‘Teen Mom OG’ Season 6 Episode 9 Recap: Bugged Out Eyes & Bad Diet Food

My face while watching this episode....
My face while watching this episode….

‘Member back in the 1980s and 1990s when sitcoms would do those “very special episodes” to tackle important issue such as drug use, boozing or sex ? (The Ashley still can’t look at vanilla extract without thinking about the long-suffering “Uncle Ned” of Family Ties.)

Anyway, this week’s episode of Teen Mom OG comes as close to one of those Very Special Episodes as a ridiculous MTV reality show can. It’s one hour-long cautionary tale of what can happen when you give young people a consistent stream of money, and nothing to do but get high (allegedly) and sit around on their couches. 

"One more outburst from you and I'll pay to have your old face put back on!"
“One more outburst from you and I’ll pay to have your old face put back on!”

Anyway, we start things off in Austin, where Farrah is hard at work preparing to open up her new frozen yogurt business. The business will be called “FroCo” and its mascot will be some sort of dumpling-like monster (who bears a striking resemblance to Farrah after she gets cheek fillers) named “Cobadabobabababa” (or something like that.)

Naturally, Debra is right there to support Farrah (and ensure she’s not cut off from that CoppaCabana money that will come). Deb receives a harsh tongue-lashing from Farrah when she dares to call toys “FroCos” instead of  “CoppolaPasoboblas.”

The horror!

I mean, everyone keeps a copy of their sex tape in their office...right?
I mean, everyone keeps a copy of their sex tape in their office…right?

Farrah brags that she has “mastered the art of manufacturing.” (I mean, she is basically the Henry Ford of the 21st century, y’all.) She proves this to us by showing us her Cabinet ‘o’ Accomplishments which includes her creepy romance books, a ‘Teen Mom’ T-shirt and, of course, her greatest accomplishment of all, a copy of her “Backdoor Teen Mom” sex tape.

No, seriously. It’s just chillin’ there right next to the stuffed Poppadabobas and it’s rather disturbing. I suppose we should just be thankful she doesn’t have her vibrating vaginas on display as well.

Debra is eager to hear all about Farrah’s inspiration for opening the yogurt shop.

"I wish I could get my cheekbones like this!"
“I wish I could get my cheekbones like this!”

Farrah explains that she “went to school for restaurants” (as you do) but when she went to actually go work in a restaurant, she realized that she is way too good to be delivering Moon Over My-Hammys to the peasants. She wanted to be in charge and do things in her own [horrible and dictator-like] way, so she decided to open her own restaurant. Farrah describes her restaurant for her mother.

“Healthy, innovative…like me,” Farrah says. (So…it will also be narcissistic, demanding and downright awful?)

"Maybe you guys are just spending too much time together...at home...on the couch...doing nothing..."
“Maybe you guys are just spending too much time together…at home…on the couch…doing nothing…”

Meanwhile in Michigan, you know who’s not opening a business? Catelynn and Tyler. Cate is rolled up in blankets on the couch, while Tyler is out having lunch with his mother, Kim. In order for Kim to score that comped plate of Cajun Chicken Tortellini, though, she will have to sit there and talk crap on Catelynn with Tyler.

Ty explains that all isn’t well with Cate, even though she went to rehab. He says that she is failing to do her aftercare program, and Kim agrees that Cate is slipping her back into her own ways. They are both irritated by Catelynn’s lack of ambition.

Is she scrubbing that baby with a Brilo Pad?
Is she scrubbing that baby with a Brilo Pad?

Over in Tennessee, Maci‘s house is overrun with kids of assorted ages, and Maci is busy giving her youngest youngin, newborn Maverick, a bath. She clears all the rusted-out beer tabs out of the sink and gives the baby a good warshin’. Much like Maci’s ex, Ryan, Maverick starts screaming when he gets near soap and water.

Speaking of ol’ Ryan, he’s sitting at his house his mom’s house, logging heavy-duty couch hours when Producer Jaala comes by to visit him. (Hopefully she had the decency to turn him so he doesn’t get bedsores.) She walks in and, judging by the look on her face, you can totally tell that she lost a round of “Eeny Meeny Miney Mo” with the other producers and is sour that she’s the one who had to go have a very creepy chat with Ryan.

I like Jaala. She seems nice, has a cool accent and she always brushes her hair before going on-camera.

Those things could stare a hole right through ya!
Those things could stare a hole right through ya!

She opens the door and sees Ryan sitting there, looking like a bigger, dirtier version of Farrah’s CoppadeBopa dolls. His eyes are legit the size of Farrah’s backdoor after she went two hours with James Deen. Also, it looks like he hasn’t blinked since Bush was in office.

Jesus God (Leah)! It seems that Ryan took a few too many of his “special vitamins” today. (Allegedly.)

Jaala is doing her best to avoid staring at Ryan’s big ol’ eyes. She has to try to get the juicy gossip from him and find out why he is now living in his mother’s extra house, instead of directly mooching from his parents under their roof like he’s always done.

It’s simple, Ryan explains.

"OK but...what the hell happened to your face?"
“OK but…what the hell happened to your face?”

“Me ‘n’ my dad gottin’ an argument,” Ryan mumbles, while bugging out his eyes even farther for added effect. “Over some Allen wrenches.” (At least, that’s what I think he said. It was hard to understand with all the slurring, but from what The Ashley can gather, Allen wrenches were definitely involved.)

Jaala’s not buying Ryan’s story, so she keeps peppering a very tired Ryan with questions.

"And then sometimes I get so tired...and my Daddy don't wanna let me nap!"
“And then sometimes I get so tired…and my Daddy don’t wanna let me nap!”

Ryan tells Jaala that his Dick-of-a-Dad (not to be confused with a Bitch-of-a-Daughter) has “rode his ass” his whole life and that they’ve never gotten along.

That Larry is just awful: always wanting his 27-year-old son to work, go to school, be a father to his son, treat the people in his life with respect. What a dick!

Jaala is just sitting there with the “bless his lying, [allegedly] strung-out heart” look on her face. She’s relieved to hear that Ryan is still getting along with his mother, Jen.

Finally, we go to Indiana, where Leah is celebrating Father’s Day with her dad, Gary. For the occasion, Leah has purchased her father a Coach wallet and a collector coin. (Who knew Gary was a collector of anything other than ECHO T-shirts!?)

Across the way, Amber is depressed because she feels that the only thing that will fit her now are Gary’s ECHO T-shirts. She tells us that she’s gained a lot of weight and, instead of just dieting and exercising like the rest of us, she is planning to go see a “weight loss specialist” to help her shuck the extra pounds. Amber has gained back 20 of the 40 pounds she lost, and she’s not happy about it!

"MTV will pay you the same no matter what you weigh...right? Just checking..."
“MTV will pay you the same no matter what you weigh…right? Just checking…”

Ambie’s fiance, Matt, always knows the right things to say, though.

“I think she looks perfect,” he says, before adding in that quality digger, “she could be 900 pounds, I don’t care…”

In case you were wondering, that sentence ended with “as long as those MTV checks keeping coming in” inside of Matt’s head.

Amber tells us that she knows a surefire way to get her bod back to being 110 pounds and a size 0…but it will require her gulping handfuls of pills on the regular like she did when she was playing “Ali vs. Frazier” with Gary circa 2011.

"I don't care if you get enormous, babe, honest!"
“I don’t care if you get enormous, babe, honest!”

Ambie is not about to jeopardize her sobriety, so she’s going to the “weight loss specialist” to learn tips on how to stay healthy. She knows that dozens of people count her as a role model, and she doesn’t want to disappoint them by packing on the pounds. Amber is determined that she will not become “the big girl” on ‘Teen Mom’ ever again.

