The time has come! The Ashley waits all year for the premiere of what she feels is quite possibly the best television show ever– Bachelor in Paradise! With all the desperate people searching for
love camera time, combined with buckets full of alcohol being dumped down said desperate people’s throats, ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ has all the makings to be the most disastrous television event of the season!
The trashheap of a season begins with the fantastically cheesy opening segment. This year, they didn’t disappoint with the credits– from men doing swan dives into the pool, to Chad being referred to as “The Chad.” (Can you imagine someone going by “The __?” How ridiculous, right?!)
Chris Harrison welcomes us to Mexico, where Bartender Jorge serves him up a giant drink. We then meet the cast. First up are twins Emily and Hailey, who insist that everyone will know who’s who because their butts are different and stuff.
Jubilee of Ben’s season will also be hitting the beach in Paradise, but she’s vowing to leave her bitchy attitude at home.
Daniel of JoJo’s season will also be there. He tells us that he’s basically like herpes…but the treatable kind, so it’s OK.
Next up is Nick Viall, who is back AGAIN, hoping to find love, since he got dumped by Kaitlyn…and Andie…and all of the rejects who were on this terrible show last year. Come on, bro…it’s getting a bit much now.
Evan from JoJo‘s season is also in attendance. He’s back, has a new non-ripped shirt and is bragging about how great of a dad he is. (Um…you’ve left your three kids twice in a few months span to go on pathetic dating shows. Let’s not be patting ourselves on back too much, there, Ev.)
Naturally, they only brought Evan to Paradise because they were also bringing Chad. He’s packed plenty of protein and is looking to get into Lace‘s sarong at some point during his time on the show.
Lace tells us that she’s well aware that she drinks too much. Naturally, the best thing to do if you have a drinking problem is to go on a show where you start off every day by dumping a bottle of bad tequila into your gullet.
Single mom Amanda is also in Paradise. She’s telling us how important her kids are to her. Um…? They’re so important that she’s ditched her two kids (who, mind you, are both under five) yet again to go rub up on some random dudes on a beach for a few weeks. (You know you were thinking the same damn thing. Just because she dresses cute doesn’t mean she gets a pass for leaving her kids again to go on another show.)
She’s the first to arrive at the resort, and Nick comes in soon ever. He tells Chris that he’s nervous because this is so “different” for him.
Different? Um…you do this every single year, bro. Jorge already has your drink order up and ready for you at the bar.
Jubilee comes down the stairs next, followed by Evan, whom Jubilee refers to as “the penis guy.” Well, we can’t really deny that– Evan is kind of a little dick. He has the hots for Amanda, mainly because they are both terrible parents who can’t stop going on reality shows.
Vinny of JoJo’s season arrives next, and he’s thrilled to be in “Porto Vay-arti.” Good Lord, please let him speak Spanish the entire season.
Carly (who was viciously dumped by Kirk on last year’s season of ‘Paradise’) comes in next, swearing that she will “test drive some cars” before she makes any connections. (In ‘Bachelor’ speak, that means that she’s gonna hump around before sinking her claws into a mate.)
Daniel and Grant come to the beach, and Daniel is unimpressed with the selection of females available for him to bang. He says he might be willing to hump Amanda if he was drunk, but calls the rest “washed-up street dogs.”
I feel bad for the girls– they have to pick between hitting the sheets with guys like “penis boy” Evan or Daniel the Dick. I guess they can always throw a Valtrex at Nick and hump him, but it’s slim pickens over here in Paradise.
Sarah of Sean‘s season (and ‘Paradise’ Season 2) comes in next, telling us that she’s not going to quit going on this terrible program until she gets one of these dudes to propose to her. Can someone tell this chick about Match.com? She’d have a better time meeting a decent guy anywhere but here. Hell, she’d probably find a better guy hanging out in front of a liquor store than on this show.
The twins arrive next, and quickly begin “checking out the bulges.” They both enjoy looking at Daniel, and apparently Daniel feels that Emily is not a “washed up street dog” because he immediately hits on her.
Izzy, of Ben’s season, walks in next and no one has any clue who the hell she is (including all of us watching). Daniel is drawn to her and shows this by talking about how much he hates ugly broads. Izzy is understandably frightened.
Lace comes in (sporting some very unfortunate hair extensions), and most of the guys pick up on the fact that she’s batsh*t crazy.
The next person to arrive is Jared, who, as you may remember, was on ‘Paradise’ last season. Jubilee is thrilled, because he’s the first guy she wanted to bone.
Meanwhile, Evan is still talking about Chad. He’s positive that Chad will eventually show up in Paradise, and, of course, he’s right. The producers aren’t about to miss a chance to have a protein-packed Chad tear Evan apart using only his girthy man paws.
Chad finally arrives, and tells Chris Harrison that people didn’t like him because he was realistic about his relationship with JoJo, and because he wasn’t willing to be fake. Chris is basically peeing himself in excitement. Everyone seems to be afraid of Chad, except for Izzy who is anxious to share a meat platter with the new Paradise bad boy.
Sarah and Carly discuss the prospect of falling in love with Chad.
“That makes me sad about life,” Carly says.
Let’s be honest: you should be sad about your lives. You both have done two stints on this ridiculous show.
