Howdy, Roundupers! Before we go down the rabbit hole of chaos and condom-less adventure that is Teen Mom 2, The Ashley wants to apologize for being a “bitch of a recapper” and getting so behind in ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps. You may have noticed that The Roundup got a spiffy new makeover earlier this week, so The Ashley was busy with that and didn’t have time to snark on Jenelle & Co. Plus, MTV was being a “bitch of a network” and threw two episodes back-to-back at The Ashley! That’s a whole lot of trainwreck to recap in one week!
Anyway, let’s get started. The Ashley only missed one episode and already Jenelle has a new soulmate. Wait…what? Wasn’t she just chucking glassware at people’s heads because she was sad about missing Nathan? How can this be? The new dude is named David and I’m fairly certain he is the lovechild of Lurch from The Addams Family and Janet Reno.
We also missed a big verbal brawl (filmed via iPhone, naturally) between Jo and Kail, and Leah got the news that her pesky ex-husband (number 1), that dern Corey Tyler, has done taken her twins from her! Now who’s gonna eat all them Lunchables in the fridge that she bought for the girls’ lunches?
The new episode starts in South Dakota, where Chelsea pulls up in her big, shiny new white Mercedes to the grocery store. Other Chelsey and Aubree are shopping for necessities, such as lunch items and, hopefully, new glasses for Other Chelsey. Chelsea tells her friend that the measly money that Adam is currently paying her in child support wouldn’t even cover the food Aubree eats in a month. (Too bad his kid isn’t Ali or Aleeah; they are used to getting less food so they’d be a lot cheaper to feed!)
Next, we hope over to whatever humble abode Jenelle is dwelling in this week to see if she’s engaged and/or pregnant yet. (Hey– she’s got a new dude. We all know one or both of these things are coming.)
Jace is staying with Jenelle for the weekend, along with Lurch and his daughter. Jace is probably confused as to 1) who the hell this new dad-and-sister combo is 2) what happened to the dad-and-sister combo that was Nathan and his daughter and 3) what the hell is going on with David’s face. (We’re all wondering about that last one, no? It’s…interesting.)
Apparently Lurch’s sister and her kid crashed at Jenelle’s pad last night, and they were all up late braiding each other’s hair and comparing rap sheets, so Jenelle is exhausted the next morning. Unfortunately, she wakes up and realizes she has two whole kids to care for BY HERSELF DUDE!
Barbara comes in and notices that her “bitch of a daughta” has a big ol’ gash on her chin. Jenelle claims that she “just fell” and Babs doesn’t even try to hide how grossed out she is.
Kaiser starts crying and Jenelle immediately starts to freak out, screaming that she can’t do this because she only had four hours of sleep.
“Why’d ya only have four howas of sleep, Juh-nelle?” Babs cackles.
Jenelle blames Coke for keeping her up all night. This time, though, she doesn’t mean the kind of Coke that goes up your nose. Instead, she’s talking about the soft drink Coke, which apparently Jace and the litter of kids that stayed at Jenelle’s place last night were guzzling soda until all hours.
“When Jace comes, you’ve got to hide the Coke!” Babs says.
Why do I feel that this isn’t the first time Babs has uttered that exact sentence to her “paaaaarty gahl” daughter?
Hey, safety first!
Babs takes Jace to the car, but he’s being a bitch of a grandson. He’s super tired and is screaming, whining and being mean to Babs.
“I’m tiiiiired!” he cries, before screaming at Babs to shut up. Barb gets a frightened look on her face, because she’s surely realizing that this is how it all began with Jenelle…
Next, we check in with Kail, who is preparing for Lincoln’s birthday. She is still waiting to hear if Javi is going to be deployed soon, so things are a bit tense in the house. To add to the tension, a sweatsuit-clad Jo arrives (looking like J-Lo circa 2002) to Kail’s house to drop off Isaac. He transfers the kid without even saying a word to Kail.
Finally, we go visit Leah to see what she’s up to. As per usual, she’s huddled under a blanket on the couch, sleeping off her “sleepiness.” She’s sans twins, so she only has “the other one” to parent.
Meanwhile, Corey is tasked with getting the girls up and ready for school. They’re trying new and exciting things, like brushing their teeth and having their hair fixed! Hell, they’re even getting a breakfast and a lunch that doesn’t come from the back of Mel’s Fix ‘n’ Feed Gas Mart! The girlseses are living the high life, y’all! (So is Leah but….in a different way….See what I did there?)
The girls and Corey are out the door by 6:24. Seriously, what the hell time does school start in West Virginia? I hope they serve these kids espresso during recess because Jesus God (Leah) class starts early!
That afternoon, Leah picks up the twins from school and is sad to find out the girls missed her during the week they were at Corey’s. In between sending texts on her giant phone/tablet/notebook thing (what the hell is it?) Leah listens as Aleeah tattles on her sister. Apparently, Ali congratulated her Pops for getting them to school on time, unlike Leah who always makes them late.
Leah is angry that Ali “lied” to Corey about Leah getting them to school late. She tells the girls that they shouldn’t be discussing stuff like that.
“Y’all just need to school,” Leah says. (No seriously, she really does.)
Aleeah is sad because she missed her mother, and Leah looks upset by the whole scene. Meanwhile, Ali provides a slow clap for her sister and mother, which is kind of fitting.
Back in Carolina, Babs is quizzing Jace on how things went at Jenelle & Lurch’s Fun Factory this weekend. Jace says that Lurch is “good” but he admits that Jenelle always has a new dude hovering around her. He seems to consider it business as usual at this point.
