Well here we are again, kids: Back on our couches watching people pretend to fall in love in hopes of one day seeing their smiling mug on the cover of People magazine and/or a spin-off show on a random cable network.
Of course, one of those mugs that will be smiling back at us from that glossy magazine cover will be quite familiar. They’ve brought back Nick Viall, two-time Bachelorette runner-up and one-time Bachelor in Paradise reject, to lead the pack of over-eager fame-hungry starlets across the world in a “quest for love.”
The Ashley has made it no secret that she’s less-than-thrilled that this show’s producers have sought out Nick for yet another season. Judging from the reactions on Twitter, it is safe to say that a lot of the show’s fans feel the same way.
The show’s bigwigs are doing their best to increase Nick’s sex appeal, though. They’ve pumped him up a bit and even straightened his red Ramen-like hair and ran a brush through it.
But…he’s still Nick.
In the intro, the editors are also really trying to make us feel bad for this dude. He tells us how much he loved both Andi and Kaitlyn, and mentions that he’s scared that he’ll get rejected yet again by whatever girl he chooses this time around. Still, Nick says he’s really excited to get yet another chance to bone a heap ‘o’ horny girls in the pursuit of love.
To kick things off, they, of course cart out all of the most-recent ‘Bachelors’ to give Nick “advice” on how to find a women. Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins and Chris Soules are there to greet Nick and talk about how many people hate him.
Ironically it’s Chris, the guy who barely lasted a whole ‘Dancing with the Stars’ season with the fiance he met on this show, who does most of the advice-giving. The guys talk about how awesome it is to have a bunch of women throwing their vaginas at you, and Nick looks more excited than ever.
Ben doesn’t say much. (He’s probably just sitting there thinking wondering if this appearance will help his lame spin-off show get a miracle second season).
And…The Ashley is just going to say it: Where the hell is Juan Pablo?! Can we get a little JP up in here!? Nick is essentially going to be Juan Pablo (sans the accent) and jump into bed with as many “ladies” as possible. Ol’ JP should be here to advise Nick on that!
After clocking some man-hours, Nick heads off to go meet his lady callers. Chris Harrison greets us at the front of the Bachelor Mansion to talk about how a bunch of “interesting and accomplished women” are dying to meet this tool. It’s kind of a miracle he was able to get that sentence out while keeping a straight face. #Professional
We meet Lindsay, an attorney who loves to vacuum while listening to Beyonce, apparently. She’s 31 and is ready for someone– anyone– to marry and impregnate her.
Next week meet Danielle, a successful nail salon owner who finds it endearing how many times Nick has been on this crappy show. Danielle seems nice enough; however, we have no idea what she actually looks like because her face is basically just a mask of MAC makeup. She could actually go incognito as herself if she wanted to.
Up next is Vanessa, an Italian who hails from Quebec. She speaks a bunch of languages, so she will be able to make fun of Nick in multiple dialects after he dumps her. Like Lindsay, the lady-clock is ticking loudly with this one, and she is hoping to get sperminated by Nick.
Josephine is an incredibly hyper nursing student who talks to animals and seems to drive everyone around her crazy. She’s the type of girl who plops down next to you at a bar and you eventually have to just abandon your drinks and Bloomin’ Onion at the table because you don’t want to end up in jail for assault.
Up next is Raven, a Southern belle who likes muddin’ and huntin’ and owns her own business. (She also owns a really bad set of jet-black hair extensions.)
We next meet Corinne who tells us that she is taking over her father’s multi-million dollar company. She is totally a career woman– and totally the type of girl whose car would have a vanity license plate that says “BOSSBIOTCH” or something. She’s getting a lot of camera time so we can assume that Corinne will be a major player this season.
