That moment when you want to rip someone limb from limb...but then suddenly remember you're on TV.
That moment when you want to rip someone limb from limb…but then suddenly remember you’re on TV.

Hola, and welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! Our days on La Isla Gonorrhea are sadly coming to an end but there’s still enough time for people to go home brokenhearted, pregnant and/or legally required to notify all of their future sexual partners of their status.

This episode starts off back on the beach, where Caila is confronting Ashley and basically telling her to back the eff off her man, Jared. Caila is slick. She’s obviously much smarter and more mature than Ashley. She knows exactly how to get digs in, without coming across as a middle school idiot like Ashley. She tells Ashley that while Jared loves her as a sister.

"Call me Jared's sister, do you? I'll fix you, Caila!"
“Call me Jared’s sister, do you? I’ll fix you, Caila!”

In.The.Face.

Next, Jared is forced to go over and talk to the snot-covered, blubbering mess that is Ashley. He tries to explain to her– again– that he has no romantic interest in her. Jared has told her this about seven times already, and it’s had no effect on her. It actually seems to make her want him more.

Ashley is crying and threatening to drown herself in the under tow. (Honestly, I’m shocked that Jared didn’t go grab Ashley’s bikini for her at the suggestion.) Ashley prays to her deceased dog to let her find someone who she can date (so, in other words, someone who didn’t watch Chris Soules’ season of ‘The Bachelor’ or the last season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’)

All of a sudden, Wells from JoJo’s season appears and Ashley seems to be interested in him. Everyone is thrilled because, well, they’re just as tired of hearing her wail about Jared as we are. Everyone is praying to their dead dog that Wells chooses Ashley to go on his date with him.

"I think I'm about to make a terrible mistake..."
“I think I’m about to make a terrible mistake…”

Every single person tells Wells to take Ashley out. He realizes that everyone is going to beat him up if he doesn’t ask her. Wells compliments Ashley on her Instagram account (as you do), and everyone is waited with baited breath to see if Wells will take Ashley off their hands. He agrees, and everyone is literally jumping for joy.

Wells, bro– take that as a hint! You can’t see crazy through Instagram!

With Ashley gone, Jared and Caila are free to touch each other’s naughties. They discuss how happy they are to not have to consider a crazy woman’s feelings every time they kiss.

"So if you're cool with wearing a paper Jared face over your face while we date, I think we could really have something here!"
“So if you’re cool with wearing a paper Jared face over your face while we date, I think we could really have something here!”

On the date, Ashley and Wells are chatting over tacos. In between making cringe-worthy taco puns, Wells tries to get the scoop on what the hell went on between Ashley and Jared.

Soon, Ashley’s sucking on Wells’ face, in between declarations that she is “soooo over Jared….like soooo over him.”

The next day, Grant is talking about how great his relationship with Lace is…which means that it is about to blow up any second.

Even Carl knows he's either two second away from getting laid by Lace, or beat up by Grant...
Even Carl knows he’s either two second away from getting laid by Lace, or beat up by Grant…

Of course, Lace swims over and basically just randomly pelvic thrusts into Carl, despite the fact that Grant, the man who just declared his love for her, is literally sitting right there. Grant is understandably upset, and pulls Lace aside to figure out why the hell she is acting like a crapdumpster.

Grant tells Lace that it’s not OK for her to attempt to bone other dudes in the pool. He tells her that she’s disrespectful and she explodes, telling him to “have fun finding love with someone else.”

She then collapses into tears, and all the other girls come to comfort her. She tells them that Grant stormed off “for no reason.”

UM?!

Lace is wailing that she wants to go home, and all the other girls are wondering why the hell Lace can’t keep it in her pants. She seems to be purposely sabotaging her relationship.

"No one should be subjected to being left alone with Amanda and Josh."
“No one should be subjected to being left alone with Amanda and Josh.”

Later that night, Grant is pouting because he’s fighting with Lace and has nothing better to do than to sit there and watch Amanda and Josh exchange Skittles via their tongues. Ew.

Lace approaches Grant and things get all awkward. Grant tells us that he’s unsure if Lace is worth all the trouble she causes. She tells him that she hates drama (Hahahahahha!) Grant suggests that Lace is acting like this because she is scared of being in love with Grant. They apologize to each other and reseal their relationship by guzzling down a bottle of tequila.