Well, Amb, I’m no “weight loss specialist” but if you want to lose a quick 200 lbs. of dead weight, you can give Matt the ol’ heave-ho. Just sayin’…

Back in Texas, Farrah is BUSY! She’s preparing to open her Froco restaurant, and of course, she’s saved money by hiring her parents to help her instead of a real staff. (They are, after all, the only people she can pay in insults and MTV T-shirts, so…)

#BossMode #KillinIt #BRBGottaGoYellAtMichael
#BossMode #KillinIt #BRBGottaGoYellAtMichael

As Deb is moving freezers and Michael is stacking plush Casablancapo toys, Farrah is in full boss lady mode. (By that I mean she’s wearing a blazer and sunglasses and taking creepy selfies of herself.)

Deb is working hard to move chairs (which is no easy feat, since she’s wearing sky-high corkboard platforms…as you do), and Michael is pushing in shelving units. Farrah (still wearing those weird sunglasses) is yelling to everyone that she is a manager.

"She's kidding about me wearing the costume, right? Right? Damn."
“She’s kidding about me wearing the costume, right? Right? Damn.”

Farrah has cooked up a real plush job for her father– literally. She insists that Michael will be the one to don the massive CocoPebboba costume and dance around on opening day. And of course he’s gonna do it because…well, he’s probably afraid that Farrah will lock him in a freezer if he refuses.

Speaking of the freezer, Deb tells Farrah that they are having some problems getting the freezer and fridge to the right temperatures. Bless Deb’s heart, she manages to have a serious conversation with Farrah, despite the fact that her daughter is still insisting on sporting the weird sunglasses (not to mention those fish lips). Deb’s a champ!

"She's in charge, Michael, clearly! I mean, she's wearing a BLAZER for goodness' sakes!"
“She’s in charge, Michael, clearly! I mean, she’s wearing a BLAZER for goodness’ sakes!”

Of course, this bit of criticism sends Farrah off into a tizzy. She storms back to look at the cooling units and screams at her parents for doing everything wrong. Deb and Michael are both blaming the other for the freezer temp fiasco, and this scene really shows just how frightened Deb and Mike are of their daughter. They both look like they’re afraid Farrah is going to beat them with a blender for doing wrong.

Farrah yells at Michael for staring at a door (or something) and finally he’s had enough. He walks away and tells Farrah to get off his ass. That may be the first time in ‘Teen Mom’ history Michael has ever even attempted to stand up to his daughter. He runs to go hide in a pile of PoopaDeBoba plush and pray that Farrah will show him mercy.

In Tennessee, Maci is helping Bentley make a sign to give to Taylor for Father’s Day. After it’s done, Bentley proudly (and adorably) presents it to Taylor, who is overjoyed. He makes a big fuss and Bentley looks so happy.

"'Kicked out' is such a harsh phrase. I prefer 'involuntarily relocated.'"
“‘Kicked out’ is such a harsh phrase. I prefer ‘involuntarily relocated.'”

Unfortunately, things aren’t so happy over at Ryan’s parents’ house. Jaala is talking to Jen and Larry about Ryan getting booted from their house. Jen is trying to pass the situation off as Ryan voluntarily moving out, but Jaala knows the truth and presses for more details.

Larry, however, isn’t holding back. He’s gotten himself all rolled up into a Snuggie and is ready to wage verbal war on his only son.

“Good riddance!” Larry says. “It was a long time coming! I’m over Ryan’s lies, I’m over his laziness, selfishness! I’m done with it.”

When your rolled up like a taquito in a blanket on the couch, and you're tired of taking everyone's crap...
When you’re rolled up like a taquito in a blanket on the couch, and you’re tired of taking everyone’s crap…

Although Jen’s trying her best to act like all is well in her family, Larry is not holding back his true feelings any longer.

“I’m done with him forever!” he says of Ryan. “I don’t want him anywhere around me, ever! And I never want to be around him, ever. I’m tired of that blood-sucking leech!”

With that, Jen bursts into tears and runs out of the room. (COME BACK! You need to tell us what the hell caused this! Don’t leave us hanging here!)

Larry isn’t done. He tells Jaala that he’s tired of Jen putting Ryan in front of him.

“He’s a f**king bum!” says Larry (who may or may not have been nipping at the, um, vanilla extract, before this scene was filmed). “I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire!”

Tell us how you really feel, Lar!

My face when Amber talks about marrying Matt...
My face when Amber talks about marrying Matt…

Meanwhile in Indiana, Leah is spending the day with Amber and Matt. Amber recently met with the “weight loss specialist,” who sent her home with an ample supply of a nutrition drink (which may or may not just be Kool-Aid made with Sweet ‘n’ Low instead of sugar). #HealthyChoices

Amber’s upset that she’s going to have to change her whole lifestyle in order to keep off the weight. In fact, she’s only allowed to eat one meal a day. The rest of the time, she’ll be guzzling the Kool-Aid (both physically and figuratively) to stay full. What the hell kind of specialist was this!?

"Mmm...tastes like incarceration!"
“Mmm…tastes like incarceration!”

That night, Amber is only allowed to have 3 ounces of meat and a chalky food bar. (This cuisine surely reminds Amb of her days in the clink! There, she and her ‘bunkies’ could trade food bar flavors while braiding each other’s Jolly Rancher-scented hair and talking about life ‘on the outside.’)

Unfortunately, the food bars on the outside aren’t all that tasty. Both Matt and Amber take a sample of one and both make faces like they just walked in on someone watching Farrah’s p0rno.

Amber reveals that she is a sleep-eater. She says that she would walk, zombie-like and grab something out of the fridge and it would disappear before anyone knew what happened. Oddly, the same thing happens to Matt and Amber’s credit cards!

Later, Matt is talking to some random guy about all the “tabloid stuff” surrounding him.

When you haven't knocked up a random girl for five years and you think you should get some type of award because of it...
When you haven’t knocked up a random girl for five years and you think you should get some type of award because of it…

“Sure, I’ve down a lot of stuff in my life,” he says. “Name me one thing that I’ve done in the last five years!”

My point exactly, bro.

He insists that he’s not committed any hi-jinks since he’s been sober. He does this, of course, while literally holding a beer. Even Matt has to chuckle over the irony of the situation. He changes the phrase to “clean” but…um, that’s still a stretch, considering the noticeable pit stains on Matt’s shirt.

"I'm just here for the free food...but hopefully it's soft food 'cause, chewings is hard sometimes..."
“I’m just here for the free food…but hopefully it’s soft food ’cause, chewings is hard sometimes…”

In Michigan, it’s Father’s Day and Cate has rolled out of bed to help Tyler celebrate with Nova. Ty quickly ditches the girls, though, so he can go have beers (and a long crap-talking session) with Cate’s cousin, Jordan, who looks like he just left a 1995 Phish concert. Jordan may be missing a few teeth, but he ain’t missing the chance to trash-talk Catelynn on national TV! He encourages Tyler to confront Catelynn about her lack of ambition and aftercare.

Even Tyler has no clue what in the Sam Hell is on his damn head...
Even Tyler has no clue what the hell is on his damn head…

Tyler decides to head to his trusty therapist to figure out what to do about his wife. With Catelynn safely tucked into the couch, Tyler heads to see the therapist, who is looking less-than-chipper about having to come in on what may have been her day off to talk about this ‘Teen Mom’ crap again. Tyler, sporting his finest wife-beater tee and some sort of roadkill on top of his head, explains that he’s frustrated that Cate isn’t doing her aftercare treatment.

The therapist assures Tyler that he is allowed to talk to Cate about her problems, as long as he doesn’t act like a total tool. Tyler thinks that Catelynn will be worried that he will leave her if she doesn’t get better.

Props to that interviewee for not taking one look at this and busting out laughing...
Props to that interviewee for not taking one look at this and busting out laughing…

Meanwhile in Texas, Farrah is looking to hire a few poor saps to work at her yogurt shop. (I mean, someone has to refill the sprinkles while Michael is locked in a freezer on “punishment.”) One girl comes in and Farrah immediately demands that she wear a pair of the ridiculous sunglasses. (How are these people supposed to see through the psychedelic lenses? Then again, being sight-less may work to their advantage, since they won’t have to resist the urge to laugh at their boss’ latest Botox disaster.)

