Welcome to Week 4 of The Bachelor, where the skirts start to get smaller and the fake medical emergencies start getting more frequent!
The episode starts with the girls sitting around the house, waiting to see who will get to spend a few private moments with Ben. Chris Harrison comes in to inform the girls that Ben has left the building. The girls all gasp in fright, worried that the producers have stolen their Prince Charming and replaced him with that Sultan of Sin, Juan Pablo!
Of course, Chris is just messing with the girls. He announces that Ben has been flown to Las Vegas, where the girls will be going to meet him. Everyone starts squealing in delight. Um..half of you broads live in Los Angeles. Stop acting like you don’t got to Vegas four times a year.
The girls arrive in Sin City and do the mandatory “city name scream” from the balcony. After the nauseating “Viva Las Vegas!” holler, the girls go to their hotel suite. It’s inside the Aria and it’s huge.
The date card arrives for JoJo. She legit starts to cry and Olivia looks like she wants to jam a champagne glass down JoJo’s throat. When Ben arrives to pick JoJo up, Olivia gives him a total stank face. JoJo is so getting Olivia’s nasty toes all over her face tonight once she falls asleep.
“I love this man!” Olivia says. “I want him to be my husband.”
Wait– are they allowed to say that they love him already? Aren’t they required to say that they are “falling for” him until at least Week 5?
Meanwhile, a helicopter arrives to pick JoJo and Ben up for their date. All of the other girls stand at the window and glare as they watch them make out. Unfortunately, the wind created by the helicopter totally trashes the romantic rooftop setup the producers have assembled for Ben and JoJo. (Good Lord; you people have been overusing helicopters for over a decade! You’d think you would have it down by now!)
Watch the helicopter show Ben and JoJo who’s boss:
Soon they are flying high above the Las Vegas Strip. Ben mauls JoJo inside the ‘copter, before treating her to a hotel room dinner. They talk about their boring ass dating pasts and Ben tries to assure JoJo that she’s totally ready to open her heart (and possibly her legs) to him.
He gives JoJo the rose (as well as some more closed-mouthed kisses), before telling her that he has another surprise for her. A surprise? What could it be….a private concert? A hot tub? Fireworks?
And…it’s fireworks. They gaze into the sky and the other girls notice the fireworks. Emily says that she would have loved to have been up on top of a building watching fireworks.
Um…you’re on the top floor of a building. Go look outside, girl.
The next day is the group date, where Ben will be taking a crap-ton of broads on what will surely be one of the “make a fool outta yourselves” dates that this show is famous for.
They head to the Mirage hotel, where they meet up with former America’s Got Talent winner Terry Fator. He asks the girls if they have any hidden talents. He does not, however, specify if the talent can include a stripper pole or not.
The girls scramble to find a talent, while Terry’s puppet gets all creepy with the women. The twins start river dancing, while Jubilee starts playing the cello. Olivia, however, has no talent (other than boiling her ex-boyfriends’ bunnies, of course), so she grabs a showgirl costume and scampers off to practice whatever godforsaken thing she’s planning to do.
Terry then tells the girls that they will be opening his show that night, showcasing their “talents” for a crowd of thousands of people. They all squeal and act mortified.
Um…y’all are willing to make out (and possibly do more) with Ben on-camera, knowing that millions of people are watching, judging and blogging about you, yet being on stage in front of a thousand people is making you pee your panties?
Anyway, Terry calls the girls on stage and the twins tells us that they’re “in it to twin it.” I sincerly hope that one of the girls’ talents is shooting the twins with arrows. They deserve it after saying that.
Haley and Emily attempt to clog their way into Ben’s heart and they’re a big hit. Jubilee plays her cello, while Lauren juggles. Finally it’s Olivia’s turn. They wheel out a giant cake and we know this can only mean one thing– total and complete humiliation for everyone involved.
Olivia pops out of the cake (while simultaneously popping out of her bra top). She’s attempting to do some sort of sexy burlesque dance but she’s actually just squatting in the middle of the stage and opening her mouth. Ben looks scared, confused and embarrassed.
Olivia starts to realize that she had the worst performance (even worse than the girl who dressed up as a chicken) so she decides now is as good a time as any to fake the first medical emergency of the season. She starts wailing that she’s having a panic attack and is crying hysterically. We haven’t see this level of hysteria since Kelsey of Chris Soules‘ season.
Olivia’s embarrassed at how horrific her performance was. She thinks she’s ruined any chance of marrying Ben, now that he’s seen her doing…whatever it is that she was doing up on that stage.
You can watch the horrorshow that was Olivia’s “dance” below:
Later that night, the girls head to the hotel pool for cocktails and crying. Caila is the first girl to get alone time with Ben. She’s nervous that she won’t be able to stand out in the sea of crazy girls, so she instantly throws her body onto Ben. He’s surprised by her forwardness.
