Sadly, friends, we’ve come to final week in Paradise. Summer is over, and we must bid farewell to the television jewel that is Bachelor in Paradise. This week, our couples must decide if they want to stay together and try to make their ‘relationships’ work, once they leave the beach and don’t have a steady stream of margaritas flowing into their gullets on the regular.
Before that, though, we will meet our final Paradiser. It’s Tierra, the chicken-obsessed girl from Ben‘s season of The Bachelor. She arrives and sees that every man on the beach basically already has a girl straddling him, so there’s really no one left for her. As Tierra approaches, Carly is clinging on to Evan to show Tierra that he’s taken.
Um…no worries there, girl. Ain’t no one gonna take that guy!
Nick goes over to talk to Tierra, which makes Jen upset because she’s been boning him lately. Luckily for Jen, Nick has no interest in the Chicken Lady. The only reason he is talking to her is because he’s trying to get his mitts on her date card so he can take Jen out.
Nick secures the date card, and he and Jen head to some sort of weird Mexican fair. They sit down to discuss their future with a psychic. You know this lady’s legit because she is wearing one of those shiny headbands that psychics wear in basically every movie.
The psychic tells the couple that she can tell that they are hesitant to move forward in their relationship. Ya think?!
Afterward, Jen is taking the reading way too seriously. Nick admits that he’s hesitant to commit to Jen, because every time he does that on one of these stupid shows, he ends up crying alone on the couch of an “After the Final Rose” ceremony, watching his beloved nuzzle with some other dude.
While Nick may be hesitant to declare his love for Jen, he has no problem basically going to second base with her…right there in the middle of the kiddie ride section of the Mexican carnival. He puts his tongue in her mouth faster than you can say “Cold Sore.”
Back on the beach, Josh is mauling a slice of pizza/Amanda. Tierra is new and isn’t used to their disgusting displays of affection and grunting. She’s understandably grossed out.
Meanwhile, Lauren has her eye on Brett. He’s been humping Izzy, but is ready to explore Lauren’s nether regions, so he has to give Izzy the heave-ho. Brett pulls Izzy aside, and she thinks she’s about to get laid. Unfortunately, she’s about to get dumped. Brett basically tells Izzy, “Thanks for all the sex, but I’m no longer interested in your loins.
Somewhere in Florida, Vinny is watching this scene and laughing his ass off.
Izzy runs into her hut to bawl, screeching that she feels dumb for dumping Vinny just so she could hump a dude in capri pants and boat shoes. Now that Brett doesn’t want her, Izzy’s feelings for Vinny are coming back. She decides to try to win her man back. The inspirational music starts playing and she calls up Vinny when she gets in the Pity Van.
He answers…and acts like he has no idea who the hell she is.
She’s begging for forgiveness and tells Vinny how much she loves him and needs him. She tells him that she left Paradise so that they could get back together and she could come to Florida to be with him. Vinny is a class-act. He tells her that basically he has no interest in being with her trampy ass after she ditched him and broke his heart. He hangs up on her, and she wails that she’s so stupid.
Soon, she’s faking an anxiety attack , standing on the side of a Mexican road, blubbering and alone. It’s kind of magical, actually.
The next day, Tierra is snarfing down chicken wings, Chad-style, and complaining that there is no “meat” left for her in Paradise. That night is the Rose Ceremony, and Shushana, Lauren, Ashley, Jamie and Tierra are all dateless and hoping to get the wild card roses that belong to Brett and Wells. Most of the girls are focusing their efforts on wooing Wells, which he is fine with because that means he’ll get to sample all of their saliva (and other body fluids) before deciding who he wants.
Of course, Ashley is positive that Wells will choose her over all the other girls because if he doesn’t, well, she will beat them all with a pinata stick. Soon Ashley has herself all wrapped around Wells.
Shu is not having any of this “fight for a man crap.” She storms out of the cocktail party and Wells follows her. She tells Wells that she’s not about to “hunt” an unemployed radio DJ with bad hair. She decides that she’s over Paradise, and wants to leave. (Basically she knows she’s going to be left rose-less and doesn’t want to look sad and desperate on a stupid reality show…again. Can’t blame the girl.)
After an on-the-beach meltdown, she jumps into a Pity Van and heads off to join Izzy at the airport.
So long Shanananana. We hardly knew ye.
It’s time for the guys to hand out their roses for the final time. Chris Harrison announces that if the guys give a girl a rose, and she accepts, that means that he’s committing his private parts to that girl for at least the rest of the summer.
Of course, Josh is eager to lock in his “baby,” Amanda. She accepts, and they “treat” us to a disgusting grunt-n-kiss sesh right there in front of everyone. Thanks for that guys.
Nick goes next, and offers his rose to Jen, who accepts. Next up is Grant, who gives his flower to Lace. Evan gives his flower to Carly. Next up is Brett. He gives a big speech about how he doesn’t really like any girl here, so he’s leaving without handing out his flower. He apologizes to Lauren and walks away. (Maybe she wouldn’t put out? Who knows?)