The girl tells Farrah that she needs to give her current job a two-week notice before starting her Froco adventure. That’s a problem for Farrah, who is planning to open Froco within the next few days. Farrah then explains to the girl that she will be working 40 hours a week…in, like, three days. The girl just stares at Farrah and finally says, “OK…?”

RUN while you can, girl! Run like the wind!

Lurking Debra be like, "I'll just put these sunglasses on and no one will see me back here..."
Lurking Debra be like, “I’ll just put these sunglasses on and no one will see me back here…”

(All this time, Debra is just creepily lurking behind the counter, sunglasses in place, watching this pathetic interview go down.)

More interviewees come in and Farrah will not take off the damn sunglasses. (Maybe she’s trying to hide some weird eye-widening procedure she recently had or something? Hell, she should have just taken whatever “vitamins” Ryan took…his eyes are plenty damn wide!)

If Farrah is attempting to ask every illegal interview question she possibly can…she’s succeeding!

"Like...I'm 16 and even I know those questions are illegal to ask, you nitwit."
“Like…I’m 16 and even I know it’s illegal to ask me those questions, you nitwit.”

Farrah asks a girl where she lives, who she lives with, how old she is and if she has children. Once she successfully creeped that interviewee out, Farrah moves on to the next girl, who used to work at the yogurt shop before Farrah bought it. The girl tells Farrah that it usually took them about an hour to set up things before opening. Of course, in Farrah speak, a hour is equal to five minutes.

She would know, guys, because she is THE MANAGER!

Farrah hires the girl, and tells her that she’s “going to have a blast working here.”

Speaking of “blast,” isn’t it time to let Michael out of the blast chiller?

"You guys do know that there's a special place in hell for people who eat Steak & Shake in front of their dieting family members, right?"
“You guys do know that there’s a special place in hell for people who eat Steak & Shake in front of their dieting family members, right?”

In Indiana, Matt, Leah and Amber are heading to the good ol’ Steak & Shake. Unfortunately, Amber will not be shaking or steaking, because she has to eat her grilled chicken and chalk bar. Although Amber’s eating healthy, that doesn’t mean that the rest of the family is.

“Can I get a macaroni with a side of macaroni?” Leah asks.

Amber quickly shuts down her daughter’s unhealthy request.

“Why don’t you get a hot dog and macaroni?” Amber suggests.

Muuuuuch better.

Well...yeah...pretty much...
Well…yeah…pretty much…

Matt insists that he’s getting a milkshake, which just seems cruel. It’s almost as if he’s purposely rubbing it in Amber’s face that she has to go hungry. They pull up to the drive-thru and Amber is trying to consume all of the French-fried scents that she can before she has to go home and gnaw on some unseasoned chicken. She seriously looks like she’s about to cry.

Matt and Leah bring their food bounty home, and Matt slops down all of his fried goodness right in front of Amber.

“I feel like an awful person right now,” Matt says as he gargles French fries.

"It's not fair! Maci pops out a kid twice a year and drinks a keg of beer a day and she's skinny and doesn't have to eat this crap!"
“It’s not fair! Maci pops out a kid twice a year and drinks a keg of beer a day and she’s skinny and doesn’t have to eat this crap!”

Amber then prepares her own meal, which Leah informs her “looks disgusting.”

Amber later explains to the producer that she’s switched from an addiction to pills to an addiction to food. She says that she mainly eats because she’s bored.

Catelynn is bored too.

“There’s nothing to do,” Cate complains.

"If only there was a place i could go everyday and do something meaningful...for money! What a concept!"
“If only there was a place Icould go everyday and do something meaningful…for money!”

Well…it’s hard for Cate and Ambie. I mean, how much can one possibly do from the couch? If only there was a way they could go out and get a job, or go to school, or exercise? Oh wait…

Tyler tells Catelynn that he’s tired of her acting like this, and he gets a little snappy with her. He kind of threatens that she may lose him if she doesn’t snap out of her misery.

In Tennessee, Taylor is surprised that Ryan has yet to call to see if he can hang out with Bentley for Father’s Day.

“He probably doesn’t even know it’s Father’s Day,” Maci says.

Hell, I’d be surprised if Ryan even knows he’s a father at this point!

Jen asks Maci if she can take Bentley to Ryan’s so that she can demand he at least pretend to be a dad for a few minutes. Maci allows it, but fears that it will make Bentley uncomfortable.

Um...why is Ryan Edwards holding hands with an ice cream cone?
Um…why is Ryan Edwards holding hands with an ice cream cone?

In Texas, it’s opening day for Froco. Sophia is wearing the “Swirl” ice cream costume, while poor Michael is stuck being CocoPogoBogo. They walk down the street with Farrah and everyone, including Deb and the new hires, start dancing awkwardly for the cars going by.

AS.YOU.DO.

Later, Farrah, Deb and Sophia head to dinner to celebrate Farrah’s first business endeavor that doesn’t involve her butt. (Poor Michael is probably still out there in the dumb costume, waving and/or being rolled down the street by local street youths.) To make sure everyone knows that she has a lot of money, Farrah orders Sophia three dinners off the kid’s meal. (That’s more food than Amber’s allowed to eat in like three weeks!)

"Sophia don't touch the waitress...you may catch 'poor!'"
“Sophia don’t touch the waitress…you may catch ‘poor!'”

The waitress delivers all three meals to Sophia, while Farrah and Deb both make strange baby noises at her and talk about all the “numers” that Sophia has to eat.

The real star of this scene is the waitress. Ever the professional, she acts like this behavior is totally normal, and doesn’t flinch at Farrah’s ridiculous display of riches. (She is quite the pro– she probably works 40 hours in, like, three days and can set up the whole restaurant in four minutes!)

Instead of eating her three meals, though, Sophia picks up two pickles and puts them over her eyes.

“Spa baby!” Farrah squeals.

I guess this is better than when she was drinking wine...
I guess this is better than when she was drinking wine…

Again, everyone around them acts like it’s totally normal for a kid to put the Kosher dills over her eyes while the two grown women she’s with speak to her in weird baby-talk code.

Debra is laying it on really thick. She keeps telling Farrah how great she is, and how proud she is of the businesswoman she’s become. Don’t get me wrong– it’s nice to hear these two do something other than baby talk Sophia or scream at each other but it’s just…weird.

Speaking of weird, during all this talk Sophia is casually drinking her ketchup. Naturally.

"Who is this blond lady and small person and why are they in my house, giving me these vinyl circle?! It's a conspiracy, I tell ya!"
“Who is this blond lady and small person and why are they in my house?! It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya!”

We head back to Tennessee one last time to see how Father’s Day turns out for the gang. Jen brings Bentley over to see Ryan after Bentley’s game (which Ryan missed, of course). Little does Jen know that it’s basically Spring Break 2005 at her rental house. Ryan is sitting on the couch, wearing a tie dyed shirt, drinking out of a sad-looking red cup. He’s once again got that deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes.

Seriously, the eyes. THE EYES! Ryan is just sitting there, looking like Kermit the Frog, because his eyes are so big that they’re basically on top of his head. His eyes just keep getting bigger and bigger. Jen hands over the present she bought her son for Father’s Day. (Hopefully it’s some Visine.)

They're coming for you...
They’re coming for you…

“Some records!” he exclaims as the whites of his eyes push up into his eyebrows. (Not gonna lie; I rewound this about 15 times and had quite a chuckle watching Ryan bug his eyes out as he said this.)

Seriously, Zombie Ryan is funny to watch, but he’s also damn scary. Clearly, MTV included this scene on purpose. They’ve done this in the past as a way to address an alleged “problem” without actually talking about it. (Who could forget Leah Messer‘s slurred-word-filled, baby-holding catnap from a few seasons ago?)

"You guys are gettin' this, right?"
“You guys are gettin’ this, right?”

Both Jen and Bentley are trying their best not to look Ryan in the eye (although it’s probably hard because, well, Ryan’s eyes are everywhere.) Bentley looks totally scared of his dad, but keeps looking at the camera like, “Can you guys believe this!?”

