. Good Lord, ladies. Let the man have his party!
The girls arrive to the strip club, and Cate tells the security guard that she’s “just here to get my man!” She finds Tyler and he gives her a hug. He’s surely coated with Victoria’s Secret glitter body spray that’s been left on him by one of the young “ladies” he was hanging out with. Catelynn looks less than thrilled as Ty mauls her and takes her down to the couches. Ew.
Then, it gets even weirder. The stripper who was just grinding on Tyler tells Cate and Ty how “perfect” they are and how they’re so much better than Farrah.
Seriously…WTF am I watching?
Also, does anyone else think it’s creepy that Butch and Tyler went to the strip club that their family member, Amber, used to work at?! Or is it just me?
We check back in with Farrah, who is going to the White Party in the Hamptons, despite the fact that she knows she’s not wanted there. She tells Debra that she’s going anyway and is determined to be “the star of the party.”
“I’m going to show them that they need to grow up,” Farrah says. “They shouldn’t run White Parties if they don’t know how to be upscale and classy.”
Farrah then tells Producer Heather and Debra that they are not to bring up her “sex tape” again, and that the only reason people dislike her is because she is on ‘Teen Mom.’ She says that she’s not allowed to go to the White Party because she does things like give her daughter $600 for losing a tooth.
Um…then how about not giving your daughter $600? Or, if you feel like you have to do that, don’t put it on social media?!
Debra starts screaming that Farrah has “changed the world” as Farrah storms out of the room. Producer Heather runs to apologize to Farrah. Sophia, meanwhile, is busy beating her grandmother with a beach ball.
Seriously, why aren’t the walls of that room padded? These people are beyond crazy.
Farrah tells us that she “deserves to be at the Hamptons party” because she “lives that life” and “keeps it classy.and top-notch.” She also insists that she’s a “great, fun, happy person.”
That joke just kind of writes itself, doesn’t it?
Farrah arrives in the Hamptons, along with her manager Johnny and her mom. They go into the party and four minutes later are escorted out. It’s cringeworthy. (Click here to read The Ashley‘s story from the event.)
Farrah is clearly embarrassed, so she starts spouting angry phrases about how she’s so much better than everyone. Debra is embarrassed too. She is all dressed up with nowhere to go.
“God will handle them!” Debra yells.
Um…I think God will take a raincheck on this one, guys. Let’s hope He/She has more important things to do than punish people for not letting a teen mom into their party.
“I’m happy that I’m so damn fabulous that no one knows what to do!” Farrah exclaims.
Yes they do….they know they don’t want you at their party.
Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Maci, Taylor and their friends are cheering because they have no kids to watch. Naturally, all the friends want to talk about is Maci and Taylor getting married. Maci starts bringing up how people think Taylor is a crapnugget because he won’t propose to her. It’s incredibly awkward as Maci goes on and on about how her friends and family are starting to dislike Taylor because he won’t marry Maci.
Taylor looks like he’d rather be anywhere else but here, and his friends start apologizing for falling for the producer’s trap and bringing up the marriage topic. Maci starts screaming, “We can just end it! Let’s just end it!”
Well, if that doesn’t make Taylor want to propose, I don’t know what will!
The next day, Maci and Taylor go to a festival, chug beer and watch some bands play.
Next week, Amber deals with her family members who don’t like Matt, and Maci deals with Ryan being a general turd.
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode recap, click here!