He hops into the Pity Van, and tells us that he’s a good guy because he ditched out without taking a girl he didn’t like into the Fantasy Suite the next night.
Finally, it’s Wells’ turn to hand out a flower. He is torn between a few women, but for some reason chooses Ashley.
Somewhere in Rhode Island, Jared is pumping his arms and hooting around the room and thanking the Baby Jesus for finally taking this lunatic off of his hands. He’s probably calling up the producers right now, offering to help pay for Wells’ and Ashley’s wedding.
That sends home Tiarra, Jamie and Lauren. No one really cares because they were all boring anyway.
The next day, the couples are talking about moving in together.
“Everyone needs to figure out if they’re ready for this lifelong commitment,” Grant tells us.
HAHAHAHA! Good one, Grant!
Chris Harrison comes in to tell the couples that they will need to go off and have a serious discussion, followed by a Fantasy Suite date.
Carly is really nervous, because last season on this day she got dumped–HARD– by the previous love-of-her-life, Kirk. Carly threatens genital mutilation if Evan does the same thing to her that Kirk did. As you do.
Ashley is excited because she thinks Wells may take her alleged “virginity.” She’s thrilled that Wells will be locked in a room with her for a period of time and unable to escape her.
That’s about the worst thing any person could do. I pity the fool who is stupid enough (or drunk enough) to take this lunatic’s virginity.
Wells is starting to understand that he is making a mortal mistake in dating Ashley, and seems to know that going to the Fantasy Suite with Ashley will seal his fate forever as The New Jared. He takes her aside, and tells her that they’re not going to get engaged, or have sex, or basically do anything.
He tells her that he cares about her but doesn’t know “where this is going.”
Oh yes he does know where it’s going: him heading to the police station in a few months to file a restraining order against this nutcase.
He tells her he’s jumping ship, and she begs him for one more kiss. The desperation is real, guys.
She’s wailing that she didn’t get a chance to bone Wells, or anyone for that matter. Wells is in the Pity Van, willing the driver to go faster, so he can jump in a plane before Ashley gets to the airport.
Ashley bawls all the way to the airport. Let’s hope we never have to see her ever, ever again. Despite what the producers must think, this woman is not good TV.
Back on the beach, it’s time for the couples to discuss their futures. They must say goodbye to the other Paradisers and get ready to go on their dates.
The first couple to go out is Grant and Lace. They purchase matching “GRACE” bracelets. (Grant + Lace= Grace…get it? Ugh…me too.) They also decide to get matching tattoos.
Getting a matching tattoo with some dude you met a few weeks ago? Why not?! Getting it done by a man named Chaps…on a desk chair…in Mexico? Sounds good!
Grant gets the “Grace” tattoo on his wrist first, and a hesitant Lace goes next.
“This right here,” Grant says, pointing to his tattoo, “is no joke. This is going to last forever, and I want me and Lace to last forever.”
Meanwhile, Jen and Nick strip down to go paddleboarding together. They’re a disaster…but at least they’re not allowing themselves to be permanently maimed by a dude named Chaps!
Jen tells us that she’s in love with Nick, but is worried that the feelings aren’t mutual.
On Evan and Carly’s date, there’s a lady coming toward them with a ton of paint on her (but, sadly for us, no bra). She wants them to strip down naked and paint each other. Dear God…NO.
Evan is wearing nothing but tighty whiteys and is soon rolling around with a blue bulge in his undies. (BRB gonna go vomit!) Despite all the naked painting fun, Carly is still nervous that Evan will dump her. She’s afraid that she will get “Kirked” by Evan.
Finally, we check in with Amanda and Josh on their date. They are going to be playing soccer with some local kids. They chose this date because Amanda allegedly has two kids herself.
“I have to be really careful who I bring into my kids’ lives,” she tells us.
UM…girl, you have already considered marrying two dudes within the past year. Have.A.Seat.
It’s time for all the couples to enter the Fantasy Suites. First, they will shovel food and wine into them in hopes that they will fornicate freely for the cameras.
Evan tells Carly that he loves her, and she tells him she loves him too. She says she’s been wanting to tell him that for “soooo long.”
Like three whole days, y’all!
Next, they hit the sheets, and thankfully we’re not forced to endure Evan in his tighty whities again.
On Jen and Nick’s date, they are discussing how far they live from each other. She’s in Florida and he’s in California, but they are considering trying to make it work…or at least get it on in the Fantasy Suite hot tub.
Meanwhile, Lace tells Grant that she’s “all in.” (Basically that translates to, “I got a tattoo for you- you better marry my ass!”) She opens up and tells him that she loves him finally, which makes him very happy.
“Grant just warms my heart,” she tells us.
No, girl, that’s the tequila!
On their date, Amanda and Josh decide that he’s ready to meet her kids. She says that she is considering marrying Josh.
They make it into the Fantasy Suite, where Josh’s groaning and moaning is on full blast.
We’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to see which couples get engaged and which couples will break up!
To read The Ashley‘s recap of the previous episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise,’ click here!