Meanwhile, Chad is being nice to everyone on the beach. He even apologizes to Evan for what happened on ‘The Bachelorette.’ Daniel is thrilled to see his old buddy, and they head to the shore to twist each other’s nipples and talk about who they want to bang.
Chad and Daniel are sure that they are going to get all the tail in Paradise because they’re so good looking and, clearly, have great personalities.
Now that everyone has arrived (for now), Chris makes sure the Paradisers know that they don’t get any money or any type of prize for sacrificing their reproductive parts to the reality TV gods. He also explains that the guys will be the ones handing out the roses first, which means that a woman will go home first.
Chris keeps telling the group about Tanner and Jade finding love in Paradise last season. (Why don’t you tell them about how happy the couple that got married after Season 1, Lacy and Marcus, are? Oh…wait…)
The group is downing shots and talking about who they want to hump first. Evan has a thing for Amanda, which is just comical. In no universe would a girl who looks like Amanda and a guy who looks (and acts) like Evan ever go out. Besides, Evan seems to be more concerned with being around Chad than any of the chicks.
Jubilee gets the first date card, and she decides to ask Jared out. She asks him and he accepts. Meanwhile, other people are ready to start swapping some spit.
Lace swims over to Chad to see if he’s boinkable. They hit up a hot tub and everyone knows that they are a perfect match since…well, Lace and Chad are both awful. Soon, they’re alternating between making out and screaming at each other. As you do.
Later, Chad is just throwing Lace around like a rag doll in the jacuzzi, and Grant is unhappy because he, too, wants to kiss and scream at Lace.
Meanwhile, Jubilee and Jared are heading out on their date. They arrive at some sort of pinata cave which is basically The Ashley’s idea of a dream date. They’re trying to sound smart by talking about books and stuff, when a crazy clown shows up to tell them it’s time to hit crap with bats.
Back on the beach, everyone’s stumbling around drunk and trying to figure out who they’ll be sharing a pack of condoms with that night. For Izzy, that’s likely going to be Vinny, whom she makes out with in the ocean, Clare and Juan Pablo-style.
Lace and Chad are still treating each other like the trashbags that they are. They’re joking about torturing each other, and both are completely drunk. Lace finally has enough of smelling Chad’s tequila breath and tells him to go away, but drunken Chad doesn’t seem to get it.
Their entire relationship lasted two hours (and about 17 tequila shots). Lace tells us that she’s disappointed in Chad, who keeps trying to kiss her, even though she told him that she doesn’t want him around anymore.
The twins and Amanda are just sitting there watching, stuffing their faces full of quesadillas and tacos and watching the trainwreck. They are not even worrying about finding a dude to makeout with, since watching The Lace & Chad Show is so much more entertaining than spending five minutes in a hammock with some random dude.
Chad is still drinking, and still pursuing Lace, but she thinks that he’s too mean to be around. Chad is threatening to murder people even though he can barely stand up. The rest of the Paradisers are starting to get scared that Chad will mistaken them for pepperoni stick and eat them. Soon he’s literally just growling at people and threatening to kill and rape anyone he sees.
I blame Jorge. He’s the one that gave this dude 47 drink over the course of two hours.
Sarah speaks up and tells Chad that his drunken aggression is unacceptable.
“F**k that one-arm bitch!” he screams about Sarah.
All of the women are totally put off by Chad’s comment about Sarah’s arm and his disgusting behavior. Sarah retreats in tears.
Chad tells Daniel that he really wants to put one of his body parts into Lace, something that Daniel tells him is never going to happen. Chad gets pissed and starts swinging at his buddy.
“I will punch a friend if I have to,” Daniel tells us. “I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.”
After telling Daniel, “Dude let’s get murdered!”, Chad grunts his way to the beach, where he proceeds to pass out next to a crab.
By the next morning, Lace has moved on to hitting on Grant, while Chad has somehow made his way to a bed. Along the way, though, he has lost his underwear. He also lost control of his bowels…and pooped his pants. Naturally.
No one has any interest in hanging out with an angry hungover jerk with crap-filled pants. (Go figure!) They seem relieved when Chris calls them into the common area. Chris asks Chad why he acted like such a disrespectful troll. Chad has no answer, but Sarah tells him that he said horrible things to her and Lace. Chad doesn’t remember threatening to massacre his fellow Paradisers.
Chris tells Chad that he turned Paradise into Hell, but Chad protests that he was just joking. Apparently Chad also instructed the hotel’s staff to suck a d**k, but Chad doesn’t remember that either.
Because of this, Chris decides to kick Chad (and his poopy pants) out of Paradise. Chad is stunned and doesn’t think that Chris is serious. Chad immediately blames Lace.
Finally, it’s time for Chad to be escorted off the beach. He starts smashing things and screaming at Chris. He storms off, shoeless, and complains about the high amount of crabs in his area.
That joke just kind of writes itself, doesn’t it?
Chad is still in disbelief, and is refusing to go back on camera as he’s being escorted off the beach.
“You didn’t even watch the show!” he yells at Chris. “You went to sleep with a mimosa and a robe, dude!”
(That is a fun picture though– Chris wearing a fuzzy bathrobe, sipping a Mimosa and giggling while watching drunken Chad on a TV monitor.)
Come on, Chad. You pooped your pants, bro. You can’t come back from that.
Next week, Josh Murray heads to Paradise, and Chad somehow makes his way back to the beach to throw crap at everyone.
Until next week, guys!