In an effort to make small talk, Ryan asks his son how his baseball game went. Bentley utters a response and Ryan decides to make fun of Bentley’s haircut. He jokes that Bentley looks like he has a mullet. Jen says that it looks that way because Bentley’s hair is growing (much like Ryan’s eyeballs). Later we find out that Bentley cried when he found out he had to go see Ryan that day.

#NEVERFORGET
#NEVERFORGET

This show has turned into one giant, super-sized episode of Intervention over the last few episodes. It’s like they’re purposely trying to demonstrate the effects various addictions and afflictions have on someone, using the cast of ‘Teen Mom OG!’

This is your brain on pot…

This is your brain when you’re drunk on power…

This is your brain on an overload of steaks and shakes…

This is your brain on…whatever the hell Ryan is/has been on for the last few years…

Shockingly, MTV did not end this episode with the special “If you or someone you know needs help…” message that is usually shown when one of these people beats someone up and/or talks about needing rehab. Maybe next week!

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)

138 Comments

  1. The besf line ever goes to The Ashley with this winner…..
    His eyes are legit the size of Farrah’s backdoor after she went two hours with James Deen.
    Laughed so hard i cried.


  2. Ryan’s eyes ? Wtf?! Poor Bentley, he’s a sweet kid and to see your dad acting that way must be horrible for him. #neverforget had me laughing though ?

    Also, Tyler I got news for you…you don’t want a heifer of a wife but you’re catching up for prize pig…his hair looks like a discarded hand puppet.


  3. Get Ryan into rehab instead of completely destroying any chance of him getting help.
    His Mother loves Him…but She’s living Him to DEATH!!


  4. Holy Moly, Amber is actually the most sober person.
    Ryan has switched stoned for high.
    Maci and Taylor are Bud chucking buddies.
    Cate and Ty are stoned every free moment they have.
    Farrah is still high on the same eye poppin drug she has used for years now.
    Matt is drinking but Amber… long live the weight loss crap reseller, I mean specialist, he or she got Ambie of the wine.


  5. These people change houses as often as they change their underwear. I hope they are saving their money because the gravy train isn’t going to go on forever and some day they will have to work to pay for their living expenses.


  6. I normally don’t comment, but I wanted to point out that whatever Ryan is on is definitely uppers. I had my fair share of drugs when I was a teenager and was around people who did drugs in that part of my life. I also watch the show Intervention. From my personal experience, cocaine could cause the bug eyes that Ryan had, but it usually doesn’t go that far unless someone used coke in the crack form and still, a person’s eyes are not usually that bugged out. Myself and others that used coke only got a bit chatty and maybe more active around the house, but otherwise people wouldn’t even know if they came across a cocaine user, albeit my use of it was limited to every once in awhile and only social. Heroin is something I never done, but from watching Intervention and meeting a few people who either done it or abused opioid pills heavily makes me think this is not what Ryan is on at all. Every person I have seen abuse opioids can barely hold their eyes open or if they can then they looks fairly normal. Pot also causes a person’s eyes to shut more or go all chinese looking. If I were to guess based on personal experience and watching others, I would say Ryan is on meth/ice. Meth will definitely make a person get all bug eyed and look nuts even when coming down from it, but so can doing molly/ecstasy. This would explain also why Ryan seems so tired a lot. Meth causes people to stay up for days and once it wears off, a person basically crashes and burns. Some people will even smoke pot or take downers to counter these effects. He may not look like the typical meth user cause maybe it’s something he started doing not so long ago. He possibly may have had problems staying tired and he decided to start using uppers to counter him being so tired. He may possibly be narcoleptic and people who have narcolepsy are often prescribed amphetamines and even methamphetamines in pill form (I was, but declined to take it-it’s called Desoxyn)If Ryan got prescribed these meds, it is possible he started abusing them cause he liked how it made him feel. Of course all this is pure speculation, but I’d lay money down that he is abusing uppers of some sort whether he is prescribed them or he is doing it the illegal way. I definitely have seen my fair share of crazy eyes from those that do. Myself personally, I didn’t get bug eyes and tried to act normal as possible when I used to do these things and be aware of how I was acting and looking. Someone mentioned above that they doubted he is using speed cause he isn’t being active, but I was this way when I took uppers as well. I would stay on the couch and not do much of anything for a few reasons. One was of course I was trying to hide what I did so I wanted to look normal and the second thing is, for some strange reason taking speed made me feel jacked up on the inside, but I felt like I was glued to the couch or the bed and felt spaced out at the same time. It was indeed a weird feeling. Someone else posted he has the look of a person who huffs cans of air. That is one thing I don’t know much about other than what I saw on intervention and yes that is quite possible, but watching him over the years and now more recently, I’d bet money that he is taking meth or abusing prescriptions which contain amphetamines/methamphetamines. Him not wanting to be around Bentley much and missing his games and such could be him not wanting anyone to see the side effects of what the drugs are doing to him and him feeling very irritated by small things. When I did speed, I never wanted to leave the house or engage in social activity with anyone who I didn’t want to know or see me acting weird. It’s a paranoia type of thing. I also did not even want to see the sun or bright lights when on speed. Not everyone acts that way when on speed, but some do including me when I was on the stuff. I just wanted to post my experience and perspective on this to maybe shed some light on what Ryan may possibly be on and for the record I haven’t done drugs in 10 years now, but I can definitely see the warning signs cause of my experience.


  7. Ok does anyone else think that Tyler and Catelynn’s therapist resembles and sounds like Meri from Sister Wives? My daughter and I always joke that they are sisters.

    Also why can’t she do something to her hair?!?!? Flat iron girl!!! Please!!!


  8. Well since last night’s episode was a hot mess and I know the recap won’t be posted until next week, I’ll go ahead and say my piece now:

    Farrah- A piece of trash per usual. What in the hell is wrong with her? *eye roll* Whatever. I’m convinced Simon is high when he’s around her.

    Cate- Okay, I may sound insensitive, but here it goes: Get up and get over it girl! If Tyler decided to leave her, I wouldn’t blame him. I’m speaking as an MSW social worker, from what I see and hear, she’s got the classic symptoms of a hypochondriac with only mild anxiety. It’s like she’s wanting to be diagnosed with a major mental illness when in reality, the only thing wrong with her is that she’s bored and lacks ambition to the tenth power. I see patients day in and day out and boredom is actually more serious than it seems. Cate has absolutely nothing going for herself and seems flat out lazy.

    Now let me speak as someone who actually has a confirmed diagnosis of severe anxiety and PTSD: A few years back I was pregnant with twins, one of them ended up being stillborn and it was a tough time for me. I also had an abusive childhood, one worse than I’d like to go into detail about, but I get my butt up, manage to be a good mother and wife, and productive human. I don’t sit around stewing in self pity. It’s hard for me to have sympathy for Cate, especially since she even said how she “pretended to cry” to try and get into her appointment.

    Amber- You know, I really felt bad for her in last night’s episode. Gary and Christina are so passive and rude in such a “polite” way, it’s gross. Did you see how they looked at her when she said she’d spent $900 for Leah’s school clothes? I get it, that’s a lot of money, but she spent it on her kid and rightfully so. Christina gave her the snobbiest look and it got on my nerves. Then her and Gary turned around and didn’t even let her wear what Amber got her for the first day of school, instead Christina put her in her “clearance clothes” and was so stuck up about it. “Well I got these shorts for her. They were on clearance.” (Her tone was super smart assed though. As to say she’s smarter than Amber or something). Let’s not forget how you abandoned your family Christina: left your daughter and husband to be with fat ass “Indiana famous” Gary. Where is your daughter Christina? Why did you sign over your rights to her and move on as if Emily is your first and only?

    Maci- I’m bored with her now.


