It’s time to drop back in on the “ladies” (and we use that word generously) of The Mother/Daughter Experiment. This week will be a Very.Special.Episode, because there will be (fake) death involved. The women will have to stop screaming (and drinking) long enough to see what life would be like if their family member died unexpectedly.
Before we can indulge in the fake funeral fun, though, we pick up where we left off last week. The episode kicks off with Courtney returning from the hospital. We aren’t really sure why she was “rushed to the hospital.” (But, hey, let’s face it: Is it really a low-rent reality show unless at least one of the nut jobs is shown being loaded into an ambulance? It kind of has to happen at some point, so they might as well get it out of the way early!)
Courtney explains that she was vomiting from all of the stress of being around her mother. She comes into the house and announces to the girls that she “looks like crap.” She is wearing an entire MAC store worth of makeup on her face as she says this, of course.
The next morning is the therapy session. Before the ladies can go get scolded by Dr. Debbie, however, they’ll need a hearty breakfast. For Natalie, this includes a large glass of orange juice and a bottle of champagne, naturally.
She drinks this in front of Kim, who has repeatedly talked about her problem with alcohol. Just because it’s 8 o’clock in the morning doesn’t mean you can’t get the party started!
As soon as Heidi hears the pop of the champagne bottle, she scurries over to get her share of the bubbly goodness. Even after her mother brings up the fact that Heidi will be due for a new liver after the end of this “therapy” trip, Heidi shrugs her off and starts guzzling.
Soon, she and Natalie are in the confessional looking worse for the wear. (OK, to be fair, they’re looking like used dishrags…) They say that they need these “Mom”osas to deal with their “crazy” mothers.
After they manage to shovel Heidi and Natalie into the therapy room, Dr. Debbie begins her session. Today’s session will focus on regret, and the Doc is hoping that the ladies will learn to not take each other for granted.
Shar kicks things off by announcing that she’s still mad that her daughter Cassie wanted to go to a Britney Spears concert, even after that bio-tch stole Shar’s man, Kevin Federline. (And, oh, what a prize he was!) Shar says she was upset that Cassie still wanted to go, but she took her.
Anyone else think Shar deserves a slow clap for this? She actually paid money to see the trollop who stole her baby daddy, just because her daughter wanted to go. However, Cassie insists that it was actually Shar who wanted to go to the concert, not her.
Unfortunately, the Doc calls on Courtney next, and all the other ladies are rolling their eyes. They know that it’s about to launch into the Courtney ‘n’ Krista Show (again). Heidi looks like she wants to go back out into the kitchen to slug down another bottle of champagne while she’s waiting for her turn to be on camera again.
Courtney said that Krista really got excited when Courtney was younger and started to express an interest in the entertainment industry and “arts.”
Now, hold up, here. Are we really gonna count Court running around in short-shorts and bikini tops on a reality show as “the arts”? While being trampy on reality TV truly is a talent, it’s not exactly fine art.
Krista rattles on and on about how great of a businesswoman she is, and all the other ladies are over it. Even Dr. Debbie looks like she wants to join Heidi in the kitchen to slug down some bubbly.
When they finally get Krista to shut her trap, they move on to Kim and Kimberly. They still refuse to discuss their issues, but this time, Dr. Debbie is over their crap. She calls them out for pretending to be perfect when they are clearly having major issues.
Next, it’s time to begin the “Very Special” part of the episode. The doctor splits the group into two groups, and sends one group on their way.
“Today is your mother’s or your daughter’s funeral,” Dr. Debbie tells the remaining women.
Well ain’t that just some kick-ya-in-the-head kind of fun!
The doctor then tells the other group that they are all going to a cemetery (“Road trip!”) so they can stand there and watch their mother or daughter “grieve their death.”
What the hell kind of crap is this? Seriously.
Dr. Deb seems very excited about the exercise. She’s literally grinning as she explains how the other group will be drowning in tears at their fake gravesites.
That’s not all, though…. we soon learn that Karen is particularly upset by this exercise, and with good reason. Her mother just died a week ago. This is messed up, even for trashy reality TV! Of course, the cameras make sure to zoom in on Karen to capture every single tear.
Meanwhile, Kim is refusing to do the exercise. She doesn’t want to go to a cemetery and stand over a grave and pretend her daughter is dead. She thinks it’s disrespectful and ridiculous.
Again, when Kim Richards is the voice of reason in a situation, ol’ Dr. Deb may want to reexamine the plan.