Alexis is a self-described “weirdo” who likes to wear costumes and enjoys talking about dolphins. And being around dolphins. And making dolphin sounds. That should be interesting should she make it to the Fantasy Suite…
Danielle is a quiet neo-natal nurse. She is soft-spoken and will probably be trampled by all the insane personalities on this season. Why the hell is a girl like her on a show like this? She can do much better…
Taylor is a counselor from Seattle who feels that all of her clinical studies will help her date/diagnose Nick. She’s bi-racial and makes sure to tell us all that for some reason.
We next meet Liz, who was Jade Roper‘s maid of honor. She met Nick at the wedding and, of course, boned him afterward. (But, hey, she’s a classy girl so she refused to give Nick her phone number after they did it!)
She’s not sure if Nick will remember her and, to be fair, he probably won’t. He probably just remembers getting frisky with a chick in a David’s Bridal dress who smelled like Malibu rum.
Nick chats with Chris Harrison before the girls arrive. In the span of 10 seconds Nick promises to “put himself out there” at least three times.
It’s gonna be a long season…
The first group of girls is headed to the Mansion to meet Nick, and everyone is squealing and shrieking with excitement. Danielle is the first out of the limo. (Well, to be fair her boobs beat her out of the limo). Nick can’t stop staring at Danielle’s chest, and his mouth is still hanging open as Elizabeth walks up. She’s wearing a dress that unintentionally looks like a wedding gown which is always a fun idea.
Rachel, dressed in red, comes with the first corny intro line of the night, which opens the door for Christen to act like a someone who needs a straight jacket. She starts dancing with a fan and then tells Nick that dating him is like dating a celebrity.
Taylor is out next, and Nick seems sort of into her…until she tells him that all of her friends think he’s a “complete piece of s**.”
Olivia is from Alaska so she comes in wearing a fur coat and gives Nick an “eskimo kiss.” He’s barely pushed her furry butt out of the way when Sarah comes running up the driveway to meet Nick. (Get it…runner-up? Yeah, get ready for a lot of those horrible jokes tonight.)
Jasmine G. is a “professional basketball dancer” who brings Neil Lane with her. (Poor Neil…at this point he’s just a puppet with a box of diamonds.) Jasmine shows Nick the three rings that she wants and he looks completely creeped out by all of these women and their lame pick-up lines and/or demand for expensive jewelry.
Hailey starts things off by making sure Nick knows she is not wearing panties. (As you do.) Astrid tells Nick that her boobs are real. Nick looks like he needs to go hose off his loins before the second limo comes through.
The second limo arrives and Liz gets out. She’s curious to know if Nick remembers that he boned her and Nick seems confused. All of a sudden, Nick seems to remember who she is, but there’s no time to dwell on past pump partners! There’s a limo full of hot girls who want to sleep with him!
Corinne gets out and she gives him a hug token. She doesn’t specify which part of her body Nick gets to hug when he cashes that in so we can probably expect to see them rounding third base before the night is through.
Danielle comes out holding a bottle of her dad’s maple syrup. She jams her fingers into Nick’s mouth (as you do) and forces him to taste the syrup.
Lauren is next out of the limo. She’s trying to use her unfortunate last name of “Hussey” to her advantage by attempting to bond with Nick over his equally awful last name of “Viall.”
“You and I were blessed with pretty horrible last names,” Lauren says. “And you’re Viall, so together you and I are a disgusting slut.”
Um.. I’ll just say it: Whoever told Lauren to use that line as her intro deserves to be taken out into the street and shot.
The bad pick-up lines keep coming. Susannah awkwardly strokes Nick’s face and promises that there is “more where that came from.” He looks terrified…and he should be. They really opened the door of the loony bin this season, didn’t they?
Josephine arrives and jams a cold hot dog down Nick’s throat, explaining that he’s “a wiener in her book.” It’s only fair–Nick will surely be jamming his hot dog down her throat before the end of the season.
The girls are all starting to notice that there is an abundance of women wearing red dresses. They keep coming and it’s obvious that either the producers had a hand in this or Forever 21 had a pre-Valentine’s Day sale.