    1. I think Amber went and bought all that crap for Leah because she’s constantly in competition with Gary in her head. Gary has sole custody plus stability for Leah with his family with Kristina. Amber has Matt lol….Amber wants Leah to love her house more than Gary’s house, so she bought that big ole house, plus she does irresponsible things like spends $900 on some friggin tutus and Easter Sunday dresses. If Leah wore that crap to school she would never hear the end of it. She would forever be the girl that wore church dresses to school, and a tutu when it wasn’t even Halloween. Gary saved her from a ton of embarrassment having her wear shorts and a tee on the first day. I get that Amber lost a few years with Leah going to prison, but that’s the path she chose. She’s the one that begged the judge to send her to prison….now she needs to live with the decision, and she needs to stop competing with Gary.


      1. Yep spot on. Amber sees Leah as a doll she can dress up, play with and then give back to her Dad for the real parenting. If she wants to make up for missed time with Leah, get up off the couch and volunteer in her class, meet Leah’s friends and their parents, do homework with her. And for the love of all that is holy, spend some quality time with Leah one on one without Matt the perv!! And seriously, the dress had sequins?? Poor child is a 2nd grader, not a bridesmaid in my big fat gypsy wedding!


    2. Kristina didn’t abandon her daughter. She agreed to 50/50 custody and to keep their daughter off the show. If you’re going to judge someone at least give them the respect of getting the facts correct.


    3. I haven’t see the episode, but Amber and Matt somehow think they are quite the power couple as well as Indiana’s or wherever they squat, new movers and shakers. Remember how Amber and Matt gushed about the new home and “safe” location in the company of their neighbors. What a pair a-holes. I felt sorry for them, they probably felt like chopped liver having to listen to those two dopes ramble on … MTV must have thrown them cash to endure blatant disrespect from Amber and Matt.

      Amber can’t fathom how grand her new home is now … all the green stuff out side their windows and the lawyers and CEOs that live around them. It is easy to forget Matt is 50, freaking 50! having to attach to Amber to have a pot to piss in.

      I think its great, and great TV to have Gary and wife shot those digs in … Amber and Matt need daily reminders of who they really are.


    4. She spent $900 on one dress, not “school clothes” as in several outfits… One dress. Absolutely ridiculous. She’s 7.


  9. Excellent Roundup as usual. Best line ever: “His eyes are legit the size of Farrah’s backdoor after she went two hours with James Deen.”


  10. Am I the only one that noticed that Matt’s shirt in the kitchen scene has what looks like one of those weird “leather pockets” that Maci and Taylor’s t-shirt line is known for??? Seriously??? Farrah’s hiring clip is pretty much a “how not to interview” special for training purposes…what a mess!!!


  11. Heroin or opiates is more of a Leah looking eyes. How Ryan is its some sort of upper. Or maybe all this time he was a huge stoner and that’s why he was so chill and mellow and now he is off the grass and he is just naturally bug eyed. That’s why Ape and Butch were so energetic and easily agitated.
    Maci seriously you are going to wash a new born baby right next to a nasty brio pad that you wash your dishes with hello germs!!! That must of been after she ran her daily keg.
    Ambuler nothing new trying to convince everyone she is all perfect and she over came being trash. YES we know you are clean and sober just cause you keep saying it over and over doesn’t make it true.
    Cate and Tyler ugh such a disappointment. First of all is it me or is Tyler starting to look and dress more like Butch? The wife beater and the WTF hair cut where he looks like he had just rolled out of bed. Cate do you want some cheese with that whine? All it is poor me, poor me you are not depressed you are just lazy. Get over it a lot of people have kids and place them for adoption and then have another and/or suffer from PPD and don’t have the luxury to live in a nice house and make more money then a lot of people do that are twice your age with an education. Your only problem is you have the luxury to handle all of that without a job. SNAP out of it.
    Farrah as much as I hate her at least she is working. Very unconventional but it is still work. Plus too she doesn’t have a whole litter of kids like the rest of them (except Amber). But she is a terrible human being and I just want to see her loose all of her money, loose Sophia, and end up having to turn tricks and not in the Classy way she is doing it now.


    1. I didnt believe Junkelle either. But I believe they both might be on Meth because his eyes are bugging out and in a lot of her pics her eyes a huge and she acts like she’s on it and alot of his behavior is like he’s hopped up on it or coming down the cat killing thing made me think it even more.


  12. “She opens the door and sees Ryan sitting there, looking like a bigger, dirtier version of Farrah’s CoppadeBopa dolls. His eyes are legit the size of Farrah’s backdoor after she went two hours with James Deen. Also, it looks like he hasn’t blinked since Bush was in office.”

    Hahahaha! Best paragraph EVER!


  13. OMG. The fact that you referenced that Family Ties episode is HILARIOUS. I’m 45 and sometimes wonder how old everyone else is who’s reading these recaps and watching these shows. I now can imagine that I’m not alone in my age group here.


    1. We have the same spelling of our name. That’s the right way to do it!!! Sorry I get excited when people have the same name as me and spells it with a K.


  14. Anyone else think that POS Adam is on meth, molly or some other stimulant? I mean come on there’s no denying that he totally looks bugged out.


  15. I watch the episodes during my kids’ quiet time and I tend to be a bit distracted while they’re on. I totally missed the video on the shelf and Deb in the background!
    Farrah’s a piece of work! I have to give it to her though. She knows how to hustle! In my world 40hrs in 3 days is pretty standard. But if she’s going to be in the real world market then she needs to learn what the real world looks like. Most people don’t work that much.
    Also, if she’s going to be conducting interviews … perhaps she needs to learn the dos and don’t’s….
    I think Farrah’s biggest downfall is that she cannot accept the fact that she doesn’t know EVERYTHING and perhaps she could learn something from the “Minions”.

    All I could think when Tyler kept saying that he wasn’t allowed to talk about why she isn’t doing therapy at all, was “are you sure that’s actually what they told you?”
    He seems like the type that would blow it all out of proportion and get all unreasonable and dramatic about it.


  16. Amber was so sour and miserable towards Leah in that lunch scene. That’s not Leah’s fault you decided to eat like shit. Stop keeping a leeching using liar in your life and you won’t have to stress eat, because that’s exactly where this is coming from probably. As far as this weeks episode, I commended Taylor for shutting Maci down when she tried to bitch and make a whole drama scene regarding Ryan asking to take Bentley for a few days. Taylor said immediately “If he wants him, then he should go”. Yea Ryan is a turd but if he asks to see his son, let him see him. It’s not always gonna be on your terms and your way. Yea I know it may bother you that he is in and out but who is hurting in the end if you don’t let Bentley go? Bentley is. I couldn’t believe that Amber spent all that money in that shop. $900 for clothes that she could have gotten at the Gap or Target for $100. Stupid. This is why she’ll be broke in 2 years. $900 could have bought Leah clothes for at least 2 years or more. That’s crazy.


    1. oh Amber’s shopping spree last night irritated the hell outta me. She bought Leah all of those ridiculous “clothes” that looked like a bunch of costumes, and expected her to wear that crap on her first day of school. I could not believe how frivolous Amber was with her money. $900 bucks on some clothes Leah won’t even be able to wear in 6 months. I get its her money and she can spend it how she wants, but that was absolutely ridiculous.


      1. Right. It looked like that hoity toity shit those celebs put their kids in. I was thinking the same thing. Leah won’t even be in those clothes in a year. For $900 that could have paid for Leah’s whole wardrobe including outerwear for at least 2 years, maybe more. My son will be 10 tomorrow and I just got him new fall clothes because he out grew everything from last year. I paid $25 for a pair of jeans from the Gap for him, got him 2 pair from that particular store but thought $25 was steep for kids jeans. You are so right, that’s exactly what the clothes looked like, dance costumes. A sucker is born every minute.


    2. If Bentley (who seems as even-tempered as any 7-year-old) is crying at the prospect of having to VISIT Ryan, that is a red flag that they need to figure out before he actually spends the night again.


  17. -Larry was absolutely valid in everything that he said. It might have been harsh, but that’s what he felt at the time….they’ve been enabling Ryan all of his life and the least they deserve is respect from him…..and Ryan’s eyes were TRIPPING ME OUT. He looked possessed by some sort of entity. It was SO WEIRD.