Kim tells Dr. Debbie that she will leave the show if she makes her go to a cemetery and do this ridiculous stunt. She has another reason for not wanting to go, however.
“I can’t go near a spiritual ground,” Kim says. “The spirits just attach themselves to me!”
And….scene. Can’t we end this right here? How can we top this?
Dr. Deb is really trying hard to sell Kim on going to the graveyard and “letting the spirits attach themselves” to her and her daughter. Kim protests, but eventually gives in.
The gang all dashes off to the cemetery, where Dr. Deb has already set up fake gravestones for half of the ladies. Natalie is first to go to her mom’s fake gravestone. Soon, Natalie is wailing about how sorry she is for being a miserable brat for so long.
Kimberly is next. She goes to her mom’s “grave” and tearfully exclaims that she’s been expecting her mom to keel over for years now, given that her mom is such a mess. Kim and Kimberly reunite and have a beautiful moment…until they get back in the car and start screaming at each other. Kim is apparently pissed that Kimberly thinks she’s a big enough trainwreck that her life is in danger on the regular.
Um….maybe because you are?
Kim yells that she won’t be able to “walk down the damn street” now that everyone knows she’s a drunken mess.
No worries, Kim. There’s no secret revealed there.
The ladies continue to scream at each other all the way back to the house. Great job, Dr. Deb! Another successful “treatment” in the books!
The Kims get back to the house and Kimberly’s in tears and Kim is threatening to leave the house…again.
Meanwhile, back at the boneyard, other ladies are confronting their mother or daughter’s fake death.
It’s not every day you get to write that sentence now is it?
Shar is having an incredibly hard time with this exercise, and rightfully so. She has to confront any parent’s worst nightmare: the death of her daughter. Dr. Debbie forces Shar to walk over to the fake grave and Shar looks like she’s going to heave up all that free breakfast she just scarfed down.
Back at the house, the Kims are still arguing about how Kimberly dared to say she was worried about her mom. Kim is outraged and is throwing crap into her suitcases and exclaiming that she’s leaving the show….again. Clearly, the spirits have latched on to Kim because she’s acting crazy.
The sun has gone down, but that won’t stop Dr. Debbie and her fake death shenanigans! Poor Krista has to go to the cemetery at night, and it’s almost pitch-black by the time she gets to sob at her daughter Courtney’s fake grave.
Anyone else expecting Krista to whip out a can of spray paint and write her business name across Court’s headstone?
Heidi is next. She must confront her mother’s gravestone while Darlene watches from a van. They are the last pairing to go.
Poor Dar has been sitting in that van for like 12 hours, waiting for her turn to participate in this charade. Heidi better produce enough fake tears to make this all worth it!
Heidi does not disappoint. She delivers an Emmy-worthy performance full of ugly crying, proclaiming how sorry she is that she was a miserable bitch to her mother for so long.
Darlene runs out of the van to comfort Heidi, and the ladies vow to never take each other for granted again!
Once all the moms and daughters have experienced fake death, they all head back to the house. Everyone is drinking and braiding each other’s hair and whatnot, except for Kim, who is still trying to shake the spirits off her soul. She’s in her room, so Kimberly goes in to try to beg for forgiveness after saying how she really feels about her mom. Kim is still set on leaving the show.
“You are the worst!” Kimberly yells at her mom. “Honestly!”
Kim refuses to show up for dinner, so Kimberly tries to convince her to join the group. Kim’s still not havin’ it, but eventually she stops folding blankets and packing clothes long enough to go get some free dinner. She sees that Dr. Deb has joined them for dinner, and Kim is not thrilled. Still she realizes that leaving the show (and that big fat paycheck that goes with it) is not the right thing to do.
After dinner, everyone goes to bed…everyone except Heidi, Natalie and Courtney. They’re drinking, of course, and Courtney is, for some reason, dressed as Jan Brady and rubbing her butt on Natalie’s crotch. As you do.
Natalie’s angry that she doesn’t have more drinking buddies, so she starts getting really aggressive and loud. A few of the moms join the drunks for hallway hi-jinks.
Meanwhile, Kim is trying to sleep. (She’s surely exhausted from having all those spirits enter her body and whatnot!) Somehow Natalie gets the idea that Kim is talking crap on her, so she storms into the room where Kim is to bring down the drunken hammer on her.
Next week, all of the ladies will keep screaming and fighting with one another. Yay for “therapy!”
To read our recap of the previous episode of ‘The Mother/Daughter Experiment,’ click here!