Jace says he likes to go over to see Jenelle, and he doesn’t mind that there’s always a large assortment of potential baby-daddies, random kids and assorted hoodlums hanging around her house. Barb, however, is worried about having Jace over at Jenelle’s place.
In West Virginia, Leah takes the twins to pick out pumpkins. Addie is nowhere to be found, but we can assume she’s spending time with her dad, Jeremy. Either that or she’s buried under a pile of coats in Leah’s car, so either way she’s relatively safe.
Later, the girls tell Leah that they don’t like staying at Corey’s during the week.
“I miss doing your hair every week before school,” Leah tells the girls.
The next morning, Leah gets the girls out the door on time, and drops them off at school. As soon as the girls are out of the car, she pulls out a mystery orange sprayer thingy, but seems to remember the cameras are on and thinks better of it. Now, some people are saying that those things can be used for sprayin’ “tired pills” into a nose, but surely it is just to help her with those ding-dang allergies!
Meanwhile, Corey is talking to his dad about the girls adjusting to life at his house. He tells his dad that he expects Leah to try to overturn the court’s custody ruling. He says that Leah now wants 50/50 custody which is, ironically, what he says he’s been asking Leah for for years but she wouldn’t agree.
Corey feels bad that his daughters have had to deal with so much in their short lives.
Next, we go back to Chelsea, who isn’t much fun to cover these days, since all she does is be stable and happy. The nerve!
Chelsea notices that a GIANT house is for sale nearby, so she, Cole and Aubree drive by to see it. Cole says that he wants to buy a house with Chelsea, which makes Chelsea feel happy that Cole’s ready for a such a big commitment.
Soon, they find a house that they both like and are considering purchasing together. They put in an offer for it. Chelsea is going to have to sell her giant cabin that she purchased on her own, but she’s excited to buy a cabin with Cole. He even mentions the word “wedding” which makes Chelsea spittle a little.
Back in Delaware, Kail and Javi discuss the chances of him being deployed for six months. Javi wants a going-away party, but Kail is reluctant to plan it because she doesn’t think he will actually get deployed.
The next day is Lincoln’s birthday party. (Does anyone else enjoy the fact that Lincoln answers every question he’s asked with “NO!”? He’s my kind of kid!)
The party is a great success, and all the kids seems to be having a great time. Javi decides to bum some people out with the news that he’s going to have to go away on deployment, but otherwise it goes off without a hitch.
Meanwhile, Jenelle is unable to get in touch with Babs. She is hoping to fetch Jace, but Barb has turned off her phone and is not answering Jenelle’s calls.
Lurch advises Jenelle that she really needs to get custody of Jace. “I don’t see any reason why he needs to live with her.”
As Lurch is saying this, Jenelle is literally freaking out because she can’t control the one child who does live with her. She plops Kaiser into his highchair and throws some sort of orange-colored swill into his highchair tray for him to graze on while Jenelle complains about Barbara.
“She did this to me for, like, two weeks!” Jenelle says of Barbara not picking up the phone. “When I was in St. Thomas! She wouldn’t let me see Jace before my trip.”
How dare Barb be upset that you’re off having a “la-dee-dah time” with your new “boooooyfriend” in St. Thomas while she’s stuck taking care of your kid!
Jenelle vows to keep calling until Barbara answers her phone. Did it ever occur to these two knuckleheads that Barb can’t answer her phone because she’s at work? Employment is a novel idea to both, but it seems like that may be a possible reason. Either that or she just doesn’t want to have to take Jace to the Jenelle’s House of Chaos again.
Later that night, Jenelle gets a call from Barb who tells her daughter to stop blowing her phone. Barb tells Jenelle that she was working and couldn’t answer.
“I knew you’d make up some big excuse!” Jenelle says.
Jenelle ends up hanging up on her mother, which is par for the course at this point.
In West Virginia, Leah and Corey are both attending Ali’s chorus practice. It’s the first time that Leah will be seeing Corey since he done took her kids away, so she’s nervous. Corey is sitting outside the practice and Leah arrives to watch but– OOPSIE!– she accidentally forgets that Addie is in the backseat! She heads into the church and then remembers that she has another dingdang kid and goes to fetch Addie. After she digs her out of a pile of trash in the back of the car, they head inside.
Leah arrives with Mama Dawn (who we haven’t seen enough of this season). It’s super awkward as Leah is sitting there next to Corey. Addie, meanwhile, is just happy to be allowed out of the car.
Ali is happy to see both of her parents at her practice, and Leah is sad that she can’t take Ali home with her.
Back in South Dakota, Chelsea tells her mom, South Dee-ko-tah Mary, about the house they are considering buying. Mary is pleased to hear that Cole is ready for a commitment, and that he’s not scared that Aubree calls him “Coley Daddy” now.
The realtor texts Chelsea to tell her hat she didn’t get the giant house. Chelsea is sad that she’s going to be stuck in her current giant cabin house for the time being.
Finally, we check in one last time with Kail. Lincoln is yelling obscene words in Spanish, and Javi drops a bombshell on Kail. He informs her that he’s for sure going to be deployed in a couple of weeks. It’s obvious that this isn’t the first time Kail has heard this news, but they’re doing their best to try to make it look like it’s a surprise.
Lincoln responds to the news by calling Javi a “dada puta.” (As you do.)
Kail is happy that she will at least be able to communicate with Javi, unlike when he was in basic training. They decide to tell Isaac, and he gets very emotional at the thought of Javi leaving.
The Ashley will try to get us all caught up on ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps! Stay tuned!
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