    -I really feel for Catelynn, and Tyler needs to have more patience. I agree she does need to get up and do something, but Tyler is the wrong person to say that to her because he wont even get up himself and do something.

    -Farrah….this idiot was dead seriously when she said 40 hours can be done in 3 days. Somebody needs to tell her that this is planet earth, not planet Farrah and there are labor laws here…and I can’t believe the one chick she hired was fan girling as bad as she was…does she not watch the same show? Farrah would be a NIGHTMARE to work for. That’s like signing a deal with the devil… Farrah is such a rotten person. and somebody needs to tell her to chill out with her LIPS. They look like they hurt they’re so blown up


    1. Did you see the preview for next wk’s episode?! Farrah’s new hire was angrily quitting in the midst of a heated tiff w/ FroCo Farrah!!! Hahahaha, it was hilarious & utterly predictable! Cracked me up…bet the turnover rate there will be staggering!


      1. yes! I can’t wait! That girl wasn’t having any of it, and kudos to her…Farrah kind of sat there looking flabbergasted that this girl was snapping back at her. If you notice, whenever Farrah goes on ANY reality show, she’ll butt heads with people at first, but then the producers will turn around and start kissing her ass because they don’t want her to quit the show. The way that Michael, Deb, Heather and Larry kiss Farrah’s backdoor and constantly tell her how wonderful she is, when she’s consistently disrespectful to all of them is nauseating. Farrah has a TON of “YES” people around her, and it’s because she’s so vicious with her words that nobody wants to be on the receiving end. The girl is chemically imbalanced.


  18. ‘His eyes are legit the size of Farrah’s backdoor after she went two hours with James Deen.’-one of your best lines ever! omg, best recap and captions ever, thanks ashley!


  19. Omfg your caption under Ryan’s pictures made me laugh so hard that I almost cried. Then when I came to the ending picture of the close up of his eyes, with #NEVERFORGET I laughed so much I almost woke my husband from shaking the bed. I literally had to cover the image with my hand to stop myself from laughing. His eyes were following me like those creepy pictures.


  20. Who in their right mind would work for Farrah? I wouldn’t take a job with her as my boss even if I lived on the street. Can you imagine how much of a nightmare that would be??
    Bentley should not be around Ryan if he’s that high. Seriously what was the point of bringing him there?


    1. I know right?! I felt awful for Bentley in that situation, esp when Maci revealed this wk that Bentley cried when he found out he had to go see Rhine for Father’s Day. Plus, it pissed me off that Rhine couldn’t take his big eyes & watch Bentley’s championship game! Then Jen drags him over there where he can barely muster the same question about the game twice & disses Bentley’s hair. Bentley looked very sad when Rhine’s eyes were at their buggiest & you just know he knows something’s up & his “dad” isn’t right for some reason. Bentley’s such a good, loving kid & he’s an amazing baseball player & big bro to his siblings!


  21. Was…Moochy Moo giving Taylor some more air time advertisement?
    Also Tyler looks like Evan Peters if Evan Peters neck tried to consume him. Seriously they have the same facial features.


    1. Oh snap, that chick who was huffing in the cemetery always screaming she wanted to die!!! That was such a shocking episode, she was like a prodigy & played some instrument, had an impressive background/education. I was so glad to see she got the help & turned her life around. Anywho – that’s such a good point! Now that you mention it, he does have very similar appearce & that odd, bizarre-O affect!


  22. It’s funny how eating fast food in front of a person that is on a strict diet makes Matt feel like an “awful person.” He must have really felt like the scum of the earth when he abandoned his 25,000 kids.


  23. Obviously Catelyn is seriously lacking ambition, motivation, and doing anything productive with her life at this point. But, what exactly is Tyler doing? He seems to be in the same boat as Cate, except that he’s not depressed like she is.


    1. It’s hard to be depressed when you’re always high..ad said high makes you chipper like a chipmunk..and more arrogant than Farrah.
      I would never knock pot, it definitely has its place, but Tyler’s system, is not its place.
      He may bitch and moan about Cate, who DOES have issues, and clearly still needs help dealing with her depression. But he is even worse than she is. At least she has a reason to need help, although she may not be doing anything good for herself right now.
      What’s his excuse for being a POS husband, a terrible life partner, and a lazy SOB?

      Used to love them too, thought they were good people. I still think Cate has the ability to get back to that, once she deals with her issues. Tyler may be a lost cause though.


  24. OK – I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but hear me out.

    So, Matt is clearly a deadbeat dad, a kinda smarmy looking guy (but not the worst looking guy on the show – I’m looking at you Taylor McAwfulBeard), and is more than likely riding the Ambie train to his thousands of MTV-dollars.

    BUT, I think that maybe he really does like Amber and Leah – I honestly do not believe that he is smart enough or clever enough to keep a ruse up this long. I realize that it is all in editing and I’m sure he turns it on more when the cameras are rolling…but if it was simply just to get fame and “fortune”, the cameras would have captured something. I mean, we all spotted it right off with the Barbara online-dating show. And Amber does seem a helluva lot more stable in her life now than she was before she got herself a sugar baby. So maybe he isn’t that bad (don’t get me wrong – he’s not that good, but maybe he isn’t all bad).

    I gotta say – I thought it was nice that he said that the chalk bars tasted good right off the bat. I actually believed him. Of course, I was watching the episode as I was falling asleep, so my judgment may have been off.


    1. Huh, I think Taylor is the most attractive on the show. But I never minded the beard look, and he just seems like a laidback and nice guy. Ryan is generally the go-to hot guy but he looks bloated from whatever he’s taking, the same with Tyler. His looks like angry and petulant this season. Matt is just…no. Taylor has a usual happy/benevolent demeanor.


      1. In terms of looks Id say

        Ryan
        Taylor
        Tyler
        Matt
        Gary

        I may be showing my age (30) but Ryan has a Matt Dillon look to him, especially the eyes and I even dig the grey hair. Taylor’s a good looking dude too, and Tyler is cute. Gary would look better if he loss 200 lbs, and Matt looks like he was probably okay looking 20 year ago. Amber won’t have to worry about custody if Gary keeps it up with the lack of exercise and eating right.


        1. I agree with that order…Although Ryan’s been letting himself go lately. He used to be so hot, but after seeing him at the water park in this new episode I’m kinda like meh…but I hate Matt so much and Gary reminds me of jabba the hutt, the thought of them grosses me out.


      2. I just can’t get past that beard…to me it doesn’t even look well groomed and I’ll bet they hide their spare beer bottle opener in there, or maybe a snack for later. It isn’t like he’s Quasimodo-looking, but that beard puts him under Matt for me.

        And I think it goes without saying that Gary is so far in last place in the “Hottest Teen Mom Man” race, the other ones have lapped him twice. But to say it just seems like you are kicking a guy when he’s already down.


      3. I’m 41 and married, but there is no way I’m letting this go by without commenting, lol. Ryan was good-looking once upon a time, but he has let himself go. And what was he wearing this last episode when tie-dye apparently threw up all over him? I dig the graying hair, but the man needs to clean up and *grow up* to be attractive.

        I wondered what planet Maci was on when I first saw Taylor (I’m not against trimmed beards, but that’s not what Taylor has), but as a person, Taylor has grown on me a lot. He’s so chill. Maci had sense choosing that one.

        Matt would never have been attractive to me, whether he was ages 18, 28, or 48. Amber completely settled. He doesn’t even have any redeeming qualities that I can see. I mean, WHAT the WHAT is Amber thinking?

        Tyler I don’t find attractive, but to each their own. He has nice eyes, maybe. I’m really beginning to find him abusive.


  25. I’m no doctor. But I can see catlins problem is repressed emotions about giving Carlie up for adoption. She hasn’t ever forgave herself and feels guilty because she has another daughter who reminds her of her choice daily. She needs everyone to let her know she did the right thing still today to heal. She’ll never get over it without help.