Meanwhile, Nick is still courting Jen. She doesn’t do much, but he seems to like the fact that she isn’t a complete drama queen or attention whore.

They go to retire to a hut, but Josh tells them that he and Amanda had already claimed that hut. He has already sweated all over the bed (apparently that’s how he marks his territory?) and tells Nick and Jen to get lost.

Josh has had his nightly pizza snack and is ready for some lovin'...
Josh has had his nightly pizza snack and is ready for some lovin’…

Amanda is already asleep, which means that Josh isn’t getting any nookie. Of course, that pisses him off so he goes to yell at Amanda for sleeping. This poor girl has been connected at the tongue with this dude for weeks– give her a night off, Josh!

Josh’s temper is totally flaring, and his eyes keep bugging out in anger. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to watch.

The next night is the Rose Ceremony. This week, the girls are handing out the flowers. Daniel is nervous that he won’t get a rose, as are Carl and Ryan, even though both men dated a twin.

Evan and Carly (who is wearing what may be the most unfortunate romper ever sold at a swapmeet) are gelling. In fact, they are declaring their love for each other (even though a few days ago she was vomiting at the sight on Evan). Speaking of vomiting, they keep making out, which is making all the viewers watching at home feel nauseous.

"This is the most sensitive look I could muster...I haven't had sex in over two hours!"
“This is the most sensitive look I could muster…I haven’t had sex in over two hours!”

Meanwhile, Josh is trying to pretend like he wasn’t all aggressive and angry because Amanda fell asleep without giving him a pickle tickle the night before. He’s rubbing his grubby mitts all over her, and spewing all kinds of verbal nonsense. He declares his love for her, and she, of course, reciprocates.

The twins, however, aren’t in love with Josh. They are noticing all of the red flags, so they pull Nick aside and talk to him about the reasons they think Josh is an aggressive lunatic.

"Even WE are smart enough to figure this out...why isn't Amanda?"
“Even WE are smart enough to figure this out…why isn’t Amanda?”

Nick agrees that Josh has a lot of aggression and gets angry for no reason. He also brings up the fact that it’s “obviously convenient” that Josh hooked up with America’s sweetheart, Amanda, right when he needed to rebuild his reputation after his breakup with Andi.

The three agree to confront Amanda about what they’re feeling. Before they have a chance, though, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony.

Girl...no. And that's in reference to both the romper and the man...
Girl…no. And that’s in reference to both the romper and the man…

Carly goes first and gives her rose to Evan, who does some sort of laughable “pimp walk” to accept the rose. Ashley goes next, and surprisingly she doesn’t offer her flower to Jared. She gives it to Wells, which makes everyone happy. Jen chooses Nick, and Izzy chooses Brett. Caila gives her rose to Jared, and Lace chooses Grant. Amanda gives hers to Josh.

Meanwhile, the twins are sad that they have yet to find love. They say that they don’t want to pretend to like Ryan and Carl, because they don’t. (Of course, Emily had no problems “riding Carl like Seabiscuit” a few days ago on the booze cruise date.)

"Lawd....and I even kissed Daniel to stay on this stupid show."
“Lawd….and I even kissed Daniel to stay on this stupid show.”

Emily and Haley tearfully announce that they have spent five sad weeks trying to bump uglies with someone, to no avail. They are choosing to go home, which means that Ryan, Daniel and Carl all have to go home with them. Now that’s gonna be a really awkward SuperShuttle ride to the airport.

Before they go, though, they are going to confront Amanda about her oaf-of-a-boyfriend, Josh. They are both crying hysterically as they tell Amanda that they think Josh’s intentions with her are not pure.

Um…this is ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’ Nothing is pure!

"Waa?"
“Waa?”

The twins tell Amanda that they believe that there is some truth to the awful things that Andi wrote about Josh in her book. They also tell Amanda that they think Josh is only with her because he thinks it will improve his tarnished image. Amanda is confused. (During this whole scene, Josh is just staring and glaring at them from the balcony above, naturally.)

As soon as the twins leave, Josh charges over to Amanda to see what she was talking about. She doesn’t want to talk, but Josh is insistent. He, of course, gets angry that people are talking about Andi’s book again. He insists that he’s the perfect mate for Amanda.

