‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: Lady Boners, Lunatics & Love Triangles

Oh, Jared, you naughty, naughty little minx, you!
Oh, Jared, you naughty, naughty little minx, you!

If you didn’t get enough betrayal, (Josh) sweat and tears during Monday night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise, you’re in luck because we got another horrific episode on Tuesday! Thank the Baby Jesus that the producers only subjected us to a one-hour episode instead of another two-hour one! One-hour episodes are much easier to recap…not to mention tolerate in general.

This episode kicks off where we left off last night: Vinny is devastated after being dumped by Izzy, but he wants to make sure that Izzy is totally over him before going full “Mesnick” on the balcony of the treehouse.

"Waaaa!"
“Waaaa!”

Vinny sits Izzy down and gives a heartbreaking speech about all the fun times they had (in the week or so they were on La Isla Gonorrhea). Izzy tells Vinny that, while he’s nice and all, the fact that Brett makes her loins quiver so easily makes her doubt that Vinny is the right guy for her.

When you just want to bone the dude with the lamp but now everybody hates you...
When you just want to bone the dude with the lamp but now everybody hates you…

Both of them are crying as Vinny tells Izzy that he’s leaving. She begs him to stay. (Perhaps she’s hoping she can get a lil’ pickle tickle if Brett doesn’t really like her?) Izzy retreats to the hut to bawl that “Vinny’s leaving me!”

Um…you ditched the dude so you can go bone some guy with bad hair and ugly jeans. What the hell are you crying about?

Vinny leaves brokenhearted, which makes the other Paradisers question their own “relationships.”

Just then, Jade and Tanner, the couple who got married from the previous season of Bachelor in Paradise, walk in. They are the only successful couple from this show, so it’s no surprise that the producers wheeled them out to encourage the couples. (After all, successful couples equal successful TV wedding specials!)

Jade and Tanner talk to each couple and will decide which couple should get a date card. Carly and Evan go first, and Carly says that she needs more time alone with Evan.

There’s no doubt in my mind that this is the only time a female has ever uttered that sentence.

Um....ew.
Um….ew.

Next up are Lace and Grant, who tell Jade and Tanner they need a romantic date because Lace hasn’t told Grant that she loves him yet, even though Grant has already declared his undying love for her. The talk makes Lace feel uncomfortable, which makes her all snappy and bitchy. (Basically she turns back into the Lace we all know and….well, dislike.)

He's totally thinking, "Jade so wishes this were her getting my tongue in her mouth."
He’s totally thinking, “Jade so wishes this were her getting my tongue in her mouth.”

Josh and Amanda go next. They have somehow managed to crowbar their lips apart long enough to chat with Tanner and Jade. Josh keeps talking about how great Amanda is and how she’s a such a fabulous mother for being here. (Um….?) In between these statements, he is tongue-kissing Amanda, naturally.

Jade and Tanner are just sitting there looking disgusted/mildly horrified, as we all were while watching this scene.

Caila and Jared go next, and, of course, Ashley is petrified that she will lose the Prize that is Jared for good if they get the date card. Jade and Tanner seem to think they are a great match, which means that Ashley will undoubtedly try to sabotage them. Tanner and Jade then sit down with a solo Ashley, who tells them that Caila is a “faker person.” She’s convinced that she has totally ruined Jared’s chances of getting the date card.

I’m convinced that Ashley is actually an eight-year-old girl trapped in the body of a fake Kardashian woman.

"Ashley, I think we should look into getting you some psychological help..."
“Ashley, I think we should look into getting you some psychological help…”

Unfortunately for Ashley, Jade and Tanner see right through Ashley’s awfulness and give them Jared and Caila the date. Instantly, Ashley is bawling.

“Why am I still single?” she wails.

Um…maybe watch this season back and you should have your answer, Ash.

That night, Jared and Caila manage to break away from Ashley’s watchful eye to go on their date. Caila’s getting really tired of having to deal with Ashley glaring at her all day, but Jared assures her that he’ll figure something out. (The producers should probably hide all the weapons, tiki torches and sharp objects from Jared for the next few days.)

"If I had known that was all it takes to murder Ashley, I would have done it years ago!"
“If I had known that was all it takes to murder Ashley, I would have done it years ago!”

Back on the beach, Ashley is pouting that Jared is still not in love with her. She states that if Jared and Caila go into the Fantasy Suite together she will die.