    1. I totally agree with you Brenda! I said your exact same comment on another TM blog once and was down voted or whatever many times because almost every commenter disagreed with that observation. But we can all clearly see how she struggles inside with having given up Carly and now has a daughter who is biologically Carly’s sister but she knows will never truly be her “sister” because her open adoption fantasy hasn’t worked out at all the way she assumed. I feel sorry for her I can’t imagine the pain of knowing the best thing was to give your baby up to someone else and then a year or two later have so much money from your TV show she probably feels she could have made a difference choice. But she definantely needs a real psychiatric evaluation. She needs a stable job or career and really her and Tyler are a bad match. Just my opinion.


  26. I do think that Maci’s drinking in front of the cameras was been set up by the producers to “hide” the pregnancy story until they were ready to show it. They must think we’re all as gullible as the OGs.

    Amber is a lost cause because she needs to prove something by staying with that Breeding, non-addict, predator. Gary isn’t my favorite person, but does look out for Leah. Hopefully he doesn’t have a coronary before she reaches middle school.

    Cait needs actual help, and a divorce lawyer. Tyler needs to cut the cord and man up if he truly wants to have a marriage, beard or not.

    Farrah is the trainwreck we love to hate, Deb is her trusty sidekick, and Sophia is going to need more therapy than Cait and Amber combined. By a real therapist, not “Doctor” Jenn.


      1. I feel like if the money didn’t make them complacent, Tyler would be successfully doing something right now. I feel he has a lot of potential. He is also resilient and strong it seems. He’d be okay if he had to leave and take Nova with him because I think things are heading that way. Cate is weak and would fall a part without him in her life. I don’t blame him for being fed up with her. He is essentially a single dad if you think about it. He takes care of Nova all day while Cate lays wrap up like a borrito all day in her zebra hoodie. You could tell he was checked out last night regarding the snooze button sitch. He was right. You waited all this time for an appointment and then you hit snooze when you gotta get up. What are you tired from when you don’t do anything but sleep all day anyway? Obviously the appointment wasn’t a priority, and then she wants to talk about “life would be better without me, Im such a fuck up” boo fucking hoo! Tyler just didn’t care anymore at that point and you could tell. He gets a bad wrap but look what he’s dealing with. Yea he doesn’t work or go to school either but he’s doing more than her by taking care of Nova all day everyday and working on that house while his wife watches Netflix in bed all day. That whole “pool panic attack scene” was edited so weird lol. All I saw was a bunch of random shots of kids laughing and playing and Cate scurrying off and jumping into her car leaving while weird guitar music played in the background


        1. I think she also feels guilt about that poor piglet she just had to have. She abandoned that poor creature too & it may seem silly, but I feel so sorry for that pig!!! She almost gets it hit by a car, abandons said pig to go to rehab, left piggy alone around barking dogs all night the first night, dumped said piggy on April. Pigs are social animals & need loving companionship. I get upset when I see that pig now. Another thing – see how Chelsea on TM2 raised Pete, drastically different situation & Petey’s happily thriving in a loving home. End rant! I’m a YUUUGE animal lover/advocate!


    1. YOUR NAME! I love it! Let me guess, your full name is Neckhairs-up Backdoor-closed Tearless Whisper Cry? At least that’s my physical reaction to that whisper cry 😛


  27. The snark on this recap tho

    Isn’t it obvious why Farrah is wearing the glasses? So no one recognizes her until it’s too late. That’s the only way that hag can even HOPE to stay in business longer than one day. What an absolute joke and waste of a human.

    #BRBGottaGoYellAtMichael

    Amber. You’re gross and awful. Stop. Everything. Eating. Dating. Filming. Stop.

    “She knows that dozens of people count her as a role model”

    And Cate and Tyler. These lazy pieces of Michigan trailer trash. Couldn’t learn the lesson the first time with Carly. Nope. “We’ve grown enough to plan a baby.” YOUR HUSBAND DIDNT WANT TO MARRY YOU. He CONSTANTLY degrades her and bitches at her for being fat. Oh how grown up they are now to make such a big decision of having ANOTHER baby when they can’t even control their eating habits, ganja habits, and solely have income due to giving up their first born and milking it for years after the fact. Didn’t they go to college? What the fuck! Get a job TYLER! Life isn’t all bad hair an Batman tattoos!! Catelynn had good intentions and is in love, but her problem is she tried to grow up but Tyler is forever 15 years old mentally thanks to MTV. Single mom life very very soon. It’s imminent. He’s a MAN CHILD.


      1. Weed isn’t strong enough for those eyes (not even if you do a cake and start tripping badly) and as Leah has shown, downer pills only make you so tired you can’t hold them peepers open. (Disclaimer: the things I state here are not conclusive but mainly my observation of other people doing drugs. Ask your one junkie friend/burn-out cousin for more nuanced and detailed information).


        1. Whaaat, some of my message is missing! I was saying I agree with the heroin guess and why. And I asked if you made this guess by studying Butch and April? They collectively have a shared knowledge and experience of drug use that would definitely be a great syllabus for the course ‘Guess the drug’.


      2. It’s not heroin. Heroin doesn’t make your eyes do that, you can barely open your eyes on heroin. You can’t function in any way whatsoever. It’s either coke and booze, or pills and booze and I bet it’s the latter.


        1. Coke def gives you the Kermit eyes, but coke is an upper, right? I’ve seen people do MDMA and they actually moved and talked, Ryan is almost like a statue. You take it when you want to keep on going all night long, Ryan looked like he couldn’t keep on going for another minute… Also, I didn’t see him grinding his teeth, so I really don’t think it’s that. But I agree, heroin is more glazed eyed instead of bugged. But maybe if you mix coke with something like booze the teeth grinding stuff makes way for other symptoms? I don’t know, the people I’ve seen doing drugs are hippies, so they were happy with just MDMA, shrooms and weed.


        2. I have a recently “ex” heroin junkie friend who watches the show as much as I do and she says heroin. I think Ryan only lets them film him when he’s “off” or coming off drugs. That’s why he’s MIA so much


        3. Actually, in low doses(though not common) it CAN cause your eyes to look bugged out, with small(er) pupils. Sadly, it’s not something many look for. They assume heroin always equals small squinty eyes. That’s not actually the case, ESPECIALLY when someone is doing everything in their power(again, only really possible on lower doses) to force their eyes NOT to do that.
          Remember all the commentary about his eyes never being open?
          Yeah…he’s forcing it. And he’s forcing it, because he’s high a phuck.


    1. Id say pills. I heard Maci say some years ago that she thought Ryan was on drugs. It may have been during the last season of TM before OG. Hell, they know more than we do unless there is someone on this page that knows him. He’s a mystery. We don’t know why he doesn’t work, why he still lived at home, why he isn’t actively taking care of his son more, why his relationships fail, why he’s always sleepy and hungry (may be a side effect of something he’s taking legally or illegally) or why his voice is always slurred and mumbling.


  28. I seriously laughed my butt off throughout the entire recap, a few times I straight up choked on my spit and snorted. Loved the different names for that creepy ball thing and every single sassy comment in this entire article was truly appreciated. THANK YOU for writing these so I don’t have to sit through the show.


  29. I honestly feel so bad for Catelynn. I’ve been down that hole of mental illness and it’s not fun at all. Tyler has grown into the most obnoxious and immature man and is literally no help to her, and neither is her therapist. She needs to see a real doctor and get a serious medication re-evaluation. I hope she’s able to overcome this


    1. Che-

      Agreed.

      That therapist can’t find a hairbrush for herself… I find it hard to believe she is of any real assistance to anyone else in any capacity whatsoever.

      Shit, she looks like she hit “snooze” every single time I’ve seen her on this show. Worst. Therapist. Choice. Ever.


    2. Her therapist is the worst. I am a licensed therapist in Michigan and in no way do I appreciate the way she represents us as sloppy, remedial, and unprofessional. She has no skill. Repeating questions back and giving supportive murmurs of sympathy is not therapy!