Lacey seems to have the worst intro line yet. She rides in on a camel and tells Nick that she knows he likes a good hump.
Well, at least they all respect him. That’s what really counts.
Out of the limo next is Alexis, who, as you may remember, likes dolphins. She comes in thinking she’s dressed like a dolphin but, unfortunately, she’s actually wearing a shark costume. No one told this poor girl that she bought the wrong costume at the Party City. All of the other girls are laughing at Alexis, but she’s too busy making dolphin puns and animal noises to notice.
All of the women are squealing about how “breathtaking” Nick is.
He walks in and girls are screaming like they just saw Elvis. Nick looks confused, and it’s no surprise since nearly all of the girls are wearing red dresses and have truly terrible hair extensions. They all look the same! He gives them a lame toast and then the women start tearing Nick away.
Nick is chatting with all of the women and soon he starts to look bored. Obviously, he was hoping to get right to all of the humping, and bypass all of this “getting to know you” crap.
Chris brings out the First Impression Rose and Nick takes notice. All of the girls start to pull their tops down a bit in hopes that they will get the flower. Corinne seems particularly interested, so she decides to interrupt all of the other girls’ time with Nick.
“I always go after what I want, and I want Nick right now,” she tells us before going over to Nick and shoving her tongue down his throat. Nick is, of course, loving it but is hoping that no other woman saw the kiss.
The girls did see, though, and already women are screaming, “WHAT A HO!”
Yessss! Let’s hope somebody picks up a chair or a shoe and gets to throwin’!
Corinne runs around bragging to everyone that she made out with Nick, which doesn’t go over well with the other girls. Of course, Liz keeps reminding us that she “had” Nick first, so it doesn’t matter what these other broads do. She is oddly proud of the three minutes of sexual pleasure she spent with Nick, and seems to be bursting to tell everyone about it.
Finally, Nick makes his way over to her, and she’s grinning from ear to ear. Nick tells her that he does remember her.
“I didn’t want to say anything about it because I didn’t want you to think that I’m only here because you’re the Bachelor,” she tells him.
She tells Nick that she didn’t give him her phone number back then because she believed that if they were meant to cross paths again they would.
It’s amazing how fate (and a room full of producers who probably saw her on the wedding video) can make things happen like that!
All of the girls start to freak out because they feel they haven’t had enough time with our hero, and soon girls are just straight-out yanking Nick’s arms to try to physically take him from other girls.
Luckily, shark-suited Alexis is keeping everyone entertained. She’s making dolphin calls from the pool, and eventually Nick comes over to talk to her.
He grabs the First Impression Rose and takes Rachel aside. He gives her the rose, and Corinne looks shocked. It is probably the first time in her life she didn’t get the guy.
Mercifully, it’s time for Nick to give a bunch of these desperate creep-nozzles the heave-ho. Chris takes him away so he can decide who stays and who goes. Soon, the girls file in and await Nick’s arrival. There are 30 women in the room, and Nick must cut a bunch.
Nick hands out flowers to Vanessa, Danielle L., Christen, Astrid (and her strangely contoured face), Corinne, Elizabeth W., Jasmine G., Raven and Danielle M., to name just a few. Even Alexis (the dolphin/shark) gets a rose.
Soon, Nick is down to his final rose, which of course goes to Liz. He pretty much had to give her the flower for two reasons. If he hadn’t, he would have looked like a jerk for hitting it and quitting it. More importantly, the producers would have missed out on all the drama that will happen once the other girls find out that Liz has already had a piece of Viall sausage.
Tonight we lose…a whole bunch of girls in red dresses. If you actually care about this crap, the names of the eliminated women are Olivia (The Eskimo Kisser), Angela (The Model), Lauren (The “Hussey”), Michelle (The Food Truck Owner), Briana (The Heart-Checking Nurse), Ida Marie (The Next ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Star), Jasmine B. and Michelle (The Background Women) and Susannah (The Face Stroker)
Until next week!