Well… is that a promise?

The next day, Evan tells Carly that he was once a man-whore and that he was banging girls left and right for a few years.

Hahaha! That’s a good one, Evan! That’s almost as believable as when Ashley said she’s not in love with Jared anymore.

I feel like this scene has all the makings of the start of a horror movie...
I feel like this scene has all the makings of the start of a horror movie…

Just then, a date card arrives for Evan. Of course, he asks Carly to go and she accepts, hoping that this time she won’t vomit profusely after spending a few hours with Evan like she did on their last date. They arrive at some creepy campground where some people tell them that they have to go into some sort of Sweat Igloo and sing weird songs in order to find out if they should bone or not.

Next, they have to declare their feelings for each other while sweating. (Seriously, we haven’t seen this much sweat since Josh was eating pizza/ Amanda’s face.)

"Josh was right-- girls really do dig guys that sweat all over them!"
“Josh was right– girls really do dig guys that sweat all over them!”

Carly seems to find it endearing, and tells Evan that she’s falling for him.

Really? Him?

They throw water on themselves and then maul each other like animals.

Carly may not have vomited after this date, but I might after watching this. Eww.

The next day, Jared and Caila are closer than ever. As per usual, Ashley is just staring at them, and she decides to try to sabotage their relationship again.

“I’m like his main chick,” she says. “I can, like, make out with his mind.”

Not to mention cook his rabbit!

Anyone else think that this chick has a bag of Jared's hair and nail clippings under her pillow?
Anyone else think that this chick has a bag of Jared’s hair and nail clippings under her pillow?

Ashley manages to get Jared alone, and uses the time to tell Jared that Caila is only after the made-for-TV wedding and doesn’t actually like him.

“She’s not awesome,” Ashley tells Jared of Caila.

The chat sends Jared right up to Caila. He reports that “people” have been saying that Caila doesn’t like him, and Caila immediately knows that “people” equals “Ashley” and “Ashley” equals “batsh*t crazy.” Jared admits that it was Ashley who gave him this warning, and the perfect smile finally fades from Caila’s perfect face. Caila suddenly turns all thug.

“I need to talk to her,” Caila says.

"Look, I don't want to drown you in the ocean, but I totally will if you don't keep your mitts of my man!"
“Look, I don’t want to drown you in the ocean, but I totally will if you don’t keep your mitts of my man!”

She storms down to find Ashley. I’m hoping that soon they will be stabbing each other with tiki torches, but know that Caila is too classy to do that. As expected, she verbally bitch-slaps Ashley. Caila refers to her and Jared as a “we,” which, of course, makes Ashley want to die.

In.The.Face.

Next week, Josh and Amanda feel sabotaged by Nick, while Lace gets in trouble with Grant for ho’ing it up.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise,’ click here!

(Photos: ABC)

 

 

7 Comments

  1. I have no idea why I’m watching this show…never ever watched one Bachelor or bachelorette ever!! I have no idea who any of these super hard up people are!! It seems like the worse acting I’ve ever seen or the most stupid people I’ve ever seen. That hot tub is a cesspool of filth and ahh sperm I’m guessing. That guy who emcees the show is a creep too. Just eww, shoot me in the foot. Why why why, why am I watching, lol like they say it’s like a train wreck you don’t want to watch but you just can’t look away….??


    1. Well, keep in mind that these folks are rejects/favorites from the main shows and you lack the “back stories” to fully appreciate (or hate) what they are doing. I can just imagine coming in mid stream like you and saying WTF are these people doing? As you say it’s a train wreck, but I like to think I’m learning something about dating rituals and social behavior.


  2. jade and tanner are going to be on marriage boot camp next season lol. they’re just making the rounds, collecting money, like carly’s hoping she’ll be doing with evan next year. i don’t get how she can say he’s the worst kisser ever and be so repulsed to engaged to him. and he’s not a fucking single dad, he barely sees his kids. so they’d make a good couple that way, both wanting fame and money. ashley looks way better with less makeup, she’s ridiculous how much she cakes on, and pathetic with jared. begging a man to love you smh, please.


  3. On point as always The Ashley. I take your disgust with Ashley I and raise you 10x. I have to keep repeating “this is a tv show” to myself to keep from throwing something at my TV.

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