It’s time to take another dip in the scuzzbucket that is Bachelor in Paradise! The Ashley has been doing her best to keep up with this nonsense, but now that the lip locks, lousy dates and questionable life decisions are coming at The Ashley two days a week, it’s an almost impossible task.
This week’s episode starts where last Tuesday’s episode left off: Evan, the Island Weasel, is about to approach Amanda, despite the fact that she’s basically had some part of Josh stuck in her for the better part of two days.
Evan wants to date her and for some reason thinks that Amanda may want to date him. He really seems to have no idea that it’s generally a bad idea to hit on a girl who is boning someone else…and doing so basically in front of an entire group of people and a camera crew.
Evan goes up to where Amanda and Josh are disgustingly slurping each other’s spit and starts reading the date card he made for Amanda. Josh thinks it’s hysterical. He’s not even worried that this little weenie will steal his girl because..well…have you seen (and heard) Evan?
Amanda agrees to go with Evan, even though she obviously has no interest in him at all.
“I’ve been watching you from afar,” Evan tells her. (Nope…nothing creepy about that at all…)
Amanda is just staring at him. She looks really uncomfortable and seems to be trying to avoid hurting Evan.
Back on the beach, Josh is refueling by eating some pizza (and possibly pressure-hosing off his junk in preparation for Amanda’s return). He knows there’s no way Amanda would ever consider dating Evan so he’s not worried. Josh is just sitting there, grunting and moaning while he man-handles a Mama Celeste microwavable pizza.
Amanda tells Evan that there’s no way in hell she’d ditch Josh, but she knows he’ll cry so she lets him down easily. She starts crying to make it less awkward. Even though Amanda flat-out turns him down, Evan still thinks he may have a chance with her, and says that he sees that there is a spark in her eye when he’s around her.
Can someone tell Evan that the “spark” in Amanda’s eye is probably just a drop of Josh’s nasty sweat?
The Ashley’s not really sure what’s going on here. Either the producers are really awful and are filling this guy’s head with lies about him having a possibility with Amanda OR…he’s basically the thickest dude ever. It could possibly be both things happening at once.)
Amanda returns to her pizza-eating prince and Josh laughs at Evan’s misfortune. Amanda continues to make out with Josh (despite the fact that he literally has pizza oil and crap all over his disgusting mouth).
The next morning, the Paradisers are doing their morning routines– eating breakfast, checking to see if that pesky rash is finally going away, and/or shaving their backs. As you do.
That night, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. The girls will be giving away roses tonight, so it will be the guys groveling in order to get a rose. The established couples– Josh and Amanda, Izzy and Vinny and Lace and Grant— are sitting pretty (although that doesn’t stop Josh from sweating profusely. He’s literally more shiny than his greasy pizza from last night.)
Chris Harrison dismisses the group so the guys go grovel and try to impress the girls with their cheesy lines and muscle flexing and whatnot.
Evan is down in the dumps because he knows he isn’t getting a rose. Since he knows this, he decides that he needs to approach Amanda yet again. She uses a crowbar to remove her tongue from Josh’s mouth and leaves with Evan. Josh, meanwhile, is starting to get annoyed that this little twerp won’t stop interrupting his make out seshs.
Evan goes for the gold: He brings up Andi’s tell-all book, reminding Amanda that her Prince Charming allegedly verbally abused Andi. Of course Evan has to concentrate on another dude while attempting to woo a girl. That’s his only move. (Re: JoJo and Chad).
Evan does accomplish his goal somewhat, however. He doesn’t get to put his man-piece into Amanda, but he does manage to make Amanda question Josh’s mental stability. Amanda talks to the girls about what Evan said, and somehow, it gets back to Josh. He’s angry (like “Chad” angry) and storms over to prove how mentally stable he is. Evan weasels his way over to Josh, and Josh pulls him aside and tells him to stop acting like a trouble-making junior high school girl.
Josh is mad that Evan caused Amanda to question his character, and now they have to spend talking instead of making out.
Evan looks like he is about to crap his Hanes His Ways, but he sticks up to Josh and has this creepy little smirk on his face, almost like he’s proud that that he’s caused conflict for Josh and Amanda.
Evan asks Josh why, if Andi’s book is all lies, he didn’t sue Andi for libel. (To be fair, that’s actually a great question!) Josh spews something about being a spiritual person (which apparently means you can’t take someone to court?) He’s babbling faster than Chad after a protein shake binge, and the whole thing is just uncomfortable to watch.
“One day I feel like this guy is gonna explode,” Evan says of Josh (which is probably true, honestly).
While Josh and Evan are chatting, Nick moves in to talk to Amanda. He, too, warns Amanda about Josh. He encourages her to pull her tongue out of Josh’s mouth every once in a while and actually talk to see if he’s more than just an aggressive sweatball.
All of these warnings have made Amanda nervous. She seems very uncomfortable and unsure about Josh, which is a big change from where she was just hours ago. Amanda suddenly remembers that– oh yeah– she has some kids at home, so she should probably make sure she’s not bringing a verbally abusive goon home to be their new daddy.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris corrals the Paradisers and it’s time for the “ladies” (and, obviously, I use that term loosely here) to hand out their flowers.
Lace goes first, and it’s no surprise that she gives her rose to Grant. Izzy chooses Vinny, followed by Emily, who chooses Jared.
Next up is Amanda, and Josh is getting nervous. Even though he’s spent the last few days sweating and grunting over Amanda, he’s unsure if she’ll pick him after what she’s been told. She does pick him, much to dismay of Evan and Nick.