Lauren H. gets some alone time with Ben too. He brings a puppet of himself with him and forces her to give the puppet a weird kiss. Ben starts saying creepy things via puppet and it’s super uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Olivia is still horrified over her striptease performance. She’s sitting there pouting and finally takes Ben aside and asks him if he’s totally turned off by what he saw. She tells Ben that she’s not a very showy person and is not comfortable being in the spotlight.
Um…isn’t Olivia an on-camera news anchor!?
Haley steals Ben away, thankfully, so we won’t have to listen to her harp on her performance again.
After a commercial break that includes Oprah screaming into the camera about how much she likes bread, we get back to the date. Olivia is still worried about her position with Ben, so she creeps over to where
Haley Emily is having alone time with Ben. Olivia’s just standing in the bushes all creepily.
She interrupts Emily’s time and starts doing some sort of hoedown dance (a la Ashlee Simpson on Saturday Night Live) and tells him that she’s feeling really awkward.
She keeps apologizing for being weird (while continuing to be weird) and Ben just seems really confused. Let’s hope there’s a production assistant standing nearby with a straight jacket for Olivia, just in case.
Ben decides to give Lauren B. the date rose. She’s thrilled to have been picked out of the group, but Olivia’s confused as to why she didn’t get the flower.
The next morning, Becca receives a wedding dress from Ben to wear on their one-on-one date (as you do). She’s confused, but the other girls are jealous.
“I would love to marry Ben on our first one-on-one day,” Haley tells us without even a hint of sarcasm. “That would be great.”
Becca gets into the dress and is picked up and taken to a wedding chapel, where Ben is waiting for her in a tuxedo. She looks frightened. (Perhaps she thinks they’re going to spring Farmer Chris on her again and make her marry him?)
Ben gets down on one knee and proposes…that they officiate a wedding together. Becca’s obviously relieved that she doesn’t have to marry any random ‘Bachelor’ dude.
They go into a cheesy chapel that looks like the banquet room of a Hometown Buffet. The real bride and groom arrive and Ben pops a collar button or two and starts reading what are possibly the most boring vows ever recited. Luckily the wedding only lasts about two minutes, and they shuffle out the newlyweds so they can start their life.
“We’ll cherish that forever,” the groom lies.
Becca tells us that Ben is the most thoughtful man she’s ever met (since Farmer Chris, obviously). She and Ben marry a few more couples, including a dude that shows up in a tuxedo T-shirt. (There’s also a weird Asian groom who seems to have no idea how to kiss and aggressively attacks his new bride via mouth. Three words: mail order bride.)
That night, Becca and Ben head to the Neon Sign Boneyard (which is a really cool place to visit if you’re ever in Vegas, by the way). They start strolling through the signs and Ben says he’s curious to know if Becca can love and feel.
Becca tells Ben that, this time around, she cares way more than when she was trying to hook up with Farmer Chris. (I’m sure that makes him feel just great.) Even Ben kind of calls her out.
“This dude almost asked you to marry him!” he tells her.
Next, Ben brings up the fact that Becca is still a virgin. Ben makes sure to tell her that he is not a virgin. (He’s had sex exactly 3.4 times, y’all!) Becca says the fact that Ben has “jumped the bones” of girls before her does not bother her. Becca says that she is sticking to her virginity and Ben is impressed by her conviction.
She is, of course, totally cool with making out with two different guys on TV on the regular.
Ben gives Becca the date rose and Becca says that she can see herself as Mrs. Ben Higgins. Of course she can.
The next day, Chris Harrison comes to the girls’ suite and it’s very unexpected. All the girls are surprised and have no makeup on. The twins look like two completely different people. Speaking of the twins, Ben has asked them to go on a date with him.
Raise your hand if you saw this happening on Night One?
Since the twins are from Vegas, Ben surprises them by taking them to their house. The twins’ mom is quite the treat– she’s covered in dogs and has a sassy Kelly Clarkson circa-2002 haircut. Each girl shows Ben her room. Haley’s embarrassed because her room is plastered with photos of her and her ex-boyfriend. She keeps wondering why “they” didn’t take those pictures down.
Next, it’s Emily’s turn to take Ben to her room. They hang out on her bed and Emily is blabbering a mile a minute about how Haley is not a good match for him. Ben realizes that he likes one of the girls better than the other.
Please…let him decide to ask the mom out and ditch Haley and Emily.
He takes Mom aside to talk about what he should do. After a quick conversation, Ben calls all three ladies into the living room. He tells the twins that he cares about both of them, but he has to ditch one of them. He tells them that he’s ditching Haley and keeping Emily. He’s literally leaving her at her house and taking her twin on a date.
She’s trying her best to be nice, talking about how happy she is for her twin to get to “continue on this journey.” She starts to cry (most likely because she just realized how many free trips she’s going to miss out on!)
See ya in Playboy, Haley!
