Kendra On Top is back! Get ready for more manufactured drama! More (possibly fake but certainly confusing) affairs with questionable people! More threats of divorce!
Let’s get down to business!
We begin with a flashback to October 2015 when Kendra finds out that her mother, the always-up-for-a-party Patti, is threatening to write a tell-all book about Kendra.
“She did nothing but add pain to my life,” Kendra says of her mother. “She took my tears off of my face and f**king sold them.”
We all know that if anyone is going to sell Kendra’s tears it’s going to be Kendra herself! Hell, she even admitted it!
We fast forward to three months later. We learn that Kendra is working with a new manager and publicist now. Hmm. Does this mean she cut ties with whoever convinced her to blast her marriage troubles on reality show after retched reality show?
The new manager asks her if she wants to go down any new roads and Kendra brings up the music road.
Oh God no! Hasn’t the music industry suffered enough in the last five years!?
Luckily for our ears, Kendra’s manager says he was thinking more along the lines of her writing a book. Kendra, of course, then goes off on a tangent about Party Patti’s book. We get it. Your mom hates you and wants to tell the world. (Also…raise your hand if you’d rather read Party Patti’s book than Kendra’s. Just sayin’…)
The manager says “someone” reached out to him about a possible Girls Next Door reunion.
Yeah, right. You know the writers for this show are the ones who came up with that idea. The “Hank cheated” story line is dead, so they’re grasping at straws now.
Kendra says she doesn’t think Holly would do it (given how much Holly bagged on Kendra, Playboy and her life at the Mansion in her last book). Kendra is also skeptical that the third “Girl,” Bridget Marquardt, would agree to do a reunion. Kendra, however, says she’s totally on board because…well, she’s Kendra.
Next, Kendra and her trusty camera-hungry pal, Jessica, are heading to the Sundance Film Festival. Kendra said she needs a break. She does not, however, indicate what exactly she needs a break from.
“Hank and I are in a good place but…Hank knows I need to party!” Kendra tells us.
There’s just one little problem. Kendra and Jessica didn’t book a hotel so now they are stuck staying with Jayde Nicole. Jayde was Playmate of the Year at one point and used to date Brody Jenner.
Can we please get a Brody Jenner cameo on this show? Nothing says “D-list reality show” quite like a Brody Jenner cameo.
Jayde just happens to also be friends with Holly, which makes Kendra unsure if she’ll be able to get along with Jayde.
“I don’t like girls. You know I don’t like hanging out with a bunch of girls,” Kendra says.
Kendra arrives at Jayde’s house with burgers for everyone…but soon finds out that everyone there is vegan.
“Who doesn’t love 100 percent Grade A processed meat?” Kendra asks.
Since her food offering bombed, Kendra keeps bitching about how awful the situation is to have to stay with Jayde…in a giant vacation house…in Utah…for free. Life is so hard!
Kendra decides that the best thing to do is to corner Jayde and ask her if she’s friends with Holly…because apparently that’s what you do when you are a bunch of immature women with nothing better to do.
We learn that Kendra is not the only Playmate to have problems with Holly. Jayde claims she is no longer friends with Holly because Holly went “full blown crazy” on her and started talking crap about her.
“I can’t hate Jayde now,” Kendra says. “I mean, she hates Holly too. The enemy of my enemy equals friend.”
Yeah, this is really sounding more and more like middle school. Except with alcohol.
Next, the squad of skankily dressed gals head out to the club.
Kendra and Jayde have a forced conversation in the club about Party Patti. (I mean, who doesn’t talk about their mother when they’re at ‘da club,’ right?)
“I don’t know what I would do if my mom tried to f**k me over,” Jayde says.
Kendra dramatically storms off to cry in the bathroom and Jessica puts down the free drinks long enough to trail after her. Kendra rants and raves about Party Patti in the bathroom for a while and then her and Jessica leave early.
The next morning, Kendra and Jessica decide to go snowboarding while Jayde and the other youngins sleep off their hangovers. This show is pretty boring. Who would have ever thought we’d long for the “Hank cheated with a transsexual model” days?
That night, Kendra & Co. decide to spice things up by having a raging house party.
“We’re here to party,” Kendra says.
Um…when do you not party, Kendra?
Kendra spends the night flirting with various guys and alluding that she would totally cheat on Hank. (As you do…)
Kendra walks up to random NFL players and says, “Being a mom and a wife, I like to know if I’m still f**kable. Would you guys f**k me?”
One dude almost spits out his drink when Kendra asks him this. He’s probably wondering why his old teammate’s wife is hitting on him. Both guys start moving closer to Kendra and I have to check my browser to make sure I didn’t accidentally surf on to P0rnHub or something…it’s getting awfully uncomfortable to watch…
After the men assure her that they would have sex with her, Kendra seems happy, albeit desperate and pathetic.
“She is getting super close to the fire and I just hope she doesn’t get burned,” Jessica says.
Oh, whatever Jessica, you don’t care what happens as long as you’re still getting those WEtv paychecks!
Kendra and Jessica finally make it back home to Calabasas where they discover that they have kids and husbands and stuff. Poor Hank is just sitting there waiting to find out if his wife cheated on him or not.
Kendra tells Hank that she asked two guys if they would have sex with her. Long-suffering Hank isn’t happy to hear this news, but Kendra tells him not to worry because she wouldn’t have sex with those guys. She adds that she will have sex with him now that she knows those guys would have sex with her.
As the episode ends, Kendra gets a call telling her that the ‘Girls Next Door’ reunion will probably happen. For some reason, she acts like she’s not happy to hear this news, but we all know she’s rejoicing on the inside because this will give her a chance to confront Holly, face-to-face, and, more importantly, on camera!
Until next week!
To read our recaps of last season’s ‘Kendra On Top’ episodes, click here!