    3. Agree with all 3 of you. I’ve always considered myself a type of “unlicensed therapist” so this next part should by no means constitute any liability on my part, but I can’t tell you how many times I watch the scenes with Kathleen and just start yelling out loud, “here’s the part where you say…..” and fill in the blank. Ugh, I get so frustrated. She’s the worst. I actually thought their adoption counselor Dawn was always FAR more insightful than that “LCSW”


  30. I’ve had an awful day got just horrible news about my son, and this made me giggle. Thank you the Ashley for the recap.


    1. Because he’s not(he doesn’t even have any REASON to be, lol), he’s hella phucked on heroin…you know, because that’s popular these days.


      1. ….you don’t need a reason to be depressed, it’s a mental illness.
        It’s just interesting to me that both of them have been sitting on the couch for the last few years, but it’s been explained that Caitlynn has post partem but Ryan is just lazy (although yes I do acknowledge he is clearly on some crazy drugs in this episode).

        Also Cait and Tyler have these awful dark circles around their eyes, time to put down the bowl, throw out the pizza and pick up a vegetable guys. Oh and get a JOB. You’re smoking weed to fill a void and the weed is just further aggravating your anxiety and depression-can’t you see it’s a cycle? Remove yourself from the smoke cloud and that fog of anxiety will get better (like it did at rehab)


        1. She’s been diagnosed as having mental illness, she has contributing factors. Yes, mental illness does absolutely need contributing factors it doesn’t magically appear(even if we do not yet understand them all, or the causes, and contributing factors can range from internal to external..none of which does Ryan possess). You can’t just claim mental illness and it be true.


  31. I hate judging Catelynn because depression is real. But I’d probably be depressed to if I didn’t do anything at all ever. Like…get a job, go to school, do SOMETHING. It’s hard for me to take pity on her when the rest of us get depressed and still have to get our asses up for work in the morning.


  32. Dear The Ashley,

    You are just awesome! I don’t even watch the show anymore because your reviews give me everything I need. They are funny and they call people out on the nonsense.

    It was sad to read that Bentley had to go see Ryan. I know many people have mixed reviews on Taylor but at least he is there for B. That boy deserves better than Ryan.

    As being someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, I can understand where Cate is coming from on how she feels but it pisses me off when she won’t get up and do something to fix her situation. Just get up, go outside and sit in the damn sun! Just move! Being in bed and on the couch everyday WILL NOT FIX ANYTHING!

    I get Amber doesn’t feel confident in herself but there are better ways than this to get back in shape. Eat healthier, get a Trainor and ask Matt and Leah to join you. I am also happy that as far as we know Leah didn’t get Matt anything for Father’s day.

    When it comes to Farrah, I have no words.


  33. I really wish Catelynn & Tyler would break up. I just feel like they stayed together so long because that was kind of their storyline. I had hoped they’d respectfully grow apart once they found college and careers.

    But their “career” became their relationship and now they’ve stunted themselves. I sincerely hope neither are using drugs, but since this is TM it wouldn’t surprise me.


  34. Tyler looks like he’s put on a good 30 pounds himself. And what the he## is going on with his hair???? He has no room to dis Cate when he looks like something the cat drug in. They both need to get off the couch and actually do something with their lives.
    If April was such a horrible mother to Cate then way do they let her watch Nova?


    1. Thank you for the April comment… I say that all of the time and also you didn’t want Carly around April but Nova can practically live there???


    2. I have been in a similar situation. I have a lot of bitterness towards my parents that I still work on. My parents however are better grandparents than they were parents.

      My teens and 6 year old love my parents dearly, and although i suffered they have and unbreakable bond, I am not willing to interfere with. I love my chikdren more than I hate anyone.

      I also suffer with anxiety and depression, people told me to be strong and all I really needed was patience and support. I completely relate to Cate. I relate so much that when she cries it bring me to tears because I get it. Although I have managed to work and mostly function, my heart has shown some damage which possibly is from my mental illness (per my doctor and cardiologist). Although I function, I understand that no two people will deal with thier illness the same. As my therapist told my husband….what she is going through is not just mental, it is so so physical. I couldnt verbalize this because I didnt understand what I was going through enough. When she said this I felt so much relief.


    3. He looks pretty good and healthy with the extra weight on. Same for Ferral. She was thin as a twig most of her time on TM but she put on a few pounds and she looks less like a starved horse standing up


  35. I have to say I loved all of the Coba Da Boba word plays. They cracked me up! Also, I hate to say it, but I am SO tired of seeing Catelynn be so lazy and then complain about being bored. They always wanted to accomplish things to make Carly proud, but at this point they aren’t accomplishing anything. Carly at some point is going to realize this and be super disappointed in them which will cause more crying and laying on the couch. You guys have another child that actually also matters. Just because she isn’t Carly doesn’t mean you don’t have to try for her…… And Tyler? He is such an ass to Catelynn but he makes sure to throw some nice comments in there to confuse her. It’s sad that she has such low self esteem that she thinks his comments are acceptable. Besides, you shouldn’t be talking shit on your wife and her appearance and drive when you walk around judging her constantly and you appear to have a toupee for hair. Ugh. This show.


  36. Farrah- stop it. We all know you sold your butt for a million dollars. It’s just sad.
    Amber- what the heck kind of diet is that?! How about instead of starving yourself you get off your ass and do something physical for an hour a day?! Stop complaining about being bored when you don’t do anything!!
    Cate-get a job go to school do something. Stop smoking pot. Get off the couch. Stop complaining about being bored and actually do something.join a club, get into a mommy daughter class, do something!! Stop allowing Tyler to walk all over you.
    Tyler-stop talking crap about your wife. Like losing you would be a negative thing….please! You just look for reasons to trash cate even though shes your wife! You’re not accomplishing anything either you just do it with a smile on your face. Idiot
    Ryan-I feel like he treats Bently more like a little brother than his son. Jen enables his behavior and or drug use.


    1. Ryan would still get at *most* a ‘D+’if we graded him using the “Brother, 15-20 years older” rubric, let’s be honest.
      Going to his little brother’s championship baseball game, not being so high in his presence as to frighten him, and generally not behaving in such a way that his brother cried at the prospect of having so see him would not be going above and beyond the sibling call of duty.


  37. Hate all you want at least Farrah is working and is less trashy than the other teen moms. Maci is trash she drank almost her entire third pregnancy. She knew she was pregnant with and obvious baby bump she’s pathetic. Amber let a dead beat pedophile stalker move into her house, who she barely knew. Catelynn is a lazy slob if I was Tyler I’d divorce her. All she does is complain and get fatter and more disgusting. Quit picking your fucking nails and face and eating that shit Catelynn.


      1. She didn’t drink while obviously pregnant. Like trashcan Maci. She doesn’t use drugs and sit on her ass like trailer trash Catelynn and Tyler. She doesn’t have a pedophile living with her like Amber. As horrible as Farrah is all her co-stars are worse I hate to admit it, but its true.


        1. Fair point. She’s just as bad if not worse than them…just in a different way. Her holier than thou attitude with everyone that is in front of her and her periferal vision (wrong spelling I know). Uncalled for, unnecessary arrogance that she continues to torture everyone with. Just want to smash the bitch. Not so much the others.


      2. I disagree. mainly because look at how Sofia acts. It’s unhealthy, rude and terrible. And sometimes just plan disturbing.

        Whereas all the other kids on this series act like normal, fairly well-adjusted kids without anger issues. Or constantly saying snotty/mean things.


    1. Not defending Matt, but I don’t think I have ever heard him called a pedophile. He may be a deadbeat Dad and a loser, but calling someone a pedophile is pretty harsh. Especially when he lives where Leah lives part time.


  38. Omg! This review is comic GOLD! I literally have tears streaming down my face from laughing so freaking hard! Thank you for this. It is perfection.


    1. Sure, Amber looks good but she obviously feels bad about herself. I always want people to love themselves, but it looks like Amber went to a surgeon to fix on the outside what she doesn’t like on the inside

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