That night is the Rose Ceremony. For this occasion, the gals have all busted out their tackiest sparkly gowns. It looks like New Years Eve at Ross Dress for Less. Ben says a toast and Jennifer immediately steals him. She needs the alone time– she’s probably only had three minutes of camera time this whole season.
Of course, Olivia has to go interrupt them. Come on, girl! We all know this Jennifer chick isn’t sticking around! Let her have her four minutes with Ben!
All of the girls are unhappy that Olivia is all over Ben all of the time. Luckily, she’s sinking herself by continuously bringing up her stupid cake burlesque routine.
“I don’t need you to tell me that you’re awkward,” Ben tells her.
Soon, Olivia switches over and begins to speak in the third person and tells Ben that she’s falling in love with him. Ben looks thoroughly creeped out. Olivia, however, is totally oblivious that Ben is about ready to call security on her.
Later, she tells JoJo that she told Ben she’s falling in love with him, and lies and says that Ben expressed the same feelings toward her. (To be fair, Olivia is completely crazy and probably actually believed that Ben loves her, so it’s not really lying.)
All of the girls are scared, knowing that two girls will be going home. Ben, meanwhile, is kissing everyone he can find.
“I don’t know where Ben’s head is at,” Jubilee says.
Um…I do…in some other girl’s face!
Finally, it’s time for Ben to hand out the flowers. The ladies walk over and line up and anxiously await to see if they will be the one going home brokenhearted.
Ben gives the first rose to Amanda, who barely had any airtime this episode. Lauren H. gets the next rose, followed by Jubilee. Emily and Caila also receive flowers, as does Jennifer. Leah (who we couldn’t pick out of a lineup) gets a rose somehow, and suddenly there’s only one rose left. It’s down to Amber, Olivia and Rachel (the unemployed girl from Arkansas who never talks).
Olivia is totally confident that she’s getting a rose, and unfortunately, she’s right.
That means we lose Amber and Rachel. Amber is completely devastated, sobbing hysterically as she realizes she’s been dumped on one of these shows for the third time. Back to ‘Bachelor in Paradise’, Amb!
She whips off her heels and takes down her hair as she exits, sobbing the whole way. Ben tries to pretend that he is saddened by her departure, but we all know he probably couldn’t even tell us her name.
Amber has curled up on a lounge chair by the pool, where she starts sobbing and talking to herself. As you do.
Next week, Ben and the girls head to Mexico, where Jubilee will get totally aggressive toward Ben, and Olivia will make fun of Amanda for being a young mom. Oh, and everyone will massacre the Spanish language on the regular, of course.
Until next week, kids!
I laughed so hard when the helicopter knocked over the table. This show is so bad but a guilty pleasure for sure. I fast forward to the desperation ceremony at the end of the show. Amber needs to find another reality forum.
If the girls come up to talk to Ben when he is talking to someone else, does he have to let them interrupt? That’s the only reason I can think of as to why he always says OK.
I can’t believe Olivia is for real. Smart Ben is keeping her around for the ratings, but she is either a complete nut or just wants to be the next Bachlorette: Psycho Edition!
Did Olivia swallow the recap of Ep. 3?
OMG the recap!! I live for these!! Olivia needs meds and a padded cell. She will be great on BIP!!
The twins??? They suck! Sending one home? Like he’s going to go do a hometown date with E,ily and be like “hey Haley! Remember when WE were making out?” Weird……
Did anyone notice in the mandatory copter scene Ben seemed to be losing his pants? Squatting behind the table after it fell over, it seemed like his pants were coming down.
The puppet. Wow. Ben is NOT the innocent Peter Brady boy he appears to be on the surface. If you pay attn, (esp during that strange puppet deal) our boy likes to be freaky. He also got all weird talking to Becca about his previous sexcapades at the neon museum. She seems to like him, but I think he sees her as a challenge because of her V card.
Jubee??? Whoa……….I think she’s bipolar. Her moods seem to dip and soar at a moments notice. She also lacks social skills. She and Olivia could share a room at the hospital.
Amber? Really??? 30 yrs old…..three time reject on these stupid shows? So now what? She will replace the one “retired” Clare on BIP?
God I love/hate myself for watching this shit!!!! Hahaha
dude, i’m starting to think olivia is displaying her first signs of schizophrenia! she’s hearing things, seeing all these signals from ben only she can know. it’s bad lol. she could’ve come out alot better laughing the whole performance thing off. you know, i’m horrible, haha? instead she acted like she thought she was gonna go out there and tear it up and just can’t believe she didn’t magically learn to dance right there on the spot! why can’t these girls just tell her no? like, i just sat down with him 2 minutes ago, you’ve had time three times today, so no, you may NOT butt in Again. too easy i guess. so hope her narcissistic ass is gone soon.
Hilarious recap as usual!! I’m so glad you mentioned the Oprah bread commercial, because that was totally one of the most alarming commercials I’ve ever seen!!