“I LOVE FAMILY!” he yells at her.

"I will murder you, Curly Sue!"
“I will murder you, Curly Sue!”

Next, Josh storms up to the group and demands that they all come down to listen to him rant. He says that he’s tired of being accused of being fake. He’s starting to get crazy eyes and tells everyone that they better speak up if they have a problem with him.

Nick speaks up, and Josh instantly starts shooting visual daggers at him. Josh keeps creeping closer and closer to Nick, as Nick explains that Josh hasn’t exactly shown the best example of good character. He admits that the twins came to him with their concerns, and says that Andi’s book was not fake as Josh has been saying.

Nick shows us the probability of him surviving this night, had the cameras and Amanda not been there...
Nick shows us the probability of him surviving this night, had the cameras and Amanda not been there…

After basically threatening Nick, Josh is sweating something fierce, and you can tell that he’s doing everything he can to not punch Nick on the side of the head.

People continue to trickle away from this madness, and Amanda is just sitting there crying. Josh storms up to his hut and starts frantically throwing crap into his suitcase, screaming that he’s going home.

"He tastes sincere to me!"
“He tastes sincere to me!”

Finally, Amanda goes to talk to Josh, and, despite the fact that everyone is telling her that Josh is a nutjob, she says she believes that Josh is a fantastic guy. She apologizes to him for questioning him. You don’t even know him, Amanda! All you’ve done is suck his face since you met!

Somewhere, Andi is watching this scene play out and thinking, “Gurrrl, you just wait!”

The next morning, Jami from Ben’s season arrives on the beach. She is lusting after Wells, and is pleasantly surprised to see him sitting on the beach alone. She is quick to ask him to go on her date, and Wells jumps at the chance. He has probably already figured out what a loon Ashley is, and wants an out.

"Why, God, WHY!? I thought I was rid of her!"
“Why, God, WHY!? Haven’t I suffered enough?!”

Everyone is worried what Ashley’s reaction will be when she finds out that the “new love of her life,” Wells, is taking out another broad. Nick breaks the news to Ashley, and Jared sees that his vacation from Ashley has come to an abrupt end. She handles it well, but we all know this is just the calm before the horribly annoying storm.

Of course, she instantly switches her attention back to Jared, who groans and looks like he wants to cry.

When you manage to break free from the grasp of Ashley...
When you manage to break free from the grasp of Ashley…

On the date, Wells and Jamie are having a great time. They explore some waterfalls, and chat about how nice it is to be away from everyone (and by “everyone,” Wells means Ashley.)

Back on the beach, Ashley confronts Caila and tells her that she’s soooo over Jared. Ashley tells Caila that as long as Wells can be her new Jared, she will will stop following them around. It’s all very creepy…

Ashley tells Caila that she should feel guilty for dating Jared in front of her. She manages to make Caila cry, and Caila seems to realize that she will never escape the crazy that is Ashley.

“There’s so much baggage involved,” Caila tells us, “and it’s walking around in red lipstick.”

"I'm holding onto my hair for dear life! That crazy biotch is gonna scalp me in my sleep!"
“I’m holding onto my hair for dear life! That crazy biotch is gonna scalp me in my sleep!”

Caila has had enough. She tells Jared that she’s leaving Paradise because she can’t stand to have this hovering lunatic following her around while she’s trying to bang Jared.

On the next episode Ashley goes full “Fatal Attraction” on Jared, while Wells finds yet another woman to free him from the bonds of Ashley.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise,’ click here!

(Photos: ABC)

 

 

 

 

6 Responses


  1. Amanda on dating Josh: “I’ve had a couple of bad relationships before, I think I’m a good judge of character.” I literally planted my hand on my face after hearing her say that.


    1. Yes, Amanda says this a numerous times the past few weeks and I have the same facepalm. It’s like Lace saying “I’m not crazy” or Josh talking about his chemo dog to prove his sincere intent.


      1. I was like “did he say his dog had cancer for 6 months or his dad or his … ?” I wasn’t sure if I heard right or not lol poor guy, couldn’t function in life for 6 months because his dog was sick … That’s pretty intense


  2. Gosh, The Ashley, where is the “bite” this week? You took it far too easy on the lunatics. Perhaps you are saving it all up for the exciting conclusion next week?

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