Sarah goes next, and both Daniel and Christian are hoping she will pick them. They’re both staring at her with creepy, glazed-over looks, and Sarah chooses Daniel. Next up is Carly, who isn’t really dating anyone. She’s debating between Nick, who is her friend, and Evan, who made her throw up on their date. She shocks everyone when she gives her rose to Evan. He’s clearly thrilled, and seems to have no idea that Carly gave him a pity rose.
“I can’t wait to tell my kids about Carly,” he tells us. (Yes, Evan, because kids love to hear bedtime stories about random chicks you met when you left them for weeks to go on a reality show.)
The last rose to be given out is Haley’s. Nick, Brandon and Christian are all rose-less, but Brandon is confident that he’ll get Haley’s flower since they went out once. She shocks him by picking Nick, telling him that he deserves to find love.
That sends Brandon and Christian home. Christian seems to be the most genuine guy on the show, which is probably why he went home after one week. Run, buddy! Run as far from these creeps as you can! You’re lucky to get out without one of these crazy girls (and/or a nasty case of syphilis).
The next day, Emily is all giddy about being with Jared. She says she can’t wait to spend every day with Jared…which, of course, is basically ‘Bachelor’ foreshadowing to someone coming in and stealing Jared away.
Almost on cue, Caila from Ben’s season walks in. All of the guys are drooling over her immediately. She’s giggling and swinging her beautiful, shiny hair around and all of the guys hoping that Caila will choose them to go on a date. The girls, meanwhile, are feeling extra self-conscious about their bleached out mops and bad roots now that Caila is on the beach.
The twins jump right into gossiping about Caila because, well, they’re jealous and they generally act like they’re about 12 years old. They get even more angry when they realize that Caila is spending a lot of time with Jared, who is Emily’s boyfriend…or whatever. Caila brings over the date card and asks Jared out. Jared tells Caila that he wants to go but he has to get permission from Emily first.
(Evan, of course, is totally enjoying the drama. He’s squealing like a little girl who just got Justin Bieber tickets.)
Jared backs Emily into a corner and basically makes her give him permission to go hump Caila in some waterfall. Emily starts bawling through her Wet ‘n’ Wild mascara because she doesn’t want to go home and she knows that Caila (and her gorgeous hair) is going to steal her man away.
Jared and Caila go off to ride horses on the beach. Caila looks like she’s in a tampon commercial or something– her hair is flowing in the wind, and her top is billowing in the breeze. Caila tells Jared that she once took horseback riding lessons in Argentina (because…of course she did). They finish the date off with a sunset picnic on the beach and a perfect kiss.
Back on the beach, Josh is still grunting into Amanda’s mouth, while Emily, Carly and Sarah are feeling lonesome and pathetic because, well, they are. Jared and Caila arrive back to the beach and it gets all awkward. Later, Jared calls Emily over to tell her that he wants to see Caila’s coconuts more than he wants to see Emily’s.
“I feel like I should explore things with Caila,” he tells her.
We get to see Emily’s face literally fall five stories. She goes back to the hut to bawl about how hard her life is and how no guys like her.
“I, like, always meet, like, great guys who always pick someone else who is, like, way uglier than me,” she wails. “There must, like, be something wrong with me!”
Um…well, it probably doesn’t help that you sound “like” you’re in seventh grade.
A date card arrives for both Izzy and Lace. They’ll be going on a double date with their men- Vinny and Grant. They’ll be going out for dinner and then hitting the club to make some bad decisions in tandem.
After dinner, the couples are heading to ‘da club.’ It’s a tequila-chugging, foam-filled mess, and Lace, Grant, Izzy and Vinny are loving it. Everyone’s making out and soon the girls are lying on a dirty, foam-covered floor with their dudes grinding their disgusting crotches on them.
Back at the beach, Sarah and Carly invite Daniel and Evan to have their own double date. (Um…isn’t it amazing how much Carly likes Evan now that she needs his rose?!) Daniel is hoisting Evan on Carly, which makes her uncomfortable. He tries to kiss her but gets rejected…again.
Later that night, a producer comes in and attempts to wake Evan up. She’s unable to wake him, which terrifies the crew. Apparently, Evan had too much to drink . They call for medical, and let Carly know that “her man” is basically comatose from a few wine coolers.
Evan wakes up and has no idea why medical is there with him. He seems totally fine (and is back to making that weasily smirk). Carly suspects that Evan may have been faking his “ailment” so she’ll give him attention. Somehow he manages to get Carly in his bed and then they’re kissing and it’s really…gross. It’s almost worse than watching Josh and Amanda moan ‘n’ make out.
Meanwhile on the double date, the girls are draped over a table when some local girl decides she wants to get on camera. She proceeds to throw ice water on Izzy and Lace, and Lace tries to beat her up but is dragged out of ‘da club’ by Grant. They should have let her brawl! It would be better than having to watch Emily cry or Josh eat pizza.
Meanwhile, a lonesome Nick tells us that he’s feeling really stupid for being on ‘Paradise.’ He’s feeling down because he has yet to find a “really great love.”
Um…maybe if you actually took a season off from appearing on these stupid shows, you’d meet a halfway decent girl, Nick. You’re 35 years old, bro, and you’ve been on this horrible show twice. Come on!
As they play Nick’s sad song, we are “treated” to the sounds of passion coming from Amanda and Josh’s sweatlodge. We also get to watch them hump via night vision. Back at home, Amanda’s kids are probably watching this wondering why Mommy is playing leapfrog in bed with some random oily dude.
The next day, another Paradiser arrives. Unfortunately, that Paradiser is Ashley I, the ever-crying, always annoying Kardashian wannabe from last season. She’s still in love with Jared, which should make for entertaining TV, since Caila and Emily are both in love with him as well.
Are there really three broads chasing this reject?! What universe are we living in?!
Until tomorrow, folks!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recaps, click here!